Maybe that was true. But Lance wasn’t sure he knew how. He’d carried the weight of guilt and anger around for so long, he wasn’t sure how to change it.
“I was supposed to come here to make peace with Erin over our divorce and daughter’s death. Today I realized just how wrong I’d been in treating her. I’m a horrible person. No wonder she left me.”
Ricky glared at him. “Stop that right now. You’re both hurting, and it’s no wonder. Losing a child is the toughest thing that can happen to a person. When my boy died, I was mad at the world, but mostly at myself because I’d been the one to push him away. I’ve lived a lot of years carrying around bitterness and anger, and you know what? It didn’t bring him back. It didn’t bring my wife back after she died. Rather than focusing on all the bad things you did, maybe you should talk to Erin and find out how you can move forward.”
Pastor Roberts nodded. “We look at a lot of things and say we don’t have a choice. But the one thing we can always choose is whether or not we bury ourselves in the past or move forward in the future. Maybe the peace you needed to make was to understand the wrongs so you could make it right. God doesn’t ask us to dwell in our mistakes. He forgives and wipes the slate clean. If you ask Him for forgiveness, He’ll do just that. So give Him your sins, your feelings of everything you’ve done wrong, and all this pain you’re carrying around.”
They made it sound so simple, but he could still picture the pain in Erin’s eyes as he’d hurled accusation after accusation at her. How did you forget hurting someone you loved?
She’d even been right about putting his business before family. And here he was, doing it again.
It had almost cost him his nephew.
True, Ryan’s life hadn’t actually been in danger. But what if something had happened to him out there?
“Do you mind if I pray for you?” Pastor Roberts asked.
Lance closed his eyes and, as the pastor prayed, could feel the peace washing over him. Erin used to tell him about feeling peaceful when she prayed, but Lance had never felt the same. Now, he understood.
The love and acceptance he felt from all these people was a reflection of the love and acceptance that came from God. Someone had called Ricky and a couple of friends from church, and almost everyone he knew from the church activities he’d attended was there. These people had literally dropped everything in their lives to help look for Ryan. And now that Ryan had been found safe, they were all in the kitchen and family room, celebrating.
Erin used to tell him that God’s love was so much more perfect than that of people. He’d always seen God as that stern father, mirroring his own. He’d never known love from his father, never known acceptance. Just the constant striving for perfection. As he looked over at Erin talking to her sister, he knew that she had never asked that of him.
When Pastor Roberts said, “Amen,” Lance opened his eyes and looked at the pastor. “Thank you for that prayer, and for accepting a man who had absolutely no interest in church. Maybe church, and God, isn’t what I thought it was. I’m looking forward to joining you on Sunday.”
He realized he hadn’t talked with Erin about staying longer, so he added, “That is, if I’m still here. I’d like to be, but I’m not sure how long the family will let me stay.”
“You can stay at my house if you want,” Pastor Roberts said. “We have plenty of room, and you’re always welcome.”
The hospitality warmed him. Feeling bolstered by his newfound faith, Lance went over to Erin. “I just spoke with the pastor, and we prayed. I think I finally understand everything you’ve always told me about faith. I do need God in my life, and if it wasn’t for you not giving up on me, I don’t think I could say the same.”
The coldness in her eyes burned him worse than the dry ice he sometimes got for camping.
“I’m glad for you,” she said slowly. “Perhaps God will give you whatever peace you were looking for. Because it’s not here. You did your job. You took care of me until my sister got here. Your services are no longer needed.”
This wasn’t the Erin he knew and loved.
Leah came to stand beside her sister and put her arm around her. “Thank you for taking care of the boys so Shane and I could have a honeymoon,” she said. “We don’t blame you for what happened with Ryan. It could have been anyone.”
Even though others had said the same thing to him, he could see the anger burning in Erin’s eyes. She blamed him.
How could he fault her? When Lily died, Lance had hurled accusations at her and made sure, every time he saw her, that he held her responsible for their daughter’s death. He’d already come to the conclusion that it wasn’t her fault. But he hadn’t had the opportunity to talk to her about it.
No, that wasn’t true. They’d had plenty of opportunity to talk. But Lance had always found something better to do and, following his old patterns, hadn’t told Erin how he was feeling.
He excused himself and headed toward the family room, where it was quieter. As he left the room, he saw Janie and Margaret go over to Erin and embrace her. Watching the hugs made him realize that it should have been him offering her the comfort. Then he remembered how, when Lily died, he’d refused Erin’s comfort, telling her she didn’t have the right when it was her fault their daughter was gone.
When Erin was in the hospital, she’d told him that she didn’t think he was a monster. But now, knowing what he’d put her through, knowing the agony of what she’d had to feel, only on a smaller scale, he couldn’t see himself as anything but one.
He’d thought her wrong for leaving him. He thought her cold for trying to move on.
But now he understood.
She’d been hurting, too. Devastated. And he’d only piled on more pain.
