What the hell was I thinking?
We have the best relationship. Ever. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize that. If I ever lost Liam—
"Cass, seriously. Come out here. Get changed, and then we can watch a movie like we planned."
Like nothing has changed?
Like I didn't just kiss him?
Like I'm not turned on right now because of the way he was holding me? Because of how soft his lips were? Because of how sexy it was when he ripped my dress?
Right.
Let's go back to normal.
Let's pretend nothing happened.
"Cassidy Jo."
"Do not pull that shit with me, Liam Henry," I grind out as I open the bathroom door.
"Pull what?" He grins.
"Using my full name like that. No one calls me that anymore."
"It got you to open the door, didn't it?"
Fucker.
He knew it'd get under my skin. He knew I'd throw the door open dramatically and yell at him.
No one calls me Cassidy Jo. No one calls me CJ. Hell, he's one of the only people I let call me Cass these days.
Nicknames are reserved for the people who give them to you.
My mom used to call me Cassidy Jo. My dad used to call me CJ.
When they died, those nicknames died with them.
"Asshole," I mutter, snatching the clothes from his hand, then closing the bathroom door in his face.
"You're welcome," he hollers.
Rolling my eyes as I let the remains of my dress fall to the floor, I let memories of my parents wash over me. I can still hear their laughter. My mother in the stands at every soccer game. My father on the bench as the assistant coach. Backyard barbeques with Liam and his family. Walking through downtown at Christmas time looking at all the lights.
Liam holding my hand as people greeted me at their wake.
Liam riding in the limo with me on the way to the cemetery.
Liam taking the eulogy I wrote from my hands and reading it out loud when the words wouldn't come. When I couldn't find my voice through the tears streaming down my face.
He held me when I cried. Made sure I ate when I didn't have an appetite. Brought me out of the darkness I was living in, blaming myself for their death.
If it weren't for Liam, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be as strong as I am. I wouldn't have survived my parents’ deaths.
And he knows that.
He knew by calling me Cassidy Jo, my mind would shift from fear and panic at kissing him, to thoughts of my parents. Happy and sad memories.
He distracted me.
If only for a moment, but it worked.
Because I still have to face him and apologize for what I did. Not because I'm sorry but because it shouldn't have happened. Our friendship is more important to me than anything else. The last thing I want is to change our dynamic and complicate things.
Clearing my head, I splash more water on my face, then slip into the clothes Liam brought me. It's like he knew what I wanted to wear. He picked out my favorite pair of black yoga pants, the ones with the fishnet cutouts below the knee, and the university T-shirt his parents gave me for my birthday a few years back.
It's my go-to outfit when I want to feel better. The pants are skintight and make me look skinnier than I am, and the T-shirt always reminds me that I'm loved. That I still have a family to fall back on, even if they're not my family by blood.
Damn him for knowing how to get under my skin in both good and bad ways.
Liam's in the kitchen when I finally emerge from the bathroom. He’s rummaging around in the cupboards, opening and closing the refrigerator.
Instead of seeing what he's up to, I wrap myself back in the blanket and cuddle on the couch, resting my head against the back cushion. Closing my eyes, I play the night over again.
What a rollercoaster.
From being nervous to attend Sasha and Kevin's party to finding the strength to confront Kendra. Learning more about her relationship with Garrett than I ever wanted to know and smacking the shit out of her. Then making the mistake of kissing Liam.
I need a do-over. That would be great right about now. I wouldn't have to worry about the consequences of my recent actions. The conversation that I know has to happen wouldn't even be a thought.
Because I never imagined I would kiss Liam.
Not romantically.
Not with lust coursing through my body.
"I know you're not asleep," he says, the couch dipping slightly next to me.
"I wasn't trying to fool you. I was just resting my eyes."
"And thinking about . . ."
"Nothing," I reply quickly, opening my eyes and focusing straight ahead of me.
"You really are a bad liar, you know that? You were practically eating your lip. You left teeth marks. And your face was scrunched up. I'd say whatever you were thinking about you're still indecisive."
Refraining from rolling my eyes at his assessment, I'm immediately worried about how well he can read me. What did he see before I kissed him?
"Want to talk about that kiss?" he abruptly asks, his voice muffled by the sound of chewing.
Turning my entire body to face him, I sit with my legs crossed, tucked under me, and try to appear calm and collected. Then I see what he's eating.
Cracker sandwiches. Just like the ones our parents would make for us when we'd have play dates.
A round butter cracker. Two pieces of pepperoni. A square piece of cheese that never fit on the cracker. Topped with a dollop of ranch dressing and another cracker making it into a sandwich.
It's something I haven't eaten in years. Haven't even thought about.
I nod toward the plate sitting in his lap. "Are you ten?"
"They sounded good."
"You know how to cook now, Liam. No need to resort to food for kids."
"It's almost three o'clock in the morning."
Shit! When did it get so late?
"Want one?" he asks, picking it up and teasing me with it.
