by S Lawrence
"Oh shite, Michael. I'm sorry. I didnae ken it was ye." My hands are in my hair, and I stare at them, lost. I just proved my point. I am too worthless -- I just hit my best friend. I could have killed him in my rage.
"Brother, dinnae do that. Yer a good man. I dinnae ken whit he showed ye, but whatever it tis, it is not whit ye are." He holds his hand out to me, and I stare at it. I stumble back, afraid to touch him. I am broken inside, too damaged. I shake my head and back farther away, but Cora runs at me, grabbing my hand. Michael pushes himself up and is wiping at the blood running down his face.
"Sean, look at me. I don't have any idea what he showed you. I don't know anything about you except what I've seen and heard from my friends. You ARE a good man." Her voice is pleading with me to understand. "Yggdrasill would not have chosen you. One of the things I saw, what was shown to me, is she has only ever chosen two others to help her. TWO! In thousands of years! And now she chooses you." I look into her silver eyes and try to slow my racing heart.
Michael pulls me close and whispers in my ear, "Ye are a better man than I, brother." I shake my head in denial. "Then if not, we are the same. Do ye no think I am worthy?" I balk at the idea; he is the best man I know. "Then stay close because whatever he will show me will be no better, I'm sure.
"Yes, Michael Stewart, come forth and hear the truth your heart has longed for all these years." I shudder, praying to anyone who will listen, that he doesn't destroy Michael with his 'truth'.
Chapter 17
MICHAEL
I glance at the others and harden my heart. I look into my brother's eyes and I see fear and shame in them, two things I wish I could erase from him. I've read the self-help books. We are both haunted by the abuse we suffered in the orphanage, but this is not what put that look in his eyes now. I nod slowly before stepping forward. Everything else falls away, and I focus on Mimir, hating the glee I glimpse before he smooths his face. I killed the last man that looked at me with joy as he sought to destroy me. My jaw clenches, and my hands form fists as I wrestle with my need to punt the head into oblivion.
The voice bores into my head, and I brace myself for whatever hell he's about to bring. It is a whispers that brings forth images, long ago shoved down. Some that I didn't know existed.
'She sits in the other room as you cry; never acknowledging that you are even there. On and on you cry until you are hoarse, and then there is silence. Only the sound of the television echoes through the tiny house. No one comes to check on you. No one cares, least of all her. It is a constant cycle -- you cry until you can't anymore, your tiny body growing weaker and weaker. You have never known any other life than this.'
I recognize the water-stained ceiling above my crib, my eyes struggling to focus. The hunger beats at me, always so hungry. I cry until my throat is raw. My body hurts, but I'm too weak to change positions. I shake my head, trying to dislodge the memories. Trying to stop my rage, that is where Sean and I are different. I saw his heartache, his shame. I have none of that. There in that room, I was forged in the fires of hate and anger.
'You cried day after day. Those that lived next door worried for you. After months of listening to the child cry, they finally called for help. You were eighteen months old. When help arrived, they were shocked and heartbroken after they found you. Laying in your own filth, sores covering your tiny body, they could see every bone in your body. She sat in the other room, still uncaring of your suffering. They thought you were no more that nine months old, your body was so tiny from the neglect. You were too weak to move. No more cries came from your mouth.'
Images of the hospital flashes through my mind; doctors and nurses look at me in horror. The food that my body rejects after being denied for so long. Sean thinks I came straight from my fucking awful home, straight to the orphanage, but in reality, I was in the hospital for months. Months for my organs to start functioning properly. I bear scars from those sores I had on my body. Most of the time, when people see them, they think they are burns but no, they are from the bedsores and burns of my own urine.The rage beats at me.
'The answer to your question is no. There wasn't anything wrong with her. She just didn't want you. She hated you from the moment you were conceived. She is free, living with a new family and a daughter she loves. She moved around the world, as far from you as she could. She never thinks of you at all.'
