There was another shout from the kitchen but quieter.
“Maybe they’re calming down,” Rhia said.
“Maybe.”
Rhia pulled her hand out from under the blanket. “Thumb war?”
Lil smiled. “You hate thumb war.”
“It’s your birthday. I’m feeling magnanimous.”
Lil took her friend’s hand. It was warm. They both wore the same nail varnish. Bright orange. The color Rhia had bought Lil for her birthday. Lil felt a bit better. “One, two, three,” she said.
From the kitchen she heard, “You don’t think about anyone except yourself.”
“Four,” Rhia said.
“You don’t know anything about me and Cai.”
“I declare a thumb war,” Lil said.
The kitchen door opened. Mella’s voice was loud and clear. “. . . end up like you!”
Before Lil registered that her body was moving, she was out in the hallway. Her hands were in fists, and she was shaking so hard she could barely get the words out. The sight of her sister just enraged her further. “It’s . . . it’s my birthday!” she spit, anger rising as she realized she sounded like a small, stupid child.
“It’s my birthday,” Mella said in a horrible singsong voice.
In that moment Lil hated her. “You ruin everything, Melanie,” she snapped. “You’re so selfish. You know that? Why don’t . . . why don’t you just piss off and leave us alone. Go to Cai’s. Stay there. I don’t care if I never see you again.”
Out of the corner of her eye, Lil could see Rhia’s pinched face. She heard her sharp intake of breath. Lil folded her arms across her chest, keeping the anger inside, not yet ready for it to burn out.
“Fine!” Mella retorted, opening the door and then slamming it so hard behind her that the sound echoed around the whole house.
Rhia moved closer, slowly, like she was approaching a wild animal. “She’ll know you didn’t mean it,” she whispered, squeezing Lil’s hand.
Lil snatched her fingers away. “I meant it,” she snapped. Her words came out even more irritable and mean because the anger was seeping away and regret was seeping in, and she didn’t want Rhia to see it. She stormed up the stairs to her room, closing her eyes as she leaned against the doorframe. When she opened them, she was surprised to find that the house was still standing around her.
• • •
Lil collapsed into one of the chairs in the hospital waiting room and dropped her head into her hands. She’d run from that room and the girl who wasn’t her sister as fast as she could. She hadn’t waited for an explanation about the mistaken identity. At that moment her disappointment was too great, the sound of her mother’s cries too much to bear. She needed some time on her own to regroup, to settle her thoughts. Just because this girl wasn’t Mella, it didn’t mean Mella wasn’t at the Sisterhood. Seven knew her, had said she’d been there on Friday night. This was a mix-up. They would still find Mella. They would still bring her home. That was the rational train of thought, but Lil’s brain refused to stay rational. She felt hot and dizzy, and each breath was painful, like it was ripping itself from her lungs.
Sweat was gathering at her neck and under her arms. She tugged her sweater off. Everything felt too close in here, like something was pushing in. Lil was afraid that when she looked up, there would be no space left.
She felt despair creeping up inside her. She was exhausted from hoping and wishing and getting excited every time there was a lead. And this time she’d thought they had finally found her. But they hadn’t. Yet another false hope. How could hope feel so hopeless?
Where was Mella? Was she still with the Sisterhood? What was happening to her? Lil remembered the burn on Seven’s arm, the haunted look in her eyes, and she was more scared than she’d ever been in her whole life.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Lil went to bed angry on the night of her birthday, her heart racing like she’d run a marathon. She did not go back downstairs, and her mum drove Rhia home. Lil was ashamed of how she’d behaved, but that just made her angrier. Why did Mella have to be like this? Ruining everything and making Lil act like a jerk. She nursed her anger all night, tossing and turning, as she thought of everything that she wanted to say to her sister. Why are you so selfish? Why can’t you just think about someone else for once? It was my birthday and you are so thoughtless. I bet you didn’t even get me a card. On and on the arguments went, right through Lil’s dreams, so she barely knew if she was awake or asleep. She woke up properly when she heard someone come into her room. Her sister said her name. Lil didn’t move. Her anger was a rock pinning her to the bed.
