by Holly Renee
He didn’t force anything on me. Every moment I had with Beck was one hundred percent willing on my part. Some of those moments I even begged him for.
But he still betrayed me. He broke my trust in the most intimate moment of my life. He took that trust that I had handed him, and he smashed it right in front of my face for the rest of the world to see.
He betrayed me and humiliated me, and I couldn’t imagine how he thought any of that was right.
He had apologized since it happened. He had even said that the video being posted wasn’t him, but I couldn’t trust simple words from him anymore. I may have before.
I had hung on to every single word that he fed me. Even when he admitted to hating me, and I was starving for anything he would give me.
But this was different.
I couldn’t be foolish around him anymore.
I couldn’t let him break me again when he had shown me exactly who he was.
I wouldn’t allow myself to do that again. Even though every part of me craved to be back in his touch. When I kissed him the other night, it had felt like I was releasing a tension inside of myself that I couldn’t bear for even one more minute.
His touch was oppressive and freeing at the exact same time. I felt like I was drowning while taking my first real breath since seeing that damn video.
It didn’t make any sense. None of it did, but I couldn’t help it.
I hated him yet I craved him.
I wanted to push him away while simultaneously searching the hallways just to catch a glimpse.
I knew how big of an idiot that made me.
"No. I can’t." Cami’s words were barely a whisper. "And neither can he."
Chapter Six
Beck
The hot water rained over me as I leaned my elbow against the shower wall. Today had been rough already.
All I could think about was Josie, but she had been avoiding me.
Not that I blamed her, but it was weighing down on me in a way that I felt like was going to make me explode.
All I could think about was her hands on me at that damn party. Her lips.
I had never wanted it to end, and I was almost certain that it would never happen again.
So instead of doing every single thing I wanted to do with her, I was dealing with Lucas's shit instead. It was the last thing I wanted to do. I had to watch his arrogance as he walked around school like he was untouchable.
I knew that fucker sent that video out. We both did. He was the only other person to have it, due to my own idiotic fucking plan, and he was more than capable.
He had ruined my sister, and he didn’t give two shits about ruining his own.
It was obvious in the way he looked at me. He had a cocky smile on his face, so full of himself and pride in what he had done. He didn’t care that he played a hand in helping me hurt his sister. All that mattered to him was that he had also hurt me.
Because even though I had been an idiot, it was evident that others had seen what Josie meant to me even when I didn’t. Lucas knew that I was somehow going to destroy myself while trying to destroy him, and he played his hand so well.
I was the idiot who fell for his sister while trying to use her as a pawn, and he saw it for exactly what it was.
Lucas and I hated each other, but we had known each other like brothers at one point in our lives. At least, I thought we did.
If I hadn’t seen that video for myself, I would have never believed it.
He was one of my best friends, and I had trusted him.
I had trusted him, and he took advantage of that fact.
Lucas had a lot of pressure on him. Joseph Vos had treated him like a damn apprentice rather than a son, and I knew that it got to him. He had a real father who had never given a shit about him, and a new one that demanded excellence in everything he did.
But he never complained. Lucas was just as privileged as I was. The only difference between us was that my father saw me for more than what I could do for him, and I was pretty sure that Mr. Vos never had.
And the way he treated Lucas changed him. It hardened him and drove him to want to be better in anything he did. At first, I thought that drive was simple competitiveness, but it wasn’t. That ambition had become cutthroat, and he was becoming exactly who Mr. Vos wanted him to be.
I should’ve known from the beginning that he wasn’t going to care about Josie.
But there was a spark in his eyes when he first saw us together that fueled something inside of me. Even though I knew he was an asshole who cared about nobody, it was the glimpse of territorial protectiveness that made me think otherwise.
Even if Lucas didn’t care for her as he should have, there wasn’t a single part of him that wanted me to have her, and I thought that would be enough.
He may not have cared for my sister. He may have used her and abused her and ruined that fragile thing inside of her that made her smile become different after he was through, but I knew how much he feared Joseph Vos. I saw it in his eyes when Mr. Vos found out about the video of Frankie. Even if he defended Lucas and demanded that wasn’t him in that video, he knew it was. He knew it with the certainty that I felt in my bones.
And if I were Lucas, I would have feared that flash of fury too.
I was one of the only ones left in the locker room. The baseball team had a weight training class just before lunch, and I had decided to let the heat of the shower tamp down my temper rather than heading out to the lunchroom with the rest of them.
The hard use of my muscles during our workout had taken the slightest bit of edge off, but every time I looked up and saw Lucas, it would return even stronger. It was a mad chase that I never seemed to win.
I leaned back, letting the water rain down over my face. Every time I had seen Lucas, it just reminded me of what I had done to Josie. It reminded me that I couldn’t have her.
That I had once had her fully in my grasp, and I had forced her to slip through my fingers. I had forced her to hate me.
