“My mother’s fucks.” I take in a jagged breath as I avoid eye contact and prepare myself to dance with the demons of my past. “After a few times, I learned how to stop them. I would tell them that I didn’t feel good or that it was my time of the month. I handled it. I tried to tell my mom a few times, but she didn’t believe me. She said I was making up stories or that I had dreamed it. She even threatened to send me away once, swearing that I was trying to keep her from being happy. So, I stopped telling her. I wasn’t leaving Enzo behind. I figured out very quickly that the only person that was there for me was myself. Then you happened.” Noah’s features begin to soften, and he wraps me in his arms, burying his face in my hair.
“Baby, I’m so sorry.” The sound of his voice is calming and the feeling of his hand stroking my hair, ever so gently, makes me relax in his embrace. I can feel his tenderness start to chip away at my guard, and I instinctively push off him. I feel my face twist in anger and begin waving my hand at him.
“Don’t. Don’t do that. Don’t make me feel...feel...safe. Loved. You're leaving and don’t get me wrong, because this is all on me, but I honestly don’t even know what I was thinking. I knew that you weren’t staying and should have never gone to Chicago with you. I was doing just fine before I welcomed you into my life. Before I welcomed you into Lorenzo’s life.”
With clenched fists, I do everything within my power to stifle the scream that is clawing its way up my throat. I want to lunge at him, to make him physically feel all of the emotional pain that is storming within me. I know deep down that I am to blame for how I am feeling, but that doesn’t make any of this any easier. And either does the way that he looks back at me with sad and worried eyes.
“Noah, why did you even involve yourself with me?”
“I have told you. I wasn’t expecting this...us… to happen. That is not why I came here. I came here to work, to make money and move on to my next job. But just like I happened to you, you happened to me. Sofia, I can’t leave you here. I want you and Enzo to come with me. I can’t bear to think of you living in that trailer with her and that... that... monster.” He takes a few steps towards me and I back away.
“Take us with you? Have you lost your mind? And what the hell are you talking about? What the fuck is your problem with Crew? You act like you want the man dead, but you still keep signing his paychecks?” He reaches out for my hand, but I pull it away. “You expect me to open up to you, but you give me nothing in return. Crew, your family, your past and Cami? Who the hell is she and what happened between you two?” I stand there with my hands on my hips as I wait for him to start talking. He grabs at the back of his neck and lets out a growl of frustration. “Noah, I need answers from you and I need them now! Or we are done!”
“Damnit, I can’t... I... shit. You would turn around and never look back if you know the truth. I refuse to involve you in my past. You will never look at me the same and I will not allow what I did to taint what we have now. I have done more things wrong in my life, Sofia, but I promise you that the one single goddamn thing that I have done right, is you.” I exhale the breath that I have been holding as I wait for him to lay it all out on the table. My chin falls to my chest and I rub my hands up and down my arms. I have called his bluff, and now I have no other choice but to end this right here, right now.
“When we were in Chicago, parked in your truck, outside of the hotel, do you remember what you said to me?”
“I said a lot of things to you, Sofia. What exactly are you talking about?”
“You said that if what we discussed that night was too much for me, that I could just say one word and you would take me home. Noah, this is just too much. Home.”
I close my eyes and pray that when I open them, he will be nothing more than a figment of my imagination. But he is still there and so are the unbearable emotions of knowing that I have to let him go.
I cannot get dragged into this man's drama. Drama that could jeopardize my plan to get custody of Enzo and give him the life that he deserves.
In grave silence, we start to pack everything up. No words are exchanged, only stolen glances of what was never meant to be.
The ride home is awkward, to say the least. I try my damndest to stop the events from replaying over and over in my head, but I am fighting a losing battle. I want to melt into the seat, disappear, jump out of the truck, anything to get as far away from Noah as I can. I opened up to him about something I haven't even dealt with myself. What I have grown up with is the norm to me. I know what happened was wrong on so many levels and that it was not my fault, but the way that I choose to deal with it works for me. I left it in the past. Unspoken and forgotten. Now that it is spoken into the universe, I want nothing more than to take it all back.
“I don’t want to do this, Sofia.” He reaches over and takes my hand in his. “I don’t want to take you home.” I slide my hand out of his hold and let out a sigh.
“This is never going to work. You, me, us. You can’t stay here, and I can’t come with you. You can’t even be honest with me about your past. No. We have to end this now, sooner rather than later.” I begin anxiously picking at a hangnail as I try to ignore the hurricane of emotions that are whipping around inside of me.
“Sofia, you don’t have to stay here any longer. We can be together and get as far away from all of this—”
“Noah just stop. Please. How in the hell do you expect me to, first of all, uproot my little brother, whom I don’t even have custody of? Am I supposed to take him out of school and travel the states while living out of a suitcase? Second of all, I did not go through all of the hell that I have gone through, to... to... end up some man's tag along. Dependent on you? I want more for myself. I will not end up like my mother. Ever.” I stare out the window, watching the familiar scenery start to piece together like a puzzle in front of me. I am just a few minutes from home. A few minutes away from the harsh reality of my life.
