by Shea Lynn
I smiled. “Right, right. Girl talk.”
He lowered his voice, “That and hiding from their mama.”
I smiled again and settled back on the maroon sofa, comfortable that my father-in-law knew what he was talking about.
Chapter Thirty-Eight: Sidney
Karen glanced at me nervously as we settled the bag on the floor in her old room. The room was frozen in time, circa my sister’s senior year of high school. The space wasn’t very big, but had been roomy enough for a teenage Karen and occasionally me when we were on good terms. All of the floors upstairs were a dark wood, the same as in the foyer. A large, circular, pink area rug was laid out in the middle of her floor and her old, creaky twin bed was lined up against the western wall.
My little sister moved around me and gently closed the door.
I eyed her curiously, almost afraid to say anything. Afraid my fragile psyche wouldn’t be able to withstand another one of Karen’s angry tirades.
“Sidney?” she said, her right hand on her hip, her left in her jean pocket.
“Yep?”
“I’m sorry.”
Her apology surprised me. Not ten minutes before, she had been yelling at me in the front seat of my red dragon.
My brow furrowed, “You’re sorry?”
She nodded, pulling her hair behind her ear. “I am. I uh….I reacted first and thought second. I’m sorry.”
I didn’t understand why she was apologizing so quickly after fussing at me. “You’re sorry?” I asked again, my eyes hard and cold.
“I’m sorry. You deserve an apology. I shouldn’t have lashed out at you,” she said, her gaze pleading with me for understanding.
I was angry with her. Angry that she’d managed to make me feel so small and weak and foolish. Angry that my little sister had usurped the seat of power I’d held in our thirty-three year relationship by highlighting the idiocy of my self-sabotage. I felt hurt, exposed, and embarrassed.
And her apology seemed very close to pity.
I didn’t need her pity. I’d needed her to hear me and support me and she’d already shown herself incapable doing that.
“No, Karen. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I said anything at all. You’re right. It’s none of your business and I should have kept it that way.”
She shook her head and rushed to stand before me. “Sid, please. You’re shutting down. Don’t shut down. You have such a tendency to cut off your feelings and keep things to yourself. You actually took a risk and opened up to me. I was wrong. I do this for a living. I spend hours letting people talk and I should know better than to react first and listen second. I’m paid to listen. Paid to advise.”
“I’m not your patient,” I said.
“No, you’re my big sister. And my big sister came to me with a heavy weight on her heart and I should have listened.”
My eyes grew darker, curious as to her sudden change of heart. “Why the apology? Why now? What changed between you flipping out on me outside and the way you’re talking to me right now?”
Karen sighed and looked me straight in my dark eyes. “I saw Mama’s eyes.”
My questioning gaze expressed my confusion at this statement. Karen answered my unspoken thoughts.
“She had this look in her eye. The same worry she had when Marcus was sick. She knows something is very wrong in your life and for me that was a red flag. I know you, Sid. You’ve never worn your emotions on your sleeve. You’re very private. Very good at hiding your emotions. But you couldn’t do that tonight. And from the worry in Mama’s eyes, it seems like you haven’t been good at it for a while.”
I was quiet, my eyes studying the floor. She had hit the nail on the head, but I wasn’t sure if I could trust her.
She continued. “Which can only mean you’re really in deep. You’re mired in this haze of depression and I can see it now. You looked so lost when you came in the house. So out of it. And if you’re in this state, then I know that this situation you mentioned with Dayna, it must be really having an effect on you.”
I sighed and rolled my eyes, my arms folded across my chest. “I don’t want your pity, Karen.”
“I don’t want to give it to you,” she said quickly.
My hair was loose and as my head hung down, my heavy locks fell around my face, helping to shield me from truly exposing the emotion I felt.
My eyes began to tear and my face felt hot. “You said to tell you anything. You said you wouldn’t judge me,” I whispered.
“I know. I’m sorry, Sid”, she whispered in return.
