How to Stop a Vampire War in Six Easy Steps
Vampire Innocent Book 11
Matthew S. Cox
How to Stop a Vampire War in Six Easy Steps
Vampire Innocent #11
© 2020 Matthew S. Cox
All Rights Reserved
This novel is a work of fiction. Any similarities to actual people, places, conflicts between immortal beings, or massive Cephalopoda from the plane of nothingness is coincidental. No portion of this book may be reproduced without written permission from the author except for quotes posted in reviews or blogs.
Cover art by: Alexandria Thompson
ISBN (e-book): 978-1-950738-32-8
ISBN (paperback): 978-1-950738-33-5
Contents
1. Great, Our House is the Creepy One
2. Birthday déjà vu
3. Shadow Politics
4. Dare
5. Left Field Question
6. Forgiveness Is Easier than Permission
7. A Little Recreational Decapitation
8. Did Anyone Order Zombies?
9. How to Avoid Being Grounded
10. Un Chaton Errant
11. Maximum Overkill
12. Do Vampires Dream of Undead Sheep
13. Timeout
14. A Personal Reality
15. Undetermined Origin
16. Nature Girl
17. Behold the Power of Spite
18. Friends in (Very) Low Places
19. Keep it Believable
20. Sore Spots
21. Out of the Frying Pan, Into the Weird
22. The Mother of Nightmares
23. Nothing Can Truly be Absurd until the Government Gets Involved
24. Fire in the Sky
25. Dutiful
26. A Bit Too Much for Mom to Handle
27. Surprise Tentacles are Never Fun
28. Bloodbath
29. Vast Interdimensional Non-Space
30. A Brittle Alliance
31. No Longer My Problem
32. The Walking Derp
33. Sorta, Almost, but not Quite Canine
34. Somewhat Less Cordial
35. Father Daughter Project
36. Mission Highly Improbable
37. Calories are for Lesser Mortals
38. They’re not Ready Until They Stop Snarling
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Other books by Matthew S. Cox
1
Great, Our House is the Creepy One
Adapting to existence after death is something of an ongoing project.
No one prepares you for how to handle being murdered at all, much less discovering vampires and all sorts of other ‘myths’ really exist on the same day. Considering everything the universe dumped on me all at once, I’m coping about as well as an eighteen-year-old can be expected to cope with a surprise gift of immortality. Wait, I’m nineteen now. Technically.
I hit the ground running in the sense of breaking vampire tradition. My lack of concern for the ‘way things are done’ is hardly unique. Vampires before me have bent the rules… often way worse than what I did. Ever notice some actors or game show hosts don’t seem to age much over a span of like fifty years? Yeah… they’re vampires who couldn’t give up the limelight, using makeup to appear to age a little on screen. They hang around until it would become too obvious, then they retire, maybe fake their death. Nothing that dramatic for me, thanks. My way of breaking tradition is strictly low-key.
On my first full night as an undead, I only went home.
Apparently, telling mortals we’re real is a big deal to some vampires. They think the world would stop spinning if our families knew we still existed. Makes no sense to me why they have a problem with it. Kinda sounds like they’re jealous. Not going to rub their noses in it, though. If I’d done the traditional thing and run off with Dalton, allowing my family to believe I’d been killed, and I found out decades after my last relative died I had the option not to make them think they lost me—I’d be pissed.
Some people obey rules simply because they’re rules and don’t question it.
Hello, world. I’m Follows Rules Girl.
Or was… anyway.
I still sort-of am. Most of the time. Unless the rules are dumb. What can I say? Death gave me some confidence. Also, Dalton Ames wasn’t the most methodical sire a vampire could ask for. He somehow managed to lose track of me long enough for the authorities to collect my body, thus setting everything in motion. Had I woken up in a basement somewhere right next to him instead of being alone in a body cooler at a morgue, who knows what might’ve happened. Possible I’d have still gone home. No, it’s probable… but not a guarantee. Anyway, can’t break a rule intentionally if you don’t know it exists. Point being, Dalton wasn’t there when I woke up to tell me going home is frowned on. If I’m honest with myself, it’s doubtful he’d have tried to talk me out of it, anyway. In fact, he regards my going home as a bit of a relief to him since he didn’t have to take care of me for the first few months of vampirism.
