by West, Jade
And then somehow I got myself ready for work.
I tried to take part in my morning meetings, knowing full well my eyes must be nothing short of shadows underneath. I tried to smile and joke about just how great Oscars was with Lucia and Stacey and Melissa, and it stabbed me in the heart all over again – hearing how happy they’d been to meet him. A spiteful tease from fate at just how good life could be between us if we made it through.
I was waiting to talk with the Kershaw’s project manager when I had to revisit the fun chatter all over again with Peter and Jamie from finance, and I was on the edge of breaking all over again. I was feeling my dreams crumbling a second time around and praying for a miracle when I got a summoning call through from Lucia back on reception.
I had a visitor.
My heart raced, wondering, just wondering, if it was Lucas coming to tell me he’d found a way through hell, but I should have known.
I should have known there was no way Lucia would have said anything more than ‘your dance buddy is here and waiting’, or ‘here your hot guy comes’ if it had been Lucas out there.
I should have known it was some more shit on top of the rest to face on a Monday morning.
But I’d never have known it was Margaret Pierce standing there in reception waiting for me, the first time I’d seen his mother in a decade.
I’d never have known her cheeks were lined with tears, and that she’d take my hands in hers and beg me to let Lucas go back to Maya.
Her brown hair was clearly dyed now and tied up in a bun, and she looked thinner and older, but she was still her as she called up a string of beautiful pictures of a smiling happy family and shoved them in my face.
Lucas smiling at Maya with their baby girl in his arms, and Maya glowing happy in her wedding dress.
A video of Lucas and Maya singing happy birthday to Millie over a dinner table and both of them holding her tight when the candles went out.
“Please, Anna,” she said, and her eyes were so raw on mine I felt the sick bubbling in my throat. “Please, don’t do this. Maya’s a lovely woman who wants to try her best, and she’s always loved him, and always will, he’s just made it so hard for her to show it.”
I couldn’t speak, so she carried on.
“If you love him, then love his daughter too. Please don’t make him choose. Please don’t.”
And that’s when I knew it.
That’s when I knew the answer.
The choice wasn’t his to make, the choice was mine.
It stabbed.
Oh fuck, how it stabbed.
But it was there. And it was real. The answer staring me in the face through the shit storm, while we were still choking and trying to breathe in some semblance of an answer from the clouds.
This time around it wouldn’t be Lucas walking away, it would be me.
But this time I’d be doing it for him.
Him and his little girl.
Chapter Thirty
Lucas
I burst through the door at my mother’s house and I didn’t give a shit about how fucking fierce I looked. I was straight through to the living room where she was sitting in her armchair staring over at some mindless bullshit on the TV, and I closed the fucking distance like a fucking bull at a red rag.
I nearly threw the TV remote across to bust through the screen, but managed to hold my temper back enough to press the power off and toss it back onto the side table, and then I asked her the question. Yelled it out with a voice racked with pain, and rage, and pure fucking panic.
“WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!”
Her eyes were a mirror of fierce on mine, lips pursed as she glared back at me.
“Because somebody had to see sense, Lucas. Somebody had to see sense and solve this ridiculous situation!”
I leaned into the chair, my hands on the arms, and she pressed herself back into the cushions, with her eyes opening wider.
I hadn’t been this close to her in years.
“IT WAS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS, MOTHER! IT NEVER HAS BEEN!”
It was then that she flipped back with her authority. She pushed me backwards and jabbed a finger straight at my face.
“It’s always been my fucking business, Lucas. Millie is my fucking granddaughter, and it’s you who’s being a selfish idiot enough to watch Maya taking her away!”
“Selfish?!” I barked. “What’s selfish about wanting to be with Anna? Maya was the one who walked away from me!”
“Because you were a selfish idiot to her! Right the way through your marriage, Lucas! She’s had years of your selfish bullshit! Years!”
I stepped away from her and caught my breath, and there was that flash of guilt again in my gut. The whole world was spinning, reeling, driving me fucking insane, and there was still no way through. No fucking way at all.
My hands were in my hair.
My lip was pinned between my teeth.
My heart was thumping.
Mother used my silence to carry on speaking.
“Maya’s a lovely woman,” she said. “Loving and genuine and honest. She’s always done her best with you, right from the beginning when you got her pregnant in one stupid night’s mistake. She committed everything to you! But you don’t, do you? You never make her feel like she’s worth anything, least of all the mother of your child. The least you can do is commit to her right back. Just like she deserves, Lucas!”
Another pang of guilt hit hard, but there was more. A whole ocean of churned feelings battling deep.
My words came out in a hiss.
“I did commit to her right back. And I did always do my best with her, right from the beginning when I got her pregnant in my one stupid night’s mistake. Why does that make her so much better than me?! I was the one who gave up my whole fucking world for one stupid fucking mistake! ONE STUPID FUCKING MISTAKE!”