“So, you're just walking away from this? Us? All because I can’t tell you some stuff about myself, that quite frankly, is best left in the past.” I can feel him staring at me, but refuse to meet his gaze. I can’t let myself look into those steely blue eyes. I will risk having him take his hold on me, if I do.
“They're simple questions, really. I guess I just don’t understand why you won’t answer them. Especially if it has to do with my safety.” I tilt my head and narrow my eyes at him. Holding strong as to not let him work his magic on the guard that I have started rebuilding. “What is your deal with Crew?” I wait for him to talk, to pour his heart and soul out to me as we drive down the country road.
Silence.
Nothing.
I envisioned this going very differently in my head. I was clinging to the thread of hope that tenderly stitched my heart together. In the suffocating silence, I swear that I can hear that thread snap.
I shake my head and grab the phone that he gave me, launching it into the center console. He instantly grabs it up and begins shaking his head at me.
“No, this is yours. I need you to keep it, Sofia. Take it.” He holds it out to me, and I slap his hand away.
“I can’t keep this. Or the Jeep. You are taking them both back. This was all so fucking stupid.” I feel hot tears start to form as he whips into my drive. I snatch my bag up so that I can get the hell out of his truck and out of his life.
“You are keeping both.” His gravelly voice makes a warm tingling feeling start to stir between my legs.
Damnit, Sofia. Get. Out. Now.
His face softens as he places his hand tenderly on my knee. Ever so softly, he begins rubbing my leg with his thumb. “They were an early graduation gift. Please, I want you to keep them.”
“Fine.” I take the phone out of his hand and toss it into my bag. “But only until I can save up enough money to buy my own phone and car.” I stare deep into his eyes, one last time. I don't want to look away. This man that makes me feel things both emotionally and sexually that I have n
ever felt before. I don't want to say goodbye. To end what I truly feel is just the beginning. But none of this is ever going to work. I was crazy to ever think that it would.
“Goodbye, Noah. I'm sure that I will see you before you leave. Just please, do me a favor and act like I don’t exist. So that I can forget—”
I close my eyes, trying to regain my composure. That word. Forget. I never liked that word. It is always followed by something that you don’t want to remember. And sometimes, something that you do. An event in your past that torments you, the laughter of a loved one that is no longer there, or a kiss shared with a love lost. Forget is a triggering word for me because it always leads to memories that hurt. They just hurt differently.
“Anyways. Thank you. For everything.” I jump down out of his truck and give him one last fleeting glance before heading for my trailer. I make my way up the front steps and through my front door, slamming it shut behind me. With my back pressed against it, I look up at the nicotine-stained ceiling. I can still hear his truck in my driveway and silently plead with him to leave.
Just pull out and get on with it.
I never want to hear that truck again. Finally, I hear it ease slowly on down the road, and out of my life.
Ting
I grab my phone out of my bag and groan in frustration, almost certain that it is Noah who is texting me. Before I check, I notice Lorenzo playing on the floor with his Matchbox Cars.
“Sissy, what da matter?” He looks up at me with his long eyelashes and big blue eyes. His hair is dirty and matted.
I have to give him a bath today.
I decide to ignore my phone and head to the fridge to grab a Coke.
“I’m fine, buddy. Just grown-up stuff.” He shrugs his shoulders and turns his attention back to a red and yellow race car that is now screeching to a stop, right before crashing into an orange pickup truck. I smile at his innocence as I crack the can open. I look around the trailer and shake my head at the mess that has taken place while I’ve been gone. One night and my mother and her fuck have managed to destroy the kitchen and living room. Empty beer cans and liquor bottles line the counter. Sticky circles from sugary shots cover the kitchen table. Ash trays overflow and garbage is scattered everywhere. The smell of alcohol and stale cigarette smoke makes my stomach turn. I reach over a sink full of dirty dishes and open the window to let some fresh air in. I look down at bowls crusted with hardened ramen noodles and close my eyes in disgust.
Why? This is such bullshit. I just cleaned this place before I left.
No use dwelling on it. By the time I stand around and get pissed off about it, I can clean it all up and be done. I start pulling all of the dishes out of the sink and set them on the counter. Gnats start swarming out of the drain and I frantically begin shooing them away. I jump as soon as I notice two roaches scampering out of the sink and up the wall before disappearing behind the cabinet. I growl in disgust, grab the water sprayer and start spraying down the sink angrily.
This is fucking disgusting. No one should live like this. What in the actual fuck?
I angrily shove the sprayer back into place and grab onto the countertop, dropping my head in defeat. I am at my breaking point. I wipe my hands on my shorts and grab my bag off the kitchen table as I make my way down the hall. I need some time to myself before diving back into reality.
“Enzo, I’m going to jump in the shower real quick.” I holler at him before shutting the bathroom door behind me. I start to run the water, making it scalding hot like I prefer. I slip out of my clothes and climb in, whipping the moldy and ripped shower curtain shut. I feel the tension and stress start to melt away as soon as the hot water begins to trickle over my naked body. With my back to the shower head, I tip my head and slowly let the water soak my hair. I cover my face with my hands, feeling droplets trickle down my face.
