by Harper Bliss
“I have been sure for a long time. It was over months before I left. We’ve talked about this.” Lou couldn’t keep a touch of irritation out of her voice.
“I know, darling. Just double-checking.”
“Do you honestly believe she wants to change? If she’s so desperate to make you believe she does, why isn’t she here? It’s not that long a flight from Brisbane. Why doesn’t she take the time to come here and put her money where her mouth is?”
“Probably because she knows that it truly is too late. Because she knows you,” Lou’s father said. “But something inside her wants to keep trying.”
“It’s guilt. Pure and simple guilt. She screwed up and that’s hard to live with. My guess is she doesn’t really want to make any effort to get back together with me. She just wants me to absolve her. Take away her guilt. Tell her it wasn’t all her fault.”
“She wants forgiveness. That’s only human,” her mother said.
“Maybe one day I will forgive her. Who knows?” Lou took a deep breath. She spent a lot of time thinking about forgiveness, because she knew it was the only true path to happiness. To let all the things that weighed heavy on her soul go. But Angie’s weight on her soul was still too crushing. And she’d need a few more dates with non-workaholics to lighten it.
Chapter Twelve
“Can I ask you something?” Micky said. “Even though I might be speaking out of turn.” She had invited Mia to her home instead of Glow to have another go at the advertising for the yoga studio.
“Of course you can.” Here we go, Mia thought.
“It’s just that Amber asked me to either not ask for your help with these ads, or if I did, to not have you over at Glow. She seems to have a grudge against you all of a sudden and Amber is not the kind of person who holds grudges. And for the life of me, I can’t figure out why. I can come up with some theories, which I have done and confronted her with, but she’s so secretive about all of it. Determined as well. I just can’t wrap my head around it. And it makes for a bit of an unpleasant atmosphere.”
Mia sighed. She had expected this question to arise from someone affiliated with the Pink Bean at some point. For an unknowing bystander it must come across as strange for Lou to be giving her the cold shoulder, and especially for Amber to join in. She wondered if Amber had told her girlfriend Martha. She seemed like the overly principled kind who wouldn’t—which was good news for Mia. And she obviously hadn’t confided in Micky. But how to explain this to her without Micky going off her as well?
“It’s about Lou. We went to school together and we have a, er, rather unpleasant history.”
“I figured as much. When were you in school together?”
“Fifteen years ago.”
Micky quirked up her eyebrows. “First teenage love gone wrong?” she asked.
Mia shook her head. “If only.”
“You don’t have to give me the details, Mia,” Micky said. “At least now I know something.”
“I was horrible to Lou. Truly, truly horrible.” Mia ignored Micky’s words, because she wanted to give her more information. Saying it out loud might take away some of the power of the emotions that had been warring inside of her ever since that confrontation with Lou. The emotions that made her reconnect, on a nightly basis, with the bully she once was. It was hard to get a good night’s sleep when she could still see young Louise Hamilton’s face in front of her, contorted with tears and agony and frustration. All of which she had been the cause of.
“But it was fifteen years ago. What could you possibly have done to her for it to still have such an effect on her now? And moreover, for Amber to be dragged into it? I know Amber through and through and that’s just not her style. I understand her allegiance would lie with Lou, because she has really taken to her, but this kind of silent animosity is the opposite of what Amber would do in any other situation.”
A knot formed in the pit of Mia’s stomach. Could she confide in Micky? If she told the story in her words, on her terms, would she understand?
“I bullied Lou,” she said with a trembling voice. “All throughout our last year at Queen Mary. Almost every day, me and my gang would call her names because she didn’t look like us, even though that was not the real reason, of course. We did it because we were scared and insecure teenagers and all I ever heard at home was what a shame it was that not all Aboriginals had been exterminated yet. Words uttered by my father who felt so uncomfortable in his own skin, he had to take it out on others. I’m not making excuses. Because for an entire year, every morning, I made the conscious decision to pick on a girl whose skin was darker than mine, just because my father did the same. I should have been wiser. But I ignored the bad feeling it gave me in my gut and continued, hoping for something to happen, although I never figured out what. It was cruel and childish and it ruined another person’s life. And I am so ashamed of that person I was back then. But I’m not her anymore.”
“I know you’re not.” Micky’s voice had grown small. “You grew up in a house full of hate.”
“Still, I was not stupid. I had a mind of my own that worked perfectly well. Even though I failed my last year and had to do it again, which didn’t help with my anger issues.”
“Have you told this to Lou? Or at least to Amber?”
“No, of course not. I don’t want to make excuses for my behavior.” Mia’s voice broke. “You should have seen Lou when she sat me down and confronted me. Should have heard the things she said when she talked about the effect my bullying had on her.” A tear made its way down Mia’s cheek. She wiped it away.
“I can understand it might have been a shock to see you, and that you and Lou will never be best friends, but it happened fifteen years ago. How old were you? Seventeen? Chris is approaching that age and although he’s very mature for a sixteen-year-old, a lot of the time, he’s still just a child. And the mind of a child is so influenceable. I don’t mean to absolve you of all the blame. What you did was wrong. I just don’t think you should still be punished for it now. Kids get bullied. Life is hard. So many things that shouldn’t happen, do happen, leave scars, hurt people. That’s the very essence of life, just like making mistakes is, and learning from them.”
