The trailer park was swarming with emergency vehicles. People spilled out of their trailers to see what was going on. The rush of who, what, and why excites people. It takes their mind off their own problems. I know this because I used to be one of those people, staring at events that unfolded outside my front door. Dying to know why this person or that person was getting thrown in the back of a police car. Now, I am on the other side of it, and I want no part of it.
I am now sitting at Mrs. Carlson's kitchen table, staring at my mom’s cell phone that is plugged into the wall. It was dead when one of the officers handed it to me and as soon as they were done with questions that I didn’t have answers to, I walked back to her trailer with her. The smell of coffee and a spiced pumpkin candle fills her kitchen.
Everything is slow moving and distant. I feel as if I am in a tunnel and the voices around me are outside of it.
She’s dead.
I don’t even know how to process those words that bounce back and forth in my head. My only concern at this very second is that I find Lorenzo.
Her phone powers on and goes through the painfully slow process of different screens before her home screen comes to life.
Three missed texts.
Cory's mom.
I speed read through them and fall back in my chair, letting out a sigh of relief.
“What is it child? Where is he?” Mrs. Carlson pulls the phone out of my hand as I start to stand.
“He’s with a friend from school. They went to the Dells, a waterpark for a few days. He’ll be home tonight.” She grabs on to the kitchen table for support and sits down, dropping her head into her hands. She starts crying and I wrap my arms around her. She cradles me in her arms, and we fall apart together, sobbing and crying out. Our tears cover each other as we embrace the feelings of relief and loss. She pulls away slowly and takes my face in her wrinkled hands.
“Sofia, words aren’t gonna bring your mama back. Nor is it going to take away the anger that’s filling up inside you. But I will tell you this, you got your Nonna’s fire in you and her heart. You are to Lorenzo, what your Nonna was to you. Don’t ever forget that.” She wipes at my tears with the pads of her thumbs, and I smile at her before pulling her in for another hug.
“Thank you for watching over us. For everything. You didn’t have to do that. I love you.”
“I love you too, Sofia. Like my own.” We shed a few more tears and then she offers to make me a sandwich.
“My stomach is in knots, but thank you.”
We sit together, drinking coffee in silence, while I wait for the social worker to come talk to me.
An older lady with a calming voice finally knocks on the door. We welcome her to sit at the kitchen table and she takes a seat, politely declining anything to drink. I want to not like her, still angry that they ignored me when I made a report against my mom, but I know that it isn’t her fault. This isn't her fault.
I answer her questions and give her the info that she asks for. Driver’s license and social security number. She types a lot on her iPad, but makes sure to look up at me with a gentle and caring smile from time to time. She finally stops typing and drops it in her bag that is sitting on the floor next to her.
“Sofia, I am going to grant you temporary custody of your brother. Please know that there is a process that the state must follow before making this permanent. Counseling, court dates, and home visits that will take around a year to play out. But once you have fulfilled all of these things, I don’t see any reason that you wouldn’t be awarded permanent custody of Lorenzo.” She stands up, holding her bag to her chest and I quickly stand to shake her hand. “Please know that I am so very sorry about your mother.” Her words are full of compassion and her eyes are overflowing with sadness. I am most certain that this is not the first time she has spoken these words to someone. My heart breaks for her, knowing that every night she has to fall asleep with the visions of what she sees on a daily basis. And the next day she has to relive that nightmare, only the people and tragedy playing out differently.
“Thank you, I appreciate that.” We both head to our vehicles and she follows me over to my house. She has to make sure that my home is safe. She ooh’s and ahh’s over Lorenzo’s room and a genuine smile beams on her face. We make small talk as we make our way through my house and end up talking even longer next to her car.