The water rolled down my body, and it did nothing to soothe the ache inside of me. Nothing seemed to. Not my hand in the quiet of my bedroom as I imagined what it had been like with her there.
Nothing took the edge off like I needed it to.
"Where’s Lucas?" A female voice carried through the locker room and into the shower, and I quickly turned off the water and grabbed a towel. I was still dripping wet, but I didn’t care.
I wrapped the towel around my waist and pushed the dripping strands of my hair out of my face. As soon as I rounded the corner into the locker room, I saw her. Josie was standing there talking to Benny, our right fielder, and every bit of her body was stiff.
"What are you doing in here?" My voice boomed through the almost empty locker room, and I tried to rein myself in. Seeing her in here while I still felt so out of control did nothing to help me.
It made me feel chaotic and turbulent. Every emotion swirling through me with no restraint.
Her gaze slammed into me, and I could see the same storm of emotions swirling in her eyes. She stalked toward me, and I held my ground. I planted my feet and waited for whatever she was going to do.
I would allow her whatever she needed. I would stand and take it from her. I would take all of that swirling anger and hurt from her if I could.
"Where’s Lucas?" she repeated the question that had distracted me from my shower.
"I have no idea." I held on to the small bit of towel that knotted at my stomach and shrugged. "I was in the showers."
Her gaze roamed down my body slowly and heat tinted her cheeks as her eyes stopped exactly where my hand held the only fabric that was between us. It was as if she had just noticed that I was standing almost completely bare in front of her. Whatever reason she came in here for had her distracted.
But at that moment, her eyes burned with a completely different kind of storm, and she seemed to forget everything and everyone except for me. She swallowed, deep and loudly, and I cou
ld feel every bit of my body going rigid.
She could see it too. She bit down on her bottom lip as her eyes trailed back up my body, and I could barely remember what she had asked me by the time her gaze hit mine again.
Josie may have hated me, but she wanted me.
About that, I was absolutely certain, and I wanted her just as badly. Even if I thought it was a horrible idea.
I needed to prove myself to her. I needed to earn her forgiveness before I let anything else happen between us, but I couldn’t seem to remember that when she was looking at me the way she was.
I couldn’t think of anything except the way her cheeks reddened and her chest heaved with heavy breaths. Each one drowning me in a trance that consisted of her and her alone.
"Why are you looking for him?" I somehow managed to push out the words, and they seemed to snap her out of the same stupor I was in.
"Because." She shook her head and looked back toward the door. There were still a couple of guys milling about, but neither of them looked our way. I was sure they were listening to every word we said, but none of them were stupid enough to cross me. Not after they saw what happened to Lucas.
Josie balled her hands into fists, and when she looked back at me, I saw that same anger brewing there. "I need to talk to him. I need to fucking—"
She shook her head as if she had no idea what she needed.
I reached out and wrapped my hand around her elbow. She didn’t stop me as I tugged her further into the locker room. We made it around the corner to where my own locker was, but I didn’t drop my hand once we stopped.
"Did something happen?" I searched her face, and I was sure that it had.
"I talked to Cami." She jerked her arm out of my touch and crossed her arms.
My blood ran cold at her words. "You shouldn’t be listening to anything Cami has to say."
"Why not? You do." She lifted her chin and stared up at me, but she was wrong. I didn’t. I barely even talked to Cami lately.
"Cami doesn’t have your best interest at heart."
She laughed, loud and abrasive, and I knew that I had just said the wrong thing. "And you do?" She shook her head, then took a step toward me. Her body only a few inches away from mine. "I shouldn’t be talking to you at all."
"But you are." My hand tightened around my towel, and I tried like hell to get a tight grip on my temper. It was no use.
I had no control over anything when I was near her. It was unnerving and frustrating, but God, she made me feel so much more than anyone ever had before. She made me feel so fucking alive that I could almost forget everything that didn’t start and end with her.
Almost.
But as soon as she walked away from me, reality set back in, and reality was nothing but a cold, hard bitch.
"I didn’t even know you’d be in here." She took a step back and the warning bell rang out through the school, notifying all the students that it was time to get to class. But I had no interest in getting to class. I had no interest in leaving her.
"What did Cami tell you?"
"Everything." She searched my face, but I didn’t fear anything that Cami had to tell her. I had already told her the truth myself even if she hadn’t wanted to hear it. What I feared from Cami were the lies I knew she spewed.
I couldn’t imagine her doing anything like that to hurt me, not after the things the two of us had been through together, but my gut still tightened thinking about it.
"She told me what happened between Lucas and Frankie." I took a deep breath and tried to calm my racing heart. "She told me about the party and why you feel so guilty. She told me about what you did afterward. Is it true?"
Her voice held so much vulnerability that I knew Cami probably didn’t leave out a single detail. I had no idea why the two of them had even been talking. Why Cami thought this was her place, but I was glad that Josie finally knew the truth.