“I’m not sure I deserve your kindness.” Micky’s words stunned Mia.
“It’s not kindness, Mia. It’s common sense. A mother’s common sense.” She expelled a sigh. “Do I have your permission to talk to Amber about this? You are helping us. You are helping our business, yet she won’t have a simple conversation with you. That’s not right.” She straightened her back. “If people can’t be forgiven for the mistakes they made in the past, if we keep on treating them like the people who made that mistake years later, and fail to give them a second chance, how can we ever expect them to truly change?” Micky shook her head. “Look at you, Mia. You may not feel like one right now, but you’re a beautiful person. You are kind and helpful and full of good will. I may not have known you for that long, but I know that much.”
“Thank you,” Mia uttered.
“Have you talked about these things with anyone after they happened?” A concerned tone took over Micky’s voice.
Mia shook her head in quick bursts. “I couldn’t talk about it. I was too ashamed.”
“That’s the sort of shame that will eat you alive if you don’t address it.” She tilted her head. “So, what do you say? Can I tell Amber about this conversation?”
This impromptu talk with Micky was making Mia realize she’d been holding on to a lot of tension ever since that evening at Glow. She tensed up every time Lou or Amber turned up at the Pink Bean. She had her guard up when she simply walked from the bus stop to the coffee shop, fearing she might run into them and get an earful. Emotions Lou must have been so familiar with back when they were in school together.
Mia didn’t feel comfortable with Micky doing her bidding for her, but Amber wouldn’t talk to her—at least she didn’t give the impression that she would stoop so low an
ytime soon—and if Mia was going to function in this community, and in life in general, perhaps something did need to be done. And Micky was a great ally to have.
“Okay. Only Amber, though. Don’t tell Lou about this. If we do ever talk again, I want to be the one to open up to her. I owe her that much.”
“I won’t tell Lou. Chances are she wouldn’t want to hear it, anyway. But Amber is my best friend. She needs to know this. Truth be told, I’m surprised she hasn’t asked you about this.”
“Thank you.” Mia was feeling a little overwhelmed. “I should go now. Leave you to it.”
“Leave me to what? My children are with their father and Robin’s out with Meredith.” She pursed her lips together. “Meredith went on a date with Lou and it didn’t end very well. From what I gathered she’s trying to recruit Robin to put a good word in with Lou. Give her a second chance.” Micky rose. “How about more wine?”
Mia’s brain worked furiously as she nodded. It was only Tuesday. Surely Lou hadn’t been on any other dates since Sunday. So she had guessed right. The only thing she couldn’t figure out was how Meredith had screwed up the date. They’d looked quite chummy in the cinema.
“I would love more wine.” Mia wasn’t looking forward to the bus ride back to Newtown. Especially as she had to take the same bus in the other direction at six o’clock tomorrow morning. She’d best go easy on the wine.
“You’re welcome to stay in Liv’s room,” Micky said, as though reading her mind. “I know what those early mornings are like.”
“Oh, please, Mia,” Jo said. “I commuted from Newtown to Darlinghurst every single weekday morning for two years.”
“Yes, well, you had a car to take you around, which I don’t.”
“A car that saved me a lot of dough because of not having to pay for the ridiculously expensive and ineffective Sydney public transport system.” Jo was in a feisty mood this morning. “What did you do for knickers, anyway? Did you wash them out in the sink?”
Mia flashed Jo a wide smile. “Even better. I’m not wearing any.”
“I’m pretty sure you’re breaking some hygiene law just by standing here. I should report you to Kristin.”
“Like it has never happened to you.” Mia scrutinized Jo’s face. “What with your lover having her fancy digs so nearby.”
“I have a drawer now. Well, much more than a drawer. A corner of the dressing room. I don’t have nearly enough clothes to fill up my part.”
“How long have you two been together now?”
“About eight months,” Jo said.
“I’m surprised you haven’t moved in yet.”
“Frankly, I’m a little surprised myself. Caitlin has asked me, and I practically live there. I stay with her about ninety percent of the time, but it’s hard to leave Camperdown. I’ve lived there ever since I moved to Sydney and as rickety as my flat is, it’s a good spot to have while I’m doing my PhD.” She sighed. “Or maybe I’m just not ready to move in with Caitlin. I’ve never been one to make an impulsive decision.”
“Do you know that bookshop on King Street. Annie’s?” Mia asked.
Jo nodded. “Of course. It’s a Newtown institution. I actually bought my now-signed copies of Caitlin’s books there years ago.”
“I was there this weekend and Annie was telling me how she has had yet another offer from Pages. One she is inclined to take. Not whole-heartedly, but because she’s not sure there’s a lot of use in fighting any longer.”
“Oh come on. Not Annie’s. Will there be no independent bookshops left in this city?”
The front door opened and Micky, Amber, and Lou walked in. Mia’s muscles tensed immediately. She wondered if Micky had had a chance to talk to Amber yet.
