by Helen Harper
‘You said you’d got what I asked for,’ he mumbled.
I grinned and reached into my pocket, pulling out a plastic bag containing a few wrinkled mushrooms. They were far from hallucinogenic. They’d been sitting in the bottom of my fridge for goodness knows how long. Perhaps they’d provide some sort of placebo effect or perhaps Duncan would be sorely disappointed later on when he tried them. Either way, I could hardly give him the real thing. That hadn’t been in job description even when I’d been a dope faery at the top of my game. Such an action was severely frowned upon and old habits died very hard.
‘They’ll make you fly,’ I told him, lying through my teeth.
Duncan edged towards me and took the bag. The plastic rustled as he peered inside. ‘They look like button mushrooms,’ he said doubtfully.
Duncan was many things. Stupid wasn’t one of them. ‘I know, right?’ I said. ‘They’re legit though. I already told you. If you don’t want them, that’s okay. I’m happy to keep them for myself.’
He pulled the bag towards his chest, on the off-chance that I was about to reach out and take it from him. As doubtful as he was about the mushrooms’ providence, he wasn’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth. ‘Thank you.’
I waved a hand in the air. ‘I’d say that there’s more where they came from but they’re the last of my supplies. I hope you enjoy them.’ I leaned back and crossed my legs. ‘So how have you been since I saw you last?’
‘Fine.’
He was considerably less verbose when he was stone cold sober. I’d thought that hard part would be getting in here. It appeared that getting Duncan to talk was going to be the toughest thing. ‘How about that tea then?’ I prompted.
With obvious reluctance, he shuffled over to the tiny stove, still clutching the plastic bag. Using one hand, he re-filled the kettle at the sink and then placed it onto the hob before turning to me. ‘Where did you say we met?’
‘Out by the train station.’ I hesitated, then added in a small voice, ‘Don’t you remember?’
He was too kind to be honest. ‘I remember.’
I smiled to make him think I was relieved. ‘Oh good. You were so nice to me and you made such a difference to my day that I’d feel terrible if I’d not had the same impact on you. All that time we spent talking about the boogeyman!’
Duncan stiffened. ‘Who?’ he whispered, his eyes going wide.
I pretended I hadn’t heard him. ‘You might say that monsters don’t scare you but the boogeyman would certainly scare me.’ I glanced around as if the boogeyman in question was about to jump out from the rose patterned wallpaper. ‘I hope I don’t bump into him too.’
‘Steer clear of St Clements Park then,’ he grunted.
Bingo. ‘Oh don’t worry,’ I said with fervent promise, ‘I will.’ I fiddled with my cuffs and took a deep breath, casting my net a little further in a bid to get more information that might help. The boogeyman Duncan had mentioned might not have a single thing to do with whoever was disappearing faeries. He might not exist at all, much like my own conjuration of the green skinned monster. But Duncan’s ominous mention of him the other night was too much of a coincidence for me to ignore – especially given my lack of other leads. ‘The way you described him,’ I said with a shudder. ‘The way he looked with his …’ my voice trailed off hopefully. With any luck, Duncan would fill in the blanks for me.
‘His hair?’
I nodded enthusiastically. ‘Yes! His hair.’
He dropped the bag containing the mushrooms at his feet. ‘You should leave.’
Uh oh. ‘Pardon?’
‘I don’t know who you are or what you’re after but you have to go. I don’t want you here. I didn’t see anything and I don’t know what you’re talking about.’ He raised his arm, extending his trembling index finger at his door. ‘Leave.’
‘Wait, Duncan, I …’
He lunged towards me. I squeaked in fear, suddenly afraid of what he’d do. He didn’t hurt me though. He just grabbed my shoulder with one hand and opened the door with his other. I considered standing my ground and putting up a fight. It wouldn’t have been hard. I suspected, however, that such a display of strength would cause more problems than it would solve. Besides, I’d already gotten what I’d come for. I relaxed my body and allowed Duncan to shove me ceremoniously out. He slammed the door shut and I could hear the jangle of the lock as it was slid into place.
