His Christmas Redemption
Page 7
“Thank you,” he said. “She’s told me how much she loves this town, and if the rest of the people here are as kind as you, I can see why.”
As Della handed him the box, she gave him a small squeeze.
“It’s hard to have faith when it seems like life is beating you up. But it’s the only way I know how to get through any of it. That, and surrounding yourself with people who will love and support you. Erin is a good woman. It’s obvious you care about her. So don’t give up on her.”
He didn’t have any plans to stick around past the arrival of Erin’s sisters, and he likely wouldn’t have the opportunity to come here again. Even though Della’s advice was completely misguided, it meant a lot that she saw something in him and chose to reach out.
“Thank you,” he said. “I appreciate it, but there won’t be wedding bells again for Erin and me. I’m her ex-husband. I didn’t give up on her. She left me.”
He turned and left, not wanting to further his discussion with Della but also not wanting to leave Erin waiting. She still had a ways to go in her recovery and she still often got tired if she was on her feet for too long.
That, and he didn’t want Della to come back with any kind of encouragement that there was hope for the two of them. He didn’t think his heart could take being torn apart anymore. He was barely clinging to the only thing he had left of value in his life—his business—so to think that anything else was possible was too much.
Chapter Five
Lance seemed different when he came to pick Erin and the kids up from church. Erin wanted to speak up, to ask him about it, but she didn’t know how he would take it.
Ricky had taken her to task at church for not bringing Lance by. He’d insisted that she invite Lance to his Christmas gathering tomorrow at the Double R. But it was awkward, showing your ex-husband around and introducing him. It was hard enough at church, answering everyone’s questions about this Uncle Lance the boys talked about nonstop.
She was glad the boys had taken to Lance, but it also made it difficult, explaining their complicated relationship. Worse, it was clear to her that the boys had already become attached to him. What would it look like when her sisters came back and Lance left? Would Lance want to visit them again? Would it be uncomfortable as they both moved on with their lives, possibly meeting someone new?
Erin had to laugh at that thought. As much as she said she was open to dating again, there weren’t a lot of single men her age around town.
And, if she were honest, there weren’t a lot of men out there who could measure up to the standard Lance had set. His giving heart, especially in light of the fact that she was his ex-wife and he was doing so much to help her, was something she hadn’t seen in others. If only he wasn’t so emotionally unavailable.
“I went to the café,” he said. “Della sent me home with a box of goodies for you guys.”
“Thanks,” Erin said, taking the box. She looked down at it then over at her group of friends gathering near the church steps to go out to lunch. She and the boys usually joined them, but it felt too awkward to ask. It was going to be hard enough passing on Ricky’s invitation.
Erin took a deep breath. “Ricky is having some people over for sleigh rides tomorrow to celebrate the start of winter break. If it’s not too much trouble, I’d love for you to take us.”
“Ricky,” Lance muttered. “Always Ricky.”
Was he jealous of Ricky? Lance had never been the type to get jealous. But it would explain why he’d give her such a non-answer to a basic question.
“You know Ricky is my boss, right? You have nothing to worry about.”
Lance looked over at her. “It wouldn’t be the first time a woman dated her boss.”
So he was jealous. Erin let out a long sigh. “He’s in his eighties. His wife died years ago and he’s been a confirmed bachelor ever since. You might hear him jokingly flirt with women from time to time, but he buried his heart with his late wife.”
“It’s none of my business,” Lance said.
“It’s not, but you get angry whenever his name comes up. I thought if I explained, you’d feel better about the situation. So why don’t we go for the sleigh ride and you can see for yourself that he’s not a threat.”
“I have no reason to be threatened by him.”
As she glanced at him she could see that he was gripping the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles were turning white.
She touched his arm. “You’re right, you don’t. I know you think I’ve done a lot of things to hurt you, but I would never flaunt someone I’m dating in front of you. If there was a special someone in my life, he would be here helping me.”
He glanced at her and she could see the pain in his eyes. Why couldn’t he just tell her how he felt about things? And why couldn’t she find a man who was as caring as Lance but also able to express those emotions?
“Uncle Lance?” Dylan’s voice rang out from the backseat. “Mr. Ricky is a real nice man. Sometimes he lets us ride his horses. Not all of them, because some of them are very expensive.”
Erin smiled at the way her nephew emphasized the words “very expensive.” Ricky was always going on about how expensive his horses were and it was funny how the boys had picked up on that. But it wasn’t surprising. They were smart kids.
“You’d like him,” Dylan continued. “He’s a real cowboy. He might teach you, just like my dad is teaching me. Please, will you let us go for the sleigh ride? If you’ve never been on a sleigh ride, it’s not at all scary.”
She shouldn’t have asked Lance in front of the boys. It didn’t seem right to get their hopes up and she certainly didn’t want to make Lance out to be the bad guy for saying no.
