‘Hello, ladies,’ Steph said, as they approached the table where Renee and Michelle were already seated and who jumped up for a round of hugs. Erica thought the two others looked like they had been summoned and were a little on edge. Perhaps it was Steph. Perhaps it was not knowing what to say to Erica. Now she thought about it, their expressions were not dissimilar to how they’d been with each of Stuart’s poor milestone prognoses and then his death. Erica hated that her friends were so regularly walking on eggshells around her; when would she stop being the needy one?
‘God, you poor thing. What bloody awful bad luck,’ Michelle said.
‘Unfortunately, there aren’t any management jobs going at my work at the moment. But you’ll find something else. I’m sure,’ said ever-positive Renee.
‘I hope so.’ Erica took a sip of water as she contemplated just how much she was prepared to tell them.
‘It’ll be nice being a lady of leisure. You deserve a break,’ Michelle said.
‘Yeah. Though I’m hoping to get something else soon. I enjoy working.’
‘Of course,’ Michelle said.
‘But there’s nothing wrong with enjoying your downtime since it’s been foisted upon you,’ Steph said.
‘So, everyone,’ Erica said, in an effort to shift the spotlight a little, ‘do I tell the girls or not – Issy and Mackenzie, that is? I can’t decide.’
‘Oh. Won’t they know already, if it’s all over the news?’ Steph said. ‘Though I’m guessing they’re not sitting in Milan or wherever scrolling through Facebook.’
‘What would be the point of telling them?’ Michelle asked. ‘And would doing so cause them to worry? That’s the thing. If it’s going to make them fret about you and even cut their trip short, then, no, I wouldn’t say anything. It’s not like they can do anything about it, is it?’
‘I say, be honest,’ Renee said thoughtfully. ‘Tell them but assure them you’re fine. Because you are, right?’
‘Of course. It’ll be fine. I’m sure I’ll have another job in no time.’ Erica almost choked on her water she drank so quickly in the hope of avoiding Renee’s gaze. Renee didn’t tend to miss much. None of them did, really.
‘Are there other jobs for makeup specialists?’ Michelle asked absentmindedly while perusing her menu.
‘I bloody well hope so,’ Erica said.
‘Oh god. I’m sorry,’ Michelle said, her face blooming. ‘I didn’t mean. I was just –’
‘It’s okay. It’s a valid question. I think things are tough in every industry at the moment,’ Steph said. ‘Come on, let’s order before the hordes arrive. My treat.’
‘Oh no, you can’t,’ Michelle and Renee said at the same time.
‘Of course I can. And I am.’
Erica had long suspected Steph liked getting a hold over people by appearing generous. People also seemed to know not to argue. What was a few lunches here and there between friends? It all worked itself out.
‘Um,’ Erica said after they’d ordered; she’d pulled her phone out after hearing it signal a text had arrived. ‘It seems that question has been dealt with,’ she said, reading the message from Mackenzie’s phone, which included the initials of both her girls. ‘OMG Mum! Saw the news about JPW. Have you lost your job? Are you okay? Do you need us to come home and take care of you?’ she read aloud. ‘Don’t worry, the two laughing emojis tell me they’re joking and have no intention of doing any such thing. At least they softened that with love hearts and kisses.’ Erica smiled. She was pleased they seemed to be having fun and that there was no sign of them having guessed the truth about the family’s precarious financial situation.
‘Sorry, I’ll just be rude and reply,’ Erica said, ignoring Steph’s glare. Steph often treated social gatherings as business meetings under her command and had a strict rule of no phones at the table. Often Erica smiled at how people complied despite her thinking what will you do if we don’t? But she agreed with the concept. She, Steph and Michelle were old enough to have known a time before mobile phones and Renee wasn’t too far behind.
She tapped out her reply: Yes, terrible news about JPW. Now your old mum is a lady of leisure until something else comes up. I’ll be perfectly fine. All good. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ xx Hopefully the girls would be too busy rolling their eyes at her overuse of emojis to detect any fear or negativity.