“Don’t be angry, Mouse. Please,” Mella said. “I know I keep messing up. I just . . .” She drew a deep breath. “I don’t blame you for not wanting to talk to me. But don’t be mad, Lil, please. I love you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
Lil bunched her hands into fists to stop herself from flinging the duvet back and saying it didn’t matter. It did matter. Because Mella kept saying sorry and then she kept doing the exact same thing again. Lil didn’t want her to be sorry; she just wanted her to stop—to stop what? Being Mella?
“You know what? You probably are better without me.” Mella gave a small, humorless laugh. Then Lil felt the weight ease as Mella stood up, followed by a soft click as the bedroom door closed behind her.
Lil fell into a grumpy sleep after that. When she opened her eyes next, it was morning. The sunshine was peeking through her striped curtains and the room was empty. Mella was gone, but Lil could still taste her vanilla perfume in the air. There was an envelope on the floor by her bed. She opened it to find a card with a picture of a baby goat wearing red Wellington boots on the front. Goats were Lil’s favorite animals. Mella always drew her goat-related cards for her birthday. Inside Mella had written:
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a goat. How long have you felt like this? Since I was a kid. Happy birthday!
Love,
Mella x
When Lil went downstairs a little while later, she found her mum at the kitchen table. She was on the phone with Cai. It was clearly his answering machine, because she was saying, “If my daughter’s with you, can you please ask her to text me so that I know she’s alive? Thank you.” There was no concern in her voice then, only irritation. She smiled at Lil and rolled her eyes. “Your sister’s done a runner again. Call Erin, will you? Check if she’s seen her.” She got up to refill her coffee cup.
That moment was frozen in Lil’s memory. It was always bright and full of light, and all the memories that came after were grayer, like the world had turned to black and white. Because that was the last moment their lives had been normal.
Two hours later they would be calling everyone Mella knew, again and again, and the permanent fear on her mother’s face would have begun to settle into the lines around her eyes.
Because Mella wasn’t at Cai’s.
She wasn’t at Erin’s.
She wasn’t at the random girl’s house she’d met at life drawing last week.
She wasn’t on the riverbank drawing the sycamore trees because their branches were just so divine, like women dancing.
She wasn’t at the kayaking club.
She wasn’t replying to the seventy messages that Lil had sent.
She wasn’t in any of the local hospitals.
She wasn’t at Caerwen train station.
She wasn’t anywhere.
She had completely disappeared.
And the never-ending, mind-numbing panic, fear, desperation, misery, guilt, despair, took up residence in the space she’d left, taking the light, the life, out of everything because—
Where was Mella?
Where was she? Where was she? Where was she?
How could someone just completely vanish?
Vanish like she’d never existed in the first place.
And how was Lil supposed to live with that? How was she supposed to begin each day with a hole torn right through ever
ything?
CHAPTER NINETEEN
“Lil?”
Sabrina walked toward her. Lil wanted to run into her arms and stay there until their closeness filled up all the empty spaces inside each of them. But Lil couldn’t move.
“Are you okay?” Sabrina asked.
Lil nodded, then shook her head.
Sabrina crouched in front of her and brushed Lil’s hair back from her face.
“Where’s Mum?” Lil asked.
“She was very upset. She’s having a rest now. One of the nurses is with her.”
“Is she okay?”
“She will be. What about you?”
“I feel sick.”
“Like you might be sick or just . . .”
“Just sick. In here.” Lil pointed at her heart. “It wasn’t her,” Lil said. “I can’t believe it wasn’t . . .” She didn’t bother to finish her sentence. She dropped her head into her hands. Sabrina sat down next to her and drew Lil close, wrapping her arms around Lil so tight it felt like they were the only thing holding her together.