‘I didn’t mean you any harm, Duncan,’ I called back, unsure if he could hear me. ‘I’m sorry if I bothered you.’ I sighed. ‘You look after yourself.’ I waited for a moment but he didn’t answer. I’d done all that I could. I shoved my hands into my pockets and then left him in peace.
***
I desperately wanted to head directly to St Clements Park and see what – or who – was there. Duncan had been genuinely scared and even if his boogeyman was innocent of anything to do with any missing faery godmothers, I liked my old client more than enough to want to put a definite end to his fear. If I were being honest with myself, it was more than likely that this shadowy monster was some sort of human drug dealer trying to get Duncan to sink himself lower into that world. A nasty monster indeed but not the sort that I was actually looking for. Still, in that scenario, I was well placed to do some good – which given the last twenty four hours was more than I could ask for.
Unfortunately, time was already working against me. I’d definitely be late for work if I took a detour to the park and Duncan’s problems weren’t my only problems. I shouldered my bag, checked the sky and drew out my umbrella, then instead headed towards the office. It would be far better to be early rather than late. Now that I actually had ID, at least I could be sure that Mrs Jardine would let me in.
It might have only been my second day but already the sheen of stepping into the building had worn off. Now I was already starting to sense some of the despair from the floors above leaking down to the glitter of reception. As instructed by Harry, however, I wouldn’t let it put me off. Yet again, I put on my very best smile and walked up to the front desk.
‘Good morning, Mrs Jardine! How are you on this most glorious of days?’
She gazed at me, owl-like. ‘It’s raining.’
‘I know!’ I grinned happily. ‘It’s not even just drizzle. It’s proper rain. There are some rainbow faeries out there who will be delirious.’
Something altered in her expression, although I couldn’t have said exactly what. ‘Hmmph.’ She adjusted her spectacles. ‘You’ll have to take a seat over there and wait,’ she told me, pointing at the same uncomfortable chairs that I’d been forced into yesterday morning.
‘There’s no need,’ I chirped. I held up my lanyard. ‘Now I’m official.’
She looked from it to me and back again. ‘I can’t possibly accept that. It looks nothing like you.’
She had got to be kidding me. ‘Of course it’s me. The photo was only taken yesterday!’
Mrs Jardine sniffed. ‘Even more reason for it to resemble your actual face then. She shook her head. ‘No. With the trouble yesterday when that delivery faery didn’t properly identify himself, I can’t be too careful. I need this job.’
Somehow I didn’t think Mrs Jardine would ever be sacked. I reckoned that the Director herself would be terrified of her. The Devil’s Advocate had put her in her place but he was special. I thought about that for a moment and leaned forward. ‘I understand,’ I said. ‘You have to be very careful. We can’t have more severed ears being thrown around the office.’
She didn’t twitch. ‘From what I heard, it was you doing the throwing.’
Yeah. I did that when I was up in the office. The office I belonged in just like every other damn faery godmother. I bit my tongue back from saying that, however, and played more strategically instead. ‘Mm. I’ll wait in that chair as you wish,’ I told her. ‘If I’m lucky, the Devil’s Advocate will show up again and we can share a lift together once more. He’s such an interesting man, don’
t you think? We got on very well together. Not many faeries get the chance to have a proper tete-a-tete with him. I did though.’ I allowed myself a tiny smile. Then I added a conspiratorial wink for good measure. ‘I think the two of us had a special connection, you know. He was most surprised that I’d been left cooling my heels for so long down here but I assured him that I didn’t mind. I think he believed me,’ I added, tapping my mouth thoughtfully. I met Mrs Jardine’s eyes. ‘When is the actual audit taking place?’
She didn’t immediately respond. When she did, her voice was icy cold. ‘You really do seem to think you’re very smart, don’t you? I don’t take to threats very well, Ms Sawyer.’
