Darkness

by F. Bradshaw

  I would not be able to kill him. I would not touch him. I ran for the fence. I desired him. Did they program me for this? The fence in sight I let myself breathe again. There would be no sorry in this life if it finally ended. I should have done this after they brought me back. I should have done this before I went to live with my grandparents. I had the knife in my hand at my wrist. I had taken everything from everyone. They had told me as much. It would have been a blessing. I have always been a curse.

  I gripped the fence trying to pull myself over. It seared my flesh. Unable to hold on I let go. I could dig under it. The dirt and rocks were easy to move. The fence was down deep. The more I dug, the more I made a shallow grave. If I lay here, would my body rot? Rocks cut open my hands moving the drug into my system. Burning from the inside out, I lay down in the hole. Nowhere to go and nothing left of life I pulled the dirt and rocks over me. I relaxed as I let the calmness of the earth fill me, and the drug burned deeper inside. This is where I wanted to be left for all eternity. I belonged in hell and fire was a part of it. My mind finally took him in. Ryan.

  The way his warm eyes looked into my darkness, my soul. The touch of his lips forcefully on mine. His beating heart as we got closer. The feeling of his hands soft but slightly calloused. His soft, simple human touch had brought more life to me than I had realized. I could still feel his thumb on my wrist moving gently back and forth. All the things I wanted to do to him kept replaying in my mind. I had to think of something else.

  Chapter 14

  Hell is being unable to move, to speak, to be alive but reliving everything. The desires called me asking me to come to them. Take him. It was a simple request. I was made to take him. The weight of what I had done fell upon me. I had almost killed him. Instead, I had killed who knows how many cows. The cold ground was comfortable but not heavy enough. I could feel all the life around me. Every flap of a wing echoed to me, their hearts beating as they kept their distance from me.

  I may be immobilized, but I was not dead. I let the blood finally take hold of me. I let it bring warmth and darkness. The sun that warmed the cow, a memory caught in the blood flowed into me. It was as if I had been in the sun taking it in. The way it smelled… the grass. Blood was more than just food. It was life. The drug stilled my body with a raging fire coursing through me. The earth seemed to pull everything from my corpse. Time stopped. I was caught in the in between. Just like the last time.

  A rush of warm crossed over my hand. Let me rot here. I wanted to pull myself deeper into the earth and stay here. This was the place I belonged. I was dead, after all. Hands embraced my motionless body followed by arms. The smell of him rolled into me. The warmth of daylight caressed my body stealing the last of the warmth of the blood. Fire of the drug moved faster through my blood as it thickened. His heart was beating fast and feverously. Ryan.

  Slowly he pulled me from my shallow grave. His blood renewed the air. The same rocks that cut me had cut him. It was less tempting this time now that it was mixed with the drug. He pulled my body from the hole. My head pounded like a bad hangover. The world was unwelcoming. Why not just leave me there? I could hear screaming. Was he screaming or was I?

  I needed to stay far away from Ryan. He was too tempting. I would kill him. I have to shut down. I cannot feel anything for him! I cannot let him get close to me again! Darkness was all the same to me. Killer. I am a killer. I will do to him just what I did to everyone else. The blood, mud, and drug swept across my face with his hand.

  He touched me so gently that I was not sure if it were due to the injury, or because he was trying not to hurt me. His smell fanned into me blooming desire again. Temptation is the only thing he is. I could not move let alone fight him. Ryan scooped me into his arms so carefully as though I would break. I was already broken, though.

  The drug and grave were the closest I had come to death in this new life. The scar was gone from my death. Last time they shocked me back. What had I experienced in that first death? Why could it not stay eternal? I opened my eyes to light blinding me again. I really need some sunglasses. My body was heavy and encumbering his walk. My shirt drank in the blood coming from his hand. He walked to, what I could make out from bobbing up and down in his arms, one of the four runners. He laid me down onto the seat.

