“What time is it?”
“Just after midnight.” At his answer, the bed shifted, his large warm body pressed into my back, and his strong arm looped gently across my waist, making every one of my muscles lock tight.
During the month we’d been together, he’d slept with me pulled against him in some way every single night, making it so I was still in sleep for the first time in my life. I’d missed having his strength and security wrapped around me terribly.
“Wh-what are you doing?”
This was my third night at the cabin, and while he’d spent almost every hour of those three days by my side, taking care of me and being so sweet and gentle and tender I was constantly fighting the need to cry, Xander hadn’t once slept in the bed with me, choosing instead to stay out on the couch. I wasn’t so delusional that I’d attempted to convince myself I didn’t want him in that big soft bed with me, but I hadn’t acted on that want, and instead decided to let things be and accept that Bear was the big body I got to snuggle into each night, instead of the one I really wanted.
“Fuckin’ beat, baby. Danno’s crashed on the couch.”
My face scrunched in confusion. “When the heck did Danno get here, and why’s he crashed on your couch?”
His answer was gruff and quick. “Had some shit I had to take care of at the office. Needed to be gone a while, but didn’t want to leave you without someone at your back while I was taking care of that, so Danno was on duty. Meeting took longer than I’d have liked, and by the time I made it back a few minutes ago, he was already out, and I didn’t feel like wakin’ him. That said, even if your dad’s boy wasn’t currently on my couch, I still would’ve come in here to you, ’cause I need you in my arms tonight.”
Oh my god.
“You aren’t good with that, you say the words and I’ll move to the guest bedroom.”
If I wasn’t good with this, he’d move to the guest room.
A room that, during our time as an us, I’d discovered wasn’t actually a bedroom, but more of a storage room with a shitty twin bed stuffed in among the boxes and a bunch of other crap.
It wasn’t a room a person should be forced to sleep in, but he’d do it if that was what made me comfortable.
God, this man.
Instead of answering, I shifted from beneath his arm, reached over Bear, and flipped on the lamp closest to my side of the bed so I could see him fully as I sat up and twisted around to face him.
His brows drew together as he pushed to an elbow, giving me an unobstructed view of his breathtaking body. “What’s the matter? Are you hurting? Do you need me to get you a pain pill?”
“I’m not hurting,” I answered, and, for the most part, it was true. My voice was almost back to normal, sounding only a touch throaty as opposed to the nasty croak I’d had the past several days, and it didn’t hurt to speak any longer. My ribs were going to take a while, but my range of motion had improved. The thing giving me the most problems lately was my face since that was where John did the majority of his dirty work, but I could deal. The pain wasn’t so bad I needed meds regularly anymore, and the truth was, I hated how they made me feel.
I’d been so zonked out the past several days, that all I’d done was eat and sleep, so I had absolutely no idea what was going on. I didn’t know if the cops had found John, and I had no clue why Xander would have to take a meeting in the middle of the night that necessitated him having to put Danno “on duty.”
“No pills. But after everything you just said, I know there’s no way I’m getting back to sleep. If you’re beat, I’ll move into the guest room to read or something, but I’m up, and there’s no way I’ll be able to get back down.”
At my admission, he sat up fully, giving me his muscular back while he flipped on his lamp before coming back to me. “I freaked you out. Fuck, Shortcake, I’m sorry.”
I shook my head and reached out to press my palm against his chest. “It’s all right. I’ll deal. And if you need sleep, I want you to have that, so stop worrying.”
He frowned hard and intense as he mumbled, “No way in fuck I’ll be able to sleep now, knowing you got shit swirlin’ around in your brain, keepin’ you up.”
I could see that. And I could also see that there was only one way to fix that for either of us, so I decided to take a risk. It had blown up in my face only a matter of weeks ago, but I pushed that to the back of my mind and said, “Since neither of us are gonna be able to sleep, I’d like . . .” I paused, needing to take in a fortifying breath. “I want you to talk to me. Tell me what’s going on. Was that meeting you had tonight about me?”