‘So, are you going to look at doing something different or staying in the same field?’ Michelle said, nibbling on the complimentary bread roll.
‘Yes, the world’s your oyster,’ Renee said, using one of her favourite quotes.
Yes, with a really annoying grain of sand that is my finances. ‘I need to get something soon. I mean, you know, I’d be bored sitting around,’ she quickly added, emphasising with a wave of her hand.
‘So, are you now going to finally get back to pursuing your own dream?’ Steph said, dipping a chunk of bread in olive oil.
‘No. I think that was more about dreaming than a great passion to be pursued,’ Erica said.
‘Huh? What’s this?’ Michelle said, leaning closer over the table.
‘It’s never too late to change your life,’ Renee said. ‘What’s your dream?’
A rush of frustration so strong rushed through Erica that she had the sudden urge to throw up her hands and weep. She was rendered speechless.
‘She’s meant to be in films,’ Steph cut in before Erica had a chance to speak. ‘Sorry, not in films: in the film industry. Part of it – running a makeup department by now.’
‘What? Really? Oh wow,’ Michelle said, her tone dreamy, as if the suggestion was actually meeting Tom Cruise or someone else famous, which Erica had all those years earlier and found that sitting in her chair they’d just been people. Perhaps a little more highly strung and snappy. Erica told herself that the grim pursed lips in the mirror weren’t personal and any rudeness not directed towards her and that they were trying to stop the lines they’d memorised falling out and getting lost before they were captured on film.
‘So why aren’t you?’ Renee said.
‘Yeah, what happened?’ Michelle prompted.
‘Shit happened,’ Erica said, trying to sound light. So much shit has happened.
‘You’ve put it off long enough, put everyone before you for long enough. Now’s your time, Erica,’ Steph said.
‘I’m not sure. For a start I’d probably have to completely retrain.’
‘So …? Do it,’ Renee said.
I can’t afford it. Erica couldn’t tell them the truth. ‘And I’ve probably lost contact with everyone I knew worth knowing.’ It seemed a bit rude to Erica to suddenly pop up in someone’s voicemail or email inbox after two decades of silence, especially to ask for their help. Not to mention the exhausting dance of catching up on each other’s lives; that was a quagmire she didn’t want to wade into. Actually, she doubted she had any useful contact details left anyway. A couple of phone handset changes ago her contacts list had been inadvertently wiped. Maybe if she’d set up on LinkedIn, but she hadn’t done that either; she hadn’t seen the point back then. It all felt like something you had to really want, and she saw now that she just … didn’t.
‘You knew people in films?’ Michelle said, clearly in awe.
‘Yes, what do you think she went to California for?’ Steph said.
‘Oh. I didn’t know you were in the States,’ Michelle said. ‘Sorry.’
The table fell silent.
‘No, I shouldn’t have snapped. I’m just a little frustrated,’ Steph said, picking up her cutlery. You’re frustrated! ‘I’ve watched Erica’s dream float away because she put everyone else first.’
‘Maybe it wasn’t that important to me,’ Erica said, touched by Steph’s care. ‘Renee, isn’t it you who says passion can only be ignored for so long before it grabs you by the throat and demands you deal with it, pursue it? I guess there just isn’t anything grabbing my throat, you know?’
‘I get it,’ said her friend, smilin
g.
‘But you used to light up,’ Steph said. ‘And when was the last time you even went to see a movie? You used to go all the time.’
‘Yeah. I thought you just loved movies,’ Michelle said.
‘I do. Everything about them,’ Erica said. ‘And anyway, you can’t really go back and start something again and expect nothing to have changed – it was a different time and place. I was different.’
‘Fair enough. So how come you came back to Australia – and Adelaide of all places?’ Michelle said.
‘Hey, there’s actually a thriving – or if not yet completely thriving, definitely building – film industry here, I’ll have you know,’ Steph said.
Erica raised her eyebrows questioningly at Steph.
‘So, I read the papers online and whatnot,’ Steph said. ‘It’s true.’
‘Okay, but why did you come back?’ Michelle persisted.