Aurélie stepped up to be my mentor. Dalton’s far too flighty and irresponsible to care for a child—and I mean that in terms of a ‘baby vampire.’ He’s like the cool uncle you can leave the kids with for a weekend, but trusting him with long-term care isn’t wise. Basically, Dalton’s the 161-year-old who had a kid but can’t raise her, so he gave me up for adoption—to my actual parents. Plus Aurélie. She’s essentially my ‘vampire mom.’ Though, this whole undead deal doesn’t come with a user’s manual. Whole lot of winging it going on here. My Dad would be awesome at vampire. He never reads instruction manuals. Ever. Is that a guy thing, a programmer thing, or a dad thing?
Speaking of defying vampire traditions, I’m presently doing something no vampire has ever done before. (At least I sincerely hope so.) Today is Thursday, March 22, 2018. On this day, I, Sarah Wright, have become an ‘honorary tween,’ participating in my sister Sophia’s eleventh birthday party… or at least the tail end of it. Mom’s been making jokes about drinking heavily because of having two eleven-year-olds in the house. The woman is, of course, totally kidding. I’ve never really known her to have more than one glass of wine a day—except for a few occasions when Uncle Hank happened. She really didn’t like Dad pointing out they will eventually have three teenagers under the same roof. Technically, four, since I’m permanently eighteen despite what the calendar says.
So, yeah. I’m stretched out on the living room floor in pajamas with Sophia, Sierra, and three friends. Megan Scheller, the somewhat chubby girl Sophia met in dance class, has finally gotten past worrying Sophia only made friends with her as a cruel prank and has accepted my sister is sincere. I swear the girl would jump in front of a bullet for Soph. My littlest sister is a scrawny little shy twig of a kid, but she’s legit screamed at people for teasing Megan. Considering the way my unlife is going, I probably shouldn’t joke about anyone jumping in front of bullets.
Nicole Pierce, our few-houses-over neighbor, has been friends with my little sisters for a while now, going on four years, I think. Maybe five. If ‘normal suburban kid’ had a picture in the dictionary, she’d be it. The girl’s a bit like me at the same age, terrified of getting in trouble but willing to do just about anything as long as they have a 110-percent chance of not being caught. Okay, not exactly me. I didn’t break the rules because I felt bad about doing so. Nicole couldn’t care less about rules; she mostly doesn’t want to be punished. Also, she won’t do anything malicious or mean. She’s a good kid, but ha
s no issues with some harmless rule-breaking.
Priya Chawla, Sophia met in school. If life were a video game, Priya is basically a palette swap of Sophia’s avatar. Highly similar personality, similar size and build, similar long hair. Thus far, Priya hasn’t shown any signs of having magical abilities. Given my sister’s newfound talent, she’s become a little more confident. This leaves Priya as the most timid of their group. She’s shy, polite, and doesn’t usually speak to people she doesn’t know.
Right after they got home from school, Mom took Sophia, Sierra, and their friends out to have fun. They hit some Chuck-E-Cheese like place. Sure, Sophia’s a little old for it, but she wanted to go. Megan, Nicole, and Priya didn’t seem too embarrassed. For obvious reasons, I didn’t go out with them during the day. When they got home, we had a tamer version of a birthday party like something parents would throw for a six or seven-year-old kid. It would have been exactly a party for six-year-olds if we had her entire class screaming in one room and twenty parents in the kitchen doing shots of vodka and price gouging each other for foam earplugs.
After dinner and cake, the girls went into sleepover mode. Sophia insisted I join them. Nicole didn’t mind because she knows me, but Megan and Priya kinda regarded me more like Sophia’s second mother. At least to them, I look old enough to be a responsible adult. Go figure, the first time someone doesn’t mistake me for a kid, post-vampirization, it’s annoying. This must be the universe mocking me for being annoyed by adults mistaking me for anywhere from fourteen to sixteen all the time.