  “I got her, although we may need the kit”

  Great. They had a way to bring me back. Why bother? What was worth redeeming? He lifted my body as he sat down in the driver’s seat. I tried to look at his face, but my body was still not cooperating with me. I wanted to run… to get away from him. He made me want to die. No, he made me feel. That was the problem. The disappointment in me was something I had expected when I was left like a diseased creature by my mom. They did not hate me. She embraced me lovingly but was clear about it.

  “Emily, I am very disappointed in your actions. You hurt your sister and almost killed the both of you. I am glad you’re alive, but you will face consequences for your actions.” Her brown eyes looked at me with something more than I had gotten used to with my mom. Did she really love me? Could she have loved me? Why her? Why both of them?

  “Hang on, Emily. We will be back to the house soon. How could you do that? Are you that stupid?” Did he really think I could answer him? I felt one of his arms wrapped around me holding me close to him. She had held me close to her. He moved his fingers over my side trying to wake and comfort me. Papa just hugged me when I walked in and then went back to his coffee sitting on the back porch. That was his universal fix for everything. Coffee.

  “It was just a little slip up and some blood. Nothing that you should have done that over!” The tone of his voice was filled with quieted rage. His face was full of concern. Was he concerned about me? Did he really care that much for me? It was his job to tempt me, to get me to kill him, so why did he care?

  “I am fine, and you did not have to try to kill yourself. We belong together. You are not going to kill me. I know you a lot better than you think. God fucking damn it, why can’t you just trust me? Why can’t you accept me as part of your life? Why don’t you listen to me?” He clenched my body closer to him. What did he expect? I could still taste his blood every time I thought of him. I desired it more and more. Who is tempting whom?

  The ride seemed relentless as we drove through the pasture. The odor of dead cows drenched my body. The smell of him became extinct with the death that coated the air. How many had I killed? Who would die next?

  “Why did you have to do that? Run off and try to die?” Sadness crept in with his steeled anger in his voice. Was he afraid of losing me? No, this is not happening. He is making the wrong choice. He can’t choose me. He does not belong with a monster like me. Ryan cannot fall for something that is cold, lifeless, disgusting, and dead.

  He stopped the vehicle abruptly. We were not close to the house so why did he stop? Sniffled breaths broke with quiet sobs. If my heart were beating, this would have killed it. It would stop stone dead. What was this? Some sort of mind game? He pulled me into his lap resting one hand on my hip and the other curled around my shoulder. My forehead rested on his neck. What was his game?

  A tear traced his face trailing down to me. Why was he crying? He was uninjured. Another tear flowed down his cheek so quickly following the wet path it fell upon my face. The warm liquid burned into me leaving me expressionless. The knuckles of his hand gently stroked my face grazing my cheeks. He pulled my face back from his neck looking at me with an intense stare.

  He extended out his fingers brushing against my cheek lightly. Blood and drugs mixed into each sensual touch. Ryan ran his thumb over my lips pushing lightly yet with force. His body relaxed into me making me feel his lasting embrace. I dreamed about being held like this. Someone pulling me into them making me part of them. I missed being touched, the feeling of someone’s gentle hand warming my face or rubbing my back.

  Ryan moved closer to me looking me in the eyes as his lips found mine. The wave of passion rolled from him to me, c
laiming me. This was what we both wanted, but how could he see me as more than a monster? He said he wanted my brown eyes. He did not truly see me. If he did not see me, then how could he love and care about me? A voice crackled over the radio asking where we were. He called back that we were on our way. He left me lying in his lap as he sped back to the house. The boys were waiting for us on the porch. They rushed down to pick me up off him.

  “I have her. I will take care of her.” Jake stepped up toward Ryan. Ryan pulled me closer to him.

  “No, I have her. Just get me the kit.” Ryan commanded them, but Jake, with his old man gruff, just picked me up.

  “I will take her where you want her, but we should take care of those cuts first.” Jake’s voice was warm brimming with sincerity. Jake carried me as if I were the weight of a rag doll.

  “Put her in my bathroom, in the tub.”