‘As usual, she put everything aside for her man. Sorry, I loved Stuart dearly, and it’s not his fault, but still …’ Steph rushed to add when Erica opened her mouth to basically say the same thing. ‘Stuart’s parents had a serious car accident and, being an only child, he came back to help them recover.’
‘And then I got pregnant,’ Erica cut in, ‘and he didn’t want to raise kids in America.’
‘Fair enough,’ Michelle said.
‘And then just as the girls were becoming self-sufficient, Stuart got sick and then … well, here we are.’
‘I reckon it’s your turn to enjoy a quiet life,’ Michelle said. ‘But if you do want to, or start wanting to, you should totally pursue it. You don’t want to be lying on your death bed having regrets. Oh, shit. I’m so sorry. I She flushed with colour.
‘It’s okay. I know what you meant. I was actually forced to face it all again recently – the film makeup career, that is, not Stuart’s death – that never goes away. But, anyway, a young guy came in and I did a bruise on his arm – with makeup. It was such a small thing. If anything was going to sufficiently fire me up, then that would have been it. But it didn’t, really, well, not in a major way. It was fun, but that’s about it.’
‘But now you’ve lost your job maybe that means you’re meant to explore it. Nothing is pure coincidence,’ Renee said.
‘It could also mean I’m meant to do something different now,’ Erica said. What she really wanted to say was, I can’t afford to do anything other than get a job right away. She hated that she couldn’t make herself confide in them. Properly confide. But she couldn’t bear any more looks of pity. She’d had her fill of them. And she didn’t have the energy to calmly bat away all their well-meaning but off-base suggestions. People who made suggestions rarely came from a place of actually knowing what was involved. Oh, why don’t you just … You should … Like it was as quick and simple as a click of the fingers. She wished she was witty and slick with comebacks like Renee was when in top form. She always managed to sound serious when she said, ‘Oh okay, I’ll look into that,’ despite fuming to Erica in the next moment, when the person had departed, ‘Well, duh, don’t you think I’ve thought of that, dipshit?’ People always seemed to have an opinion and needed to provide it, despite complete ignorance. Men were the worst. Thankfully there was a name now for all the puffed-up condescension Erica’s age group had suffered in silence from them: mansplaining.
For women, advice tended to come from a place of genuine lifting up, assistance. With men, Steph was always saying, and she worked with a lot of them, it was about oppression, making themselves feel more important. According to her, men still often liked to press down on women’s heads and drown them under the guise of holding out a hand for support.
‘What about starting your own business and doing wedding makeup?’ Renee said after they’d fallen silent while the waiter had delivered their meals.
‘Hmm.’ Erica had thought about this years earlier – it’s what so many in her industry did. But back then her priority had been the girls. The last thing she’d wanted was to be absent on every single weekend and missing out on their growing up. And, with them both pursuing different out-of-school interests, both parents had often been needed to taxi them here and there. Her rotating shifts made it difficult enough to navigate.
‘Hell no, I couldn’t think of anything worse,’ Steph said. ‘All those bridezillas! You’d spend your whole time thinking, I gave up my weekend for this?’
‘Except the weekend wouldn’t be your weekend – you’d take off other days, like Erica does now. And not all brides are horrible,’ Michelle said.
‘Yes. True, I suppose, on both fronts,’ Steph conceded. ‘But it certainly wouldn’t be for me – I wouldn’t have the patience or diplomacy.’
Renee and Michelle both let out a laugh before Michelle said, ‘That’s the understatement of the year.’
And Renee said, ‘At least you know what your limitations are. Though I think they can always be overcome, addressed.’
‘I’ll find another job soon,’ Erica said, digging into her chicken and mushroom risotto.
‘The answers will come if you give them the time and space,’ Renee said, twirling spaghetti around her fork.
‘Are you always positive, Renee, like, do you ever have moments of doubt?’ Michelle asked, stabbing a piece of chicken. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean that to sound snarky. Honestly. I’m genuinely interested.’
‘Of course I have moments of doubt. And sadness, and fear. Every emotion.’