No big deal. A minor mental poke adjusted their opinion of me from ‘parental narc’ to ‘tall tween.’ I’m not here to make sure the kids don’t do anything bad. Hanging out with a bunch of girls this age isn’t even my idea. Sophia insisted. We’re having fun for Sophia’s birthday. Seriously, there is no way in hell Sophia would ever do anything even remotely bad on purpose. She’s even expecting to go to sleep on time. I mean, come on. This is a girls’ sleepover. Sneakily staying up past bedtime is required by international law, even on school nights.
My sister still can’t handle scary movies, so we’ve got Zootopia playing on the TV, mostly for background noise. The girls are talking more than anything, and—except for Sierra—doing each other’s nails. Sierra’s not a big fan of nail polish. Proof I’m no longer a tween is quite obvious in my inability to meaningfully participate in most of their conversation. I don’t recognize half the TV shows or bands they mention. I have no idea what ‘Poppy’ is or why she is creepy as hell—but somehow cool. Both Priya and Soph are terrified of her. Sophia misses some of the TV references, too. She tends to read books for the most part. Admitting to this gets Nicole checking her forehead temperature for a fever.
For the most part, I sit back and exist here for Sophia’s benefit. She’d always been a little clingy and attached to me even before my death. In my opinion, I’d never been mean, cruel, or overly dismissive to her… just normal. Honestly, what sixteen-to-eighteen-year-old wants to spend hours hanging with their kid sister who’s eight years younger than them? I had friends of my own, schoolwork, summer jobs, all sorts of stuff pulling at my attention. Yeah, maybe I could have made more time for Sophia, but it’s not like I screamed at her to get out of my room whenever she tried to talk to me or told her she’s annoying.
Despite our relationship before having been relatively ordinary by most standards, I do feel guilty for not giving her more attention. It’s as irrational as a teleporting kitten who steals things. Oh, wait. She has one of those. Any girl who thinks their monthly visitor sends their emotions into wild overdrive should be glad they haven’t tried dying and coming back. I don’t recommend it.
Yeah, small uses of mind-control aside, we’re having a fun night.
Priya seems a bit on edge, though. The poor girl keeps looking around like someone is watching her. Then again, she is sitting ten feet away from a vampire.
Most of us don’t trigger ‘prey reactions’ in normal people since we don’t need to kill in order to feed. Sure, some vampires out there get off on drinking their victims to death. Rumor has it literally sucking the life out of a person is, to a vampire, what taking a hit of a powerful drug (like heroin or something) is to a mortal. Assuming, of course, doing heroin legit made people stronger, faster, and more powerful for a little while. Vamps who routinely kill-feed have an entirely different presence. You know how when looking at some dogs, it’s possible to say ‘yeah, he’s definitely going to pee and poop on the rug every chance he gets’? Same for vampires. The ones who kill-feed radiate malice.
I radiate the urge to hug bunny rabbits.
Sigh.
Could be worse, though. Can’t complain.
Priya keeps looking around like a PUBG player in their first match. The girls are in the middle of calling Justin Bieber ‘old’ and teasing Megan for liking his music. I wisely keep out of the conversation and take a peek into Priya’s thoughts.
She’s on edge, feeling nervous for no specific reason. The dark living room is scaring her all on its own. At least Priya’s not afraid of me. Hey, it might be a little petty to be happy about not being the focus of a kid’s fear, but there isn’t much left for me to be afraid of other than turning into a monster and/or the effect it would have on my family if I had to go away forever or died for good.
Maybe Blix—my little brother’s imp friend—is spying on us. Or… she senses the hellhound in the backyard. Or maybe Coralie, the ghostly oracle, is drifting around the house. Or this kid is picking up on the energy thrown off by whatever’s taken up residence in Sam’s closet. Things have been getting progressively crazier ever since the mystics tore Sophia’s soul out of her body and borrowed it as a spy. She’s done all sorts of odd magical stuff in her bedroom. Also, Dalton and Glim—two reasonably powerful vampires—have been in and out of the house somewhat frequently.
