So many wishes, all meaningless.
When they arrived at the house, Tripp went straight to his room without saying anything and closed the door behind him. Zira started to follow him, but Jared put a hand on her shoulder and shook his head. “I’ve got it. I’ll keep an eye on him.”
She nodded her gratitude, then headed for her own room, picked out some clean clothes, and went to the bathroom to shower. For a minute, she just stood in front of the mirror, staring into the eyes of her own reflection. There was a dull lifelessness in them that made her look ill. Appropriate, considering that was exactly how she felt. She had seen so many awful things. So much death and pain and suffering and violence. It flashed through her mind in quick bursts that sent her heart pounding against her sternum. Her skin grew hot and clammy, and her mouth started to water. She made it to the toilet just in time to avoid vomiting all over the floor.
When she was done throwing up, she rinsed her mouth in the sink, then stripped off her dirty clothes and stepped into the shower. Grime and sweat and blood that wasn’t hers washed off her skin in streaks and disappeared down the drain. She willed the water to wash away some of the fear and pain lodged in her chest as well, but it didn’t seem to help.
She dressed and dried her wet hair with her towel, then padded back down the hall with a pillow and blanket to sleep on the couch. She wanted to check in on Tripp, but he obviously wasn’t in a talking mood right now, and besides, Jared was looking out for him. He’d be fine. Probably.
She closed her eyes for a few seconds, but that just brought back flashes of unpleasant memories, and she snapped them back open. Despite the late hour, she wasn’t all that sleepy. Her body was tired—her limbs ached and her muscles were tense—but she didn’t feel like sleeping. She didn’t feel like doing much of anything, so she just lay there, staring at a spot on the wall in the dark, trying not to think of anything at all.
When the door to Jared and Tripp’s room opened, she sat up. Jared came out backwards, taking care to close the door noiselessly. He flinched when he turned around and saw her sitting there.
“Couldn’t sleep?” she asked.
He shook his head. “No.”
“Me either.”
He went to the kitchen and flicked on the light on his way to the fridge. Zira turned on the couch and watched him as he held the door open for a few moments, then sighed and shut it again. “I guess I’m not hungry, either.”
“Hard to have much of an appetite after…all that.”
He nodded and walked back into the living room. Something about the way he carried himself seemed restless, and instead of sitting on the couch beside her, he took up a position against the wall and crossed his arms.
Neither of them said anything for a few minutes, then Jared broke the silence with a tentative question. “Was that what it was like in Grayridge?”
Zira was surprised he’d made the connection when he’d only heard about the protest through the media’s Project-filtered headlines and her own descriptions of the event. She shrugged one shoulder. “Yes, and no. All the chaos and noise, especially at the beginning—it reminded me of Grayridge. I put a woman on an ambulance today who must have been about the same age Mei was.” She had no idea what had become of the woman, but she could still feel her knobby, blood-slicked fingers around her wrist. “This was worse, though. So much worse.”
His gaze fell. “Right after we got on site, I met this boy. Five, maybe six years old. He was watching a paramedic do CPR on his mom, and he was terrified. They did everything they could to save her, but…” he shook his head, and Zira didn’t need to hear him say it to know what had happened next.
“I’m sorry.”
“There were just so many of them. I would start thinking we’d put the last one in an ambulance, and then there would be someone else even worse off. So many people lost someone today, or they’re sitting in a hospital wondering if their loved one is going to recover.”
Thinking about it in those terms just made the whole thing bigger and so much more devastating. And yet, in an odd way, it gave Zira some sense of relief and gratitude, because at least she hadn’t lost someone today. At least the people she cared about were still here, still safe. Maybe she should feel guilty for being grateful in the midst of so many others’ pain, but she didn’t.
Jared looked up from the floor, and their eyes met. His gaze was unflinching, and his mouth was set in a thin line until he spoke again. “Today was awful, and I don’t want to take away from that. But it made me realize how important it is to tell people what you want to tell them before it’s too late. Especially when you’re in our line of work, when anything could go wrong at any time.” He shook his head and let out a small chuckle. “Same thing I learned after you disappeared in Grayridge, but I guess I needed a reminder.”
Zira’s breath caught in her throat. She could sense where this was going, and she wasn’t sure it was a path either of them were ready to travel. “Jared—”
He acted like he hadn’t heard her, or maybe he was just too focused on saying whatever it was he needed to say to let her distract him. “I still love you, Zira. And maybe I don’t deserve to tell you that after everything I’ve done, but it’s true. We’re not the same people we used to be inside the compound. I thought that would change things, and it has, but not how I feel about you. That’s the one thing that’s always stayed the same. I love you. I think I’ll always love you.”
On instinct, Zira tensed and stood up, ready to run or scream or just do something to shut down the emotions threatening to spill out of the box where she’d locked them away. Jared watched her. His face was hard, stoic, but she knew him well enough to recognize the fear in his eyes. She looked away, unsure of what to say or do and unable to even take stock of her thoughts and feelings while he was looking at her like that.