I was glad that she heard it from someone who wasn’t me.
Because I could see the doubt in her eyes when I had told her the truth. I had just taken her virginity, then hurt her in a way that was inexcusable, but I had still expected her to believe what I told her.
I knew how fucking stupid that was.
"Is what true?"
"What Lucas did. While Frankie was so drunk." She shifted on her feet, and I knew that this made her uncomfortable.
"It is. I still have the video." Her father thought that he had managed to get rid of them all, but he was an idiot. I had that video saved to my computer where I knew I would one day need it again.
Joseph Vos wasn’t going to ruin the only evidence that could hold his son accountable for what he had done.
Josie leaned back, just enough that I had a full view of her features. Her mouth was set in a straight line, but her eyes held so much sadness and anger that I could barely stand to look in them.
"And what you did to Lucas after? Is that true too?" She searched my face, but I didn’t know what answer she was looking for. I had no idea if she wanted it to be true or if she was praying that I would tell her it was a lie.
I couldn’t imagine that she wanted to protect Lucas after what she knew about him, but I had no idea where her head was at.
I had no idea what she was thinking about any of it.
"It is." There was no use in denying it. She could find out the truth even if I lied, but I didn’t want to. I wasn’t ashamed of what I did to Lucas. I wasn’t ashamed that I had been arrested after, either.
I didn’t give a damn about any of that.
The only regret I had was that I couldn’t protect Frankie.
Not when it came to what Lucas did to her, and not afterward.
The ruthless actions that I did out of anger only helped the bastard. He had his face smashed in, but in doing so, I let him walk away from what he had done without a scratch.
He had walked away without any real consequences.
I would have stayed in that jail cell if it had meant that he would be right there with me. It wasn’t that I wasn’t scared. I was terrified when the cops put those handcuffs on my wrists and threw me into the back seat of their cruiser.
I hadn’t let the truth of what I had done hit me until that moment, and even then, I hadn’t realized the true consequences of my actions. I hadn’t known that my father would have to choose between protecting me and protecting Frankie. If it was up to me, he should have let me rot in there with Lucas by my side.
But he didn’t.
And I knew that Frankie had everything to do with it.
I had failed to protect her, but she wouldn’t fail when it came to me. She had begged my dad to take the deal with Mr. Vos even when I had begged him not to.
It hadn’t mattered what I said.
It didn’t matter that I had made the decision to put my hands on Lucas even when I knew I would have to pay the price. He was our father, and he was trying to protect us both in the best way he could.
I had hated him for that decision. I had hated that he chose me over Frankie when she needed him the most. She needed us both.
I had failed her, and my dad had chosen to protect me.
I still remember my mother’s face when I came home. She was so relieved. She was happy to have me back where she could touch me. She ran her hands over my face, my arms, every part of me, and I don’t think she left Frankie or me out of her sight for at least a solid month.
And I knew that it wasn’t because she didn’t trust me. She was scared of what had happened to her babies.
But I had made a choice for the consequences I had. Frankie hadn’t. And Frankie was what hurt my mom the most. Looking into her eyes that were so void of life. It practically killed me.
I couldn’t imagine how either of our parents felt.
Josie shook her head and took a step back from me, and the look of disgust on her face fucked with my head. How could she be disgusted with me for what I had done after she knew what her stepbrother was capable of?
; "That’s the part that bothers you?" I jerked my locker open and let the door slam into the locker next to it with a loud crash. "After everything that you found out, you’re disgusted by what I did?"
I laughed, but the sound was filled with venom even to my own ears.
"What?" she questioned, but I didn’t dare turn back toward her. I could feel my anger taking hold of me, so deep-rooted that it started at my toes and crawled up my body like a living vine.
I couldn’t untangle myself from that anger. That hate.
I couldn’t do anything to kill it even though I had tried.
I jerked my clothes from my locker and threw them down on the bench behind me, the bench Josie was still standing by without saying a word.
"I’m not—"
I spun back toward her, and her words caught in her throat when she looked at me. I knew that she could probably see every bit of the anger I couldn’t hide any longer.
If the truth was what she wanted, here it was staring her in the face. This was the real truth. The truth that neither of us could hide from. Her brother was a piece of shit, and I had been no better than him.
I had chosen the thing I hated most about him, and I had done the same to her. I had taken her feelings and used them against her. I used and used and used, and I couldn’t take a second of it back.
She wasn’t Frankie, and I knew that it was different.
But it was also the same.
"You should leave." I nodded my head toward the door before staring down at her. I needed to get away from her before I did something stupid.
I knew that I wasn’t capable of being the guy she needed or the guy she wanted. I wasn’t capable of anything good when she stood in front of me with that look on her face and this much anger in my veins.
But no part of me actually wanted her to leave. I wanted to bury my hands in her hair and slam her against this locker and never let her go. I needed her. My need was much more vast than a simple want, and I knew that she needed to leave.