by Leigh Kelsey
How could she trust herself at all? She’d never be safe as long as her heart remained open. She wished this demon magic coursing through her would harden her heart, build armour around it until she never trusted again.
“You did well,” Bernard said gruffly, a hand dropping onto her shoulder.
Lili’s eyes flew open; she’d forgotten he was out here. “I fell for her lies,” she muttered, her voice a twist.
“She’s a good liar.”
“They all are.” Lili laughed, shaking her head at how stupid she was.
And now here she was in Hell, surrounded by demons who were probably expert liars, at the mercy of Cerberus and Lucifer, who were probably manipulating her too. She had no warning system for trickery—how would she ever know what was genuine and what were pretty lies?
She wouldn’t.
“Chin up, Angel,” Bernard growled, his voice a tone softer than normal. “You got what we needed.”
Lili shook her head with a sigh, opened her eyes, and set off down the hall for the stairs up to the main house. She needed to lock herself in her room alone.
The only person she could trust not to deceive her was herself.
Feeling thoroughly sorry for herself, Lili threw herself onto the plush silk and velvet mass of her bed, letting the cushions absorb her shape as she cried herself hollow. It wasn’t because Melissa had lied, but because Lili had believed the lies. Again. And if she believed the human who’d deceived her, how could she believe Lucifer, Cerny, and Russ—even Bernard? His gruff demeanour might be a trick to keep her from looking too closely at him.
The sheets grew damp under her face, and then scratchy and hard, and eventually Lili fell asleep, her chest empty and aching.
The dream started out normally, the lapis spires and golden domes of Wisteria climbing above the clouds, bright calls of celebration rising into the atmosphere of the manicured park Lili and a thousand other angels crammed into. The crowds were cheering, chanting a name that Lili couldn’t distinguish until a bronze-winged figure landed gracefully on the stone plinth set up for such aerial landings.
Ice spread through Lili’s chest, freezing her lungs until plumes of chilled air exploded from her lips when she gasped, “No.”
Not even in her dreams.
Lili shoved at the press of bodies around her, heading for the exit at the back of the park when his cold voice carried over the sudden silence, the cheering cut off dead. “Liliana.”
The utter flatness of his voice, maybe a thread of disappointment and disgust if she strained for feeling, stabbed deep into her heart. It hit true, her battered organ fracturing even more, and Lili stumbled away. But the crowd pressed around her, suffocating, blocking her path. And the ice in her chest rushed down her legs, turning her bones and joints brittle. She dropped to her knees, an ache moving through her chest, so strong that she couldn’t breathe.
When she looked up, the crowd had vanished and Gabriel alone stood above her, burnished and glorious against the backdrop of sage trees, azure buildings, and pearly statues of the gods.
He waited until they made eye contact, held her gaze with sharp intent, and barked, “Report.”
Lili’s mouth fell open. “What?” she gasped, stammering over the word. “What?”
The hurt in her chest squeezed so tight, compounding until her whole body ached like she’d been run over by an army. Or like her wings had been severed and she’d been kicked—literally kicked—out of Heaven.
Lili’s next breath was a ragged mess of hurt and anger as she spat, “You don’t get to talk to me.” However she sensed it, she knew this wasn’t just a dream. He was here, inside her head, invading her safe space. Or he’d dragged her into the cesspit of his own mind.
Gabriel knelt before her, his beautiful face not shifting an inch from the aloof frostiness, the distance in his gaze yet another slap. It had all been a lie. He hadn’t loved her one bit. And it hurt, so much. But it made her angry too, enough that a little ember sparked in her belly.
Snaring her gaze with his, he repeated, “Report.”
Lili bared her teeth.
“Corrupted by Hell so soon,” he remarked with mild surprise. “How quickly you abandon your angelic nature.”
Lili caught the flinch before it could rock her, and drew up every bit of attitude she’d seen in Melissa, copying the human’s scorn as she snarled, “Fuck you.”
Gabriel blinked; Lili pressed her advantage.