‘I’m not the enemy, Mrs Jardine. And I’m not threatening you.’ Not exactly anyway. I smiled pleasantly. ‘All I want is to get upstairs so that I can do my job to the very best of my ability. I’ll admit that based on yesterday’s evidence that’s not a very great ability but I still want to try. I deserve the chance to try. I understand that you might take great joy out of teasing new starts like me and, under other circumstances, I’d probably find it entertaining as well. But there’s serious shit going on up there and with all those disappearances I don’t think this is the best time for a sense of humour that involves either or pranks or hazing. This is the time for all of us to pull together as a real team.’
For a brief second, I thought I’d over done it and gone too far. Mrs Jardine stared at me long and hard before speaking again. ‘You shouldn’t be here,’ she said quietly.
My smiling façade broke. ‘I might not be from a high brow faery family but I have the right to be here as much as anyone else,’ I snapped.
‘Oh, you have the right. And you are stronger than the others. I do indeed act like this with every new godmother and godfather and you’ve reacted very well in return. You’ve been one of the better faeries to come through that door, even though I’ve been harsher to you than to others. But you still shouldn’t be here.’
‘Why the hell not?’ I growled.
For the first time her expression softened. ‘It’s not safe for you here.’
I was so surprised that I took an involuntary step backwards. ‘Because I’m here to lure the kidnapper in,’ I whispered without thinking.
It was Mrs Jardine’s turn to be surprised. ‘They told you?’ She shook her head and answered her own question. ‘No. They wouldn’t do that. Someone else whispered in your ear.’
Billy took that very moment to push open the door and walk in. A knowing flicker lit Mrs Jardine’s eyes and she nodded to herself. Apparently I wasn’t the only one who saw through Billy’s act then. ‘Thumbprint here,’ she said to me, in a sudden brisk and business like fashion.
I reached for the book and pressed my thumb down in the appropriate space. Then I met her eyes once again. ‘I’ll be fine,’ I told her as Billy came up behind me.
‘You are not wearing regulation shoes,’ he said to me with a frown. ‘Those are patent leather and patent leather is prohibited.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ I said. ‘It won’t happen again.’ I glanced at Mrs Jardine, whose face remained entirely expressionless. Was everyone in this building playing a role? ‘Listen,’ I said to her. ‘My best friend is a rainbow faery. If you ever want a rainbow created for you for a special occasion then say the word and I’ll see what I can do.’
Mrs Jardine’s cheeks turned pink. Even Billy’s mouth dropped open in shock. ‘Thank you,’ she murmured. ‘I appreciate that.’
I bobbed my head once. Then I trotted off to the lift in my non-regulation shoes. What was the problem with patent leather anyway?
Chapter Twelve
I already had a plan in my head. As I was a fraction early, Delilah wasn’t yet at her desk. I’d wait until she arrived so that I could exchange pleasantries with her and continue to work on getting her onto my side, then I’d head off to sort out Luke Wells before moving onto my other clients. I could almost smell my own success in the air. Grabbing the unicorn mug from where I’d left it the day before, I walked towards the little kitchen, humming as I went. Frankly, if I could conquer Mrs Jardine, I felt like I could conquer anything.
I’d just finished making myself a strong coffee when Alicia strode in. She seemed intent on entirely ignoring my presence. That was until she caught sight of the mug. Her eyes fixed on it, widening to an alarming size.
‘What,’ she gasped with remarkably vicious horror that wasn’t all that far from the way she’d reacted to poor Lydia’s ear yesterday, ‘do you think you’re doing?’
‘Having a coffee,’ I said. And then, because there was no reason why I shouldn’t try to get on her side as well as everyone else’s, I added, ‘would you like one?’
She ignored the offer. ‘That is my mug. You’ve stolen my mug.’
Oh. I should have realised that the cardinal sin of working in any office held as true here as it would anywhere else. ‘I didn’t know,’ I said, in an appropriately apologetic manner. ‘I thought we could use any mug we wanted to.’
‘Well, you can’t! You can’t go stealing other people’s mugs! Everyone knows that the unicorn one is my one. I spent half an hour looking it for yesterday. I was desperate for a cup of tea after the trauma I had to undergo because of you throwing that … that … thing at me. That trauma was compounded because my mug was missing. Except it wasn’t missing, was it? You stole it! I might have known that a marsh faery like you would be a dirty thief.’