There's a grin on his face. It's playful and sincere. It's also sexy as hell and makes me realize how close we're sitting. His couch is huge, yet we're sitting on one end. My knees are pressed against his thigh.
Is this a compromising situation?
Am I making the situation worse?
We always cuddle on the couch when we watch TV. I never thought anything of it until right now.
Why am I not sitting in the chair?
Opening my mouth to speak, Liam shoves the cracker sandwich in before I can say anything.
"Good, right?" He nods his head up and down, answering for me. "While you chew on that, we can talk about what happened."
Shaking my head vigorously as I try and chew and swallow the dry cracker, Liam's smile only grows.
"Oh, yes. We are going to talk about it because I don't want you acting weird. So here's the thing," he starts, setting the plate aside and reaching for my hands. Pulling them away before he can grab hold, Liam raises his eyebrow but sits back and doesn't try to take them again.
"Cass, you're my best friend. We've been through a lot together. One kiss is not going to change that. Whatever is going through your mind right now, let it go. Don't freak out. Don't worry that we're not on the same page. It was just a kiss. A heated moment. It doesn't have to be more than that unless you make it more."
Swallowing the cracker around the lump in my throat proves to be a challenge. I reach behind me for my drink to find it empty and wish I had taken the time to refill it before having this conversation.
"Liam, I—"
When I turn my attention back to him, he's already walking away from the couch, the plate of crackers forgotten. I hear his bedroom door softly close moments later, leaving me to dissect his words one by one.
Just a kiss.
Heated moment.
It feels like more than that. Like something in the universe has shifted.
Did I just lose my best friend? D
id I fuck everything up?
I mean, my life is already in shambles. Did I just destroy everything else I have left?
The thought alone makes me worry.
After shutting down the TV and taking care of the plate, I tiptoe down the hall and stand outside Liam's door, poised to knock. There's light shining from under his door, but I don't hear any movement.
Did he walk away because he didn't want to talk anymore?
Was that his way of ending the conversation on the topic, or did I upset him?
The last thing I want is for things to change between us. I need him. I need my best friend. Liam is my world. He always has been. I can't imagine my life without him in it, and I don't want to.
We need to talk about this, no matter how uncomfortable it might be.
I need to fix what I screwed up.
The light turns off just as I find the courage to knock.
Maybe we can talk tomorrow.
Sleep on it and clear our heads.
Still, my feet won't move. I don't want to walk away.
Turning the knob, I slowly open Liam's door. It bumps into something as I step forward, my feet faltering as I tumble to the floor.
"That was graceful," Liam says as I push myself up.
I tug my shirt down over my exposed midsection. "Why were you standing by the door?"
"I was coming to talk to you."
"I was doing the same," I reply, leaning back against his dresser. My nerves have suddenly kicked up a notch, standing in his bedroom with the lights off.
The outline of his body is barely visible, and I can't see the look on his face right now. It's not easy to read what someone is thinking if you can't see their expression.
"I can see that."
"I can't see anything right now," I joke, but my voice falls flat.
"You see me." Liam takes a step in my direction, pushing his door closed. "I'm right here, Cass, and I'm not going anywhere."
His large body towers over me. I'm trapped between him and the dresser. In the dark. With no real idea of what to do or say.
When his hands fall to my hips my body shudders.
"Cass, I . . ."
His voice trails off, creating a thick fog of uncertainty between us. It's uncomfortable, so I speak up, but I don't get much more out than he does.
"I just," I start, but I don't know what to say. I what?
I didn't mean for it to happen, but I'm having a hard time being sorry that it did.
I shouldn't have kissed you because I don't want things to be awkward between us.
I crossed the invisible line in our friendship and want to jump back on my side.
All truths I should share with him. But there are some truths I can't share with him.
I want to kiss you again.
I don't understand it, but I liked the way kissing you made me feel.
Those are words that should never be uttered. To anyone.
Mainly because I'm not sure I want to confess to myself how I'm feeling right now. With his hands on me. Just the two of us in his bedroom at this time of night.
"I'm not sorry," he finally says, closing the gap between us and pressing his body against mine.
I've hugged Liam thousands of times. I've seen him without his shirt on. In only his boxers. We've been skinny dipping together.
His body never once had the effect on me that it's having now.
"You didn't do anything." My breathing’s become labored, and you can hear it in my voice.
"I should have. I saw it in your eyes. I knew what was going to happen, and I didn't stop it."
"Why?"
There's a long pause before he finally responds.
"Because I wanted you to kiss me."
My stomach drops at his confession.
"I've wanted to kiss you for a long time, but I was afraid. Afraid you'd push me away. That I'd be taking advantage of you after all that happened. Even tonight I was scared that you were only kissing me because you were sad and upset over everything.