“You used me. You saw a girl who didn’t know better than to trust a pretty, powerful man, and you exploited it. Exploited me.” Gods, the words hurt as she forced them up her swollen throat. “I gave you my trust and you crushed it. I gave you my body, and you should have drawn the line before we ever had sex. What you did was unforgivable. You’re an archangel. You hate demons for doing exactly what you did—for being vile creatures who only hurt, who only kill. Well, Gabriel, you have killed me.”
Her voice faltered, a mere whisper when she said, “That girl who could trust is gone; the Lili who loved you is dead.”
In her place was a Lili who questioned everyone’s motives, who couldn’t believe kindness came without strings, whose trust would be hard-won instead of freely given. And maybe she’d been stupid before, to give her trust and heart so easily, but he never should have twisted that trust away from her. She wanted to go back to that girl so badly, wanted to rewind to the night Gabriel had walked her to the cliff and tell herself to stop, to run. She hated it, this doubt and fear and distrust that was rapidly filling her. And all because of the archangel in front of her, a muscle twitching in his jaw.
“All of that,” he said dispassionately, “was the intention. Everything went according to plan—you agreed to enter Hell and help me with whatever I asked. You have your wish now. You are in Hell and in a position to tell me what I want to know.” Again, he snared her gaze, as if trying to will her to answer him.
Lili opened her mouth to hurl more abuse at him, but she paused at the last minute. Why not visit some of his own hatred upon him? Why not lie too? Gabriel was so vain and thought so little of her that Lili doubted he’d expect the duplicity from her. So she said, “I hate you. Why should I tell you anything?”
“Because it was your wish.” His mouth was a flat line. “How many armies does Lucifer have?”
Lili pretended to think, to mull over what she’d seen, and gave him the first number that came to mind. “Seventeen.”
A minute frown was his only reaction. “And what do they look like?”
Lili blinked owlishly. “Demons.”
Frustration ground his jaw but there was no sign of suspicion, so Lili just kept blinking, completely innocent and naive. “Fine. Where are they stationed?”
Lili shrugged. “I only saw them once, in a big field surrounded by short buildings. Battacks, I think they’re called.” Could he really be so vain to believe she was this witless?
He could.
“Barracks,” he corrected, turning his nose up at her stupidity. She should have done the same back at him; he’d so easily believed she’d got the word wrong. Lili hated lying, and it lined her stomach with an oily sickness, but she didn’t hate lying to him. There was a sense of justice in it that this new Lili liked. A lot. “Where are the barracks?” he demanded.
“I told you. In a field.”
“Near a city? A town? What is its name?”
Lili shrugged, that same vapid look on her face. “They didn’t tell me things like that.”
Gabriel didn’t question her response. Lucifer had told her the names of two cities and brought her along to investigate a breach—and he’d let her question the woman they’d found beneath it, despite everything that rested on the interrogation. The difference between those two men were starkly on display.
Lili didn’t give one single hint that she was lying, and Gabriel didn’t pry into her mind. He didn’t think her capable of it. Lili tried to stop his judgement hurting, but it still dug deep, a blade behind
her ribs.
“Fine,” Gabriel said, standing to his full height and fluttering his wings. “Find out the name of the nearest city. Report back to me tomorrow.”
“You’re a vile excuse for an angel,” Lili snarled, watching him pump his wings. He didn’t even smile as he leapt for the skies; he didn’t react at all. He didn’t care.
Lili slumped over her knees on the grassy floor, but she wouldn’t cry over him. Never again. He didn’t deserve it. She needed to wake up, to tell Lucifer about this dream. She didn’t fully trust him, and maybe she never would, but she trusted him a lot more than Gabriel and right now that was enough.
With the archangel gone, Lili was able to pull up the full force of her rage, and as heat surged in her veins, burning through the ice that had rimed her chest, she gasped and sat up in bed, sheets falling around her waist.
“Lili?”
She whipped her head around to see Cerny sat at the desk before the window, his worried blue eyes upon her and his wavy hair mussed. “What’s wrong?”
“I need to talk to Lucifer. Now.”
Lili must have been right about cameras being dotted all over the palace, because as soon as she burst out of the door and started down the hallway, Lucifer appeared in a cloud of black before her.
