by Shea Lynn
“Dayna, are you still there?” I asked.
I heard Nina’s laughter over the phone. “Hey Sid, I have to go now. Nina’s waiting on me. And we’ve got company.”
Company? She had company? She never had company.
“Well….can you call me later?” I asked.
The laughter got louder and I could tell she was distracted. “I’ll try,” she replied.
I sighed, “Okay.”
We ended the call and I stood there, wondering if I should go and apologize to my husband.
I knew that I should. I also knew that a tension had been building in me where he was concerned. My patience with him was growing thin and none of it had anything to do with him
I stood there for the longest before I realized I couldn’t apologize to him. Instead, I headed into the bathroom for a long, hot shower. As the water washed over me, I ran my hands down my stomach, my thighs, grazed the coarse-haired guarded triangle at the juncture of my hips and remembered the feel of Dayna’s touch on my skin. The more I soaped and washed and tried to relax, the more worried I became.
I turned off the water and dried my skin before throwing on a layer of lotion, brushing my teeth and slipping into a pair of gray jogging pants and a matching gray top.
By the time I was fully dressed, the kids had been bathed and put to bed by Aaron. I stopped by their rooms on my way out. Aiden was asleep, snoring softly on his bed. Devann was on top of her comforter, coloring in a book about Egyptian princesses. I hugged her tightly and kissed her little forehead.
“I’m running out for a minute. I’ll be right back,” I said.
Devann’s little scarf-clad head nodded in response. “Okay. I love you, Mommy.”
“Love you, too Sweetie.”
“Will you come check on me?” she asked.
“Of course. I check on you every night. I’ll see you in a little while, okay?”
“Okay,” she replied.
She’d gone back to coloring then. Her little brow furrowed intensely.
Aaron was the last stop. He was lying back on the couch, watching television and I could tell by the slight twist in his lips that he was simmering from me snapping at him.
“Aaron, I’m going out for a little while. I’ll be right back.”
He nodded.
Guilt consumed me and I sighed. “Aaron?”
My husband finally looked over at me.
“I’m sorry about earlier. I didn’t mean to yell at you.”
“I know. It’s cool,” he said.
“Is it really?” I asked.
His eyes told me he forgave me. They were warm and loving and he gave me a soft smile that I couldn’t help but return.
“It’s really cool. Where you going?” he asked.
I swallowed thickly and lied through my teeth. “The store. You need anything?”
He thought for a moment. “Umm, yeah. I’m all out of TangySweets. Can you pick me up a couple of boxes?”
TangySweets were Aaron’s favorite candy. He’d been addicted to the little chewy balls with the tangy-tart centers for as long as I’d known him.
“You’re still eating those things?” I asked.
“Yeah. I like to munch on ‘em when I’m programming. Help’s calm my nerves.”
“Well, they’re gonna help you get fitted for dentures at thirty-eight. I can’t believe you’re still eating them.”
He just grinned. “It’s a very mild addiction. Nothing to worry about.”
Must be nice to have an addiction that’s only mild instead of the Dayna one I had that was all-consuming.
We shared a laugh before I headed out to the garage. It was nice to laugh with him. That was rare. It felt almost like normal.
The smile faded the moment I slipped into my red dragon. Red Dragon was the pet name I used for my red car. It was a full-sized sedan, but it was fast and it was crimson and made me feel like the most powerful thing on asphalt.
I parked a little ways up from Dayna’s house in the first available spot I could find on the street. As I approached, the anxiety that had come to make its home in my chest began to mushroom.
Cameron’s car was parked in her driveway.
Chapter Eighteen: Dayna
When my doorbell rang that night, I looked over at Cameron and narrowed my eyes in confusion.
“I’ll be right back,” I said
“You want me to come with you?” he asked.
I shook my head and headed downstairs as the bell sounded again. I was only half-surprised to see Sidney standing there on my porch.
I had barely pulled the door closed behind me when she hoarsely whispered, “Dayna, talk to me. Please.”