"Then I saw the way you were looking at me. Saw the desire flaming in your eyes, and I didn't have to wonder if it was right or wrong to let it happen. It was both. Wrong because you're my best friend but right because of what we were feeling in that moment. And I meant what I said, Cass. It doesn't have to be more than a kiss if you don't want it to be. We can pretend it never happened, go back to the way things were. Or I can kiss you right now."
My mouth is suddenly dry. My heart’s racing in my chest.
Do I want him to kiss me?
Do I want to go down that road? Once I start the journey, there's no turning back. No changing my mind.
I don't do things halfway. Never have.
I'm either all in or all out.
This would be no different.
What if it doesn't work out? What if we're meant to be friends and nothing more?
If I kiss Liam again, if I let our relationship evolve, there's a chance I'll lose him.
Can I live with that?
"I don't know what I want."
"That's fair. I've had time to think about this. Time to consider everything. You should take some time too."
"What do you mean?"
Liam's hands fall away, and he takes a step back. I immediately feel the loss of his body pressed against mine. The warmth of his hands on my hips.
I miss it.
All of it.
The closeness. The intensity.
"You're my best friend, Cass. You always have been and always will be. There's a special place in my heart reserved just for you. I'd do anything for you, you know that. So take all the time you need. Figure out what you feel and what you want. I'm not going anywhere. Ever. No matter what you decide. I promise."
What do I want? That's a loaded question.
As for what I feel . . . weak in the knees. Light-headed.
More than anything, I'm confused about why I feel this way.
Chapter Nine
Tossing and turning most of the night, I tried to clear my thoughts, but it was pointless. Every time I attempted to focus on something other than Liam, my subconscious lead me right back to him. Hell, I even tried to think about Garrett and Kendra at one point, and that scenario led back to Liam.
He was the one thing my brain wanted to focus on.
Specifically the part where he said he had wanted to kiss me for a while.
So I finally gave up on sleep, sat up, and broke the situation down.
I'm attracted to him. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. There's no denying that.
Who wouldn't be? He's amazing. Funny. Good looking.
But part of that attraction is because of the person he represents in my life. The one constant. He's my go-to. My protector. The best friend.
And there's the one word that keeps me from jumping back over the imaginary line in the sand and walking down the hall to where I know he's sleeping. Crawling in bed with him and snuggling.
Something we've done many times before but now would feel like a step in a different direction. It would give him the impression I was there for something other than sleep.
And would I be?
Because no matter how hard I try to spin it, we crossed the line. I crossed the line. I kissed him, and he shared revelations with me that I'm still trying to process.
My attraction is not one-sided.
He wanted to kiss me.
He let it happen. Knowing full well that this would happen. That things would get weird. That it would change the dynamic.
Why?
We're friends.
Roommates.
Partners in crime.
Our relationship was solid. On steady ground.
Nothing has ever come between us before, and I never thought anything, or anyone, would. That’s how strong we are. How strong our friendship is.
Yet here I am, unable to sleep because I'm thinking about him in a different light. Trying to figure out if allowing our relationship to evolve in
to something more is worth the risk. Because after all, it would be a risk. We may not work as a couple.
We've never tried before.
And honestly, his track record with women concerns me. That he can dispose of them as quickly as he has. Using them to fulfill his needs, and then once those needs are met, moving on to the next.
It doesn't seem to have any effect on him.
No remorse.
No connection to them.
It upset me when Kendra called him a man whore, but he kind of is. The only difference between him and a traditional man whore, in my opinion, is that he doesn't lead them on. He's upfront and honest with them.
Yet, now that I think about it, he hasn't been seeing anyone since I moved in. Not one woman has stepped through those doors. Stayed over. Even called. Unless he's really good at hiding it.
Would he do the same to me?
Sleep with me for a few weeks and then call it quits?
We wouldn't be able to go back to being friends after that. I wouldn't be able to handle it.
And if I haven't given myself enough reason to say no, to lock myself in my room for a week and avoid him . . . we live together.
There would be no way to avoid him if things did go wrong except move out, and I have nowhere to go right now. The plan isn't for me to stay here forever, I get that, but what if shit went wrong before I moved out? Then what? I'd be screwed.
Nowhere to go and I'd have lost my best friend.
Nothing good can come of this. I feel it in my core. A relationship with Liam has the potential to destroy so much.
So why am I still thinking about him? About how soft his lips were. About how much I enjoyed being trapped between him and the dresser. And why is my body tingling?
Because it is. Every part of me is tingling with desire. With the knowledge the only thing separating us right now is a thin wall. That if I wanted to, I could march into his room, wake him up, and ask him to kiss me and he would oblige.
Even though it would be a bad idea.
Bad for our friendship. For our living situation.
I'm breathing heavily just thinking about it. My mouth is suddenly as dry as the Sahara, and my hands are shaking.
Tossing back the covers, I slide out of bed and into my slippers. Opening my bedroom door, I'm surprised to find a light on at the end of the hall. There's only one reason there would be a light on right now, and when I pass Liam's open bedroom door, I know who I'll find in the kitchen.
Worth The Fight Page 7