Erica wanted to say, ‘She’s an artist, for goodness’ sake – emotion is what she is,’ but her mouth was full and she too was interested in hearing what else Renee had to say.
‘I just don’t give the negative stuff too much oxygen. I look at why I’m feeling whatever I’m feeling, address the reason, if I can, and then move on. But of course, I haven’t been through anything as horrible and as serious as Erica’s experiences this year.’
Erica often thought that Renee always being so upbeat gave her further to fall when, if, she ever did. She seemed to take rejection and misunderstanding of her and her work in her stride and as fuel for her drive. Erica hoped she’d do the same if faced with a disaster – though really she hoped she didn’t ever face such tragedy at all, of course. Deep down she feared Renee’s bravado was a brittle shell that wouldn’t hold up under pressure. Another part of her thought Renee would never really succeed as an artist until she’d faced heartbreak and come out the other side. It put everything into a different perspective. Changed you as a person on the inside.
‘Well, burying your head in the sand never helps, either. Not in the long run. There must be other uses for your skills, Erica,’ Michelle said.
‘Yes, you could go and volunteer at aged homes and hospitals. You know, use your skills for good,’ Renee said.
‘Yes, because the beauty industry is so evil, right?’ Michelle said, with raised eyebrows.
‘Oh. Sorry, I didn’t mean that.’
‘It’s okay, Renee. I know you didn’t. And a lot of parts of it are unnecessary,’ Erica said. You’re right, though. I’d love to use my skills for something more meaningful. That’s what I want to do.
‘There are also plenty of people who use makeup for more than simply looking pretty – or for special effects,’ Steph added.
‘Yes, it was actually watching Steph’s mum, my Auntie Irene, covering up a childhood scar on her face when I was a kid that got me interested in makeup in the first place.’
‘Really? Wow. That’s so cool,’ Renee said. ‘Sorry, not that she had a scar. Obviously.’
‘She did that right to the end, no matter how many times we told her she didn’t need to,’ Steph said. Erica reached over and gave Steph’s hand a squeeze before releasing it again.
‘Any other ideas?’ she asked, forcibly injecting cheerfulness. She would have loved to divert attention away from herself, but it was the best she could do in that moment to steer the group away from their growing melancholy.
‘Well, remember to think a
bout transferrable skills too. I hate saying “think outside the box” – it’s such a bloody cliché – but, well, do that. Consider the parts of your personality and job that aren’t just related to makeup.’
‘Yes! Like the fact that you’re also well-versed in customer service, too,’ Renee said.
‘Exactly,’ Michelle said.
‘Urgh,’ Steph said.
‘Excuse me, I’m in customer service,’ Renee said.
‘And is it your dream job, Renee?’ Steph asked, staring Renee down.
‘No.’
‘Well, then, I rest my case.’
God, I love you guys, Erica thought, chuckling to herself silently at their good-natured bickering.
‘I think what you need is a pet for company,’ Renee said suddenly, as she laid her fork down and picked up her water glass.
‘I’m not sure. I’m hoping to get another job. But I’ll see how I go with Boris for a few days.’
‘So, you’ll definitely do it?’ Steph said.
‘Of course. I told you I would.’ Anything to distract me from my problems.
Chapter Fourteen
‘Now you’re sure you’re fine with having Boris stay?’ Steph said, with the car parked but still idling across Erica’s driveway.
‘Yes. Absolutely.’ Though Erica had the creeping sense she wasn’t sure about anything any more.
‘Okay. Great. Thanks so much.’
‘No worries.’
‘I’ll drop him off first thing in the morning. That way he won’t get stressed when he sees me getting out my suitcase.’
‘I’ll be here.’ Erica tried for a playful raised-eyebrows expression, but it was probably more like a cringe, going by what Steph said next.
‘It will be okay, Erica. Just hang in there. Anyway, it’s early days.’
‘You’ve been spending too much time with Renee,’ Erica said, trying to drag her spirits up from the floor of the car, but again failing.
‘I’m not sure I share her deep philosophical views, but she does have a point about being positive. It can’t hurt. And no one wants to spend time around a misery-guts.’
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