by West, Jade
But he was mine.
He loved me.
I’d never questioned that in all the time we’d been together.
“But it’s Maya…” I began. “You hardly know her…”
He smirked at me. “I know her pretty well, Anna. I’ve been seeing her for months, I’ve just been waiting to let you know.”
No.
It couldn’t be.
No. It just couldn’t.
But he was so sure standing there. So solid with his shoulders so tall in his coat.
Fuck, he was already dressed to leave. He had his coat and shoes on.
It finally hit me. The tears came hard and fast, hands on my stomach as I struggled with the sickness.
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!” I was screaming. “I DON’T GET IT!”
“Get it,” he hissed. “I’m sorry, Anna, but I don’t love you. I don’t think I ever have.”
I was shaking my head, because it couldn’t be real. Please God, it couldn’t be real.
But it was.
It was real.
And it was agony. Pure agony.
He watched me crying and I didn’t know what to do. I stumbled backwards into the wall, and I hated him and hated Maya and hated myself and the whole fucking world.
“Why?!” I whispered through the tears. “Why do you love her more than me?!”
I didn’t expect him to answer, but he did.
“Maya is amazing. She’s so fucking smart, and so fucking funny, and so fucking hot. I’ve known it for years, I just wasn’t sure she wanted me back, not while she was with Paul Slater.”
I couldn’t see it. I really couldn’t. But his eyes said it all.
“How long?” I asked, and he shrugged.
“Plenty long enough, Anna. Plenty long enough to know my future is with her.”
I retched. Retched and doubled up and my vision was blurry and my ears were ringing.
He didn’t even try to come to me.
And then he laughed.
He fucking laughed at me.
“Chill out, Anna. I’ve put three months’ rent in your account until you find a new place. You’ll get over it.”
Jesus Christ, I wouldn’t ever get over it.
It was crushing, like my whole heart had been ripped out and stamped into nothing. So physically fucking painful as I struggled to ride the hurt.
“Don’t do this, Lucas,” I managed. “Please, Lucas, don’t…”
It sounded like I was begging, my words were so weak, and I hated myself for trying. I hated how the anger wasn’t anywhere near close to the pain.
He dropped his key on the counter and came up close.
“I’ll see you around,” he said. “Thanks for a good few years, just a shame it wasn’t good enough.”
But he wouldn’t see me around.
Not ever again.
I’d rather kill myself than share another breath in the same room as that cunt and his poisonous fucking soul.
He shut the door behind him and I sank to the floor, and I retched and spluttered and sobbed so hard I couldn’t see. There was nothing in me that understood. Nothing in me that could really believe it. Nothing in me that could believe the man I’d left behind had shrivelled and died and become the evil monster who’d just ripped me apart.
He should have been kissing me, hugging me, slamming me over the island and fucking me wild.
He should have been happy, laughing. We should have been happy, laughing, a mess of filthy catch-up sex. But I was alone, a mess on the floor for all the wrong reasons, his smirk on loop as that door closed behind him.
I scrabbled for my phone and my hands were trembling so hard I could hardly call up Nicola’s number. She answered with a heyyyy, but I responded with a retch, and she was asking me what the hell was wrong, what the hell had happened, and I struggled to tell her through jagged breaths.
It was a scream of a sob when it came out of me.
“I need you. Please, God, Nicola, I need you. Lucas has gone. He’s gone!” And then I said it. I said it and made it all real. “He’s left me for Maya Brooks. He’s in love with Maya Brooks.”
She sucked in a breath of her own. “What the fuck?!”
I could only meet her with fresh sobs, and I could hear her walking on the other end of the line, hear her grabbing her keys.
“I’m on my way,” she said. “I promise, I’ll be there soon!”
I hung up the call and rested my head back against the wall and begged the universe that she would be with me soon. I begged the universe that this was some sick joke and I was asleep on the fucking train caught up in a nightmare.
But it wasn’t a nightmare. It was real.
The man I loved with all my heart and soul had laughed in my face that he was in love with Maya Brooks, and left me alone in the carnage, and I’d never hear from him again.
And that’s when it happened.
That’s when my mind gave up along with my heart as I failed to ride the pain.
That’s when I had my first seizure.
Chapter Nineteen
Anna
Back in the present.
I couldn’t believe how much I’d truly blanked out the pain those past few weeks. I’d blanked it out and held it back like some kind of amnesiac on some stupid perpetual fairground ride.
I was sobbing all over again as it rose up from the ugly depths of my soul and I remembered just how much the man before me had hurt me all those years ago.
It was supposed to be one stupid filthy fuck. Nothing more than a decent orgasm that I was a total fucking joke for even considering.
I’d been a disgusting asshole to myself for even having his number on my phone, let alone texting the vile prick.
But here I was, crying for Lucas Pierce, in love with him all over again.
I don’t think I’d ever stopped being in love with him. Not even for Sebastian who’d picked me up from the floor and given me a whole new world.
