by Shea Lynn
I drained the pasta before putting it back into the sauce pot and tossing it with a little olive oil. I poured some store bought tomato sauce over the noodles and wondered how I would break this news to the little girl now heading down the stairs.
“Hey Ma”, she said, wrapping her little arms around me as I stood at the stove.
I looked down at her small brown face and the four, nearly shoulder-length braids that hung from each quarter of her head. She was dressed in her favorite pair of pajamas; a long sleeved pink shirt with a golden star on the middle and warm pink pants covered in smaller versions of that golden star.
“Hey Sweetie. Don’t stand in front of the stove while I’m cooking. Why don’t you grab a plate out of the cabinet.”
“You gonna eat with me?” she asked.
I shook my head. “Mommy’s not hungry but I’ll sit at the table with you.”
“Awww, Mommy. You have to eat, too,” she said, tilting her head to the side such that her braids shook. Her soft brown eyes twinkled at me. Nina was a skinny little girl. Very picky about what she would eat but with a huge appetite for bow ties with store bought sauce.
“You’re right. Mommy does have to eat. And maybe Mommy should try. So grab a plate for me, too. Okay?”
“Yay!” she replied, before clambering up on the counter and pulling out two pink plastic plates. The plastic plates were for her. And her grabbing two pink plates was symbolic of us being equals in this moment and hanging out as girlfriends to share a meal.
I made two plates, hers bigger than mine, and poured us both a glass of juice.
We sat down across from each other at the table and smiled. “Enjoy, Nina.”
“Thank you, Mommy,” she said with a wide smile.
As I lifted my fork to my mouth, she yelled “Wait!”
“What is it?” I asked.
“Don’t we have to wait for Daddy? We can’t eat without Daddy. We missed him last night. We can’t be rude again.”
I sighed then and met her small brown eyes. “Sweetie, you and Mommy need to have a talk.”
“Why?”
Our eyes met and I answered her, “Baby, Daddy isn’t going to live here anymore.”
She frowned, her brow now wrinkled and her little mouth puckering into a pout. “But I thought he was.”
“I know. But Mommy and Daddy have to live apart for right now. Sometimes, that’s what Mommies and Daddies have to do.”
My daughter’s lower lip was now trembling and her little eyes were watery. “I know that. But I thought you already lived apart. Now we live in the same house.”
I shook my head slowly, sad that she was sad. “Not anymore, Sweetie.”
Her little chest moved up and down quickly as she began to sob and tears fell from her eyes. “I want Daddy,” she whined.
I sighed again and grabbed her up from her seat at the table, holding her against me, rocking her slowly. “I know you do. I know you love Daddy.”
“I want Daddy,” she moaned into my chest, her tears wetting the front of my creamy white blouse.
This was hard. I never wanted to see her sad and I hated to see her cry. Nina didn’t cry easily and for her to come undone before her favorite plate of bow ties and sauce, let me know she was really upset. I kissed her forehead and rubbed her back as we rocked in the quiet kitchen.
In the end, she ate the pasta. She ate slowly and sipped her juice and though she viewed me with mild contempt, she started to ease into her old self by the time the meal was ending. When she was done, I cleared the table and we went upstairs and handled our evening ritual. I read to her and kissed her forehead before retreating to my room.
It was hard to be alone. Hard to look your child in the face and tell her that Daddy’s not coming home. But this strange new world was my reality.
As I stood in my bathroom brushing my teeth, my eyes roamed around, finding empty spaces where Cameron's toiletries used to live. Rinsing and spitting, I wondered what he was doing. Was he feeling as disconnected as I was? Or was he back to his old self: entertaining women, commiserating the end of our marriage with the nurse from the hospital.
Crawling in to bed, a deep sigh slipped from my lips.
I lay back on my pillows in my big, empty bed and my thoughts went to her. I began to feel the itch. The Sidney itch that started as a tickle on the back of my neck and moved to my mind, bringing forth a set of warm memories that then traveled down my spine and out to my hands.