  Jake edged into the door and rounded the hallway keeping me close to him. I felt protected in his arms. Yelling voices hushed trailing after us as we moved through his bedroom to the bathroom. He turned on the light slightly adjusting me in his arms. Jake gingerly set me in the tub and closed the door behind him. The burning turned to numbness trailing through my lifeless limbs. The drug was wearing off. The door flung open with force slamming into the wall.

  Chapter 15

  “Stay out of here! It is my business, and you can all go to hell!” Ryan slammed the door shut. They obviously had been trying to talk him out of coming in the room with me. Failure prevailed this night. The tub held me and my muddy, drugged clothes. Arms dangled over the edges of the oversized claw-foot tub. His feet padded along the floor pacing back and forth, but no closer to me.

  His fingers laced in and out of his hair. I wanted to trail my fingers through it, to feel the skin move as I would forcefully push in. He draped his arms to his side as he approached me. Lightly, the tips of his fingers trailed down my arms toward my stomach. Fingers bunched around the edge of my shirt, and he pulled my body forward and upward as he quickly removed it. My bra, bloody, was left intact. He snaked his hands around my abdomen pulling me up as he slid my pants off leaving my underwear mostly in place. He rested me against the tub pulling the pants off my legs tossing them to the floor.

  His hand slid over the inside arches of my feet. They were muddy and disgusting, but he touched them with such tenderness. Quickly, he pulled them to his lips, kissing each one. Desire shot to me as he affectionately squeezed them before laying them down. His hand carved up my right leg toward my panties. Ryan’s fingers slipped under the edge of the hem at my thighs moving his hand over my ass straightening them.

  His body lingered over me looking and assessing me. His hand turned on the knob for the hot water. The balminess of the water slowly saturated me. The coldness that filled my veins and body struggled against this warmth. His tenderness was what I desired.

  “Ryan, you have to get out of here.” I said it slowly as my body was still heavy and mostly unwilling to move.

  “I am not going anywhere. How could you do that? It was a little blood and broken skin. It is nothing.” His hands up in the air showed the reddish drying blood. I opened my mouth attempting to make him understand. Ryan’s lips encased mine silencing me. He pulled my drugged body halfway from the water to meet his.

  The passion rose again. Temptation is what Ryan is. The water felt so thin against my skin. My body felt weightless. The bath full of hot water had his blood mixed in. My senses were running amuck again. Part of me wanted to open a vein right there and finish what I started downstairs. The other part just wanted him. He laid me back into the water shutting it off.

  Ryan pulled off his shirt and tossed it briskly aside. His fingers quickly undid his belt, and I made no more movements to stop him. Why should I? I wanted him, and he wanted me. Lie to me. World, just lie to me. He pulled off his pants quickly leaving only his black boxer briefs on. His body was defined, but not overly, as I once thought it was.

  I liked the way he looked. Somehow, it was more real this way. His arms wrapped me into another embrace, and his mouth pinned mine down. Our teeth clashed in an attempt to consume each other. He desired me. Half my desire was for him and half for his blood as I greedily took what I could from him, just short of his blood.

  His tongue curled with mine moving trying to get enough of the other pulling me closer to him, closer to everything I wanted. The warm water trickled down my back from my wet hair. Everything in my body awakened with desire for him. His warm lips locked against mine. I wanted to move. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and not let go.

  His body was so warm, so inviting. The drugs held fast. He pulled away quickly dropping me to the tub. My body crashed down splashing water everywhere. Ryan was gasping for air, breathing in quickly. He had to breathe. I should have thought about it. Our bodies and lips already apart calling us back to each other.

  “I have to remember that I need air.” He panted out with deep breaths hands on his thighs trying desperately to suck in enough air. I watched as his chest rose and fell. His heart was still racing from our encounter.

  The intangible connection called us both. I wanted to move, to race over and be with him, but the drugs kept me from moving. I wanted his touch, his embrace more than his blood. Could it stay that way? Could I keep myself from killing him? He came back to me still trying to catch his breath. I was lying there floating in the water not able to move.