I howl in pain. He broke me. I have long lied to myself, convinced myself that she was mentally unstable but to find out she just didn't love me, a baby who had no choice, it's too much. I can't grasp what to do with that information. I stand, locked in place, as tears pour down my face. A picture of her with her new family flashes in my mind, and I know he is showing it to me. I have no idea what she looked like, but their happiness beats at me as hard as any fists ever have.
'I hate to tell you this, but she would be happy to know what befell you at the orphanage; she would believe you deserved it.'
My body begins to shake, and I step toward him. "Shut the fuck up! Shut your goddamn mouth!" I roar, my voice echoing around us.
Cora is in front of me in an instant. Her hands grip my fists, and I look down at her eyes to see they are full of fear. Whatever she witnesses in me frightens her. I draw a breath and try to stop my tears but I can't and I pull my hands loose. She wraps herself around my waist, the top of her head barely reaching my chest, and a dam breaks. I reach down and lift her up, clinging to her as I let my anger boil over. I can hear my broken words growled out. They are not sentences, hell, they don't even make sense, but I can't hold it in. She only clings tighter, making soothing noises, and I realize I love this little girl. I love her spirit and her nature. She will never have any reason to fear as long as I'm alive, for I will stand between her and any danger.
Sean's hand grips my shoulder, and I draw in a deep shuddering breath before squeezing Cora tight one last time and letting her slide to the ground.
My gaze focuses on Mimir. "You will not do that to her," I state. It is not a request.
"I can tell her the answer right now. Your path will lead you far from here." He grins.
"That's it? Anything is far from here, asshole. Just tell us the way to the other freaking well." She plants herself between him and us, in full momma bear mode. "You had no right to hurt them."
The grin is what makes me snap. I could tell from the grin that he was only trying to hurt her in a different way. I shove her behind me, unable to rein in my anger this time. Sean's hand slides from my shoulder as he gives up trying to stop me. The next thing I know, I'm directly in front of that stupid, smirking head. And my hands are digging into it. One wraps into the hair and jerks it up level with my face and the other has a death grip on its face. My fingertips dig in, and he screams at me to stop, but I can't, I won't.
I want to crush his skull like the piece of shit he is. Throw it to the ground and stomp him until there is nothing but a red smudge on the motherfucking ice.
He understands the intent on my face and begins to sputter. "You need the directions. He who left me in this state will not like it if you harm me."
"Do ye think I fucking care?" Spit flies from my mouth onto his face as I scream at him, my chest heaving. Arms come around my waist and her head against my back, and still, I rage. A lifetime of hate spews forth, directed at the one who dared to confirm my worst fears -- unwanted, unloved, and left to die painfully by the one person who should have loved me no matter what. If she can't/couldn't love me, how can anyone else? And there it is, my truth. Damaged soul blackened with rage and unlovable. I want to shove her away but then I feel the wetness of my shirt, her tears soaking the fabric. I didn't think I could break anymore, but this tiny woman is doing just that. She is breaking through my rage. Her tears are dousing the fires.
I drop the head, letting it bounce on the ice. Reaching behind me, I pull her around, squatting so I can look her in the eyes. "Don't ye cry for me, lass. I am beyond redemption." I look over her and lock my eyes on my brother.<
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Her hands come up to my cheeks and she pulls my eyes back to hers. "Would you also condemn Sean? Is he beyond redemption?" How do I explain to her that we are different? He is filled with shame and sadness about something he can't change, and I am filled with nothing but white hot rage. I would kill her if I saw her; I would kill them all and still, it wouldn't be enough. I glance at Sean, his tears dried on his face, and I know mine looks the same. I can't condemn him. I want things for him. I shake my head, not trusting my voice.
I draw deep breaths to steady myself and tuck the anger away, lock it away until it is needed. I keep a tight leash on it, and usually, it is a cold rage that I can use in battle; not this molten rage that is burning now.