“Sofia, first off, I want to tell you how sorry I am that your brother slipped through the cracks. That you slipped through the cracks. There is no excuse for that.” Her eyes become glossy, and she shakes her head in disbelief. “I really can’t express how impressed I am right now. I have seen so many situations in the past twenty years that I have worked for DCFS and you are one of the few that I know are going to be alright. It is very rare for a person to grow up in an abusive environment, especially one where drug addiction is a part of that environment and not fall into the same patterns. This little boy is very lucky to have you in his life.” I thank her as she hands me some paperwork and climbs into her car. She starts it up and leans out the window as she slowly reverses out of my drive. “You make my job worth it. Thank you.”
She pulls away and I walk up my porch steps, leaves crunching under my feet as I make my way up. The sound of them breaking through the silence of my quiet street makes me stop and look down at them. They used to fill the trees that surround my house in masses. Green and soft, so full of life. Now, they are just piles of dried out, dead leaves that cover the ground.
Dead. She’s dead.
I don’t let myself go there. Not yet. I need to get a hold of Cory’s mom and tell her to bring Lorenzo to my house. I make the call from my mom’s cell phone, leaving out all of the gory details and she tells me that she should be home a little after six. She sounds nice and I smile after I hang up, thinking about all of the fun that Enzo has had with them over the past few days.
I sit down on my steps and stare down at the leaves. I pick one up and twirl it in my hand, getting lost in it as I spin it faster and faster. I crush it and watch the pieces slowly crumble onto my legs. I do this over and over until the wind picks up. I pull my hoodie closed and wrap my arms in front of me to keep the chill out. I should go in, but I want to wait for Enzo.
I hear a car pulling down the street and look up to see that it’s Corbin. He parks in front of my house and gets out. I don’t really want company, I would rather be alone, but I don’t have the heart to tell him to go home.
“How you doin?” He sits down next to me and I pick up another leaf and start playing with it.
“Oh, just wonderful.” I look at him sarcastically and wish I could take it back as soon as I see how uncomfortable I just made him. “I’m sorry. That was rude.”
“Don’t worry about it, Sofia. I get it.” He picks at his jeans nervously as we sit on my steps in silence, neither of us knowing what to say.
“The state gave me temporary custody of Lorenzo. He should be here in the next hour.” A smile that reaches his eyes spreads across his face and he squeezes my knee.
“That is, shit, that’s great, Sof!”
“Yeah, I know. I can’t wait for him to get here.” I lean back on my elbows, close my eyes, and let out a sigh.
“I'm really sorry about your mom.” His face is full of compassion and I quickly look away, my lips quivering.
“Sofia, you just lost your mother a few hours ago. You not only lost her but witnessed something that you have loathed your entire life steal her from you. Forever.” Having him talk about her in the past tense makes me feel sick to my stomach. I push off my steps and stand up in front of him, grabbing at the back of my neck and growling out in anger.
“I hate her, and I am sooo mad at her, but I never... I never… even after everything that she has done, everything that she has never done for us, have I wanted her dead.” He stares at me with sympathetic eyes as I pace back and forth in front of him. “These memories of before my Nonna died, they keep making their way into my hea
d. You know, she used to be a decent mom. Not a PTA room mom kind of mother, but she was decent. She was there. And not only in the physical form, but mentally. But with every pill that she popped, every man that she allowed to crash at our trailer, all the events that she missed at our schools...it all pushed those memories deeper and deeper down. Until they were... gone.” Corbin lights up a cigarette and nods his head in agreement with me, not saying a word. I sit back down and run my hand through my hair as I blow out a slow, calming breath.
She’s gone.
“No going back, Corbin. No fixing our relationship. No her getting help, getting better. She’s just...gone.” My voice is shaky now as the reality of the last few hours starts to sink in.
“It’s messed up, Sof.” He exhales a puff of smoke as he rubs his chin, shaking his head in disbelief.
“I feel like I failed her.” These words that escape my mouth are but a whisper, but he hears them. He cocks his head at me with an utter look of confusion.
“Why the hell would you say that?”