“Karen, I live with my sins every day. I live in constant judgment of myself. I don’t need anyone else judging me.”
The next thing we heard was the shrill voice of our mother, calling us downstairs to kitchen. We’d been gone too long.
Karen opened the door and yelled, “We’re coming, Ma!”
She turned back toward me and said, “Are we okay?”
I nodded. “We’re okay.”
“Can we talk about it later? When she finally leaves us alone?” Karen asked.
“Yeah. Can you tell her I’ll be down in a minute?”
“Sure,” she replied.
We headed out of the room and I stopped off in the restroom to clear my eyes and wash my face for the second time that evening.
Chapter Thirty-Nine: Aaron
On Saturday morning, we had a family barbeque at the house. Sidney’s parents, Karen, my parents, Darnell, and a few of our closer friends from church and back home were there. It was a beautiful day, just right for manning the grill.
I was standing by the grill with my father and Darnell. I looked at the smoldering charcoal in the pit and said, “Dad, you think it’s ready yet?”
My father looked at it, a crinkle lying across his dark brown forehead, his eyes creased with intensity. “Yeah. It’s just about ready. Darnell, you got the ribs? Let’s put them on first.”
“I got ‘em, Unc. Put ‘em on now?” asked Darnell.
My father nodded. “Yep. Put ‘em on there.”
Darnell nodded and proceeded with his task.
Now, I’m my father’s only son, but sometimes, I felt like maybe I was adopted. Like maybe there was a mix-up and Darnell was his real son. I got along with my dad, but Darnell adored him. They even look alike and they’re not even blood related. My father was pretty tall before his back started acting up and his skin is a smooth dark chocolate that looks a lot like my cousin’s.
I came out looking more like my mother than anything with fairer skin and these light brown eyes. I do have Dad’s height, but not much else. Darnell even has my father’s temperament. Two peas in a pod. But I never minded. I always knew that Darnell needed a father too and I was glad we could share mine.
As Darnell followed my father’s orders to a tee, I looked around the backyard of my home and found my wife. She and Karen were at a table by themselves, away from everyone else. Their conversation had carried a mix of serious and silly expressions and I was happy that my wife seemed to be enjoying herself
My father gave a short grunt and rubbed his back. “Dad, you need me to get a you a chair?” I asked.
He shook his head. “No. I’m fine. I’m a man and I’ll stand here like a man. I love standing here with you boys. Feels like old times.”
I chuckled. “Yeah. It does.”
Our families struggled growing up. I mean really struggled. My father drove a yellow cab and my mother worked at the grocery store with Darnell’s mother, Auntie Rose. My parents had me young, but they kept at it together and made it work. Darnell wasn’t so lucky. His day-late daddy took off before he was even born.
That just left Darnell and Auntie Rose. She was really sweet. Supportive. Understanding. It hurt my heart when she first got sick. But nobody was hurt like Darnell.
Her being sick was the reason he didn’t go to college like me. And the funny thing is, he was always the smart one. He was a freshman at the University of Chicago when they found her cance
r. Had an academic scholarship and everything.
His mother begged him to stay in school, but he just couldn’t do it. And I couldn’t blame him. His mother was all he had and he needed to be with her. So I helped him move back home. Even then he’d been super responsible. He took his brilliant mind and got a job at UPS delivering packages and he’s been there ever since.
Our family really bonded then. Everybody tried to help out. Tried to help ease the burden on Darnell’s shoulders. We were all at the hospital when Auntie Rose took her last breath. That shit was so hard. Mama was all upset, Darnell was crying. Even my father was in tears.
We were standing in the hospital room Auntie Rose had been sharing with another woman. My aunt’s body was lying peacefully on the hospital bed. Her eyes were closed and she looked as though she were sleeping, but there was no life in her body.
I kept watching her chest to see if it might rise and fall, but it didn’t.
“Ma? Ma?” Darnell called as he shook her.