Standing, I pull her to her feet before turning to look down at the head. "You should tell me right now how to get to the next well, or I will stomp you until there is nothing left. DO you fucking understand me?" My voice is a deadly whisper, and he answers immediately .
"Continue forward beyond my well. You will walk for a day and then you will see a great tree, or what appears to be one. In truth, it is one of Yggdrasill's roots. You must climb it until you see a fork. There you will get off. The well is two days’ walk toward the center." His eyes roll up toward me. "Can you please put me back where I was now?"
I kick him, as a reply, and move away, grabbing my things and starting in the direction he told us to go. The others follow me, after a minute, surprised by my response. We walk in silence until well into the night. Cora stops and refuses to go any further, and we make camp. Sean had thought to bring fire starter sticks, and we relish in a little fire and cold MREs. I avoid their gazes. Sean's avoiding Cora's, and Cora just keeps sighing. We startle as a piercing howl rents the air. We shift closer to each other for warmth, safety, and security.
We drift off to sleep not long after we eat, exhausted from everything. The night is filled with nightmares.
* * *
He appears before Mimir and his laugh is booming. Asshole. "Put me back, please," Mimir requests. "I did exactly as you asked. I looked deep and told them the worst truths I could find. They are now focused on their shitty lives. I also directed them to Nidhogg as you asked me to. They will not complete their journey."
He picks up the head and places it back on the pillow, along the edge of the well. "You better be right." Suddenly, he is gone, and the head sighs in relief.
Chapter 18
FENRIR
I started my search at the Tree, just as Father suggested. But there was no trace of that bitch Aphrodite. Now I'm circling out from Yggdrasill, covering larger and larger areas. I wasted a day resting, as Loki demanded, but now I worry as I run. Raven returned to Odin's hall. She is facing the vipers that wish to strike her down.
I push harder, running as fast as I can while still being able to sort through the scents to find the traitor. On and on, I run. I am just about to stop, certain that she hasn't come here and feeling relief that maybe our concerns are unfounded, but her scent drifts on the wind to me. A growl bursts from my body, followed by a howl that reverberates throughout the land. I'm on the hunt now. She will not slip away, and the one she is aiding will not elude me either.
I race across the frozen ground, following the scent of her depravity. She is traveling deep into the mountains. Someone is leading her somewhere. This part of our realm is not known to many of the people that live here. Someone is trying to hide the wicked Goddess of Love. I am gaining on them though. Soon I will have them between my teeth.
I slow after a while, using more caution as I enter a narrow canyon. The jagged grey stones rise as far as the eye can see and drip with ice. Snow is falling, swirling around me. The flakes are huge and fluffy, the wind blowing them into my eyes as I search for my prey. Harder and harder, the snow falls, and I use only my nose to guide me as I wind through the now invisible labyrinth. A noise in the distance has my ears twitching, and I hesitate for the first time, considering reaching out for my father. Another light scraping of something against the stones spurs me forward. As I move in the whiteout conditions, it's a little too late when I become aware of two things. One, I am not alone. Two, this was a trap set specifically for me. Unfortunately, it is too late. The first loop of a silken ribbon slides around my body just as I prepare to leap away. I struggle to break free but realize they were also made just for me. It is red and shines against my coal black fur. I struggle against this tiny thing but realize all to quickly, there is no use. The ribbon slithers like a snake around and around until I fall to the ground. The ice trembles from the force of my weight.
I'm bound tightly and open my mouth, a long mournful howl escaping before the ribbon winds around my jaws and pulls them shut. I feel my magic dampened by these bindings and I realize I can't call for any aid, even if I wanted to.
I still can't see my captors but I can smell them all now. I recognize Aphrodite, but there are others. None have shown themselves but they are close enough. The ribbon tightens as they begin to pull me to a cave. It takes them only moments to lock me inside. When I realize they have left me with the Goddess of Love, I growl, remembering the blood that had coated her pants.
