by Shea Lynn
Daddy then turned to all of the leaders in his church and repeated the same phrase. To which everyone replied, “Amen, Pastor.”
Finally, Daddy looked over at our row and smiled broadly at my mother.
And I am certain that his megawatt smile had some type of mind-altering ability. I’m certain it was powerful enough to make her forget yesterday’s rocking and spiritual humming.
It was now Sunday morning. And Reverend Emmanuel Taylor was in the pulpit.
That meant that my mother, First Lady Immogene Taylor was now at the height of her existence.
Daddy froze his megawatt smile for a fraction longer than he had with the church leaders and he said, “Immogene, I believe we’re gonna have some church today. What do you think, Darlin?”
“Amen, Pastor!” she shouted, rising briefly from her seat and shaking her white handkerchief at him.
That must have been the cue. The bass guitar started strumming and the drums began beating. Sunday morning service at Walnut Grove Missionary Baptist church had begun.
Before he left the podium, Daddy gave a special welcome back to Cameron, Nina and I. At his invitation, we stood to the rousing applause from the congregation. We sat down and the rest of the service continued on. The absurdity of my family situation began to bear down on me. And even though I was sitting on the first pew, next to the First Lady, my mind was far away.
I realized something that morning.
I saw that no matter how badly my father treated my mother. No matter how many times he lied to her and made her wait, rock, and hum in the night, she still loved him. She was in love with him. And the stupid-silliness of her intense love for him was enough to overcome my father’s failings.
As long as she sat on that first row and was singled out for his special Sunday morning greeting and ultra-powerful megawatt smile, she was content in her suffering with his infidelity.
But I wasn’t my mother.
I wasn’t in love with Cameron. And even though I could honestly forgive him for his prior indiscretions, I didn’t have enough room in my heart to compensate for the minor doubt I had that he’d return to his philandering ways. I didn’t love him enough to endure.
I didn’t love him enough to settle.
I loved someone else.
And that love wasn’t going to disappear because I wanted it to.
Chapter Forty-Five: Cameron
When we got back home the next day, I took Nina with me to run some errands. I told Dayna that I wanted her to relax and take some quiet time. Nina and I had a good time and returned home with Chinese take-out for dinner and a bouquet of yellow roses for my wife.
Dayna smiled when our baby girl handed her the bouquet of roses and though I wasn’t sure, it seemed as though the smile didn’t quite reach her eyes. They were dull but her lips were smiling.
We stood in the living room for a moment, swallowing back the uncomfortable silence until Nina told her mother to put the flowers in water. Dayna thanked me for the second time before mother and daughter raced off to the kitchen to find a vase.
That night, we lay in bed and I said, “Dayna, I’m sorry about this weekend.”
“It’s not your fault. You don’t control my daddy.”
I met her gaze, my eyes focused and determined. “No, but I do control myself. And I want you to know, you can trust me. I’m not the same man I used to be. I’ll never hurt you again, Dayna. I promise you that.”
She smiled. “I hope so. But I’ll be honest with you. I’m not there yet. I’m not at a point where I trust you completely.”
“Trust is not given, it’s earned. I know that. I’ve got to earn it back. But I saw the shit that went down your father and I just could never do that to you again. You don’t deserve it. No one deserves it.”
Dayna rubbed my hand then, “I know. I know. It’s going to take some time, but I’m sure we’ll get there. Let’s get some sleep okay?”
I nodded and we settled into bed. Before I knew it, she was sleeping and I lay there in the darkness, rolling my eyes at myself.
“Fucking idiot,” I whispered.
Chapter Forty-Six: Sidney
Karen flew back to Detroit on Monday evening. We shared a warm good-bye in the departures lane of O’Hare and as we separated, there were tears in my eyes.
“I’m really gonna miss you,” I said.
She smiled. “Likewise. I forgot what it was like to have a big sister around.”
“Call when you get in, okay?”
Karen nodded. “I will. And Sidney,” she said, before grabbing the handle of her rolling upright. “Keep your head, up, okay?”
I nodded. Still unsure of how to do that.
On Tuesday morning, I called Darnell’s cell phone from my desk at Baxter, Banks, and Woods.
“Hello?” he answered.
“Hey, Darnell. It’s Sidney.”
“Sidney, hi.”
This conversation was more than mildly uncomfortable. I swallowed thickly and said, “Aaron told me you were interested in going back to school. I thought I’d call you to talk about your options. Get the ball rolling. It’s late, already in June, but maybe you can get started for the fall.”
My cousin-in-law perked up then. “Thanks for calling. I did mention it to Aaron. I was hoping you could help me out a little. I’m so damn tired of delivering packages for a living. I’m smarter than most of my managers. The only thing that separates me from them is that they all have a piece of paper that I don’t.”
He told me he was interested in becoming a lawyer and nervously asked me what I thought. .
“Honestly?” I asked.
“Give me the straight. I’m serious about this.”
I smiled. “You’re brilliant. I know it and you know it. If you’re willing to put in the work, I think you can do just about anything you put your mind to. The only bad thing is you’ve waited this long to start.”