“I gave up on her. I stopped asking her to just stop using. I could have told someone, a teacher, the police. Anyone. But I just—”
“Listen. From what you have told me, everything and I mean everything that you did was for that little boy that’s on his way here right now. None of this is your fault. Not a damn thing.” He pulls another cigarette out of his pack and lights it off the one that is hanging out of his mouth. “I’m going to tell you something that I have never told anyone before. My mom had a sister. I don’t remember much about her and my family gets all weird if her name is brought up, but anyways. After four or five times in rehab, my whole family had no choice but to stop helping her. She died from a drug overdose shortly after that.” His eyes gloss over, and he takes another drag off his cigarette.
“That’s horrible. I’m so sorry.”
“Yeah, her death really fucked up my mom. For a few years, she wasn’t herself. It was like she wasn’t even there. Her mind was always somewhere else. I remember how she would look at me when I was talking to her, but it was like she was looking through me. I didn’t understand it. I was just a kid, but I remember the way that it made me feel. I was scared that she would never get better, never come back to us.”
“How did she find her way back?”
“Counseling. She never came out and told me, but I heard her and my dad talking about it a few times. She slowly started getting better. I see that same look in her eyes here and there, but I’ll take that over what she was becoming any day.”
I place my hand over his and squeeze it gently.
“It’s funny how one person, not even knowing it, can produce a ripple effect of trauma to so many people in their life.” I lean my head on his shoulder and let out a sigh.
“Yup. It really is.” He drapes his arm over my neck, and I let myself fall into him. “When someone exits your life like your mom and my aunt did, it’s like they hand off all of their problems to you. You’re left with so many fucking questions that you will never have answers to and that shit...that can make a person go crazy. Don’t let that happen to you, Sof. You’re a good person and Lorenzo needs you. More so now than ever.”
“I would never turn my back on him. Ever.”
“I know you wouldn’t. No one ever wakes up one morning and says, ‘Hey, I'm gonna start screwing up royally. Maybe do some drugs, hurt the people that care about me.’ No, pain that gets twisted and wrapped up inside does that to a person.”
I close my eyes, trying desperately to shut out the truth of his words. My tears break through the surface of the pain that takes hold of me, soaking his flannel as he lets me fall apart in his arms. He doesn’t try to pick up my broken pieces, he just holds me as I let myself fall apart.
The lights swinging into my driveway pull me back to reality.
I scramble off the steps and brush the dried leaves off my pants.
“He’s here! He’s here!”
“And that’s my cue.” He grabs his cigarettes and lighter as he jumps up. I grab his arm.
“Thank you. Seriously, thank you.”
“I’ll send you the bill.” He winks at me and heads for his car, yelling over his shoulder, “you got this.”
I walk towards the gray minivan and a pretty blond with an even prettier smile gets out of the passenger side. Her husband, who looks like Ryan Gosling, waves through the driver’s side window. I wave back as Cory's mom extends her hand and I shake her perfectly manicured hands.
“Hello, I’m Steph, Cory’s mom.”
“Sofia, Lorenzo's sister. So nice to meet you.” She looks me up and down and flashes her beautiful smile again.
“The famous Sofia. We finally meet.” I give her probably one of the most awkward smiles in the world, not knowing how to take her comment. “Your brother talks about you all the time. He is a pretty special little boy, you know. We love having him over; the boys play so well together.” My heart spills over at hearing her compliments about him.
“Thank you. Yes, that he is.” I glance towards the van, getting impatient for him to get out. Her smile dips away and I don’t know where this is headed. Was there a problem? He’s an amazing kid but he is just that, a kid. And kids get into trouble.
“The boys, when they play...well you know kids, they talk.” She suddenly looks nervous, which makes me nervous, and I wish he would just jump out of the van already and break up this extremely awkward conversation. “I have overheard some of the chatter about Lorenzo's home life. It breaks my heart, some of the things he has said. But when he talks about you. Sissy this, sissy that. You can see the love in his eyes that he has for you. He missed you so much. I just wanted to tell you that I am so happy for him that you are back in his life.” My heart dips back into place and tears start to make their way to the surface. I push them back down.
“Thank you. I missed him so much.”