Her mind threw up its usual defenses, reminders of his previous betrayal and his former loyalty to Ryku. But there were new memories now, strong enough to replace the old ones and form cracks in her resistance. He’d made some mistakes, but so had she. He’d also tried to save Aubreigh. He’d saved Zira’s life on more than one occasion. And since they’d reunited, he’d put forth every effort to make amends for his mistakes without ever asking anything more of her than to just give him a chance to do so.
And he was alive. He was alive when so many other people had died today, and he was right about saying the things that needed to be said before it was too late.
She was tired of resisting, tired of pretending she didn’t care about him. Neither of them were perfect. Their history was messy, and things would never be the way they were before. But they didn’t have to be. And as soon as she admitted that to herself, she realized she didn’t even want them to be. She and Jared had changed, both for the better, and there was no point in trying to erase the past, just as there was no point in trying to deny that she’d grown to love him again somewhere along the way.
She looked at him again but didn’t say anything. What could she say that he hadn’t already expressed so perfectly? Instead, she walked towards him, stopping when her toes were nearly on top of his and electricity seemed to dance wildly in the space between them.
He didn’t move—not until Zira leaned her head against his chest and wrapped her arms around his waist. Slowly, gently, his arms encircled her and drew her closer. His lips pressed gently against the top of her head, and in spite of everything she had seen and experienced that day, a warm, easy contentment settled over her. She looked up into Jared’s deep, dark eyes and felt safe.
He raised a hand to her face, and the pad of his thumb brushed across her lips. “Can I kiss you now?” he asked in a low, husky tone.
Her heartbeat quickened in anticipation. “I wish you would.”
So he did. And in the moment their lips touched, Zira melted into the security of his embrace and allowed herself to forget about everything else.
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
When Jared’s
eyes blinked open the next morning, he became aware of two things at the same time. The first was the pale dawn glow that had probably been responsible for waking him before his CL alarm. Cast through the wide living room windows, it permeated the house with a soft, yellow light. The second sensation he was aware of was the weight of Zira’s head on his chest and the soft press of her palm against his ribcage as he breathed in and out.
He was careful not to move too much so as not to disturb her sleep. They’d been awake talking for most of the night. At some point, Jared had stretched out to lean against the corner of the couch between the armrest and the back cushions, and Zira had relaxed against him as they drifted off to sleep. His arm still draped over her shoulder to rest on her forearm. He ran his fingertips lightly over her skin, still in some disbelief that any of the previous night’s events had been real.
As he looked at her, he was struck by how small she was. Despite seeing her every day for the past several months, he had forgotten somehow. She’d grown so much since the day he met her—not physically, but the subtle changes in her character seemed to have had an effect on the way she carried herself so that she seemed larger and stronger than she really was. But here, in his arms, peaceful and relaxed, she was small. Small and fierce and strong and real.
Jared smiled, but the blissful feeling didn’t last long in the brightening daylight. Doubts began to cloud his thoughts. What if she changed her mind? Perhaps it had been a mistake to tell her how he felt last night after all the horrors they’d both seen, when they were both still raw and vulnerable. What if she had only wanted comfort? What if she woke up and realized this had all been a mistake?
Before he could ponder the matter any further, Tripp emerged from their room, yawning. He froze when he spotted his two friends lounging on the couch together, and Jared tensed as he waited for the other man’s reaction.
Tripp’s eyes darted between them. A sly, crooked smirk tugged at the corners of his mouth as he raised an eyebrow. He didn’t say anything, and after looking at Jared a few seconds longer, he simply walked past them and headed into the kitchen to start making breakfast.
Jared relaxed a little. He wasn’t sure what Zira’s reaction would have been if Tripp were displeased with these new developments between the two of them, but it probably wouldn’t have been a good one.
She stirred under his arm, then sucked in a breath and tilted her head to look up at him. He planted a kiss on her forehead, and when she closed her eyes and snuggled closer to him, all the concerns he’d had melted away. He shouldn’t have doubted. She wasn’t one to let her guard down on a whim, and if she’d let it down for him, she knew what she was doing and what she wanted.
He smiled back at her. “Good morning.”
“Good morning,” she replied.
“Good morning,” Tripp said brightly from the kitchen. “Would anyone like some toast?”
Zira’s cheeks flushed, and she immediately pushed herself off Jared’s chest and stood up. “No. Thanks.”
“Oh, don’t get up on my account,” said Tripp. “I can pretend I didn’t see anything, if it helps.”
Zira tucked her pillow and blanket under her arm and headed back to her room without another word. Jared stood up, stretched, and went into the kitchen to get his own breakfast. Tripp was still chuckling quietly to himself as he cracked three eggs into a pan on the stove. He gave Jared a sidelong glance. “Congratulations.”
“Yeah. Just please don’t say that to Zira.”
“Really? Because based on her reaction to some mild teasing just now, I thought it might be fun to throw a party to announce your relationship to the world.”
Jared suppressed a grin. He could only imagine what Zira’s reaction to that would be. “It’s probably better if we don’t even call it a relationship yet.”
“My lips are sealed. And I’ll try my best to keep the teasing to a minimum. Toast?”