We talked about schools and programs in the area. I was very familiar with them considering I’d done both my undergraduate and professional work at Northwestern. Darnell was determined he wanted to go back full-time so we researched scholarships and loan programs as well. I told him that if he wanted to save even more money, it might be a good idea for him to stay with us. He could sell his place and stay with us for nothing. All I asked was that he help us with the kids and maybe cook a meal or two every now and again.
“Sidney,” he began, and I could tell by the tone of his voice that he was segueing to a subject I didn’t want to discuss.
“Yeah?”
“Are you…are you really done with Dayna? Do you think you’re gonna tell Aaron? I mean, if I really go back to school and end up living with ya’ll, am I gonna have to creep around the corners, afraid of seeing something I’m not supposed to?”
I sighed. “We’re over, Darnell. We never should have begun. It’s been over for more than a month.”
“I thought you said you were in love with her.” I was quiet then but Darnell continued on for me. “So, if you’re in love with her, is she in love with you?”
“She was…I don’t know, I don’t know if she still is,” I replied, quickly. I couldn’t even believe we were having this conversion and I could feel beads of sweat beginning to dance on my brow.
“Sidney, you’re putting me a in a really tough position here.”
A haze of depression slipped into my space and hung around me. I closed my eyes slowly. “I know, Darnell. I’m sorry. But it really is over. I promise. And I don’t think it’s going to do Aaron any good to tell him. I don’t want to hurt him.”
“You’ve already hurt him. He just doesn’t know it yet.”
The feeling of being sorry began to wear off, quickly replaced with a short flash of anger. “Are you going to tell him or not?” I asked, my tone sharp and edgy.
“Don’t turn me into the asshole here, Sidney. I’m not the one creeping around. You are. Don’t put the pressure back on me.”
I took a few
deep breaths, attempting to calm myself and release the tension that started with my clenched jaw and flowed down my body through tensed muscles and curled toes.
At the back of my mind, I had a feeling that my worries were for naught. Darnell was loyal to his cousin but he was also averse to unnecessary drama. He’d lived too hard too early to invite himself into other people’s problems. I was only half-surprised to hear his next words.
“Listen. Let’s just forget this ever happened. Thanks again for your help today. I really appreciate it.”
I nodded. “Yeah, no…no problem. We’ll talk soon?”
“Yeah. Thanks again. I’ll talk to you later.”
We disconnected the call and I tried to shake off the negative vibes in my head and get down to work. I grabbed a cup of coffee, hoping it would help me focus and started going through my caseload. Work was turning into an escape for me. It allowed me to focus on the two things I did best: think logically and solve problems. It was practically the only area of my life in which I could do those two things in tandem without a heavy, emotional hangover.
Prior to the holiday weekend, I’d held a consultation with a small tech firm. The company was created and managed by a young African-American engineer who’d recently gotten his masters from my alma mater. Jason Mills had been referred to me through Northwestern’s entrepreneurial start-up office. He wanted to seek intellectual property protection for a new internet security device he’d designed and he wanted his legal protection in place prior to formally launching his new company.
Though the young start-up had only two employees, Mr. Mills and an associate he’d procured to handle the company’s finances, this case was a little more complicated than it had first appeared. Mills’ device was a mix of hardware and software, each with patentable and un-patentable processes and components. And despite their diminutive size, Jason Mills knew that his company was both a potential gold mine and a ripe target for less-secure imitations.
Besides having a brilliant mind, my client had an easy going temperament and his attitude made me want to help him. It made me want to insure him against fraud and any hint of copycatting. I was determined to seal up any loose ends that may leave him vulnerable to saboteurs and espionage. And my determination had me working through lunch and poring over legal books, legal reviews, and patent and copyright applications.
I was so engrossed that when my cell phone rang at a little after two that afternoon, I jumped slightly in my leather office chair and a thick tome on my lap fell, spine up, onto the shiny hardwood beneath me. There were more books, opened on my desk and I had to remove the pen in my mouth to answer the phone.
“Karen?” I asked.
“Hey, Sid”, she said. Her voice was calm and comforting, tinged with a hint of excitement. As though she were happy to talk to me.
“Hey yourself. What’s going on?” I asked, sitting back in my chair and blinking my eyes to focus. It felt like I was emerging from a dark cave, finally making my way into the light.
“I’ve been doing a little research for you.”
“Research?” I asked.
“Yeah. I remembered one of my patients mentioning a relatively new Christian denomination. It’s called MCC, Metropolitan Community Church.”
I yawned. “Karen, I already belong to Zion. I don’t need a new Christian denomination.”
“Hear me out, Sid.”
A deep sigh escaped my lips before I replied, “Okay. I’m listening.”
And then she told me about this church. How it was a fellowship of congregations. How it was founded by a pastor who’d just come out to his family and his church. He’d been ostracized by his church, family, and community but his heart had continued to seek out God’s grace. He held the first church service in his living room and now this church had grown to have a presence in more than 23 countries around the world.
It did peak my curiosity and I wondered at the contradiction of a gay man pastoring a church. Of their being a church full of gay people. It sounded foreign to me. Like Frosty the Snowman having a beach vacation or sugar being too salty.
“Are you telling me I should join this church?”