I could see the hurt in her eyes under the glow from the porch light. Her gaze flickered over to the car parked in my driveway before it returned to me. “Is Cameron staying here, now?”
“He’s inside. We’re talking, Sid.”
She nodded. I could almost see the synapses in her brain firing; trying to figure out the right words and the right protocol for this situation. He was my husband, but he wasn’t her. Though neither of us could give voice to what ‘us’ meant, it felt wrong that he was there. Like I was cheating on her.
“Talking?” she asked. “And you were talking earlier, right?”
I nodded. “Yes.”
When she spoke next, her words were trembling with worry, her eyes floating in a sea of tears. “Was what I said really so bad? So bad you had to go home and call him?”
I wanted to touch her. Caress her. Absorb her pain. I forgot all about him. About the car in the driveway and the pretense I was under. When I moved toward her, she stepped back.
Her movement surprised me and I swallowed thickly. I closed my eyes before I spoke, hoping to center myself. “I didn’t go running home and call him. But let’s be honest here. What you didn’t say spoke volumes. You said it yourself, all logical conclusions lead away from you and me. And maybe you’re right. Maybe it’s time - - -,” I began.
It was as if I was speaking words that were written on a piece of paper. My emotions were absent, tied up and placed in a box at the back of my soul.
“Time for what?” she asked.
I met her gaze and whispered. “Maybe it’s time to end it.”
She tilted her head in way that let me know she was hung between shock and confusion. “What?”
“We can’t keep this up, Sidney. Cameron has changed. At least he’s trying to. I think I need to give him a chance.”
Sidney looked at me as if I had two heads. Her voice was hushed, but her tone was intense. “You think you need to give him a chance?”
“I think I do.”
She bristled then and I could see her trembling, fighting for composure. “So you’re done with me and you? We’re over?”
I looked around to make sure we didn’t have an audience. “Not over. I don’t know what I’m saying. I’m just so confused and I’m so tired of being confused. With him, it’s so easy.”
A tear slipped from her right eye. “Easy? Love isn’t supposed to be easy, Sweetie. Not always. I know I fucked up. I know that. But please, don’t let what I said come between us. Not like this.”
Her tear snuck to the back of my soul and unlocked that hidden box. A wave of distress washed over me and I fought to remain upright. Her love was that intense. Strong enough to nearly lift me off my feet.
Sidney’s dark brown eyes were wet and intense. I could feel the pressure of her desperation. It was so heavy and thick I could almost taste it. “Please don’t do this.”
I was speechless then. He was in my house and she was on my porch. My head was sitting next to him and my heart was bleeding for her. I was paralyzed by the fear of losing her. By the failure in losing him. By the failure of missing the message God had sent for me.
And then I didn’t’ have to think. Sidney leaned in to kiss me and though she moved quickly, I could feel every heart beat and the sound of heated breathing between us was somehow magnifie
d. It pulsed in my ears and my eyes slipped closed when her lips met mine. The taste of her was exquisite. Like a decadent chocolate that makes you swoon with pleasure.
Our tongues teased each other and I couldn’t help but move my body with hers. The feel of her softness against me made my knees weak. I’d missed her. My body had missed her. She was the first to pull away, her dark eyes heavy with want. “You feel that, Sweetie? How can this be over? We’re not finished, Dee.”
My instincts fought my intellect and once again I was speechless. I needed space to think. He was in the house and the taste of her was on my lips. I couldn’t come up with a single, rational thing to say.
And then he was there. The front door opened and Cameron’s smiling face popped out.
My heart flew to my throat. Had he seen us kiss? How long had he been at my front door?
The tension began to slowly thaw when he spoke and the ease of his conversation with Sidney let me know he was still in the dark about our private business.
She smiled at him. A smile that didn’t reach her eyes but one that would pass Cameron’s cursory review. They embraced warmly and shared pleasantries as though she hadn’t just made love to my mouth on the front porch.