“We’ll have to take a look at your aunt’s list and see if we could fit it in,” Lance said. At least he’d found a way to give himself an out. It would be a shame to miss the sleigh ride, but Lance had already sacrificed so much for her, she wasn’t going to ask him to do more, even if his reasons for being uncomfortable were silly.
“Great idea,” Erin quickly added. “I didn’t even think to check the calendar. We might have something else going on.”
The only thing on the calendar was the sleigh ride, but if Lance didn’t want to go, she’d let him take the out. The boys hadn’t seen the calendar, so they wouldn’t know any differently. Hopefully, though, she could convince him. The sleigh ride was one of the few things she could do with her injuries, and it had been a lot of fun last year when Ricky had done it for Christmas. Ricky was getting older and even though they would all like to think he’d be around forever, Erin knew better than anyone how quickly that could change.
“I want to go to Ricky’s,” Ryan said. The whine was mostly that of a cranky four-year-old who’d probably had too much sugar in Sunday school. It seemed like this time of year all the teachers were bringing in some kind of treat for the children.
Erin turned and smiled at her nephew. “I told you, we would check the calendar.”
The boys looked disappointed but they also knew that if they persisted, they would not get to go at all. When they got home the boys ran inside, but Lance stopped her. “It’s not that big of a deal. We can go if you want. I’m not jealous.”
The way he kept denying it was kind of sweet. But it also made her want to analyze her own feelings. What would she do if Lance had a girlfriend?
The answer created an uneasy feeling in her stomach.
“It isn’t about you being jealous. I’m just trying to be considerate of your feelings, and you don’t sound very interested in going to the Double R. You sacrificed so much for me, being here this week, and I want to make sure we’re not imposing on you too much.”
He looked uncomfortable, like he didn’t want her thanks, nor did he want to talk about any of this. Part of why even trying to have a relationship with him was so difficult sometimes.
If his words weren’t so stilted, she might have believed him. But he sounded so weird about everything, and so unlike himself, she knew there was more to it. A gust of wind came upon them, making her shiver.
“Let’s get you inside where it’s warm,” he said. “The last thing I need is for you to get a cold.”
He helped her into the house, even though she didn’t much need assistance to get around anymore. She’d gotten pretty good at maneuvering in her walking boot, which made her feel like less of a burden on Lance. But he still automatically reached for her arm to help her. And even though she probably shouldn’t like it so much, it felt good, the gentle way he cared for her.
She followed him inside, where the boys were already engrossed in the train set. They’d always loved their trains, but at Christmas, Erin turned their little train set into part of the holiday décor. They even had special holiday buildings for the boys’ train town. Granted they were pieces that probably belonged in one of those Christmas villages people liked to set up, but Erin and her sisters had never seen the point in decorations the children could look at but not touch. In a home with small children, breakage was bound to happen, so they always focused on having things they didn’t need to worry about.
“Uncle Lance! Play trains with us!” Ryan ran up to them, holding his favorite engine. He’d been giving Lance the honor of playing with the treasured toy a lot the past couple of days, and though Lance probably didn’t understand the significance, Erin did.
The boys loved their uncle Lance, even though he wasn’t exactly their uncle anymore. So how did she make a difficult adult situation fair for two little boys who had nothing to do with it?
Lance patted his laptop bag. “When I was at the café, I talked to my partner, who needed me to do some work for him. I’m going to go set up in the kitchen and take care of it.”
She should have known it was too good to be true that he would spend all this time here and not work. She’d seen him on his laptop a few times, but this was the first he’d brushed off the boys. He didn’t owe her anything. He was just there to be a responsible adult in case there was something she couldn’t do.
A puzzled look crossed Ryan’s face. Lance hadn’t told him no before. “Will you play with me when you’re done?”
Did Lance remember these conversations back when they were married? How many times Dylan had come to him, wanting to play, but Lance’d had work to do? They’d had the same experience with Ryan and Lily, but it had been a little different since the two of them had been so much younger. But Dylan? He was watching for Lance’s current response. Maybe he didn’t have an exact memory of that time, but there was something inside him that probably remembered all the times Lance had said “later,” only “later” never came.
“Let me just review these files and then I’ll be there,” Lance said.
Good old Lance. It seemed like every time her heart softened toward him just a little more, and she wanted to reach out to him to see if maybe there was something worth salvaging in their relationship, he’d say or do something to remind her exactly why it hadn’t worked the first time.
Dylan came up to his brother and put his arm around him. “It’s okay. We don’t need Uncle Lance. You can use my new tanker if you want.”
Even though it warmed her heart to see Dylan act so lovingly toward his brother, it also broke Erin’s heart just a little. She could remember growing up with her sisters how many times she and Leah would step in to do something kind for Nicole because their father had rejected her once again. At least Dylan and Ryan had a father now who would never make them feel rejected like that. It was just a shame they’d already learned the behavior to make up for it.