It moved down to my finger tips and they itched.
I wanted to call her.
I even sat up in the big, empty bed and reached for my cordless phone.
But my fingers wouldn't make the call.
They danced across the buttons, contemplating the digits.
In my mind's eye, I could see her smile. The smile I saw faded away to a frustrated frown, a brooding set of dark brown eyes accompanying the new expression.
"Be like Job," I whispered to myself. And then I turned out the lights, curled into a ball, and tried to sleep.
Chapter Fifty-Three: Sidney
I was cracking around the edges. The "happiness in a pill" plan had been going strong for nearly a week.
Though Aaron seemed happy, the plan had been taking a toll on my body. The thing about sleeping pills is that they are designed to maximize one's sleep. And a good night of rest is supposed to last around eight to nine hours. With my schedule, I didn't have eight to nine hours to sleep. The missing time meant that when I rose for work, I was still too sleepy.
The added fatigue in the morning meant I had to take uppers to counteract the downer. I'd grab a coffee on the way in to work. And then I'd have a coffee when I got to work. I'd drink an energy drink around ten in the morning and I'd bounce between energy drinks, candy bars, and coffee to get me through the rest of the day.
I started to feel like a real drug addict, but I thought my new upper and downer routine was a worthy sacrifice to get Dayna out of my system and reinvest myself back into my marriage.
My dosing regimen, taking half a pill in the early evening and then another half a pill at bedtime, began to lose its effectiveness. Losing effectiveness wasn't part of the plan. To combat this problem, I started taking half a pill in the early evening and then another full pill at bedtime.
And that meant I was even groggier when my alarm sounded.
The story wasn't all bad. I was gentler. More loving.
The pills made me touchy feely so I hugged my entire family way more than I typically did. I kissed my kids more than a dozen times when it was tuck-in time. And I even kissed Aaron.
There were a few mishaps.
On Tuesday, I'd taken the second pill a little early. Mother Nature called and after I relieved myself in the bathroom, I'd been a little disoriented and I stumbled, hitting my ass on the side of the tub and leaving a bruise.
I told Aaron the floor had been slippery.
He seemed to believe me.
On Thursday, Aiden woke up in the middle of the night with a stomach ache. He tried to shake me, but I wouldn't budge. Eventually, Aaron sat with him until he felt better.
I told Aaron I was just exhausted.
He seemed to believe me.
On Friday morning, I sat at my desk, nursing my second cup of coffee; my head not yet clear enough for me to be a super star. As I sifted through my email, Andrew Nash let himself into my office after a brief knock on the door.
"Morning Sidney," he said, his blue eyes bright and sunny.
"Good Morning, Andrew."
When he spoke next, the crispness in his tone matched the crispness of his designer suit. "Have you finished up the paperwork for the Tynetic account?"
I stared back at him, worry etching itself into my forehead. "No, not yet."
He sighed and ran a nervous hand through his salt and pepper mane. "Sidney, you told me you were going to be finished yesterday. I was counting on you having it done by now. I'm due on call with Jake Winstead in ten minutes. He's
under the impression that he can get started on a beta release of TyPro on Monday morning."
My eyes were wide and I stood up at my desk, my foggy brain trying to remember the particulars of my time commitments to Andrew and Tynetic Software.
"Did I promise you I'd have it done yesterday? I thought we agreed on today, close of business."
Andrew's voice rose slightly. "No. We agreed on yesterday, close of business. Friday, COB, was the original deadline. You told me things were moving smoothly and that finishing up on Thursday would not be a problem."
‘Did I say that?’ I thought to myself.
I nodded, my first priority being to diffuse the situation. "Okay. My mistake. I'll get right on it."
He eyed me curiously. "Are you okay? You look like hell," he said.
"Well, don't beat around the bush."
"Look, I don't hold my tongue. You know that. Sidney, is everything okay? Are you sure you're alright?" he asked.
I nodded impatiently. "I'm fine. Let me get to work. I apologize for the miscommunication."