He hesitated for several seconds, and I could see in his eyes that he was wavering between lying or giving me the truth. Then he made his decision and nodded.
“It was about John, wasn’t it? Are you working with the cops to try and find him?”
His gaze drifted to the side, his voice coming out a mumble as he answered, “We’re running simultaneous investigations.”
My forehead puckered in a frown. “What does that mean?”
“It means the cops are lookin’ for him at the same time my guys and your dad’s crew are lookin’, but we aren’t workin’ with them.”
Oh no. That couldn’t be good.
“And what happens if you guys and my dad’s guys find him first?”
“When we find him, we hand him over to the cops.” My sigh of relief came too soon, because he wasn’t finished. “Once we’re done with him.”
“Xander, you can’t do that!” I cried, pushing up on my knees to get closer to him. “You have to let the cops take care of this. I don’t want anyone getting in trouble.”
His hands came up to rest on either side of my neck as he lowered his voice and assured me, “Shortcake, no one’s gonna get in trouble, you have my word.”
“Bullshit. I know all of you, and the one thing you guys have in common with my dad’s buddies is that you’re all hotheaded! You’re honestly telling me, if you catch him you aren’t going to do something that could potentially lead to some serious jail time?”
“No. I’m not sayin’ that at all.”
I plopped back onto my behind. “Xander!”
“What I’m sayin’ is, you don’t need to worry about any of us goin’ to jail, ’cause we aren’t ever gonna get caught.”
“Oh god,” I groaned, dropping my head into my hands. “This can’t be happening. This is my nightmare, right here.”
“Sage.” His fingers circled my wrists and applied gentle pressure, but I wouldn’t move my hands. “Babe, look at me.” It took me a few more seconds, but when I finally lifted my head and looked into those midnight eyes I had to suck in a breath at what I saw staring down at me. “It’s done. The decision was mine to make, and I made it. There’s no goin’ back, mainly ’cause I’m not changin’ my mind.”
“Why?” I asked in a jagged whisper.
“Why what?”
“Why was it up to you, and why’d you get to make this decision. I’m nothing to you.”
His face went so hard it was scary. “Wrong, Sage. You’re fuckin’ everything to me,” he said with a savage rumble. “It was my call because that motherfucker hurt the woman I’m in love with, my woman, and it’s for that reason, I’m not changin’ my mind.”
And just like that, he shook the very foundation of my world.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Sage
Ignoring the invisible knives stabbing into me at my sudden movement, I catapulted myself off the bed and started for the door.
Xander caught me before I took three steps, his arms circling my waist and pulling my back to his front, but also managing to do it so gently he didn’t cause me any additional pain.
“Jesus Christ, Sage. What the fuck are you doin’?”
I struggled against his hold as much as I could. “Let me go.” I managed to get those three words out past the massive lump suddenly forming in my throat.
“Stop, baby. Fuck, you’re
gonna hurt yourself.”
I didn’t stop, and yes, it hurt like hell, but my heart was hurting way, way worse than my body.
Sensing I wasn’t giving up, Xander moved to take the upper hand, taking me to my back on the bed and coming down over me. And again, he moved in a way that was unbelievably gentle, resting his lower body to the side of mine to keep his weight off while still pinning me down with his chest to mine and his hands shackling my wrists.
“Goddamn it, Sage, stop! You have stiches and busted ribs, and a whole fuckin’ slew of other injuries you’re about to make a whole lot worse when you’re only just startin’ to heal.”
I didn’t acknowledge any of that, but I did stop struggling. Not because he told me to but because, fuck me, my body hurt. “Get off me,” I said, panting, my voice ragged only partly because of the pain in my ribs.
“Sage, what the fuck? Talk to me. What’s goin’ on in your head?”
“Don’t say that,” I hissed, lifting my head off the mattress to get in his face. “Don’t you ever say that to me again. You’re a liar. You don’t love me.”