Chapter 19
LOKI
Fenrir is hunting; everyone heard his howl. I force myself to stay away from Valhalla. I don't want to put Raven in any more danger. If Fenrir caught the traitor’s scent here, that means our intuition is correct -- either Odin is directly involved or his most trusted ally, Ragnhild, is. I don't dare go before them now.
I look out at the snow falling, heavier than normal, and make the decision to go to Danu and Morrigan. I hope and pray they have news. I wish Yggdrasill would tell me of her plans. I hope she understands the game I have played for thousands of years.
My mind is filled with worry for those I love. I sift quickly to the Vanishing Isle, hoping to find some answers. Striding into Danu's home, I find them waiting on me.
"So you knew I was coming," I murmur as I pull Danu in for a tight hug.
"She told us. She also told us Fenrir is hunting." She pulls back her hands, gripping mine as she studies my face. Danu is one of the few people that remember my true nature, who sees deeply into my heart. I don't try to hide my concern before I turn to my niece.
"Darling, I hope your Guardians are ready. She is in our realm, which can only mean one thing."
"They have been ready all along, Uncle. Since Asger was created, he and Ylva understood it would one day come to this. One day the battle for this world, and the people who live on it, would take place. They saw his true nature on that mountain. Every new Guardian is trained and told the story of Asger's creation." Her voice is steady with her response.
"How many are there now?" I ask.
"Since we lost Faolan...," she pauses as the loss overwhelms her, "there are eleven, including Asger. Kai, of course, is with Aislin still. We also talked to Persephone; she has Jason and the other hellhounds."
"Nestor came to me and told me he was being followed. We need to send him to the other clans and try to get an idea of who will fight but first, we must catch the one that tracks him." I look at them with a hint of excitement in my eyes. "Can we send word to him without him coming to us?"
"Yes. I can reach out to Kai, and they could reach out to him," Morrigan replies.
"Good, let us make our plan then." I move and lower myself into a chair, waving at them to join me. Danu raises a brow at me before a smile slowly curves her lips. We plan well into the night, before Morrigan travels back to her Guardian. Her mother and I wait for her return, each of us in our own world, lost in memories and regrets.
It is only the power of the great Tree that shakes us from our reverie. She doesn't call to us, though; it is another that roars his reply.
Chapter 20
SEAN
We reached the tree, root, what the fuck ever, not long after we woke and now we stand staring up into the branches. Our moods are still shit, each of us quiet and withdrawn. Michael’s molt
en rage simmering below his calm exterior beats at me. I want to ask what that bastard showed him. I want to scream at him that it doesn't change him, doesn't make him less. But my own issues stop me. I need to destroy something, make it hurt. I brought weapons but how do I kill my own shit, my own demons?
Striding to the trunk of the tree, I look up and up. It seems to go on forever and I guess, in a way, it does. The first branch is at least twelve feet up. I shake my head. What the fuck do we do now?
Michael moves to my side and he also looks up. "We could try to use a rope and loop it over," he murmurs as he looks at me. We are both going to pretend like yesterday didn't happen. I can totally do that.
"We could." I set my pack down and that's when I notice Cora, eyes shining like beacons and her body swaying to and fro. I elbow my brother and he looks back, turning and moving to the other side of her, his protection instincts kicking into high gear. So focused on her, we both jump when the tree begins to creak and moan. I stumble back as a branch lowers to the ground, forming a perfect walkway for us to begin our climb.
"Thank you," Cora's voice tinkles softly on the icy wind. I look back at them and Michael shrugs. Rubbing my hands over my face, I lean down to pick my bag back up.
She races past me and runs up the branch. "Ye need to wait for us! Ye don't have any idea what could be there," Michael yells, jogging to catch up to her. Her laughter floats down to us from the branches above.
"Like a fucking monkey," I grumble under my breath.
"I heard that," she laughs.
"Good, you heathen. We are supposed to be protecting you."
"I'm supposed to be guiding you," she calls back, sassy little brat.