by C. J. Anaya
“What is this?” I said, pointing to the mark.
Kheelan’s eyes flickered to the mark for a moment. They darkened in consternation, but then the moment passed and his tranquil look returned.
“It’s a birthmark, Crysta. Just a beautiful symbol of royalty.”
“Oh.”
I stared at it in the mirror, feeling that there was more to it than that, but not knowing where that feeling came from.
If Kheelan said it was a birthmark then that’s exactly what I would believe. Honestly, what else could it be? I doubted a faerie princess would have been allowed to get a tattoo on her temple.
I looked at the mark again, growing increasingly uneasy as my mind fought to remember something significant about its presence, but once again my thoughts came up empty.
It was just as well. After all, there was nothing significant about an old birthmark.
I leaned my head back against Kheelan’s chest and tried to ignore Chuck,—our self-appointed chaperon—his low growls of annoyance, and the nervous tension gripping me.
One spell down, several thousand to go.
Endless night.
That’s what the tunnels felt like to me. Trapped within these confining walls with no light to speak of and no voice to guide me, I raced on, knowing I’d probably eat it hard at any second, but not giving a crap about it. I had to run away. Get away.
From him.
I made it to a wide open cavern where slivers of light from cracks in the rock ceiling illuminated the space surrounding me. Several more tunnels opened up to me, but I panicked, not able to make a choice while his pounding footsteps got closer and closer. Just as I finally made the decision to go left, a hand clamped down on my shoulder and roughly jerked me around. His silver hair and dark blue eyes gave him the appearance of a destroying angel bent on ending me in the name of some righteous cause.
With a cold and calculated look he pulled back his dagger and plunged it into my stomach.
The pain took over as the breath rushed from me.
I gazed up into those menacing blue eyes and managed to whisper one word before passing out.
“Jareth.”
I sat up, gasping in pain, grabbing my stomach to check for wounds, but finding nothing there. Kheelan’s arms were immediately there to hold me as I sobbed out my fear and frustration.
Another nightmare.
Another vision of Jareth finally accomplishing his goal to end me.
“Breathe, Crysta. I’m here. I’m right here. Jareth will never hurt you again. This I promise.”
I clung to him as I let his calm, comforting presence wash away the residual effects of my dream.
Damn, I was tired!
These recurring nightmares coupled with my intense, magical education had exhausted me.
The last three weeks had passed in a haze of various glamour spells, specific elemental spells, and a few defensive spells, though I was extremely shaky on those last ones. Kheelan was incredibly patient with me as I did my best to memorize the strange wording of the incantations and became more comfortable with the ebb and flow of magic within my core. Some spells required more amounts of power than others, and learning how to summon just the right amount was like learning how to use the gas and the brake pedals when driving a car.
Cars.
For some reason, I didn’t think that kind of machinery was part of my world, and that thought didn’t make any sense to me. I could visualize a truck, an SUV, even a Jeep, but I had no recollection of driving them. Did faerie princesses have trucks? The idea seemed absolutely ludicrous to me. When I’d asked Kheelan about it, his eyes had widened in surprise and he had to take a moment to collect himself before answering my question.
Apparently, some of my education had taken place in the human realm where cars were available.
The human realm. There was more than one realm.
Yikes.
I was quickly learning that my magic wasn’t the only thing I would have to revisit.
And then these nightmares…
After the first week of living in the mine with Kheelan, the dreams began. Shadows chased me through a creepy forest or an old stairwell—or any scary setting my imagination was capable of concocting—attacking me, and killing me. Every once in a while I caught a hint of the shadow’s true face. He looked alarmingly like Kheelan.
Until tonight, when I saw all of him for the first time.
Jareth.
The first night I woke up in a cold sweat I told Kheelan about my dream. He held me close and said I was reliving the attack on my life.
Before the nightmares, Kheelan had slept in the adjoining room, but the dreams became so horrific, I eventually begged him to sleep next to me so I wouldn’t feel so alone. The first night he held me, I only had a few nightmares. The second night, I only dealt with one. After the third night, the nightmares came only once in a while, maybe every other night or so.
His presence at my side was the only thing keeping me grounded and safe.
Needless to say, Kheelan and I became even more close as the days wore on.
Chuck absolutely hated it. He managed to accidentally light Kheelan’s clothes on fire on three separate occasions, usually on the tail end of a long night of cuddling. I found my familiar’s behavior incredibly confusing. Hadn’t Chuck spent enough time with Kheelan before I lost my memory to know he was the best thing for me?
“I think it’s because Jareth and I look so much alike,” Kheelan said, when I finally brought it up. “Chuck was in the room when Jareth attacked you.”
Made sense, I suppose. Maybe Chuck thought if one brother had the potential to attack me then the other one did as well.
Chuck will eventually get over it. There’s no denying the feelings developing between me and Kheelan.
Yet as close as we’d become, I still didn’t initiate anything physical other than cuddling. No matter how often I was tempted to take things further, deep down, I just knew I had to wait…for something. A sign maybe? A memory of what we once were? I didn’t know, but I was certain I would recognize whatever I was waiting for once it came my way.