His counselor had told him he needed to make peace with Erin over the divorce and the loss of Lily. But she was wrong. The peace that had needed to be made was with himself. To deal with his grief. His pain. It had been easier when he’d had someone to blame. Because now, understanding that Erin had been sleeping because she was pregnant and how unsympathetic he’d been to her, he could see where he’d been at fault, too.
However even in reassigning that blame, it didn’t change the fact that Lily was dead. And so was their unborn baby, a child he’d never even had the chance to love.
A wave of grief hit him hard in the stomach, nearly knocking the breath out of him.
So much lost and he’d pushed away the one person who would understand.
He looked over his shoulder to see Erin warmly hugging another person who’d come to help her. In her new home, her new life, she had a whole community of people who were there for her. Unlike him. He turned to his job for comfort instead of his wife. Even before Lily, he’d put his company before the people he’d said he loved.
Erin had told him that she hoped God would give him the peace he needed. And he prayed that she was right. She’d made it clear she didn’t want him there anymore, and he was grateful that the pastor had offered him a place to stay. He’d spend the night there, and in the morning, he’d go back home, call his counselor and maybe, with her help and the assistance of God, he could finally come to terms with the monster he’d been and the man he wanted to be.
As he turned to leave, he nearly ran into Shane.
“Hey,” Shane said. “Now that the dust is settling, we should officially meet. I’m Shane Jackson, Leah’s husband, and the boys’ father. I appreciate the way you helped out with Erin and the boys.” Though Shane held his hand out to him, Lance didn’t take it.
“You forgot the part about me losing your son,” Lance said.
Shane nodded slowly but didn’t withdraw his hand. “It happens to the best of us,” he said slowly. “Did Erin tell you about the first time we met?”
Lance shook his head.
Shane grinned. “Well, shake my hand so folks don’t t
hink you have a grudge against me, then we’ll have a cup of coffee and I’ll tell you all about how Leah lost the boys and I helped her keep them safe.”
Lance reached out, shook Shane’s hand and then followed him into the kitchen.
When people had heard about how Lily had died, everyone had come to him with their stories of how easy it was to lose a child. He’d dismissed them all because their child hadn’t died. Seeing the compassion and forgiveness in Shane’s eyes, he realized they’d all just been trying to help him with his grief.
They hadn’t had this kind of community when Lily died. Sure, there were people from their church, but he hadn’t had relationships with any of them. He barely knew these people, but he’d like to think that the many people milling around the farmhouse were all friends. He’d never thought that any of the people in their old church had cared about him personally. But here, every smile, every casual squeeze, was about a community that cared. They wanted to provide comfort and ease his crushing guilt over having lost Ryan.
Shane told the story of meeting these three women who knew nothing about ranching, and how he’d had to teach them about keeping the boys safe in this environment.
There were so many dangers and risks in raising a child. At some point you had to recognize that you’d done the best that you could and leave the rest in God’s hands.
Lance had done neither.
Worse, he’d resented Erin for trying to do both. He’d expected a level of perfection he hadn’t realized until now was impossible.
So what now?
He loved Erin. That he couldn’t deny. But he’d wronged her on such a deep level that until he found peace inside himself, he wouldn’t be able to make it right.
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the pastor making his goodbyes.
“I have to go,” Lance told Shane.
Fortunately he didn’t have much by way of belongings, just the few things he’d picked up for his temporary stay.
“You don’t have to go,” Shane said. “No one is mad at you.”
Erin was. And she had the right to be. So how did he fix it? He didn’t know, but until he figured it out, he’d give Erin her space.
“Thank you all the same,” he said. “But the pastor invited me to stay at his house, and I think, given the circumstances, it’s best I do so.”
Shane didn’t argue as he let him go. He’d probably heard enough about Lance and Erin’s divorce to know just how badly Lance had messed things up.
Maybe someday Lance could find a way to make them right.
* * *
Later that night, Erin was curled on the couch with her sister, a fire crackling in the fireplace. With all the excitement over Ryan’s disappearance, they’d decided to go ahead and spend the night there, rather than go back to Shane’s house. Even though Erin knew that Leah would eventually have to make her home with Shane, she wasn’t sure she could handle being alone tonight.
Not with the memories and fresh waves of grief that had been hitting her all day.
“You can’t blame Lance,” Leah said. “Everything turned out fine. Besides, we all know how easy it is to lose track of the boys.”
It didn’t make the pain in Erin’s heart any better. “In theory, I know that to be true. But I keep replaying all the horrible things he said to me when Lily died.”
“Did you deserve it?”
Erin sat straighter. “Of course not. And now that I’m not panicking about Ryan, all of the logical reasons why it was just a dumb accident keep going through my head.”
Erin sighed. “But then I remember that the whole reason this happened was that Lance was on the phone with Chad. I thought he’d changed. I thought he’d finally learned that family was more important than business.”
Her sister put her arm around her. “I’m sorry. I know how hurtful it was to you when you were married.”