Andrew sighed again. "Sidney, you're my go-to person. Anytime a high profile client walks in that door, I always swing the work over to you. You're top of the line around here. But if you can't meet the deadlines we agree on, if you can't keep the focus, I've gotta switch it up. I can't wreck the firm's reputation because you're having an off week. I'll go to bat for you all the way. Please don't give me a reason to pull the rug out," he said.
My pride forced me to grit my teeth as I attempted to speak diplomatically, despite the growing ire now flushing through my system.
"Andrew, I can handle it. I misunderstood. Please don't panic. I'll finish up by COB today. Earlier if I can manage it," I replied. A mixture of frustration and resentment had slipped out of me and the combination laced my words.
My mentor's blue eyes were almost apologetic as we shared a gaze. "Look, I don't mean to put you on the spot. But Jake is an old friend of mine. Tynetic is getting ready to go IPO in a few months and the work they throw at us could net millions. I've made promises to him. Promises based on your track record."
I nodded. "I get it, Andrew. I get it."
I tossed him a tight smile and replied, "Close of business today and it won't happen again."
That seemed to unwind him and Andrew smiled at me before thanking me and rushing out as quickly as he had rushed in.
"Did I say that?" I asked myself, leaning against my desk, my arms folded across my chest.
I remembered talking to him about the Friday deadline. And I remembered being so exhausted and out of it yesterday afternoon that I'd shut down early and headed home. I did remember talking to Andrew but I still couldn't remember what we'd agreed upon.
And that scared the shit out of me.
It took me two energy drinks and the coffee I'd been nursing that morning to get through the licensing agreements Tynetic had commissioned us to handle. I received my last faxed, signatured copy of the agreement from Tynetic's highest volume distributor at around three-thirty.
At three-thirty-two, I stopped by Andrew's office to let him know everything was in order. He all but forced me to go home to get an early start on my weekend.
I was grateful for the small blessing and packed up as quickly as I could. When I got off the train at the Park and Ride at Wilmette, I hopped in my red dragon and drove over to my mother's house. She was sitting on her front porch when I pulled up.
I couldn't explain it, but something had drawn me over to Mama's. I needed to see her. I felt lost and confused and somehow, that combination had driven me home.
Mama smiled at me and waved me up on the porch. She was wearing some comfortable capris and a t-shirt. A glass of unsweetened ice tea was on the table beside her and a word search was in her lap.
"Come and give me some sugar," she said.
I kissed her cheeks and gave her a firm hug. The comfort of her made my eyes mist.
I sat down beside her and she said, "Now what are you doing here? I wasn't expecting you, Sweetheart. "
A shrug was my reply. I didn't know what I was doing there. I just knew I needed to see her.
"Are you eating alright? You look thin," she said.
"I'm eating okay, Ma. Just working too hard, I guess."
Mama leaned her head to the side and tossed me a knowing smile. "Now what did I tell you about that working too hard business?"
I returned her smile. "I remember what you told me."
"I know you do. Not worth it. You'll work yourself to death and won't even be able to enjoy what you worked for. How are my grandchildren?" she asked.
"They're good. Aiden's doing a little better. Devann is still an angel. I just hope she doesn't turn on me," I replied.
Mama winked. "She should be fine...at least until she hits fifteen. Then you'll be her worst enemy."
"You weren't my worst enemy, Ma."
"Well you acted like it. How's Aaron? How's my son-in-law?"
I looked down then and sighed. "He's great. His job is going great. You know we're going away next weekend?"
Mama patted my leg, her smiling beaming. "I sure do. I'm so happy for you. You need a little time away. Raising children is hard on a marriage."
I nodded.
Her voice was soft when she said, "Sometimes, it can break you down. Make you wonder why you signed up for matrimony."
My lips trembled. Weeks of frustrated confusion threatening to slip from my tongue.
"It'll get better, Sidney," she whispered, rubbing my shoulder.
I exhaled slowly, struggling to keep my breathing even. My eyes studied the floor at my feet and though every ounce of emotion sought to escape me, I forced myself to remain calm.