  His hand reached for mine interlocking our fingers for a moment. His thumb traced the palm of my hand as though he were thinking about something. His thumb moved over my wrist again. I could feel it pulsate against my skin. Hunger still lingering, but the warmth of his skin cooling against my body fueled my desire for him more. His blood dripped ever so slowly into the water. He pulled my body close to his. His skin instantly reddened from the touch of water. He cupped one hand to fill it with water as he washed the dirt, blood, and drugs from my face.

  He trailed his fingers after my face when he was done. Slowly, he released my body back to the tub. I sank into finding a temporary release. His blood renewed the air with its scent. It was drawing me in. I closed my eyes trying to focus only on his touch. His fingers stretched out against my cheek pushing into my hair and then back to the water again each time heating the desire between us more.

  “I want to-”

  “No. I am all but dead here. Right now I am high and mostly unmoving.” I worked hard to say each word. I was not smooth in my rejection. We both wanted something that I was not sure I would be capable. Neither of us could do anything about it right now. I needed to know more and not want to rip him apart in the process.

  “Then we will just lay here for a while.”

  “It is fine with me, but you know what will happen.” It took everything in me just to get the words out.

  His arms encircled me pulling me from the tub. Green eyes glared at me with desire. He slipped his body behind me holding me close. The warmth of his arms burned into me. Desire beat in with the feeling of his heart against his back. Moving forward and back with each breath, I felt his need for me. His chin rested on my shoulder stealing kisses at my neck, each one asking me to surrender to him. His toes ran up the length of the arch of my foot stirring my body. The water was a thin barrier between our open skins. It both warmed and thrilled me, or was it him?

  Both of us lay suspended in desire and pain. I would always bring pain. Why could he not see what everyone else did? I wanted to sink into his embrace and forget everything else. Why would he ever choose a monster? Damaged, broken, and unfixable was all I was and could ever be. The only two people who knew or thought I could be different were dead. It was my fault. Just like the reason I went to live with them. My body tensed remembering them. I caused them pain. I was the reason they died. I broke everything I touched. If he keeps at this, I would break him, too. Could I take that? Take another loss? When would it ever be enough?

  “Just let go of it. Relax against me, with me. I am here
for you,” he whispered as he kissed my temple. Bringing his arm across my body and holding my shoulder, he locked me into a solid embrace. He was not letting go. I could let go. I let his warmth fill me in a place that was hollow. The cold would return as it always did but right now, I was free. He slowly stroked my arms with his fingers weaving over them. A kiss at my neck and he settled me against his chest. Peace. This was my moment of peace. The hunger still there, still just below the skin, waiting to escape. The desire for his flesh and soul had control but for how long?

  Chapter 16

  Time slithered away stealing his warmth and my resolve. His body began to shiver and goose bumps formed. He pressed me closer to him not wanting to let go. I didn’t want to let go. The closer we would become, the closer to death he would be. Fuck the consequences! He wanted this, and so did I. He moved his arm to loosen the grip as he stretched and shivered at the same time. I pulled his hand around my waist. The drugs dulled the ache of hunger for his blood and my movements.

  Ryan moved his hand to lay flat against me. I turned my head and brushed my lips against his. The warmth they still held made me desire to consume them. He moaned against the kiss, and I invaded his mouth. This was a no hostage kiss. Ryan cradled my head deepening the kiss meeting my tongue stroke for stroke. He breathed into each kiss taking me deeper into him. I turned my body onto his. My body welcomed him in any way it could have him.

  “Em, you sure about this?”

  “Yes, fuck everything else.”

  I meant every word. The past, the future, the world… everything and everyone could fuck off! I needed this and wanted it even more. My thighs tighten around him trying to pull him closer to me. I needed to feel him. His hand move to the small of my back trailing down my spine sending electric shock of need through me. I was unable to hold still trying to create friction between us.