Erin shrugged. “I guess it wasn’t meant to be. A part of me still loved Lance, and I had this crazy hope that we’d get back together. But now I know that we can’t.” She reached for the cup of tea she had on the side table and took a sip. “Business comes first with him. I won’t let our family be second.”
She paused, knowing that wasn’t all of it. “That, and I’m not sure I can forgive him for how he treated me when Lily died.”
Leah nodded slowly. “Because he blamed you?”
“It’s more than that. I saw how Shane was there for you when Ryan was missing. And how, when I opened the door for you to blame me for Ryan’s disappearance, you comforted me instead.”
“Why wouldn’t I? We were both fearful and grieving. I know you, and I know that you will always put the boys’ best interests first.”
Her sister’s words added to the pain in Erin’s heart. “But Lance didn’t. Instead of grieving with me, and working through things together, he pushed me away and blamed me. Like he didn’t know me at all.”
Maybe they both hadn’t known each other. After all, she’d learned of his reasons to dislike Christmas only recently. He’d never opened up to her about his feelings—about the holiday, about Lily’s death, about anything important.
If they couldn’t talk about things that were important, and he hadn’t trusted in her character, or her love for their daughter, what did they have?
It didn’t matter. They were, and would remain, divorced.
Erin looked around at the disarray in the family room.
“I’m tired of talking about it,” Erin said. “It’s over. Let’s get on with our lives and what’s important. Like salvaging what we can of Christmas.”
Many of her decorations had been knocked down or moved to set up for rescue operations. Even though the ladies from church had cleaned the kitchen before they’d left, many of the decorations had been torn or were dirty. They’d had to throw away many of the things she and the boys had made. The kitchen tree had been moved to the porch and, at some point while it was on the porch, someone had knocked it over. The same with all the other trees in the house. Even the boys’ tree had been disheveled because Dylan had gotten upset when he’d realized his brother was truly gone and he reacted out of anger.
The only tree unscathed by Ryan’s disappearance was the one in Erin’s room. Where it had once brought her joy, it now only made her feel profoundly sad.
She thought that with the perfect Christmas, she and her family would make new memories to ease the pain of the bad. Not that any of it could be replaced, but she’d thought that adding happy memories would make it easier.
Now it felt like a shadow had been cast over the new things she’d try to create.
She gestured at the mess, not knowing where to start. “All this work, and it’s destroyed.”
“We can fix it,” Leah said. “I’ll get a trash bag, and we can start fresh tomorrow.”
Start fresh? It had taken her weeks to do this much. They’d never be ready in time for Christmas.
“I ruined Christmas,” Erin said, trying not to cry. “I was trying so hard to make the perfect Christmas so we could finally have the holiday we’d always dreamed of, but now it’s ruined.”
Leah took the cup of tea out of Erin’s hands and set it down before hugging her. “How can you even say that? We’re all together. We’re happy. We’re healthy. Ryan was found safe. As long as we have each other, that’s all that matters.”
In her heart Erin knew it was true. The idea that everything had to be pretty and perfect was precisely why Lance had said he hated Christmas. But it wasn’t just that.
Erin picked up a mangled snowflake. “We worked so hard for everything to be nice. I wanted the boys to have wonderful memories, unlike ours.”
Leah hugged her again. “They do have wonderful memories. They can’t stop talking about all the fun they had with you and Uncle Lance.”
For Erin, it would be just one more bitt
er memory of the past. How her heart had been broken once and truly for all.
Leah gave Erin another quick squeeze. “I hate to bring this up now, but the boys have been asking if Lance can come for Christmas. Shane and I were talking. They really love him. We’d like to invite him to spend time with the boys, but we don’t want to cause you pain.”
Erin figured this would happen. The boys loved Lance. Her issues with him were her issues, not theirs.
“It’s fine,” Erin said. “Despite my anger at him for focusing on work when he should’ve been watching them, he’s really good with them. I don’t want to deprive them of someone they love. I’ll be okay.”
Somehow she knew she would be. Yes, it would hurt seeing him, but at least now she wasn’t holding on to the ridiculous hope that she and Lance would be together again. He couldn’t be the man she wanted and that was okay. She had to believe that God had someone better for her. It was the same thing she’d been telling herself all along, but she finally believed it.
“At least I saved the big tree for us all to do together,” Erin finally said.
“Yes,” Leah said. “And Shane is rigging up something so you can go with us to get it. We’re still going to make wonderful memories.”
Her sister’s enthusiasm made Erin feel a little better.
This time when she looked around the room, she didn’t see all the mess and wasted effort. Instead she remembered the boys laughing and, with a pang, being here with Lance.
Yes, the Christmas she’d hoped to have was ruined. But maybe now the wound of her broken marriage would finally heal.
Even though she didn’t owe Lance anything, she’d continue working on the quilt, and as she sewed the pieces together, she’d pray for healing, for all that she’d lost, and trust that God would bring peace to her heart.
Chapter Thirteen
His Christmas Redemption Page 16