• • •
As Sabrina led Lil to the car park, Lil felt the shock and grief retreating inside her, to form a knot in her throat. Sabrina opened the passenger door of her car and helped Lil inside. She strapped her in like she was a child. Lil didn’t fight it. Memories flew through her head. Nothing really stuck. The argument on her sixteenth birthday, her telling Mella not to come back. Don’t be angry, Mouse. Please.
It was only after Sabrina reappeared, getting into her side of the car, that Lil registered she wasn’t initially next to her. Her mouth felt dry, her throat sore. She needed to cough before the words would come out. “What’s happening?” she asked. “Is Mum coming?”
Sabrina handed Lil a packet of chips. “Thought you might be hungry.” Then she said, “They’re going to keep your mum in for a bit. She’s exhausted. She needs some rest. We’ll go back to Porthpridd. Come back for her later.”
Lil held the chips in her lap. She wasn’t hungry.
Sabrina’s phone rang. “Yes,” she said. “What’s going on? . . . Did you run a trace? . . . Nothing? What about the path reports? . . . I want to know how this happened. Hmm. Yeah. . . . Okay. . . . And what about the girl? . . . Well, just keep an eye on her. I’m on my way back now. . . . Yeah, bye.” She clicked the phone off. “Right, let’s go.”
“I should stay with Mum,” Lil said. “She worries if I’m not around.”
Sabrina gave her a watery smile. “I think you need a break too, Lils. Your mum puts too much on you.” She drew a deep breath. “I should have done more. I didn’t realize how shattered your mum was.”
“She doesn’t sleep.”
“And you?”
Lil shrugged and looked out across the car park. “Sometimes.”
“I should have been there more, Lil. I’m sorry. Not just now but . . . before. I knew your mum was struggling. . . . After my brother left and you came back here, I wanted to do more. I tried to be there, but work was always so busy. I told myself you were okay. But I knew you weren’t. I knew Mella needed help. I just . . .”
Lil squeezed her hand. “You’ve always been there for us.” Lil’s heart felt too big for her chest. “Will Mum be all right on her own?”
“I think Sandi’s going to come up. She’ll be all right.” Sabrina glanced in the rearview mirror. “I look a state.” She puffed up her hair and wiped away the mascara from under her eyes. Then she turned on the engine. As she indicated and took the turn for the road back to Porthpridd, she said: “I’m so sorry we didn’t find your sister today. What a mess. I can’t believe we put you through that.”
Lil looked out at the water glistening on the fields as they drove by. “Who is she? The girl, I mean.”
“Her name, well, the one she eventually gave is Dazzle. I don’t think it’s her real one, but that’s all she’d give us.”
“Why did they think she was Mella?” Lil asked.
“I’m still getting to the bottom of it. Dazzle was in a very bad way when she was brought into hospital. Her burns are incredibly serious, and she has a nasty gash on her head. She was so terrified she wouldn’t talk at all at first. The officer in charge knew we were looking for Mella, so there seems to have been some misinformation. I honestly don’t know what happened. But trust me. I am going to get to the bottom of it. Dazzle is distraught that she caused you such pain.”
“So where is Mella?” Lil asked.
“Well, that’s the one good thing that’s come out of all this. Unlike Seven, Dazzle wasn’t born in the commune, so she was able to give us more details about where it is.”
“Where is it? Near here?”
“It’s up by Caerwen. We’re not sure exactly, but we’re hoping to get more information soon. We also got another lead. A call came in while we were in the hospital. Did Seven tell you how she got to you?”
“Not really. I didn’t ask. I assumed she ran?” Lil said, remembering Seven’s dirty pumps.
“She must have for part of the way, but she got a lift, too. From a woman. Picked her up on the side of the road and drove her toward Porthpridd. She was suspicious, though, and when Seven fell asleep, she called the police. Seven must have woken up. The woman said when she got back to her car, Seven was gone. The police up at Caerwen only put two and two together this afternoon.”
“And this woman knows where the Sisterhood is?”
“What she said helped us to narrow down the search to near Cragen Beach.”