Auntie didn’t respond
“Ma? Wake up, Ma!” he said, his dark eyes frantic for some acknowledgement from his mother.
My mother was on the other side of her sister, sitting in a chair and holding her hand, rocking slowly as tears snaked down her cheeks. “My Jesus,” she whispered.
Daddy hung his head, his eyes shiny. He walked over to my cousin and put his strong hand on Darnell’s shoulder. “She’s gone, son. Your mama’s gone on home,” he said.
Darnell reared back and threw my father’s arm from around him. “No! No! Mama? Mama?” he called.
His desperate plea seemed to thaw my frozen feet. I tossed my father a look that told him I’d deal with Darnell and I’d guided my brother-cousin out into the hallway
He was sobbing. Deep sobs that made it hard for him to breathe. His smooth brown skin was slick with tears.
“She can’t be - - -,” he stuttered. “She can’t be gone, A. She’s all I got. She’s all I got.”
“No, she’s not. We’re still your family. You’re my brother, Darnell. You’re not my cousin, my brother.”
And then I hugged him. “We’re still your family, man. Still your family,” I whispered.
We rarely talked about that day. But it was important. It was an experience that had bonded us deeply. I trusted Darnell with my life. And he’d never let me down.
He’d suggested I take Sidney away for a small vacation and it was an idea I still had at the back of my mind. Maybe now was the time to put his advice into action. Maybe the time away would be enough to help put us back on track. The visits to her therapist already seemed to be making progress.
Darnell smiled at me. “Remember when we tried to do this in the house that year, A?”
My mind was between Auntie Rose’s hospital room and on vacation with Sidney. I’d missed the flow of conversation. “Do what?” I asked.
“When we tried to grill in the house. You remember that?” asked Darnell, grinning at me warmly, his eyes hidden behind is dark sunglasses.
I smiled, remembered the panic I’d felt when our impromptu barbeque had suddenly filled the kitchen with smoke. “Yeah. I thought Dad was gonna kill us.”
My father smiled and leaned forward on his carved wooden cane. “You were almost right. If your mother and Rose hadn’t stepped in I would have strung both of ya’ll up. It took forever to get that smoke smell out the house.”
“Darnell,” my father said. Though he’d always been skeptical of churches, my father’s voice had always resembled that of a genteel, southern pastor. And when he spoke my cousin’s name, the word came out sounding more like Dar-nayall.
“Yes sir?” Darnell replied, keeping his sun-shielded gaze on the now-smoking meat.
“I’m gonna go get me a beer and sit down for a minute. I think you got capable hands to manage this. Come get me if you need me,” he said.
“What about my hands?” I asked.
My father smiled softly and patted my shoulder. “Son, let’s look at it this way. Darnell is the sheriff and you, you’re the deputy.”
Daddy winked before grunting and hobbling away with his cane. “Love you boys,” he called as he went.
“Love you, too,” we replied in unison.
His gait was more noticeable than it had been the last time I’d seen him.
“It’s hard for me to see him getting older, man.”
Darnell nodded. “Yeah. It is. He’s always been so strong. He had that stroke about what, six months ago?”
The stroke had impaired his mobility and my father had been in physical therapy ever since. My mother had told me his limp should be gone by now, but my father was stubborn. He didn’t like his therapies and he didn’t really like his doctor. And as such, he only half-listened to the advice they gave.
“Yeah. Whatever he says, Darnell, no ribs for him, alright?”
Darnell chuckled. “Unc is not about to beat me senseless because I denied him a little rib or two.”
“Well then you take it up with Moms. She already gave me orders. No ribs for Daddy.”
My cousin’s smile fell. We were both more afraid of my mother than of my father.
“So, what was it she said? No ribs, right?” he asked.
I nodded. “No ribs.”
“Cool. No ribs for Unc,” said Darnell.
We shared a laugh before he asked, “So how are things between you and Sid? Any better?”