Finally, my husband turned to me and said, “I didn’t mean to interrupt, I just came to check on you. Make sure everything was alright.”
My lips were tight when I answered him with an “I’m fine.”
She sighed then and said, “It’s getting late. I’m going to head on home. I was just stopping by on my way to the store.”
Cameron was instantly charming and apologetic. “Oh no. Are you sure? Why don’t you come on in? We’re just hanging out. I don’t mind if ya’ll need your girl talk time.”
Sidney eyed him curiously.
And then her lips smiled again, though her dark brown eyes were dead and listless. “I wish I could, but I’ve gotta get going. It was good seeing you though. You take care,” she said, backing away from us.
Words tumbled from my lips but they were too little and too late. “Sidney, please….wait.”
She tilted her head and tossed me a sad grimace. “I can’t. I um…I just realized I belong somewhere. I’ll see you. You two enjoy your evening.”
And then, well then, she was gone.
Chapter Nineteen: Sidney
She’d tasted so good. So familiar. So like everything I ever needed. There was never a lack of a spark between us and our kiss on her front porch only served to underscore the connection. I’d wanted her. I’d wanted to race to my car and head on down to Sara’s. Anywhere we could go and we could pretend that she belonged with me.
But then Cameron had appeared. And the shaky image of her belonging with me faded away.
She was his wife. He’d invited me into his home.
I’d been standing on his porch, kissing his wife and he’d invited me into his home.
What kind of reality was I living in? This wasn’t me.
Sidney Campbell King did not kiss women on the front porches of their homes. Sidney Campbell King was a married mother of two, a Sunday School teacher, and a fast-tracked Associate at the Law Offices of Baxter, Banks and Woods.
This wasn’t me.
I wasn’t a pathetic, groveling dreamer.
I had to get my shit together. It was time to stop doing things in the dark I didn’t want to come out in the light. I kept seeing Cameron’s face over and over. His eyes had been wide with innocence. This man had no idea I had been loving his wife. I felt guilty and wrong. It had been easy to sever him from her. They’d been separated nearly as long as I’d known her, but seeing them together on the doorstep of their house with his car in the driveway made him real again. It united them in my mind and now it was clear that loving her meant hurting him. My stomach began to rock and shake and I began to feel queasy.
I opened the car door just in time to release the agitated contents of my stomach. I dry heaved and cried and dry heaved and cried until I heard my cell phone ring.
I knew it was him.
Aaron was a computer programmer. His logical mind functioned much the way my own did; moving from starting points to end points, following logical and well-thought paths to reach that end destination. He’d been working for the same company since before we were married and he loved his job. He loved his job even better when he could sit in his tidy cubicle, surrounded by pictures of me and our children, rock slightly in his leather office chair, and toss back a half of box of his tangy-sweet candy.
His logical mind would be filled with logical questions if I came back with nothing from the store and no TangySweets. And as his face flashed on my caller id, I realized he was probably wondering what the hell was taking me so long.
I knew I couldn’t talk. There was no way I’d be able to hide the emotions that played with my vocal cords that night. I pressed the ignore button and sent him a text message that I was getting ready to get in line and couldn’t talk. I told him to go ahead and get into bed.
I took a deep breath tossed the phone onto the empty passenger seat. It buzzed a few moments later. Probably a text from my husband.
I grabbed some tissue from my purse and forced myself to calm down.
I was grieving.
I knew this was it. This was the logical and rational end to the Sapphic double life I was leading. It was all adding up. Cameron was back in her life. Aaron was trying so hard to be the husband I needed. My children needed me. And Cameron’s presence on the doorstep was enough to pull me back from the edge of reason; from the miserable insanity I’d been walking around in for the last 24 hours.
As I wiped my eyes, I realized that Dayna was where she was meant to be.
She didn’t belong to me.
She never had.
She needed to stop gambling with her salvation and get back to the life God had intended for her.
And so did I.