“Well enough chit chat, let me get him out for you.” She goes to the van and I follow. “We were hardly pulling onto the highway and both boys were out. They played so hard at the water park.” She pulls on the handle and the slider slowly opens.
My Enzo.
I quickly wipe at a tear that escapes. He looks so peaceful, sleeping with his head resting on some blankets. Of course MeeMee is tucked under his arm. I reach over him to unbuckle the seatbelt and he begins to stir. His sleepy eyes blink up at me, confused.
“Sissy?” His voice is groggy and hushed. I nod my head as I brush his curls out of his eyes and press my lips to his forehead.
“Yes. Oh, little man, how I have missed you.” He wraps his arms around my neck, and I pull him out of his booster. I squeeze my arms around him as I run my fingers through his hair, not ever wanting to put him down. He pulls away and squishes my face in his tiny hands. With a quivering lip he stares into my eyes.
“I thought you were never coming back.” My arms embrace him and cry quietly into his golden curls.
“It would take the end of time to keep me from you, Lorenzo Thomas.” He giggles and lays his sleepy head on my shoulder.
Oh, how I missed this.
Cory’s mom offers to help me carry his bag in but I take it from her and shake my head. “I’m fine, I got it. Thank you so much for having him.”
“Anytime, really. He is always welcome.” She rubs Lorenzo's back before heading to the van to grab his booster and sets it on the porch. As she walks back to her van, she turns around. “It was so nice to meet you, Sofia. And we will see you again soon, Lorenzo.” We stand in the front yard waving at them until they are out of sight.
I giggle as he covers his mouth, trying to hide a yawn that breaks free.
“Oh my, I think someone is tired.” He shakes his head and puts his serious face on.
“Nope, not me. That was a leftover yawn from in the van.” I tickle him and he squirms down to the ground. He looks at the house, then at me. His angelic face twisting in deep thought. “Hey, I think I was here before?”
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br /> “Huh, really? That’s weird?” My lips tug down in confusion and I take his hand in mine. “Come on, I have something to show you.” I bend down and whisper in his ear. “It’s a surprise.” His eyes get huge, and he starts jumping up and down in place, his curls bouncing in all directions.
I give his soft, squishy hand a few squeezes and he looks up at me with blue eyes full of curiosity. “Ready, little man?” He nods excitedly and we dart up the stairs together and through the front door of our home.
I AM SO UPSET that I didn’t record Lorenzo’s reaction to his room. He went absolutely nuts over it. Running around, touching everything, pulling toys out of cubbies and closely inspecting the toy cars that I picked out for him.
“How did you know my favorite colors are blue and green?” I plop down on my belly next to him on the bed and take MeeMee in my hands.
“Because it’s my job to know what your favorite colors are, silly.” I attack his belly with his stuffed mouse and he grabs it away from me.
“I missed you so much, Enzo.”
“I know. Mommy made you leave. She’s angry.” He plays with MeeMee’s whiskers and a sad look washes over him. “She’s always angry.”
My stomach flips, dreading that I have to tell him.
Our mother is dead.
“Lorenzo, I have to talk to you about something.” He blinks his long lashes at me and narrows his eyes.
“Something is wrong. Isn’t it?” I try my hardest to hold it together. To not lose it right there in front of him. This has to be the hardest thing that I have ever done.
“It’s about mom, Enzo.” He sighs and goes back to playing with MeeMee’s whiskers.
“I know. That’s why I'm here.” I sit up and crisscross my legs.
“Come here, buddy.” I pull him onto my lap and rest my chin on top of his head. I begin playing with his soft curls and stare off, not having the slightest clue on how to tell him that our mother just died from a drug overdose.
“Lorenzo, mommy died today.” Speaking these words out loud makes my lip quiver and tears start sliding down my cheeks. He pulls away and looks up at me. His sweet face makes more tears fall. I feel awful that I am epically failing this. I am supposed to be strong for him.
Break Away: A Midwest Small Town Romance Page 25