I nodded. “A little. She’s still edgy. But she’s been better since she started seeing that therapist. And she seemed to be in a good mood last night. I don’t know if it’s her sister or what but I’m hoping her mood doesn’t change when Karen goes back home.”
Darnell’s gaze followed my sister-in-law as she and my wife walked inside, through the sliding glass door. “Mmm, mmm, mmm. I wish she wasn’t going back home. That girl is fine as hell.”
“Who? Karen?”
Darnell took a sip of beer and nodded. “You know she’s fine. Built just like her sister.”
I raised an eyebrow at him. “Hey hey now. Watch yourself. Remember, these coals are red hot.”
He grinned. “I’m just messing with you. But she’s fine. Filled out a little since the last time I saw her. I like that. She got a man?”
I shrugged. “Not sure. I thought she did, but from what I heard last night, things might have changed.”
“Find out for me. Let me know, alright?” he asked.
I nodded. “Alright. I will.”
I looked down at the grill and saw the flames begin to spark up. “Why don’t you go on in there and talk to her? We need that spray bottle with the vinegar anyway. The flames are starting to shoot up. Don’t want the meat to burn.”
He frowned at me. “I thought I was the sheriff. I’m the one supposed to be giving out orders.”
“Alright. I’ll go. And I’ll talk to Karen,” I said, knowing the mention of her name would change his mind.
Darnell grinned. “Alright Mr. Sheriff. I’ll be right back.”
Chapter Forty: Sidney
Karen had asked to see a picture of Dayna, needing to put a face to the name. We’d spent the majority of our time at the barbeque in hushed conversation, sharing details of our relationships. It was nice to finally talk to someone other than Dr. Diana Williamson about my current situation.
We walked into my house through the sliding glass doors in the kitchen.
“If you came home a little more often, you would have met her already. Maybe you could have helped me stop myself,” I said, as we stepped over the threshold.
“The way your story has gone, I don’t think anyone could have stopped you.”
Karen tried to pull the sliding glass door shut behind her, but it had stuck. Lately, it had been sticking a lot and I’d hounded Aaron to fix it for the last few days.
I sighed. “Just leave it. We won’t be long. Hopefully the house doesn’t fill with bugs in the two minutes we’re in here.”
Karen nodded and followed me to
my office with the dark red walls.
“I love this room,” she said. “Smells like strawberries.”
I smiled. “Yes. It does. The smell relaxes me.”
I walked over to my keepsake box, pulled it from the shelf, and took a seat on the second-hand couch.
“You still have that thing?” Karen asked, sitting down beside me.
“You remember it?”
“You better believe I remember. I was jealous of you. Marcus took the time to make one for you but he didn’t make one for me. I bugged him about it for months.”
I smiled. “I vaguely remember that.”
“Well I vividly remember it. And I vividly remember this box.”
I opened the lid and flipped through my mementos until I found a picture of Dayna’s smiling face. My breath caught in my throat as I handed my sister the photo.
“She’s beautiful,” Karen whispered, surprise coating her hushed words.
I nodded.
Dayna was beautiful. And she was even more beautiful in person than she was in the picture in Karen’s hands.
My sister’s words were hesitant as she spoke. “Have you, have you always been into women? Is Dayna the first woman - - -,” she trailed off, her question hanging in the space between us.
“No. I had my first girlfriend in law school,” I revealed, my eyes still trained on the image of Dayna in my sister’s hands.
Karen turned to me, that mind of hers once again searching to piece together fragments she may have missed along the way. “In law school? Did I know her?”
“My friend…Janelle.”
“Janelle?” she asked, remembering way back when.
I nodded.
“The one that came to the hospital when Marcus was sick?” she asked.
I nodded an affirmative response.
“I didn’t know. I had no idea,” she said.
“No one knew. It was a secret. A secret I never meant to share.”
“And what about after Janelle? Where there any others?”
I shook my head. “No. After Janelle came Aaron. And after Aaron, came Devann and Aiden.”
“And Dayna,” she added.