And Kheelan still remained unfailingly patient. After the third week passed, I finally admitted to myself that I had strong feelings for him.
But I still held myself back because…I didn’t know why.
I was still waiting.
Despite my reservations, my magic was coming along nicely, and Kheelan believed I’d be ready to perform the marriage spell within a few more days.
I had three goals at this point: get my memories back and increase my powers so I could defend myself…and…perform the marriage bond.
Unfortunately, the various spells Kheelan used to try and retrieve my memories hadn’t produced the results we wanted.
He hadn’t been able to give me back my memories, but he hadn’t given up either. Every morning before training, he placed his hands on my shoulders, rested his forehead against mine, and worked a few new spells in hopes that my mind would heal and my memory would return.
Each time he failed, I sensed his guilt and sorrow. It was easy to ignore my disappointment when all I could think about was easing his frustration.
The fact that he was trying to help me get those memories back was enough for me. I was overcome with affection, affection that grew more vibrant with each passing day. It both amazed and scared me.
And that’s really what my life revolved around. An eventual marriage to Kheelan, an eventual return of my powers, and an eventual return of my memories. They were all I could think about. The only things I focused on.
My father frequently came to visit us but never stayed very long, always running off to counsel with ambassadors of different races. I enjoyed the sweet moments we spent together, but that underlying guilt my dad carried weighed heavily upon all our interactions.
I once tried to reassure him that the assassination attempt on my life wasn’t his fault. He had to stop blaming himself, but he s
hrugged my words off and tried to change the subject. Fortunately, that subject revolved around my mother, what she was like, and how much she loved me. Many times my father cursed my uncle for the part he’d played in my mother’s death even though he never gave me any specifics as to where, when, and how.
It didn’t stop me from cursing my uncle as well.
Then that haunted expression would show up, making it difficult to look at him without being overcome by his grief.
There were moments when I felt grateful for the many meetings he had to attend. It gave me time to catch my breath and prepare for more interactions charged with intense emotion.
Kheelan brought me out of my musings with a soft kiss to my temple.
“Try to get more sleep, Crysta. I’ll hold you all night if that’s what it takes.”
I nodded and relaxed into him as he pulled me down and tucked my head under his chin. I let the steady sound of his breathing lull me back into a much more peaceful sleep.
Sitting in front of the hearth, I watched the mesmerizing dance of the fire’s flames. It was soothing, lulling me into a state of peaceful respite while I scratched Chuck just behind the ears. I tried to clear my mind of worries and doubts, fears and possible failures. Being cooped up in this tiny dwelling, a dwelling carved into the rock of a mine, was starting to drive me a little crazy. It was easy to get stuck in my head, mulling over what ifs and what might have beens without having any clue as to how I would handle participating in a war with people I couldn’t even remember.
“What are you thinking about?” Kheelan asked as I continued to stare at the hypnotic movements of the fire.
I sighed, reluctant to voice my thoughts.
“Nothing. I’m just tired.”
Kheelan pulled up another chair next to mine, sat down, and grabbed hold of my hand.
Chuck gave him a dirty look, but didn’t growl at him this time.
Progress.
“I know being stuck down here isn’t easy. I know the training we’ve been doing hasn’t been easy either. I’m sorry you still can’t remember me.”
I bit my lip, trying not to cry. He had a real knack for triggering that emotion in me. I blubbered a lot around him.
It was super annoying.
“The defensive spells have been harder to get a handle on. Honestly, I think I would feel safer if you taught me some spells that would allow me to attack anyone who threatens me. I can only hold a protective shield for so long. Like five seconds.”
Kheelan was silent for a moment before he spoke.
“You’re worried about Jareth again. Why? Is it because of the nightmare you had last night?”
I pulled my hand from his, noting how shaky it was, and wishing my weaknesses weren’t so apparent. I think I was starting to lose it.
“I don’t know who I am, Kheelan,” I said. “I’ve heard what you’ve told me, what my responsibilities will be, what my role in this war will be, but that woman you’re describing and the woman I really am are worlds apart. I haven’t mastered my magic yet, I can’t remember anything about my life before a few weeks ago, I can’t remember you or that I once loved you.” I swallowed down more unwanted emotion, but couldn’t stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks. “I can’t do this. I don’t think I can do this.”
Kheelan quickly knelt before me, looking up at me with eyes that shone bright with confidence, bright with a conviction that I didn’t possess.
“I know that there is nothing but a dark void where your memories are concerned. You can’t find yourself through the darkness and it’s terrifying. Please understand that while you may not remember who you are, I certainly do. I know what you are capable of, Crysta. Let me be the one to guide you. Trust me when I say you can do this.” He reached up to cup my cheek, brushing tears away with his thumb. “I have more faith in you than you’ll ever know. Let me be your memory. See yourself through my eyes until you find your way again.”
I couldn’t hold it in any longer. My sobs shook my body as Kheelan pulled me from the chair and onto his lap, stroking my face and whispering comforting words. He rocked me back and forth, kissing my forehead and offering me that extra support I needed. It took some time, but once I finally calmed down I felt a million times better.