I counted to ten in my head. It didn’t help. ‘Marsh faeries aren’t thieves,’ I said. ‘They are honorable members of our race who deserve respect. They accomplish a great deal for our environment and we should thank them for it. Although I should add again that I am not a marsh faery. More’s the pity. However, I am sorry I took your mug. I didn’t steal it. I merely used it to put coffee in.’ I opened the cupboard, pulled out another mug at random and poured the coffee from the unicorn mug into it. ‘Now you can have your mug back.’
‘I don’t want it back until you’ve washed it thoroughly!’ She glared at me, putting her hands on her hips.
‘Well,’ I said calmly, ‘I will wash it now and then you can have it right back.’ I paused. ‘And if I could make just one minor point of criticism before I do that, I’d like to say that the hands on your hips thing is too much. I appreciate it’s important to stay in role as the mean girl but the tone of your voice is more than enough.’ I waved at her vaguely. ‘The half baked flouncing detracts from your scariness.’
A strange flush began at the base of Alicia’s neck and started to rise upwards. ‘The what?’ she stuttered. Her hand snapped out and she grabbed the mug from me. ‘I’ll wash it myself,’ she hissed. ‘I don’t know who you think you are or why you think you can talk to me like that but I am a Beauchamp. Beauchamps have been the top performing faery godmothers for generations. I am someone around here. You are no-one. If I want to put my hands on my hips, then I will bloody well do so!’ Her voice was rising. Somewhat belatedly, it occurred that I’d made yet another catastrophic error. Unlike Billy and Mrs Jardine, Alicia wasn’t acting at all. She really was the person who she portrayed herself to be.
From behind her, Adeline suddenly appeared. ‘Alicia,’ she said, ‘may I have a word in private?’
‘Did you hear how this creature spoke to me?’ she shrieked.
‘Saffron, leave us.’
Gladly. I picked up my new mug and tried to slide out before Alicia’s yells reached ceramic-shattering levels.
‘Oh and Saffron?’ Adeline murmured. ‘That’s my mug.’
Fuck a puck. I gave up on any sort of coffee whatsoever and handed it to her. Then I all but sprinted to the supposed safety of my own desk.
***
I’d have given up on the office entirely and escaped via the Metafora room as soon as I possibly could but for the fact that the Director appeared at the front and beckoned everyone forward.
‘Here we go,’ Delilah said to me, shrugging off her coat, ‘it’s pep
talk time.’
‘Pardon?’
She leaned towards me. ‘It’s dressed up as the morning briefing. You missed it yesterday but it happens every morning. It’s supposed to get us ready for the day. You know, raring to go and pumped full of enthusiasm and provided with all the information we need to be good little faery godmothers. It’s by far the most depressing part of the entire day.’ She smirked to herself. ‘Although today I can’t wait to hear how she will put a positive spin on what happened with Lydia’s ear.’
I was beginning to warm to my gossipy neighbour. She was far more canny than initial appearances suggested. Following her lead, I got to my feet and walked to the front of the room. I had to admit that I was also curious about what the Director was about to say about yesterday’s events – especially considering how much I’d been kept in the dark so far.
A group of godmothers towards the back of the small crowd were still chatting. The Director fixed them with a stern look but, amusingly, it took them some time to notice. She eventually had to resort to clearing her throat overly loudly in order to encourage them to fall silent.
‘Good morning, everyone.’
There was a mumbled chorus in response. I added my own voice into the mix, a beat behind everyone else and considerably louder. It might have made me look vaguely idiotic but it did raise a faint smile from the Director in my direction. Anything was an improvement after yesterday’s debacle.
‘I know that many of you are feeling unsettled after what happened yesterday. We have no reason to believe that Lydia is not still alive, and I would like to assure you that we are very much engaged in investigating the disappearances of all our beloved colleagues. We will find the person responsible for this and they will be brought to justice.’
An older man standing a few feet away from me raised his voice. ‘What about our safety? You can’t guarantee that. We shouldn’t be going out alone. Not any more. If we had a buddy system …’