“Cragen?” Lil repeated. They’d gone there every summer as kids. How many times had Lil and Mella stared up at those cliffs without realizing what was there? Lil shivered and glanced up to where the sun was peeking through the trees. There were so many weird coincidences—like this was predestined somehow, as though there really was some kind of divine guidance involved. No, that was just silly.
“And Mella’s there? Is she all right?” she asked.
Sabrina’s eyes were dark as shadows, huge in her pale face. “I don’t know. This high priestess burned Dazzle. . . . She tried to push her into a fire, but some of the other women stopped her. They ran away too, but they got split up somehow. Dazzle doesn’t know if Mella made it out or not. If she didn’t . . .” Sabrina didn’t finish her sentence.
Lil knew what she had been going to say. If she didn’t, then Mella is in grave danger.
Lil thought she might be sick.
Sabrina gripped her hand. “I’m putting the best that the Caerwen police force has on this. We are going to get Mella out of there. I promise.”
CHAPTER TWENTY
Lil followed Sabrina into the village hall. Images from a movie about a cult flicked through her mind, mixing with memories of reports of a headless body found in the river Thames and linked to “religious sacrifice.” She and Sabrina had been quiet for the rest of the journey. Lil hadn’t known what to ask, and she’d been afraid of the answers anyway. As they entered the hall, she said to Sabrina, “How soon can we go up there?”
“We?” Sabrina looked confused. Her eyes were glassy. Lil wondered how much sleep she’d had the night before.
“To the Sisterhood. To get Mella? How soon do we leave?”
“As soon as the warrant is in place. But . . .” She hesitated. “You’re not coming, darling. You can’t think . . .”
Lil knew, of course, that it was ridiculous. That Sabrina would never take her. “I could wait in a car. I have to see her!”
Sabrina hugged her. She didn’t need to say anything. It was still a no. Lil opened her mouth to protest, when she was cut off by some sort of commotion near the entrance to the hall, just past the door to the kitchen. She glanced up to see Cai and Officer Burnley. Cai was up close, in the woman’s face, shouting and waving his arms. “I just want a chance to tell my side. Just a chance; that’s all I’m asking for. Jesus, you coppers.”
Sabrina moved quickly. “What’s going on?” she asked.
Officer Burnley looked relieved. �
�Mr. Jones wanted a word with you, ma’am. I said you were still out, but . . .”
“It’s okay, Angharad. What’s going on, Cai? What do you want? I’m busy right now, so make it quick.”
Lil could hear the strain in Sabrina’s voice. Lil knew she wanted to get on with rescuing Mella, not waste time talking to Cai.
Cai, though, puffed out his chest. “I just want to get my side of the story across.”
“Your side?” Sabrina asked. “What are you talking about?”
Cai cut right across her. “Well, you’ve heard what she’s got to say, so you ought to hear me out before you start jumpin’ to all sorts of conclusions. I know what you cops are like.”
“Sorry, Cai, I don’t—” Sabrina began.
“Mella. You found her, right? Well, I don’t care what she told you about that morning. It didn’t go down the way she tells it, right. It was an accident.”
Lil realized that Cai was talking about the last morning that any of them saw Mella. An accident. What did he mean by “an accident”? Had he done something to Mella?
All these months Lil had believed she was the last person to speak to Mella. It hadn’t mattered how many times people said it wasn’t her fault; how could she have known that what seemed like a regular argument would be the last one anyone ever had with Mella? In the weeks and months after Mella left, more and more kept coming out about how much trouble she was in. She hadn’t been going to college. She’d missed almost a whole term of work. The week before Lil’s birthday, they’d kicked her out.
Sabrina always said it wasn’t just one thing that made someone run away. But that mattered so little to Lil. If she’d shouted less at Mella that night, if she hadn’t ignored her the next morning, then maybe . . . just maybe . . . she wouldn’t have left, and she wouldn’t have ended up with the Sisterhood. . . .
Now it turned out that someone else had spoken to Mella that morning.
The Sisterhood Page 17