“Sure.” He filled a glass with water and took a long drink, then turned back to Tripp. “So…you’re not going to give me some big-brother lecture about taking care of her or not breaking her heart again or anything like that?”
“Do I need to? Zira makes her own decisions about people—you know that. I trust her judgment, and I trust you’re smart enough not to make the same mistakes twice.”
“I am.”
“Good.” He handed Jared two slices of toast and went back to cooking his eggs. “Honestly, it’s nice just to have something to be happy about around here. It’s been a while.”
He was right. Between the hostage crisis, Ryku’s escape, Cedric’s murder, and yesterday’s bombings, they’d taken a series of hard blows. Any glimmer of joy or hope they managed to seize in the midst of all of it was a gift, but it still wasn’t enough. They all needed more than just a glimmer of hope. The entire country did, and that couldn’t happen as long as Ryku and the PRM had the power to terrorize the nation.
“We’ll find him,” said Jared.
“I know. We have to.”
* * *
Zira held Jared’s hand in the car on the way to work, but when they got out to walk inside, she didn’t take it again. Not that he had expected her to. She wouldn’t be Zira if she weren’t a little skittish about displaying affections in public. Just to be on the safe side, he put a few more inches of space between them as they walked to the building.
She opted to skip their usual morning drills so they could focus all their time and attention on dealing with the aftermath of the bombings. Just minutes after they reached their workstations, Alma let out a sharp whistle from the doorway of her office and waited until she had everyone’s attention. “President Bradshaw’s people just sent me something I want you all to see. I’m going to put it up on the projectors. It hasn’t gone out to the public yet, but I’m sure it’s only a matter of time.”
She went back to her office and bent over her computer. The projectors around the room went blank for a moment, then a man appeared against a white backdrop. Jared’s shoulders tensed, and he crossed his arms over his chest as he stared at his old mentor’s face. Ryku looked as poised as ever in a stiff black jacket, his arms clasped behind him as he faced the camera with his chin raised and his posture straight and still. He even wore a PEACE Project chairman’s armband around his left arm, black with a single white star in the middle.
“My dear citizens,” he began in a low, even tone. “It is with profound disappointment and deep regret that I address you all today. One year ago, a group of radicals led by Chase Bradshaw and Angela Yang attacked our nation to usurp our government and bring anarchy and disorder to this country. For one year, these traitors have led you down a path of failure and incompetence. For one year, they have given you only empty promises and unfulfilled aspirations. Enough is enough.
“Yesterday’s attacks were a response to the failure of our citizens to stand up to this Republic and restore the PEACE Project as the true government of our great nation. I regret the loss of so many lives, but it’s time for everyone to realize that there will be devastating consequences for anyone who continues to support these radicals.”
Ryku paused for a moment, and his brows settled low over his dark eyes as he stared intently into the camera. “As the only remaining chairman of the PEACE Project, I am the rightful leader of this country, and I will hold that position again before I let another year pass under the unlawful rule of the Republic. You all have a critical choice to make. You can choose to be on the right side of history, or you can choose to keep fighting a useless battle that will only result in more destruction and needless death. If you are willing to support our cause, if you are willing to stand up and do the right thing, the PEACE Restoration Movement would welcome your assistance.”
The video ended. Alma stepped out of her office again as murmurs spread throughout the ranks.
Tripp leaned over to Jared. “He’s always been an arrogant jerk, but you would think prison might have knocked him down a few pegs.”
At least somebody was taking this in good humor. Or trying to.
“Okay, everyone,” Alma called out. “Quiet down. I know that was unsettling, but we need to figure out what we’re going to do about it. What happened yesterday can’t happen again. We need to find him as soon as possible.”
She looked over at Jared, Zira, and Tripp when she said this, and soon everyone else was looking at them, too. They were supposed to be the experts on Ryku. That was the whole reason they’d been asked to join SIO in the first place. Jared wracked his brain for a solution. He couldn’t think of one, except for continuing to follow the leads they already had. But time was not on their side, and they had no way of knowing which leads would pan out and which would just be dead ends. The PRM was huge, with different cells and factions all over the country. Ryku could be among any one of them.
No, not any of them. The True PRM had broken Ryku out of prison while the rest of the terrorist organization had been largely unaware they were even part of the scheme. If Ryku was with anyone, he was with those who sought not only to restore the PEACE Project, but to restore him as the Project’s sole chairman.
Jared remembered something from the interrogation tapes of the hostage-takers who’d been captured—something that had come up over and over again in their explanation of the event. They never meant to hurt anyone. They just wanted to send a message. They would never harm innocent people. And yet yesterday, thousands of innocent people had been killed and injured by the PRM’s explosions. What had changed? Or had the entire attack been planned and executed by True PRM alone?
He continued his train of thought out loud before he even fully registered he was doing it. “What if we pit them against each other?”
Alma shook her head. “I can’t hear you. Speak up.”
Jared backed up and started again in a louder voice. “The PRM has always been divided. They have cells all over the country, but there are two larger groups—the PRM, and the ones that call themselves the True PRM. What if we pit them against each other?”
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