“How are you feeling this morning, Mia?” Micky asked. “Personally, I’m not feeling all too well.” She brought her hands to her head. “Your colleague drank me under the table last night,” she said to Jo.
“I know all about it.” Jo shot Mia a quick wink. “Too much information included.”
“I feel fine,” Mia said from behind the coffee machine, where she had taken the habit of hiding as best she could as soon as Amber and Lou walked in.
“At least that makes one of us,” Micky said and paid for the drinks. “We’ll be at our usual table.”
After Jo had brought the three of them their beverages—a pattern they had wordlessly fallen into because Jo had excellent intuition when it came to detecting tension, and Mia had made her understand, without trying to give anything away, that she was not comfortable serving Amber and Lou—she brought the subject of conversation back to Annie’s bookshop.
“I’m just as guilty as the next person,” Josephine said. “I haven’t been in there for a good number of months. Not that I ever have a lot of spare cash to spend on books I don’t need for work.”
“I don’t think we should be naive about it. People buy their books, be it digital or print, mostly on Amazon these days. And if not on Amazon, then at a big chain like Pages. That’s the reality of an industry in flux. Annie’s shop is based on a business model that can’t be saved, not the way it has been operating for the past eighteen years. But she said that Pages want to turn it into an independent-looking branch of their shop, which means that they do see value in the image of the indie shop.” Mia sighed. “I feel there’s an idea in there somewhere, but it hasn’t fully formed in my head yet.” She glanced at Josephine. “You’re a smart cookie. If we put our heads together, maybe we can come up with something.”
“I’m doing a PhD in Gender Studies. I don’t have that much of a mind for business.”
“Er, excuse me.”
Mia and Jo looked up. Mia had recognized the voice, of course, but she could hardly believe Lou was standing in front of the counter. She left the ordering up to Amber and Micky whenever she could.
“Are you talking about Annie’s bookshop in Newtown? I’m sorry, I couldn’t help but overhear.”
“We are,” Jo confirmed. “We are mortified that it might disappear.”
“So am I. I’ve known Annie all my life. She’s a friend of my mother’s. We were talking about the bookshop at home over the weekend and someone suggested that Annie set up a crowd-funding campaign.”
“Crowd-funding?” Jo said.
Mia was still too flabbergasted at being involved in a conversation with Lou to respond quickly.
“I honestly don’t know the first thing about it, although Jimmy suggested we do a Kickstarter campaign to collect funds to record a proper album,” Jo said. “What do you and your MBA think, Mia?”
“I think crowd-funding would work very well in your case, Jo, but for saving a bookshop, I’m not sure. It would be throwing money at something that could never become viable again on its own merits. You’d have to do campaign after campaign and that’s no model to base a business on.”
“Hm, maybe you’re right,” Lou said.
“Here’s an idea,” Jo offered. “All three of us want to do something. We should get Kristin involved because she has a nose for business. Have a meeting and brainstorm ideas.”
“The Save Annie’s Bookshop Committee,” Mia said.
“She will surely want to help. Sheryl and I used to go there together sometimes. Let’s put some lesbian muscle behind this,” Jo said with rising excitement in her voice. “Are you in?” she asked Lou.
Lou gave an adamant yes.
“So am I,” Mia said. “I’ll talk to Kristin today.” That inkling of an idea she knew she was on the cusp of having had inched its way forward in her brain a little more. Even though, at that very moment, she couldn’t pay as much attention to it as she wanted, because she had to process the fact that she and Lou would be sitting at a table and discussing this together.
Chapter Thirteen
Lou had just taught her last class of the day, which Kristin, Sheryl, Caitlin, Jo, and Micky had all attended.
“Since the Pink Bean is not open late yet, we’d best go back to mine
,” Caitlin said. “I have a fridge full of wine and a lovely balcony overlooking the city to drink it on. What do you say, girls?” Caitlin said.
Lou was tired and had planned an early night, but she’d heard so many tales of Caitlin’s fancy penthouse that her curiosity won out over her fatigue. Besides, she really liked Caitlin. She had a big personality and a mouth to match it. And she obviously made Jo very happy.
“Sure, but just the one,” Kristin said. “It’s a school night, after all.”
“And your better half has the early shift tomorrow,” Jo said to Caitlin.
“My better half is also twenty years younger than me, so she can take it,” Caitlin quipped. “How about you, Lou? Are you coming?”
“I would love to.”
Wet-haired from their showers, they all headed to Caitlin’s place. Micky fell into step next to Lou.
“I’ll text Robin that we’ll all be at Caitlin’s so she can come over if she has any energy left after CrossFit.” She looked at Lou. “And I’ll tell her not to bring Meredith.”
Micky had asked Lou all about her date with Meredith, and Lou had told her exactly how it had gone. After which Micky had told Lou she knew Meredith and her wouldn’t be a good fit. She should have spoken up when they were all huddled over Lou’s phone, getting overly excited by Tinder and its prospects, but she’d let herself get caught in the heat of the moment.
“Much appreciated,” Lou said, able to have a chuckle about it now.
“Have you got anymore internet dates lined up?” Micky asked.