Chapter Twenty: Cameron
When I’d brought Nina home, we all watched a movie and relaxed until it was time for her to go to bed. Baby girl had talked me into giving her a bath and after that, Dayna and I tucked her into bed. After leaving Nina’s room, the two of us had gone on a trip down memory lane and ended up on the bed I used to sleep in: talking and looking at old photos.
When the doorbell rang, Dayna got up to answer the door and I made a trip to the little boy’s room. I stood in what used to be my master bath and looked around at all the scented lotions and feminine touches in the room. I missed that soft touch. Missed being in the daily presence of my wife. As I washed my hands, I also looked for any sign that Dayna had been entertaining other males in the master suite.
My eyes hunted around for razors, foreign toothbrushes, or hair products. I scanned every bottle of lotion, shampoo, and conditioner. Inspected every inch of the wide countertop space and I even ducked my head into the shower stall. When I was satisfied that I was still the king of the house, I headed back to the bed and sat back down.
The longer I sat, the more worried I became. What if her boyfriend was the person who’d rang the doorbell? What if she was down there talking to him? I didn’t think she had a man on the side, but my own guilty past led my mind down paths of infinite possibilities. I tried and tried to avoid it, but I couldn’t help but head downstairs and see just who Dayna’s night-time visitor was.
I searched around the living room and kitchen and then heard voices on the front porch. When I opened the door, Dayna was talking to Sidney and I smiled so hard at seeing her I must have looked like a damned fool. But I felt like a million bucks. It was just Sidney. Not some mega-muscle brother hollerin’ at my wife. Just her girlfriend.
And not a skanky, no-good friend. But Sidney King.
Sidney and her husband had been really good to us when we first moved. Helped us get settled and everything. Sidney was so fine she’d make any man bust a stupid-silly grin. But she was a good woman who’d deflected all of the subtle flirts I’d thrown her way in the early days. Her commit
ment to her man was reassuring to me. Maybe her marital bliss with Aaron would rub off on Dayna and send Dayna back to me on a full-time basis.
When we closed the front door, Dayna was a little distracted, distant, and edgy. I wanted to give her space. There was nothing more I wanted to do than curl up in that King-sized bed next to her, but I didn’t want to rush anything. I had told her I would wait and be patient and I was committed to following through on that.
At the tail end of my third yawn, I stretched and said, “I’m gonna get going. It’s getting pretty late.”
She surprised me. “Don’t leave,” she said.
I turned toward her, unsure if I’d heard right. After so many months of trying and trying, she wanted me to hang around? Months of rejection and half-assed attempts at placating me and now she didn’t want me to leave? I asked her if she was sure and she nodded and asked me, “Can you stay tonight?”
I blinked a few times. My tongue frozen for a minute. “You want me to stay?”
Dayna met my curious gaze and replied, “I want you to hold me.”
A frown laid itself across my brow and I asked her, “You’re sure about this?
She nodded and looked away. “Yes, please. Can you stay with me?”
I relaxed. I had heard her just fine. I couldn’t help but smile and I licked my lips. “You never had to ask twice.”
Chapter Twenty-One: Dayna
K nee-jerk reaction maybe? I was so drained by talking to Sidney that I didn’t want to be alone. I wanted someone to hold me and comfort me and Cameron was both close and familiar. His surprise flowers and our ensuing trip down memory lane were the perfect precursors to him staying the night.
I fell asleep on his chest, but I dreamed about her. And a week after our heart-wrenching discussion on the front porch of my house, I was still sleeping on my husband’s chest and still dreaming about Sidney. When I awoke, I’d never remember what the dreams were about, only that she’d had a starring role and that I spent most of the dream being chased.
Cameron and I were working slowly towards reconciliation. Therapy had been good to us. It had given us tools to help ease the transition back to living as a couple; how to build up a healthy style of communication and how to appreciate each other. We were both putting in work, but we had differing motivations: I was running from her and he was running to me.