“You gave up your whole fucking world to start a new one!” she hissed back. “To start a new one with a woman who loved you!”
“ANNA LOVED ME!”
She stood up from her chair and the finger jab was even stronger. “YOU DIDN’T GET ANNA PREGNANT THOUGH, DID YOU?!”
The atmosphere was toxic, both of us desperate and pained. Mother swallowed, and I saw the fear and the hurt in her eyes staring right back at me.
And I felt it. It was right there in me too.
“Millie needs to come back to us,” she said. “Whatever the cost, Lucas, Millie needs to come back to us!”
I couldn’t argue with that, so I didn’t try, just stared at a picture of my beautiful little girl hanging above the TV, with her sweet little smile grinning bright as she held up a handful of daisies she’d picked from the garden. I wanted my daughter back enough that I’d have bled for her, but it wasn’t fair. Surely it couldn’t be fair to lose Anna. None of this could be fair for Anna and I to lose each other all over again.
“You are going to try again with Maya, aren’t you? You are going to get your family back together and get Millie back here?”
And the pang of guilt in me said that I should. Just like it always had done, right from the beginning. It said that I’d misread everything about Maya and how she felt about me. That maybe all the spite and disgust and criticism she’d dished out to me over the years was because I didn’t love her enough and never had. And maybe I should’ve seen it. I saw it as her not giving any more of a shit for me than I gave about her and being trapped for the sake of Millie, but maybe I was wrong.
Maybe I was every bit the cunt everyone believed me to be.
But even though the pang of guilt in me said that I was a cunt who should have seen things better and tried harder, it couldn’t alter a thing.
Because I didn’t love Maya.
I’d never loved Maya. I’d just been trying to create one sliver of good from a mistake so fucking bad, and it had never made any difference.
I loved Anna. I’d always loved Anna. I’d do anything to have her back.
&nb
sp; But Mother had taken her from me with one disgustingly fronted office visit. Just like she’d been so keen to take her from me the first time around with her spouted advice.
She was still pointing the finger as she summoned up her next words.
“You’ll thank me for this one day,” she said. “Believe me, you’ll thank me for this!”
My eyes were on fire as I stepped back up close. Her jabbing finger trembled when she saw how serious I was in my rage.
My words were a simmer of pure fucking venom.
“Believe me, I’ll never fucking thank you for this, Mother. Stay out of my fucking life if you can’t respect it.”
I didn’t bother saying goodbye, just stormed out of there and slammed the door closed behind me.
I lit up a cigarette before I was even clear of her driveway, heart still pounding hard as I drove out onto the Lydney back lanes and called Anna’s number all over again.
Yet again it went to voicemail.
Yet again I begged her to answer me.
But she wouldn’t.
Of course she wouldn’t.
Anna was always sure of her own mind – it was one of the things I loved most about her. How fucking typical that it was now the main thing about her that would cost me her love.
There was no doubt about it – Anna’s mind had told her loud and fucking clear, thanks to my mother, that I needed to be with my daughter, whatever the cost.
I called her again. It went to voicemail again.
I left another message and sent another text. But nothing.
She’d delivered her decision to leave me in a short, sharp, cold little phone call she’d been hiding back so much in, and it was pitiful, but I knew why.
I knew there was no way she’d have been able to tell me in person without both of us breaking from the pain.
I thought about driving round to her place and seeing her in person, because I knew it would be so much harder for her to stay fixed on her decision in the flesh. But she’d never answer the door. And neither would Vicky Mason, no matter how much I begged her to. Hell only knows what the fuck Nicola Henshaw would do if she was the one to answer.
I nearly leapt out of my skin when a text finally sounded through, fingers shaking around my latest cigarette when I saw it was from Anna.
Please God. Please fucking God, give me a chance.
But no.
I’m doing this for you. And I’m doing this for your daughter. Please don’t make this harder than it is for me. I won’t be changing my mind.
I tried to reply. I really did.
I managed to get a we’re supposed to be together, Anna, we’ve always been supposed to be together message over to her and was typing out another when her next came through.
Maybe we will be together in another lifetime, she said, with a kiss, and then she sent a last little goodbye.
That was it. A goodbye.
I was typing another message as quickly as I could, begging her to listen to me and give me a chance to work this out, but when I tried to send it my number was blocked. I couldn’t send a text and the number no longer went to voicemail when I called her. It went to a dead line.
My forehead was against my steering wheel and my breaths were nothing short of retches when another ping sounded out. It took me a few minutes to get my senses together enough to look at the text, and when I did it made me retch a whole load harder.
Nerves, and guilt, and regret, and fear.
And relief.
And pain.
So much fucking pain.
The message was from Maya, and it should have been everything I wanted.
We’re coming home tomorrow, it said. You can come and see Millie. We need to talk.
But even now I slammed my forehead right back on the steering wheel as my guts bubbled higher.
Seeing Millie would be heaven. Talking to Maya would be hell.
