by Helen Harper
Wishful Thinking
By Helen Harper
BOOK ONE OF
HOW TO BE THE BEST DAMN FAERY GODMOTHER IN THE WORLD (OR DIE TRYING)
Copyright © 2019 Helen Harper
All rights reserved.
BOOK COVER DESIGN BY YOCLA DESIGNS
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-two
Chapter Twenty three
Chapter Twenty Four
Chapter Twenty Five
Chapter Twenty Six
Chapter Twenty Seven
Chapter Twenty Eight
Chapter One
The monster was bloody massive. Despite the soupy fog surrounding us, his features were still clear. His angry red eyes glowed, almost laser sharp in their intensity, while his green skin glistened wetly in the drizzle. He opened his mouth, jaws yawning wide. The roar which ensued just after was in equal measures ferocious and terrifying. I beamed proudly.
The bolder of my three trainees raised his hand. Normally, I wouldn’t countenance questions in the middle of a client session. For now, however, I’d allow it. I had a few seconds to spare and I was feeling generous.
I nodded towards him. ‘Yes?’
He swallowed. ‘Isn’t it rather derivative? I mean, giving him green skin and all. It’s not very original.’
The kid deserved to go to the top of the class. I snapped my fingers at him. ‘Exactly! It’s not supposed to be innovative. You have to ensure that you are creating something which is connected in some way to reality. If you stray too far and let your imagination run riot, then you run the risk of either at worst turning your client psychotically crazy or at best making him completely dismiss your conjuration and forget about what he’s seen.’ I pointed at the hunched over figure in the doorway. ‘If he can believe that his own mind created that monster, then you’ll have more success in your endeavours.’
‘I thought that as dope faeries we are supposed to give them the best trip possible.’
‘We are.’ I explained further. ‘And the best trip possible is the one that your client can believe in. To a certain extent anyway. You can’t give them more than their own minds can cope with. When Duncan Smith here properly sobers up, he’ll believe that the mushrooms he ate were fantastic. He’ll think that he hallucinated a monster akin to the Incredible Hulk because last week he saw part of the film when he sneaked into the local cinema. He’ll be more inclined to have mushrooms again, instead of progressing to harder substances which will only lead to his eventual demise. And,’ I gestured to his expression, ‘he’ll continue to enjoy himself.’
All three trainees stared at Duncan’s glazed expression. His mouth was indeed curved up into a goofy smile, with his tongue lolling out happily. The trail of drool curling down from his bottom lip was somewhat off-putting but fairly par for the course.
‘Is the boogeyman coming?’ Duncan whispered.
I knelt down next to his ear. ‘The boogeyman is here, Duncan.’
‘No.’ He shook his head. ‘The other one. The real one.’
‘What’s he talking about?’ asked Sarah, the only female out of the three of them.
I shrugged. ‘Probably a previous hallucination which he’s confusing with this one.’ I held my index finger up to my mouth, indicating that they should stop talking. ‘Now be quiet. You can’t leave your conjurations alone for too long or…’
I didn’t manage to finish speaking. The green monster, irritated at being left on its own, snarled loudly and stomped forward, shoving me out of the way. The thing didn’t realise its own strength. I went flying, smacking with a painful thud into a nearby brick wall. While I picked myself up, feeling somewhat dazed, the monster lunged for Duncan, grabbing him by the collar and hefting him up.
‘What do we do?’ Sarah screamed.
I dragged myself up to my feet. ‘Stay back,’ I said calmly. ‘That’s what you do.’
I raised my right hand up into the air and twirled my dope faery wand three times. Initially, nothing seemed to happen. Then, however, there was a scuttling sound. The three trainees drew back. That was a wise decision. The scuttling sound grew louder and louder until it was almost a deafening roar. While the green monster craned its head down, prepared to quite happily gnaw on Duncan’s exposed neck, from the shadows, hundreds of tiny creatures suddenly appeared. Each one was about the size of my thumb and each one was charging towards the monster. Some wore kilts; some wore suits of armour; some were completely naked. They all carried weapons, however, and they were all directed at Duncan’s monster. Within scant seconds they swarmed up its body, engulfing it until it was no longer visible. Duncan fell to the ground, landing badly on his side. I winced. He’d have an inexplicably painful bruise when he woke up tomorrow morning. I rubbed at my spine. He wasn’t the only one.
I raised my hand once again and twirled it anti-clockwise this time. The tiny army vanished. A split second later so did the monster.
I shook out my hair, brushed off the dirt from my t-shirt, and turned to my cowering trio. ‘So,’ I said with a smile, ‘what can you learn from that episode? Dean?’
He ran a shaky hand through his hair and blinked at me. ‘Er … stay on your guard at all times?’
I nodded. ‘Yes. What else?’
Sarah swallowed. ‘Keep a close rein on your incantations.’