Karen continued. “No, no. I was reading through some of the information on the church’s website and there’s a whole section on debunking the myths that the bible condemns homosexuality.”
I was quiet then. The very mention of that word made me cringe. Lesbian. Homosexuality. Again with these words. I knew what they meant but I didn’t want to hear them. Hearing them made me feel exposed.
Karen told me that she didn’t condone me sleeping around on my husband, but that my situation was still on her heart. And that she loved me and that she wanted me to be happy. And that maybe, if I realized that God could still love me, that maybe I could be happy again.
I stood up then, slipped out of my black designer heels and walked over to the couch in my stocking feet. Sitting down on the sofa cushion, I folded my right leg underneath me, my gaze absently floating to the wooden bookcase slightly to my right.
I couldn’t stop the surge of emotion that rushed through me. My heart swelled and tears stood in my eyes. My lips trembled and my voice quivered as I responded. “You want me to be happy?”
“I love you, girl. I hate to see you sad. And I don’t know what you are. Gay or straight or whatever. But I want you to know that I love you. And that God loves you. And maybe that will help you figure all this out.”
She told me she would send the link to the information she’d found and I promised to read it over.
“Karen?” I asked.
“Yes?”
“Do you think I made a mistake? Did I mess up by marrying Aaron? Have I…have I ruined his life?” I wondered aloud.
She didn’t have any answers. I knew she wouldn’t. I didn’t get any more work done on the Jason Mills account. It took me damned near an hour to calm down and regroup and when I did feel settled, I found myself hunting through my email for the website link my sister had sent me. It didn’t take me long to find it and despite my urgency to open a world tied to a single mouse-click, I hesitated. My right index finger gently tapped on my left mouse button and after a few rounds of tap-tap-tap, I sighed and sat back in my chair.
Did it really matter?
Even if God loved me and wouldn’t destroy me for the sin of loving women, wasn’t my life already too deep into my chosen existence for it to make the slightest bit of difference?
I’d needed this website 14 years ago, before I’d tried to keep Janelle in the closet with me.
Before I’d met Aaron and married him.
Before I’d borne him two children and built a life with him in our picturesque two-story home in the suburbs.
But now, now was just too late.
Even if I wasn’t hurting God, how could I possibly hurt Aaron? How could I possibly betray the love and trust of a man who adored me? Who treated me like a queen and asked for nothing more than my happiness in return?
And Dayna?
We were over. Our romantic distraction ended by a mutual decision. And that decision had been the most logical conclusion to a most impossible situation. I pushed away the memory of her heated flesh. Of her warm embrace. Dayna would now become a memory that needed to fade. A mistake that lay coated in my regret and would be relegated to the recesses of my mind, confined to the shiny wooden walls of my keepsake box.
I didn’t click the link. I dragged the email to my personal mail folder. And then I went home. The time had come to put everything behind me and focus on the commitment I’d made and the life I was supposed to live.
Karen had come through for me. Slipped me a secret key to unlock the desires of my heart. But I hadn’t used it. There was no need to.
Chapter Forty-Seven: Dayna
I missed her. Even my bones felt achy, like I was fighting the flu or a case of the cramps. On the surface, I was giving him everything I had, but I kept my ear tuned for her knock on my front door, my hands wou
ld check my cell phone for text messages. But the knock never sounded and the messages never arrived. And my sister’s words kept echoing in my head, “It’s better to be alone than to settle, Dane. Never settle.”
I was settling. And now that loving Sidney had taken the scales from my eyes, I knew there was more to loving than obligation. What I felt for her eased over conventional boundaries. It flew in the face of everything I’d ever known and the misery I’d felt at seeing my mother hum and rock was burned on my soul. I never wanted to feel that way again. So powerless and lost, watching as my mother suffered in the night.
I blinked my eyes tightly, forcing her to the back of my mind. The email on my work computer chimed, letting me know I had a message. I saw Cameron’s name in my inbox and my eyes opened a little wider.
Hey Sweetie,
I hope you’re having a great first day back at work. I miss you. It was nice spending time together over the weekend. Maybe we can do more of that. Spending time together.
Dayna, I know I’ve messed up. And I know I haven’t fully earned your trust. But I won’t give up. And I know I won’t fail. Remember this?
Proverbs 13:4
Lazy people want much but get little, but those who work hard will prosper.
I’m not lazy and I will work hard to regain your trust. Your faith in me is priceless. I was a fool to even toss it away. An idiot to even see anyone else when all I ever needed was you.
I will work hard and I will prosper.
I love you, Dayna.
Your husband,
Cameron.
I sighed and rolled my eyes. Again with the scripture. I loved the Lord, but something about Cameron quoting the Bible just didn’t feel right. It seemed forced and artificial. I should have been moved by his efforts, but I wasn’t.
I was numb.
“What am I going to do?” I asked myself aloud.
I sat back in my desk chair and my eyes moved toward the window of my small office. I saw a family of four walk down the hall, down to the counseling center. Their entire life had gone up in smoke last night. Faulty wiring in their small house had set everything ablaze and as the husband, wife, and two little girls shuffled past, their heads hung down, the weight of the world on their shoulders, I sighed.