Understanding dawned, and his features instantly softened as he brought his forehead down against mine and breathed, “Baby.”
“Stop,” I whispered as tears began to form and fall from my eyes. “S-stop c-calling me that.”
He lifted his head, looking so agonized I began crying harder.
“If I get up, do you promise not to move?” I didn’t answer because that was a promise I absolutely would not keep, and he saw that written all over my face. “You get out of this bed, I’ll catch you and put you right back in it, Sage. Then I’ll tie you down for no other reason than to keep you from hurtin’ yourself. Those are your only two options. You stay still and wait for me while I go get what I need, or I tie you up and then go get what I need.”
I took several deep breaths, glaring up at him as I bit out, “I’ll stay still.”
He waited a few seconds to gauge the truth of that, and seeing I meant it, finally unpinned me and stood from the bed. “Two seconds, and I’m right back.”
Then he exited the room, and I began to count. It took him ten seconds, not two, but when he returned I hadn’t moved.
Something thunked against the mattress at my side, and when I turned to look, I exhaled heavily at the sight of the metal box from the entryway closet.
Before I could react, Xander was on his knees in the bed. He grabbed the pillows and piled them against the headboard before reaching for me and softly lifting me up so my back was resting against them.
Once he had me situated, he sat in front of me and grabbed the box, toying with the latch as he stared down at it.
“First time in more than eight years I looked at the stuff inside this box was the night you found it.”
I didn’t need to see his face to know those shadows were at work. I could hear it in the harsh cadence of his voice that what he was doing right then was killing him, and all I could think was that I wanted him to stop. I wanted to spare him from this pain.
“Xander, don’t,” I pleaded quietly.
His eyes came up at the same time he flipped the latch and opened the lid, and he did all that while talking, pulling out the picture of him and the five other men. “Santos, Griggs and I started out together. Joined up at the same time, went through basic together, and climbed the ranks before we joined the Rangers. That’s where we met Evans, Crist, and Chewie. Grew up an only child, but when I joined the Army, I found two brothers. Went into the Rangers and got myself three more. Shit we saw, what we experienced together, made us closer than blood. They were my family.”
My chest trembled as I inhaled at the unbridled respect in his tone when he spoke of the men in that photo, but I didn’t say a word. He didn’t need me to speak right then. What he needed was for me to sit and listen silently so I could help take some of the burden he was giving me.
“They were with me in the bar the night a pretty little blonde caught my eye, and they stood with me in the front of the church the day I made that woman my wife, just like I stood up with Santos and Crist when they did the same.”
He dropped the picture and reached back into the box, pulling out the wedding photo. “They liked Rebecca. As long as she made me happy, they didn’t have an issue with her, but they still worried about what I was getting myself into.”
I sniffed and batted the tears from my cheeks. “What do you mean?”
He looked right at me as he answered. “Rebecca was sensitive, always had been. Grew up in a house with an abusive drunk for a father and a negligent mom, and what she went through scarred her soul. She didn’t know how to cope with it. Even growin’ up the way she did, she wasn’t hardened. If anything, it actually made her softer to the point any ugliness the world could bring was too much for her to handle. She said the day she met me was the day her life finally changed. I was the one who got her away from her folks. I took her out of that, and I worked my fingers to the bone doin’ everything I could to give her better. And she was happy to sit back and let me. As far as she was concerned, I was her savior, her protector, and it was my responsibility to keep the bad shit away. A couple times I failed on the job, and when that happened, I had to find a way to put her back together, ’cause she couldn’t do it herself. She just didn’t have it in her.”
The longer he spoke, the deeper my stomach sank. A sense of dread slithered beneath my skin and wrapped around my bones. “That’s a lot of pressure to put on one person.”