Memories from the past few weeks begin exploding in my mind. When he insisted on driving me home in the rain. Chicago. The way that he so tenderly made love to me for the first time. Enzo up on his shoulders with his arms spread out like a plane. Last night under the stars in the back of his truck.
I lose it. Completely lose it. I can’t hold it together anymore and begin screaming out in a voice that is foreign to me.
“WHY. WHY DID I LET YOU INTO MY WORLD?”
I lean up against the side of the shower and slowly slide down, falling to the floor in a crumpled mess. I bury my face in my knees,
letting my hair fall around them. The water comes down in sheets around me as I sob and gasp for air. This pain is insufferable, but I know that I need to embrace it. To let it happen so that I can move on. If that is even possible. I am facing the reality that I will never find another man, another friend, another protector, another lover... like Noah.
The water begins to drop in temperature, forcing me to grab onto the tub rail and pull myself up. I quickly begin to wash myself, frantically racing against the inevitable ice cold water that will be blasting my body any second. I needed this fall apart. I have to welcome the feeling of complete wreckage that is rocking me to my core. I want so badly to crawl into bed and sleep off this heartache, to sleep for days. But unfortunately that isn’t an option. I have to take care of the mess that has exploded in my trailer overnight and to be there for Lorenzo.
I reach out through the shower curtain and grab my phone off the sink to text Ezra. I want to let her know that I am for sure going to the party. I need a distraction now, more than ever.
That’s when I see Noah’s notification on my home screen. I fight within myself to leave it be, but of course my broken heart wins in the end and I have to look.
Brown Eyes, I promised you that I would always protect you and I intend to keep that promise. I love you and this will all work itself out. I am not letting you go without a fight.
My heart begins to race, and I text him back with mad crazy fingers.
Don’t do this. There is no chance in hell that this is going to work. You are leaving! This is never going to work. We don’t have a choice but to be done.
I hit send as I twist the shower handle off and whip the shower curtain open. Snatching a towel off the towel rod and wrapping it around me, I climb out. Clutching my phone to my chest, I storm off to my room but don’t even make halfway down the hall before my phone is going off.
Ting
Don’t fucking think for a minute that we are over. That is not what this is about. I am not leaving you, Sofia. I am working and will figure something out so that we can be together. I can’t bear to leave you behind and I’m going fucking insane envisioning you with another man. You are mine and I meant every single word that I said to you in Chicago. I will not just have pieces of you. I will have ALL of you!
Then quit hiding whatever it is that you're hiding and open up to me! How fucking hard is that?
I throw on some clothes and go to the kitchen to get on with my cleaning. I don't even know how to respond to him, so I leave him unseen.
My mind starts to drift, and I ask myself why it is that I am so angry at him? Is it really because he is leaving? I mean, I knew from the very beginning that his job required him to travel. What did I expect, for him to give up his company and settle down here with me and Enzo? Then again, I didn’t expect to fall for him, and I most definitely didn’t expect it to hurt like this, when he left. He did want to take us with him, but how was I going to do that? Enzo has school and I am not even his legal guardian. That right there is why this is a complete mess and I need to walk away from it. I need to focus on getting enough money to prove to the state that I am what is best for my little brother. And I most definitely do not need to be with someone who hides things from me.
I finish up cleaning the trailer and with the last two pieces of bread, I make Enzo a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. The entire time that he eats it, he complains that he hates the ends of the bread. I even tried tricking him by putting the hard parts on the inside of the sandwich.
We are low
on food as always and I become irritated with my mother, who lies sleeping in her room, not giving a damn about her two children. She is the reason I can’t leave with Noah and I feel a twinge of anger begin to flicker within my gut.
I can’t leave this baby that I have cared for since she brought him home from the hospital. I have no choice but to stick it out and do what I promised to do years ago. My life will have to wait. For now.
Tonight though, I am going to leave everything that has happened in the past month exactly there. In the past. At least that’s what I am going to set out to do. For now, it is the only option that I have. And a hell of a better alternative than laying in my bed, curled up in a ball.
I feel sexy as hell as I study myself in the mirror. My white crop top goes perfectly with my ripped-up denim mini skirt, which leaves very little to the imagination. Dark, loose curls fall over my bare shoulders and my brows are spot on. I am indebted to the hours of YouTube makeup tutorials that I have watched over the years because the smoky eye that I chose works wonders for my red-rimmed eyes.
I jump into Ezra’s car with a huge smile on my face. I am ready for tonight and the release that I so desperately need. Yes, I need this night more than I know.
I need to forget him.
“Wow, Sof, look at you! You seem to be handling him bailing on you better than I thought you would. If a hot ass older man who just gave me a brand-new Jeep and cell phone, told me that he was leaving for good, well, I wouldn’t be looking like that.” She puts the car in reverse and pulls out of my drive.
“Gee, thanks for reminding me, ass.” I yank the visor down to look in the mirror so that I can add some color to my lips. “Is what it is. I honestly don’t know what I was thinking. In my defense, how in the hell could I think clearly being around that body, those eyes, and Lord, the way he made me feel when he—”
Break Away: A Midwest Small Town Romance Page 17