"How did you know?" I asked.
"You're my baby. I know when you're not happy. It hangs all around you. I know you're not happy right now. But you know Mama is praying for you."
"I know you are, Ma."
“And I’ve been married a long time. I can tell you it’s not always happy. Baby, when you grow up and get married, everybody thinks it’s going to be a walk in the park. Thinking that once they say ‘I do’, it’s all going to be so easy. Let me tell you, ‘I do’ is truly the beginning. There’s lots of work to be done if you’re going to stay together and be happy together.”
I nodded and took more deep breaths to keep the sobs from escaping my lungs.
Mama let go of my shoulder and picked up my right hand from my lap. She held it in her own and said, “Sidney, you’re not a stone. It’s okay to be weak sometimes. You don’t have to be so hard and rigid all the time. It’s okay to cry.”
These words were my release valve. Tears began to trickle from my eyes and make their way down my face.
Mama’s grasp grew tighter and she said, “I worry about you all the time. I know you think you have to be some kind of superwoman. But Sidney, your father and I, we never wanted you to have to be perfect. I know that when your brother started acting out, you felt you had to take up the slack. Make up for his failures. But you never had to do that. We never wanted you to have to do that.”
Drops of salty frustration dripped from my chin and my head hung low, my eyes still studying the blur my feet had become.
“You became this invincible woman, afraid to make mistakes, afraid to do anything outside the prescribed order of your life.”
I swallowed then. Wondered just where this conversation was heading. Did she know about me? Did she know about Janelle? Dayna?
Mama kept going. “In this prescribed order in your head, everything is supposed to be perfect. Your children are supposed to behave all the time. You are supposed to be the best attorney in your practice. Aaron is supposed to be the best husband and abide by all the little rules you have in your head. And the reality is Sidney that no one is perfect.
“Everyone makes mistakes. Aaron is a human being. He’s a good man, but he’s still a man. And all men are fallible. Aiden is a just a baby. Yes, he’s three, but he’s s
till a baby. He’s going to act out. He’s going to have temper tantrums. All children do. And I know that when that happens, you probably feel like a failure. Like it’s something you can’t control.
“But you’re not supposed to control it. You can’t control him. You can teach Aiden. But you can’t control him. And you can’t control Aaron and you can’t control Devann and you can’t control how you feel, Sidney. There are a lot of things you just can’t control. Doesn’t mean you’re a failure. Doesn’t mean you have to beat yourself up over it.”
I nodded and wiped at my face with my free hand. “So I can’t control how I feel?” I whispered.
“Who can? Baby, we just have to deal with our emotions. Every emotion is valid. Every last one. You remember that, Sidney,” she finished, moving to rub my back once again.
We sat in silence for a few moments. A few cars drove by. Down the block, someone was mowing their lawn. A gentle breeze, carrying with it the promise of more heat and humidity slipped around us, helping to dry the wet path of my tears.
“What do you plan on doing after you leave here?” she asked.
I shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe pick up the kids from day camp early. Take them to the park. Spend some time with them.”
“You don’t look well, Baby. I’d rather you went home, took a nice bath and relaxed. Aaron can pick up my grandchildren. And when he does, I want him to drop them off with their grandmother for a few days. They can go home with you after service on Sunday.”
“Ma, I can’t do that to you. You and Daddy will have them next weekend,” I protested.
“Child please. That’s why I’m here. I raised three children, Sidney. Every day. Day in and day out. I think I can handle two for more than one weekend. I’m not old yet.”
I smiled at the mild injury present in her tone. If my mother had one sensitive spot, it was the inevitable decline of her abilities as she grew older. In her heart, she felt as young and vibrant as she’d been thirty years ago.
“I know you’re not old yet. I just didn’t want to burden you. That’s all.”
“Well it’s not a burden. My grandchildren are a joy. They’re the only ones I have. And the way your sister is going, they’re the only ones I ever will have. So you tell my son-in-law to bring them over to the house and your father and I will entertain.”