“It was,” he agreed, looking down to the picture. “But I was okay with that. Or at least I thought I was. I loved her and she loved me. We were happy most of the time. Only real fights we ever had were because she hated my job. She lived in a constant state of fear that somethin’ would happen and I’d be taken from her, and each tour overseas, that fear got worse and worse. Every time I got home, she begged me to retire, said she wouldn’t be able to handle it if somethin’ happened to me. How could I expect her to cope if I wasn’t there? But I’d never wanted to do anything else. I was livin’ my dream, and I couldn’t imagine a life where I wasn’t a soldier.”
I pulled my lips between my teeth and bit down to keep from speaking, because a million thoughts were running through my head, and none of them were good. I wasn’t sure how he wanted me to feel about his Rebecca. I didn’t want to dislike her, but the more he talked, the harder it was to hold on to that, because everything he was saying made her sound so . . . damn . . . selfish.
“The guys saw all of that, and they didn’t like that she wanted me to be anything but who I was. They were all about brotherhood, loyalty, and protectin’ our country just like I was, and the fact my woman couldn’t see that and gave me shit about gettin’ out didn’t sit well with any of them.”
Scooting away from the pillows, I reached over and placed my hand over his, giving his fingers a gentle squeeze. “Sounds to me like you had incredible brothers.”
“I did.” His fingers dipped into the box, and I heard the rattle of metal on metal as he toyed with the dog tags.
“Last assignment we were on was fucked. It was a capture or kill mission. We had the location of the leader of a terrorist group, and we were supposed to go in and take him out whatever way we had to. Moment we hit the ground we knew the intel we got was bad. My gut was tellin’ me we needed to pull back, but I ignored it. I was in command. I didn’t follow my instincts, and I led my guys into somethin’ that cost every one of ’em their lives.”
“Oh, Xander.” Moving even closer, I lifted my arms and took his face in my hands. “Honey, you have to see that wasn’t your fault.”
“But it was,” he insisted, his voice husky with emotion. “I knew somethin’ wasn’t right. I fuckin’ knew. It was my job to lead them, and where I led them was to their fuckin’ deaths. How’s that not on me, Sage?”
“You’re not clairvoyant,” I returned firmly. “You couldn’t know with absolute certainty that things were going to go bad. You had
a feeling. That’s not the same thing. People have gut feelings every single day and choose to ignore them, and most of the time, nothing happens. You did what you were supposed to by putting your trust in the information you were given. That was your job. That was what you were trained to do. You didn’t kill your friends, Xander. The source of your intelligence didn’t kill them. The bad guys did. The only people responsible for their deaths are the leader of that group and his men. You can’t hold on to that guilt. It’s not yours to have.”
His lips formed a smile that was full of sadness. “Not sure the day’ll come when I fully believe that, baby.”
“Then I’ll just have to keep reminding you.”
Xander’s eyes slammed closed at that, and he twisted his head, turning his face into my palm and pulling in a deep breath.
What he’d given me already was more than most people could bear, but I knew he wasn’t done, and if he had any chance of working past all this darkness, he needed to let go of it all.
“Give me the rest,” I ordered gently. “Give it to me, and you won’t have to carry it alone anymore.”
His head came up and I lowered my arms, bracing for what was to come.
“I was fuckin’ destroyed. When it was all said and done, it was another man who came back from that. My brothers lost their lives, and I lost a piece of myself with them. I came home, and I didn’t have it in me to be what Rebecca needed anymore.”
“Of course you didn’t,” I replied vehemently. “You’d just lost your family. You needed someone to lean on. You couldn’t have been expected to be someone else’s rock after everything you’d just lost.”
“Rebecca didn’t see it that way, or maybe she couldn’t, I don’t know. What I do know is she didn’t like the man who’d come home to her. She got her wish, I got out after that, but I wasn’t the man I was before. She wanted the old me back, the one who took care of her. I couldn’t give her that, and when I couldn’t take the fighting and constant misery, I walked away. She couldn’t handle bein’ alone. Couldn’t take care of herself, so she packed her shit and went back to her folks.”
Out of the Darkness: a Hope Valley novel Page 25