Even if I did want to talk to her. Even if meeting up with Maya was something that made perfect sense on some fated plane out to kick me in the ribs at the cost of love, just what the holy fuck was I going to say to her?
Where the holy fuck could we ever – fucking ever – manage to go from here?
My heart was with Anna.
It would always be with Anna.
Chapter Thirty-One
Anna
The days were long, and the days were shit, and work didn’t cut it this time. Not for the distraction it needed to be.
I was quiet, keeping away from the friends who were determined to reach out and big me up about how wise I was being, putting pressure on top of pressure to give my real life another shot.
My parents were calling constantly, asking me to go over to dinner with Seb at their dining table. Nicola was inviting me out every evening for some girl time. Vicky was wanting to watch reality TV with me and bitch about the contestants.
I wanted none of it.
I wanted Lucas.
There was only one social that I couldn’t shy away from, and that was Amy Miller’s wedding.
I gave it everything I possibly could to enjoy the amazing experience of a friend I’d known for years, but it was impossible. Truly, it was impossible.
My heart was shattered into pieces right the way through.
The pride of her father walking her down the aisle to meet the man she loved. The way he was so proud of the life she was walking into.
The glow on her face as she stared up at her fiancé, knowing they were crossing that beautiful threshold into something more.
The nerves as she took the ring on her finger and how he was helping her keep her hand steady, squeezing tight.
The cute little bridesmaids holding their posies and giggling as they twirled around to see their skirts flow.
Fantastic.
Another big thank you to the universe for helping me feel so damn great.
I was sitting at a table at the reception party, once again fully ingrained amongst the usual crowd toasting my great decision, except it wasn’t great, was it? It was necessary. Necessary and cruel and shit.
I was struggling to clap along to the speeches Amy’s parents and their best friends were giving to the crowd – feeling sick at just how much support couples got for their love when the people surrounding them gave a thumbs-up.
I was struggling to keep a face on my hurt, smiling a fake smile while Amy and Dan took their first dance for the guests – when all I was thinking about was spinning in Lucas’s arms in Oscars, dancing like the night would never end.
I was struggling not to bail out and shut myself away in the venue toilets to sob the makeup off my face. It would have been so easy, but so unfair too. Unfair to draw any attention to me on someone else’s special day.
I guess that’s why I was smoking. Smoking and drinking champagne. Smoking and avoiding every scrap of conversation that could stab me further in the gut.
I was still getting the scowls, and the shakes of the head, and everyone telling me how terrible it was for my meds, but it was the least of my concerns. Getting through the day was all that mattered, and staying outside as long as possible to soak up the nicotine was the best chance it had of happening.
That’s where Yasmin Boyle found me – just like the last time round. She stepped outside to the smoking area just as I was lighting up one of mine, and there was that strange look on her face as she stepped up close. Just like I’d seen outside Nicola’s girls’ night shenanigans.
“I heard you let Lucas go back to Maya,” she said.
I shrugged, champagne blunt. “I didn’t have much choice. He needed his daughter and she needed him.”
She shrugged right back. “I heard she stole her down to Hampshire and didn’t give either of you a fair choice. Selfish cow.”
“Yeah, well, it’s done now,” I said, and took a long drag. “He’s probably back at home with her trying again. Whatever. She wants him, he’s her husband. They have a decade together behind them to make it work and he owes her
more than he’ll ever owe me.”
Yasmin let out a sneer at that. “If only you knew. She owes both of you more than anything, believe me.”
But I didn’t want to believe her and I didn’t want to know, because what was the point? Even the thought of listening to what she was blatantly eager to tell me was stabbing me harder in the ribs that I could manage. I was dithering on the spot, hating life for all it was worth, and it didn’t matter. Nothing Yasmin said to me could matter.
Maya had stated her case, and it didn’t matter who she was or what she did, there was no way I’d go back on my decision now. Even if I wanted to run to Lucas over burning coals with open arms, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t bear to stir up a whole fresh load of carnage, because he was back at home now. Back at home with his family.
I would never be his family again.
So I didn’t hear her out. I said it was nice to see her and stubbed my cigarette in the bin and walked away. I went back into the venue, where everyone was dancing, and I watched the world having a good time with a fresh fake smile on my face for as long as I could stand it.
And then I left.
I bailed out of there and called a taxi back into town and I jumped out at the Neptune fountain. I let out all the tears I’d been banking up as I tossed a whole handful of coins into the water from the bottom of my handbag, and then I made my wish.
I made the same wish I made a decade ago, with the same tracks of tears down my cheeks and the same broken throb in my stomach.
I wish that I could forget about Lucas Pierce for the rest of my life.
But even Neptune would never be that strong.
He hadn’t been that fucking strong last time around.
Nicola and Vicky stumbled into the apartment late that night, long after I’d bailed from the wedding. I heard them singing party songs and clattering around in the kitchen, and then I heard the inevitable rap of knuckles on my bedroom door.