I hated myself and I hated the prick in front of me all over again. I remembered his cold expression as he’d laughed at me, his smirk as that door closed behind him, and with that I tried to step away, but I couldn’t. He held me there, his arms wrapped tight around my thighs.
“Please, Anna,” he said, and his voice was choked. “Please just hear me out.”
“Hear what?” I hissed. “The way you fucking destroyed me? The way you laughed at me? The way you didn’t even say fucking sorry?!”
“I couldn’t,” he said. “I couldn’t say sorry because I’d never have been able to leave you if I had. I’d never have been able to stay away from you if you’d have even tried to fucking forgive me.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?!” I screeched. “What the fuck do you mean you’d never have been able to leave me?! You were in love with Maya fucking Brooks! You fucked me over for Maya fucking Brooks!”
He was shaking his head and he was crying too.
I’d never seen him like that.
I’d never seen him cry, and never seen him hurting just as bad as he was hurting right then along with me.
I gave up. I fell to the floor and pulled my legs up and I rocked back and forth as I tried to catch my breath. He collapsed too and sat so close, pressing his forehead to mine, even though I wailed for him to go.
“I’ll never be leaving you again,” he whispered through the tears. “I swear to God, Anna, I’ll never be leaving you again.”
“Why?!” I cried, and it came out so weak and so hurt. “Why did you leave me the first time if it was so fucking hard?! Why were you seeing her for so fucking long behind my back without giving the slightest shit about how much it would fucking destroy me?!”
“I wasn’t,” he said. “It was one stupid mistake, Anna. One stupid, drunken, cuntish fucking mistake on one cuntish night you were gone.”
My mouth dropped open, and I couldn’t believe it. It didn’t make sense.
“What the hell are you talking about
?!” I snapped. “You were in love with her!”
“I never fucking loved her,” he told me, and he was looking straight in my eyes so raw and so real, I believed him. I believed him and I felt it in my stomach. “I loved you. I always loved you. It was just one fucking mistake after two many fucking drinks, and I paid for it. Jesus Christ, I paid for it. It’s been an acorn rolling down fucking Everest every fucking step of the way, gathering up so much fucking snow that it’s a fucking avalanche that’s fucked up my whole fucking world.”
Yet again, I didn’t get it.
I couldn’t get it.
“Then why?” I asked him. “Why didn’t you tell me so?! Why weren’t you honest with me?” I paused and held back another sob. “I mean, I would have hated it, and it would have hurt real fucking bad, but if it was one mistake, Lucas… if it was just one mistake, then maybe we could have worked through it… maybe I could have forgiven you…”
“I know,” he said. “I know you would’ve tried.”
“So, why?” I pushed again, and my tears were streaming. “Why the hell did you leave?”
He took a breath, and his tears were streaming too as he gathered his voice to speak.
“Because she was pregnant,” he said, and his words were choked. “My God, Anna. She was fucking pregnant.”
Chapter Twenty
Lucas
Ten Years Ago
Three weeks didn’t sound all that long, but it would be. I’d miss her like hell.
She’d been struggling with stress for a few months, that pissing job and that jackass boss of hers putting so much pressure on her, having her working late every night and so wound up with deadlines that she was barely sleeping.
I’d hoped that requesting a whole chunk of time out like that would have them saying it was unviable and she’d have to make the choice to hand in her resignation, but they didn’t. They’d been working her so bloody hard that she’d barely taken any annual leave, so there was a whole stack of days backed up to use.
So use them she did.
I’ve never been a fan of New Age bullshit. Anna was one of these meditation and visualisation and dream interpretation types who believed in the universe mapping out a road ahead. Whatever.
She stopped at the Neptune fountain in the centre of town every time we passed the thing, pulling a coin from her purse and tossing it in with a wish.
Every single time she would ask if I’d make a wish alongside her, and every time I replied with the same statement.
“The universe isn’t responsible for my road ahead, Anna. I am.”
Yes, I fucking was.
And responsible for the mistakes I made along the fucking way.
I’d waved her off from the platform with a thousand kisses and a lurch in my gut. She’d mouthed love you before she disappeared from view and I’d mouthed the same right back.
That first afternoon was boring. I flicked through TV channels and tried to flick through a paperback when they didn’t hold my interest, but still I was bored.
I didn’t drink all that much around Anna, I didn’t head out and hit club nights every weekend until I was staggering home, like I had so much of the time before we’d got together. A couple of glasses of wine while we were talking about our day while we made dinner. A shot of whisky before bed when we’d had a particularly crazy fuck fest of an evening, but nothing more than that.
I figured it would be a good time for a splurge, and called up some friends and hit the town. We trekked around a few bars and I downed the beers and laughed the laughs and started up on the shots. I messaged Anna from the bar at Casey’s Casino down on Broad Street, telling her how much I fucking loved her, and then necked back a couple more whiskies.
I think it was at Casey’s we first met some more of our friends out on the town. I didn’t know them so well as the others, they were mainly Dave and Kyle’s regular hang out girls. There was Dawn Richards, and Yasmin Boyle and Hannah Ames.
And Maya Brooks.
There was Maya Brooks standing there at the bar with a large glass of white in her hand.