All of it must be imprinting some serious weird energy in the walls.
Yeah… I guess slowly but surely, we’re morphing into a dorkier version of the Addams Family. Won’t be long before our home becomes that house all the kids avoid on Halloween. Probably shouldn’t joke about it out loud or Sophia will enchant the place to be scary so we have more leftover candy.
Thinking about scary houses all the kids avoid going near gets me thinking about Mr. Niedermeyer. He lives in the last house on the left side of our cul-de-sac. The man’s been a butthead to kids ever since I was little. Probably before, too, but my memory only goes back so far. He’s been really quiet after our little war. Jackass tried to call the cops on the Littles for selling hot cocoa with the intention of donating the money to a veterans’ support group. So… I did the only thing reasonable in my situation: I sicced Blix on him. Exactly what went on inside the house, only he and Blix knows. Not gonna ask. My only conditions were not to cause physical harm or kill the guy. Imps are wicked pranksters, and they definitely have a malevolent streak. Their mayhem almost always leads to injury and death, the more painful, the more hilarious they find it. However, Blix is an oddity. Somehow, he made friends with my little brother and got hooked on the PlayStation. Guess imps don’t have video games in whatever alternate dimension they come from.
I could probably write a thesis on nurture vs. nature if discussing imps wouldn’t get me laughed out of college. As far as I can tell, Blix doesn’t have the same streak of ‘gleeful evil’ I observed in the others of his kind. This is entirely the reason he’s still alive. Odd as it is to say, I trust him. So does Sam. In a weird sort of way, it’s reassuring Blix is always with him. He’s small and no real threat to most people or supernatural beings, but he’s got plenty of tricks he can use to keep my little brother safe. Sierra is morbidly terrified of someone shooting up her school. No, there haven’t been any threats, but her school does drills. Swear, those drills scare the shit out of the kids as much as a real guy with a gun would.
With Blix around, a miscreant would have a real bad day.
So, yeah. Sophia’s elev
en… and she’s overdoing the cute today. The girl’s nowhere near as extra as Aurélie, but she’s rocking a frilly pink dress. Or was. Now, she’s in cat pajamas. No, she’s not so bad she has a onesie with a hood and cat ears. I saw this video a few months ago about a woman who’s like almost thirty but dresses up like she’s an eleven-year-old anime character. Fake neon hair, wild outfits, colored contact lenses, face paint even. Hard to tell from a short video, but she seemed way immature. The woman thought it cute. I think it’s heavy on the creepy and probably a sign of some serious underlying mental issues. Cosplaying at a convention is awesome, but living 24/7 dressed up like an anime girl and baby-talking to everyone is… eek. I mean, having fun is one thing but that’s some serious Kardashian level denial of the real world existing.
Fortunately, I don’t think Sophia is going to be anywhere near as bad. She doesn’t act overly childish, more shy-slash-skittish-slash-girlie. Even though having literal magic is giving her a modicum of bravery, she still won’t watch scary movies. Hell, even Gremlins gave her nightmares. It’s a good thing Blix is grey-and-black. If the imps had been green, she’d have lost her damn mind.
Whoa, I wonder if the writers for Gremlins encountered real imps?
So, my little sister isn’t overly childish, but she is a little immature. Sure, they went to Chuck-E-Cheese, which I guess isn’t entirely for five-year-olds. Sierra didn’t mind it as much due to them having a ton of arcade games. Sophia’s party at home felt a bit juvenile, but not as much as it did last year. Whether her (modestly) increased maturity is a result of age or magic, I’m not sure. Me participating in the sleepover portion hadn’t been in my plans, but I couldn’t say no to her begging.
Vampire Innocent | Book 11 | How To Stop A Vampire War In Six Easy Steps Page 1