‘Yes.’ I cast a glance at Duncan. Mild confusion was reflected in his face but he didn’t appear unduly perturbed by his near brush with death. ‘Although you can easily control whatever you conjure up, if you become distracted then disaster can ensue.’ My tone darkened. ‘Make no mistake. Serious injury and even death can and does occur. We are already dealing with vulnerable clients. The last thing you want to do is make their lives worse than they already are.’ I stepped out of the shadows so that Duncan would finally notice my presence, and knelt down in front of him. ‘How are you feeling, Duncan?’ I asked softly.
His dilated pupils fixed on me. ‘Good.’ He frowned. ‘Great, in fact.’ He stared at me more closely. ‘Do I know you?’
‘I’m a friend,’ I told him.
‘Ah.’ He bobbed his head in understanding. ‘Did you see the monster too?’
‘I did.’ I smiled at him. ‘It was pretty scary.’
‘I wasn’t scared,’ he quickly declared. ‘Monsters don’t scare me.’
I patted him on the shoulder. ‘Good for you. I’ll see you around.’
‘Be careful,’ he muttered. ‘You don’t want to get hurt.’ He lifted his feet, using them to push himself against the wall. Then he began to fumble in his pockets for a cigarette. I left him to it. My work, at least as far as Duncan was concerned, was done for now.
‘What happens,’ Sarah asked, ‘if he does move onto more potent drugs? Will he still be your client then?’
‘Yes.’ I sighed. ‘But the halluc
inations I create will affect him more deeply. It will become harder to maintain control over his moments of lucidity. Some clients manage to pull back from that. Some don’t. You can nudge them towards the right path but you can’t choose it for them.’ I touched my chest. ‘That sort of motivation has to come from within.’
All three of the trainees looked rather dubious. Dean’s colour still hadn’t returned to his cheeks. It wasn’t easy starting out. They’d learn soon enough though.
‘Will he remember us?’ Dean asked.
I shook my head. ‘The memory magic covers you as well as me. He won’t remember a thing.’
All three of them looked relieved at that. They were clearly still nervous about their new jobs. I smiled sympathetically. ‘It’s not glamorous being a dope faery,’ I told them. ‘A lot of other faeries in other professions will look down on you. But make no mistake about it. You are giving some small amount of joy to your clients. What they then do with that afterwards is up to them.’
‘He doesn’t look very joyful,’ Dean pointed out.
That was the trouble with specialised language, I reflected. Unless you were in the loop, it rarely made sense. ‘When I say joy in this context,’ I said, ‘I’m actually referring to a number of possible emotions. All positive and all with the potential to lead to genuine joy, as you understand it.’ I thought a little more about it before continuing, choosing my words carefully so that my three students would grasp my actual meaning. ‘In Duncan’s case it’s about bravery. He’s too scared to pick himself up and move on from the trauma that put him in this position. I’ve been working with him for months to build up his confidence. Last year he wouldn’t have been able to cope with a monster such as the one I just conjured up. It’s taken a lot to get him to this point. Being a dope faery isn’t only about giving your clients happy drug dreams. It’s about giving them the tools they might need to survive beyond this existence.’ I waved a hand around to illustrate my point.
‘It’s a lot more complex than I’d realised,’ Sarah said, as much to herself as to anyone else.
‘You’ll grasp the ins and outs more quickly than you think,’ I told her. Then I smiled at them all. ‘Let’s head home to Colchester and clock off. You can spend the evening remembering that, no matter what anyone else tells you, this is a great job and you’ll gain immense satisfaction from it.’
***
‘I fucking hate my job.’ I gazed morosely into my beer. ‘Three hours I’ve spent in crappy rain with crappy clients and crappy trainees.’ I gestured towards my hair. ‘You do realise that no amount of conditioner is going to calm down this frizz now, right?’
Harry grinned at me. ‘I think the frizz kind of suits you.’
‘Piss off.’
‘I’m telling the truth. It makes you look like a poodle.’
I looked up from my drink and stared at him.
‘A very cute poodle,’ he said.
I snorted. Most other faeries were blessed with perfect locks and unblemished skin. I, on the other hand, had the sort of hair which wouldn’t look out of place on a circus clown and I was prone to repeated acne break outs. No-one ever said life was fair.
‘Anyway,’ Harry said, ‘you’re ridiculously good at your job. You take it seriously and you help out lots of people. Very few of your clients have died from overdoses.’ He paused. ‘You won employee of the month three times in a row! So stop whinging about it. You’re just having a bad day.’
‘More like a bad year,’ I muttered. I took a swig of my drink and sighed. ‘Alright. I don’t really hate my job. I’m just bored as hell.’
‘Isn’t that why your boss has been giving you all those trainees?’ Harry asked. ‘To keep you on your toes?’
I grimaced. ‘Jacob is trying to keep me busy. I’m sure he thinks that I want his job. The last thing I want, however, is more sodding dope faery paperwork. I don’t want to be sat behind a desk. I want to be out there,’ I gestured aimlessly in front of me, ‘helping people.’ Not to mention being the best dope faery there was. That went without saying.