I barely spoke to her, keeping my laughter on Dave and Dawn for the most of it, but those shots kept on coming. We moved onto Bar Royale down the street and I could barely walk straight.
I think that’s when Maya first giggled and came up to my side to keep me steady.
She smelt like Anna.
Same perfume. Black cherry and sea.
“Where’s your sweetheart?” she asked, as if she’d read my mind, and Dawn answered before I could.
“She’s up in Perth at that twenty-one day retreat. Sounds fucking ace.”
“Right,” Maya said, and I should have registered the smirk sooner.
I didn’t. I was already too fucking gone.
There was already another triple shot waiting for me at the bar at the Ocean, courtesy of Dave. I looked at it through hazy eyes and should have opted for a taxi home.
I didn’t think Maya was that close to me, just hovering. I didn’t really notice her looking at me, just kept on laughing with the guys and checking my phone for messages from Anna.
I knew they’d taken hers off her at this bloody retreat thing, but still I kept checking it, and still there was nothing.
Another triple shot and it was madness.
I remember heading to the toilet and propping myself against the wall on the way, and then it all went blank. Blank until Dave was slapping me on the back goodbye and dropping himself into a taxi and Maya was clinging onto my arm and saying we’d share a ride in the next one.
She pulled a small bottle of whisky from her handbag in the backseat as we were setting off, and I remember laughing as I took it after her, swigging some back.
Idiot.
Stupid fucking idiot.
And then there was nothing.
Not until I woke up the next morning in a bed that looked nothing like mine.
My head was pounding, and my mouth was bone dry, and the room was spinning as I tried to get up. And there she was, grinning at my side, propped up on her elbow. Topless and loving it, and enough to send me reeling.
Maya Brooks.
I was in bed with Maya Brooks.
She tossed her brunette curls like some kind of porn star and acted like this was the most regular event in creation, and I was lost to the whole craziness of it, bleary-eyed and still barely sober.
“What the hell?” I asked her with a croaky voice. “What the hell happened?”
She gave me a giggle. “Plenty happened, Lucas. You were amazing.”
I didn’t know how the fuck I could have been amazing after that much drink. I didn’t know how the fuck I could have even got it up.
She reached out for me and I forced myself to my feet, staring down mortified as she rolled onto her back and pulled the covers down.
“Come on, then, in for another go.”
Another go was the last thing I wanted. Thoughts of the first go were enough to turn my stomach.
“I can’t believe I did this,” I said, and I hated myself. I hated every fucking cell in my body.
“Oh, you did it,” she told me. “You couldn’t keep your hands off me once we got through the front door.”
I tried to walk away but had to prop myself up on her bedside table. I had to fight back the sickness as I gathered my clothes from the floor and struggled my way into them.
“I need to go,” I choked, and she let out a groan.
“Don’t be so boring,” she said. “Now we’ve had one ride, you may as well dive back in for another.”
I shook my head and the room was spinning. “I need to go,” I said again, and headed for the door.
“You said you had feelings for me,” she told me. “You said you always had.”
“Then I was lying,” I said back without hesitation. “Anna is my world.”
She laughed. “Clearly not.”
I got out of that room as fast as I could, storming straight across to the bathroom wher
e I puked my guts up. I was a wreck, a guilty pitiful wreck of the man I’d been when I’d waved Anna off on that platform.
Maya was propped in the doorway while I was still retching.
“What do you want to do?” she asked, like it wasn’t fucking obvious.
“Go home,” I said, and my mouth tasted of puke.
“I mean it,” she told me. “I’d love another go. Maybe we could have something…”
I burnt her eyes with mine, and I could barely fathom it, how she was so keen to continue with something that meant so fucking little.
“I’ve liked you for a long time,” she said with a shrug, like that was an explanation.
“I’m in love with Anna,” I said again.
“And I said that clearly you’re not,” she scoffed. “Seriously, Lucas, you weren’t in love with her last night when you were fucking me senseless.”
There was something so calm about her, so sure of her words and her stance and the rightness of this fucked up situation that made me feel sick on top of sick. I flushed the toilet and pushed myself to standing, and I was out of there, down the stairs and finding my phone on her coffee table.
No messages.
For once I was so fucking glad there were no messages.
She was wrapped in a satin slip of a thing when she joined me downstairs, and I felt like a prick from all angles.
“I’m sorry,” I told her. “Fucking hell, Maya, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the whole fucking lot of it.”
I didn’t hang around to hear a response, just threw myself out of there and stumbled down the drive. I squinted and recognised the road and knew I was just a few streets from mine, so I ran.
I ran like a skidding stumbling mess all the way home, and when I got there I fell through the door and hit the floor in the hall, and I hated myself. Our home smelt of us and our life and our future and I hated myself for ever being such a drunken prick.
I called up Anna’s number and thought about hitting dial, but I knew she wouldn’t answer. I pulled up my emails and the emergency contact details of the venue, but couldn’t bring myself to wreck the retreat she was counting on so much just to give her a whole load more stress.