As the boys ran back into the other room, Lance turned and looked at her. “I know the disapproving look on your face. Can’t you give me a break once in a while?”
One more thing that only made her feel sad about the relationship. He could tell when she was disappointed and his response was to be defensive about it. And she hadn’t said a word.
“I didn’t say anything. It’s been good of you to be here all week without needing to work. I would never ask you to sacrifice your job for me. I tried that once and it didn’t work out so well.”
She probably shouldn’t have even said that much, because the anger that flashed across Lance’s face told her that they were back in their old familiar cycle of arguing about priorities.
She gave him a small smile. “I didn’t mean to criticize you. I’m sorry. I’m sure I sounded ungrateful, when I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you being here. You get your computer set up and I’ll heat you up some hot chocolate and see what kind of treats Della sent.”
The relief on his face told her that she’d managed to defuse the situation. But it kind of made her heart hurt, just a little. If she were honest with herself, she’d admit that, occasionally, she did entertain fantasies of getting back together with Lance. That he’d take her in his arms and share all the emotions he’d been bottling up and confess that he’d never stopped loving her. Because that was the secret pain Erin carried. She might have divorced him but she hadn’t stopped loving him.
* * *
Lance should have known it wouldn’t take Erin long to rip into him for deciding to work. But she didn’t understand what was at stake here. And while a small voice in the back of his head told him she would understand if he would just tell her, he reminded that voice that he didn’t owe her anything anymore.
When she set the plate of Della’s pastries and the giant mug of hot cocoa in front of him, he kind of felt bad, seeing the look on her face. He’d hurt her. And sometimes, when his counselor made him look at the reasons why his marriage might have fallen apart, he would privately admit that he knew that expression. He’d wounded her and, for all the dozens of times he said he was sorry, he knew she wanted more from him. He just couldn’t give it.
As he munched on a cookie, trying to decipher the financial details swimming before him in one of the spreadsheets, he could hear his dad’s voice in the back of his head telling him that only losers cried over girls.
He’d been seven. The little girl who’d lived next door, who’d been his best friend, had moved away. Lance had cried, which was when his dad had given him that first loser speech.
Over the years his dad had told him about other things that defined losers. And Lance was desperately trying not to be one.
Loser Lance. He could still hear his dad’s taunts. What would he say now, knowing that Loser Lance was struggling to keep his place in his business? After Lance’s divorce, he had overheard his dad make a snide comment to his brother, Ed Junior, at a family dinner about losers not being able to keep their wives. Lance had known whom he was talking about. Him.
He tried to be like Junior, living in the perfect house, with the perfect wife, the perfect family and owning his own company. Of course, Ed Junior’s company wasn’t really Ed Junior’s, but their father’s. Their father had built up the business and then Junior had just stepped in. Lance had built his from the ground up, a feat that had earned him grudging recognition from his father. To be forced out now would make him a loser again.
He swallowed the pain that inevitably came with thinking of his family. He’d never shared any of this with Erin, at least not the loser part. She’d had to go to all the disgusting family events where his father paraded Junior around like he was a hero and picked on Lance. His father had tried playing the comparison game with Erin, but when he’d commented about her not being as thin as Junior’s wife, Erin had told him it was a good thing she wasn’t married to Junior then. Lance had always admired that about her, her confidence in herself and how she’d never let his father’s antics rattle her.
In
his head, he knew it was ridiculous to play these games with his father, or to let his father’s opinion of him matter so much.
But he also knew, at least from his counseling sessions, that his father had shaped a lot of who Lance was. Not just in his drive to succeed. He’d always promised himself to be a better man than his father had been.
He could hear the sound of Erin and the boys laughing in the other room over a mixed-up train delivery. He couldn’t remember his father ever playing with him, or even Junior, for that matter. How many hours had Lance spent this past week on his hands and knees helping the boys build their train village and letting the trains go around the track?
He’d played a lot with Lily, too, but not as much.
For once that thought didn’t make him as sad as it used to. He could look back on those moments and treasure each one of them, just as he would the ones he’d been sharing with the boys. If he could go back and do anything differently, he would have played with Lily more.
As he tried focusing on the numbers on the screen, the disappointment on Erin’s face when he’d told Ryan he couldn’t play stared back at him.
She didn’t understand.
What was he supposed to do? Save his place in his business, the only chance he had at succeeding in life, or make a few more memories with these little boys?
What did it matter, anyway? He’d be gone in a week and who knew when he would be able to see them again.
His resolve strengthened by the answer of the unknown, the spreadsheets started to make sense. He could see the accounts and how small amounts were being drained, written off as rounding errors. But a dollar here and a dollar there added up quickly.
The only thing he didn’t see in the documents Chad had sent was where the money was going. Yes, Janelle had authorized every single one of those transactions, yet it wasn’t clear what had happened after. Shouldn’t they have also been able to find that money?