All that tension and sorrow had been expelled, leaving me a little wrung out, but mentally less troubled than before. As long as I had Kheelan by my side, I would be able to handle anything.
It suddenly occurred to me that losing him wouldn’t just make me sad, it would absolutely devastate me. I wouldn’t survive it. The very thought of it caused me to tighten my grip on his forearms.
“What is it?” he asked. He brushed a strand of hair from my face and lifted my chin.
“What will happen once this war begins and you are fighting? What if you’re hurt? What if you’re killed?”
His soft gaze took in my worried expression and a smile slowly spread across his face.
“Would you care if anything happened to me?”
I looked at him like he was insane.
“Of course I would. I wouldn’t be able to stand it if anything happened to you.”
“Why?”
I blinked in surprise. I couldn’t vocalize what he’d come to mean to me over the last few weeks. It felt too raw, new, and uncertain.
“You are special to me. I…you’re my family.”
“Family…like a brother?”
I rolled my eyes in exasperation.
“Don’t be an idiot. You know I don’t consider you a brother.”
His wide grin made me laugh, which is what I think he was trying for in the first place. He was very good at making me laugh.
“A cousin, maybe?” He inched his face a little closer.
“No,” I said. “I don’t consider you a cousin.”
He lowered his head an inch closer so that our lips were mere centimeters apart.
“A lover?”
I swallowed hard, staring at his lips and fighting back the overwhelming desire to take them with my own. I’d kept him at arm’s length in this respect, always finding a way to lighten the mood when things got too serious between us. He never got angry with me. He’d just give me a knowing look, a patient smile, and allow me to direct the conversation down a different path. I knew I could do that right now, skirt the issue and make the tension between us disappear, but I didn’t want to anymore. I was tired of waiting for whatever it was my heart seemed to be holding on to. Making a decision I hoped I wouldn’t eventually regret, I slowly moved forward until our lips were barely touching and held still.
His warm breath heated my face as his arms tightened around me.
“Crysta,” he said in a low murmur before softly pressing his lips to mine.
Warmth spread through me, a slow steady burn that tingled across my skin and caused a low moan to escape my lips. Kheelan deepened the kiss in response and held me tight in the security of his arms. I didn’t know what I had been expecting or what I had been afraid of, but Kheelan’s kiss was nice, safe, and comforting.
That’s all I wanted to feel at this point: safe and secure.
Just before we ended our kiss, a pair of bright blue eyes shot through my thoughts like an electric current, causing me to wince in pain. Kheelan sensed my discomfort and pulled back.
He searched my face in confusion.
“Was it too soon, Crysta? We don’t have to do anything further if you’re not ready.”
I blinked away the pain shooting behind the backs of my eyes and shook my head.
“I’m sorry. It wasn’t too soon. It’s just one of those weird headaches creeping up on me again.”
Kheelan’s eyebrows narrowed in concern as he placed his hands on either side of my face and chanted a short spell of healing. The pain subsided almost immediately, and I sank into his arms in relief.
“Thank you,” I whispered.
He stroked my back and kissed my cheek.
“Of course. You know I can’t s
tand to see you in pain.” He pulled back again to look at me. “And as much as I would like to continue kissing you, I think maybe I better not press you for anything more just now. Let’s continue to take things slow until you feel comfortable. Yes?”
I gave him a grateful smile. Allowing him to kiss me had been a huge step for us. It was something I would need to get used to.
“Now then,” he continued, “I believe someone mentioned the desire to learn offensive spells. I happen to know one or two that are highly effective for Winter faeries. Shall we try them out?”
I nodded and allowed him to help me stand. Just then I noticed Chuck wasn’t in the room with us anymore.
Hmmm. He must have hated that kiss.
I quietly chuckled to myself.
“What’s so funny?” Kheelan asked.
“Nothing. I just find Chuck’s absence perfectly planned.”
Kheelan blinked in surprise and cast his eyes about the room before his lips drew up into a smile.
“At least he didn’t set my my tunic on fire this time. I think he’s starting to like me.”
“Again, right? He’s starting to like you again.”
Kheelan stared at me for a moment as if at a loss for words, but quickly recovered.
“Right. Of course. We simply need to repair that bridge of trust between us. Anyway, I think it best if we attempt these spells within the caverns of the mine.”
He held out his hand and waited for me to take it. I smiled shyly as I laced my fingers with his and followed him out the door and into the tunnel. We turned right and continued on for a few minutes until that large cavern with three separate tunnels opened up to us.
Fortunately, my claustrophobia didn’t cause me problems this time. I had to assume Kheelan’s presence had a calming effect on my nerves.
“I think this room should be able to withstand what I have in mind.”
“What exactly are we going to do?”
“Winter faeries have power over the elements of winter, which gives you quite a bit to work with when it comes to weapons in your arsenal. We’re going to do a White Out spell first. Or rather, you are. I can’t summon that kind of elemental magic, but I know the spell involved.”