‘You do help people.’ Harry scratched at an old scab on the back of his hand. ‘And at least you don’t have to hang around waiting for it to rain like I do. This dry spell we’ve been having is driving me nuts. I’ve not been able to create any decent rainbows since April. And even then I was told the last one I made wasn’t good enough because my blues were too insipid. Blues by their very nature are insipid!’
I gave him a commiserative look. ‘You’ve still not been given the London contract then?’
‘No.’ He grunted in irritation. ‘The dippy twins have it instead. And that’s only because their uncle is Philip Vasterson.’
My mouth curved into a sympathetic smile. ‘Remember when we were students and we created FAN? We should never have abandoned it.’
‘We didn’t have much choice in the matter,’ Harry reminded me. ‘ Besides, ‘Faeries Against Nepotism was never going to gain any traction when all the powers that be enjoy their position because of that very nepotism. We were young and optimistic and now we’re tired and over-worked. This is how it will be until we retire, draw our pensions and then drop dead immediately after.’ His eyes danced. ‘So we should forget about our jobs and just party harder.’ He clinked his glass against mine and drained it dry. ‘Let’s do shots. Then clubbing. And maybe a kebab before a quick vomit into the nearest drain.’
I smirked. ‘That’s very tempting. But I’ve been called into for an early meeting tomorrow. I have no idea what Jacob wants but I reckon I’ll need a clear head. Especially if he’s going to call me out for making that client last walk into the lake last week. He doesn’t realise that it was a carefully planned operation designed to help my boy get over his fear of water. If he thinks that he can give me an official warning for almost drowning the man then he’s got another thing coming.’
‘You go, girl.’ He nudged me. ‘You see? You do care about your job.’
‘Of course I care about it.’ I sighed. ‘I’m still bored though.’
‘Only one shot then. Vodka.’
I couldn’t deny that I was tempted. I shook my head firmly. ‘No. There have been whispers that there’s a new task force being created to deal with people who are taking that synthetic drug that’s recently come onto the streets. I think it’s called Wings.’ I shrugged. ‘Anyway, if it does come about I want to be the one to head it up. I’ve got the experience and the expertise.’
Harry raised an eyebrow. ‘Not to mention the ambition.’
This was a conversation we’d had many times. ‘Why have dreams if you’re not willing to work to achieve them?’
‘Saffron, your dream isn’t to head up the Wings task force.’
My mouth twisted. ‘No, it’s not. But right now it’s about all I’ve got that’s achievable.’ I leaned over and gave him a quick peck on the cheek. ‘I’ll see you later.’
‘Count on it.’
***
Jacob wasn’t a bad boss. In fact, I rather respected and admired him. He ran a tight ship and didn’t take fools gladly. Admittedly, he had a disturbing penchant for implementing new initiatives from his various middle management training courses with unbridled enthusiasm, regardless of whether they were smart ideas or not. Unfortunately, I couldn’t fault him for possessing the same ardent desire to do well that I did. I simply wished I had more opportunities to shine. Modesty aside, it was all very well being a big fish in a small pond but I was quickly running out of room.
‘Take a seat, Saffron.’ Jacob pointed at the chair in front of his desk. ‘Thank you for coming in so early. I know you had a busy day yesterday.’
‘It wasn’t too bad.’
‘Your trainees were impressed. You’ve done a good job of firing them up. Not ever faery wants to come to this department. We can always count on you to show the newbies what things are really like. The magic you weave with them as well as with your clients is nothing short of wonderful. Complex tapestrie
s shot with gold. That’s what you do.’
I frowned at him. Jacob wasn’t normally prone to flowery language. Neither did he tend towards effusive compliments. Something was definitely up. ‘I do what I’ve been told to do,’ I said slowly.
‘And you do it very well. Lots of other dope faeries look up to you.’
His expression was remarkably earnest. That had me worried. ‘Alright,’ I said, ‘enough already. What’s this actually about?’
His nose wrinkled. ‘This department was never your first choice.’
‘No.’
‘You applied to the luck faeries, I believe?’
I nodded. I was growing more suspicious by the second.
‘And the dream faeries?’
‘Yes. What of it?’
Jacob ignored my question. ‘On three occasions, you also applied to the faery godmothers. You were not long listed.’
I tilted my head. ‘Is this your attempt to tell me that I was lucky to get any kind of job at all?’
His gaze was steady. ‘No. It’s my attempt to tell you that we saw your potential even if the other departments did not. You do good work here, Maisie. If you remain on this trajectory, you could head up the entire department one day.’
There was definitely a ‘but’ coming. I folded my arms.
Jacob sighed. ‘An opening has come up in another department. They have suggested that you would be a good fit. They would like to interview you.’
I stared at him. ‘Me?’
He sniffed. ‘It’s far from ideal. You’ll go right back down to the bottom of the heap. You’ll have all sorts of new things to learn and you’ll be considerably older than any of the other new starts. It might seem appealing but you have to remember that not all that glitters is gold.’
‘Which department?’ I asked.
‘Just because somewhere has a good reputation doesn’t mean that it’s actually going to be an amazing place to work. And just because they’ve asked for you to attend an interview doesn’t mean that you’ll get the position.’