Lili’s urgent momentum carried her forward, and before she knew it, she was swept into his arms, his hands running down her sleep-messy hair. “What’s wrong?”
“He was in my dreams,” Lili gasped, starting to shake now that her need to find Lucifer was wearing off. “He made me tell him about your armies, and where I am, but I made it all up.”
Lucifer had tensed but as she finished, he tilted her head back with a knuckle under her chin, scanning her face with a wide-eyed expression. “You lied to him?”
Lili nodded, breathing quick, tremors rippling through her hands where they curled into Lucifer’s soft wool jumper. Panic crept up on her now that she knew she was safe. Gabriel had been inside her dreams. She’d never be able to sleep again.
“You hate lying,” Lucifer murmured, and tucked her into his arms again. “Shh,” he murmured, rubbing her back. “It’s alright, Liliana. It’s alright.”
“It’s not. Gab—he can get in my dreams.”
“Not if I block him.”
Lili’s head shot up, perilous hope slamming into her. He’d mentioned it before but… “You can keep him out of my head?” she whispered. “Even if he tries to force his way in?”
Lucifer nodded, a tightness around his eyes. “I should have done so for you today, but I didn’t know you’d be sleeping in the evening.”
Lili blushed, embarrassed, but Lucifer only dropped a kiss on her head, effectively melting her heart into a mush of emotions. She laid her head on his shoulder, daring to settle her arms around his waist and hold on tight. “He wants me to find out where we are and tell him the name of a city. But I don’t know any Hell cities except this one and Jast, and I can’t—I can’t tell him about Iarlon.” Breathing was impossible; Lili gasped and spluttered, drawing sips into her lungs that made her feel worse, lightheaded. “He can’t come here, he can’t—”
“He won’t.” Cerny came closer, squeezing her arm. His usually soft voice hardened at the edges, weighted by promise. “He won’t.”
Lucifer tightened his hold around Lili until her shaking eventually stopped. “Take a breath, Liliana, as deep as you can. That’s it, sweetheart.”
Lili stumbled through breathing; she’d never noticed before how she’d taken it for granted, the simple act of breathing in and out.
“He’s not getting anywhere near Iarlon,” Lucifer murmured. “I won’t let him. I’ll make sure he gets the name of another city.”
“But—” Lili tipped her head back, another surge of panic going through her. “But the people there will get hurt. He’ll kill them all.” She hadn’t realised she’d been scared of just that—Gabriel slaughtering everyone in Hell, herself included—until she’d spoken. “He’s going to kill me,” she breathed, and her heart turned to ash. She’d gone beyond pain, into nothingness.
She kept telling herself she should stop hurting, that Gabriel had never loved her so what was the point of still loving him, but the ache only grew. Lili became … numb.
“No,” Lucifer said in a hard voice Lili had never heard directed at her. He framed her face with his cool hands, putting enough space between them that he could look her dead in the eyes. “Don’t you give up, Liliana Kazana. Don’t let that miserable excuse for an angel break you. You’re stronger than this.”
“You don’t know me,” Lili replied, and the voice was a stranger’s. Flat, empty, uncaring.
“Lili?” Cerny breathed, moving into her line of sight, worry carved into every line of his handsome face. Lili didn’t care about that either.
“I’ve had enough,” she said, and moved to return to her bedroom, to sit beside the window and stare into space, but Lucifer knocked her legs from under her and caught her up against his chest. Even the jarring movement didn’t stun her out of the numbness. Lili didn’t bother to ask where they were going when he carried her away from her room, down a spiral staircase, and into a warmly lit cavern.
A pulse of surprise, of beauty, almost cut through Lili’s apathy but didn’t quite manage it. Still, the space was lovely, tiled in deep blue and amethyst, gold speckles of pyrite dancing in the lamplight.
“Why am I here?” Lili sighed as Lucifer set her on her feet.
“Because,” he replied, nodding as Cerny shut the door, closing the three of them into the wide space. “You’re exhausted even though you’ve slept, you’re terrified Gabriel is going to find you here, and you don’t know who you can trust.”
Lili shrugged as if to say so?
Lucifer watched her with gentle crimson eyes, a frown playing on his mouth. “Come on. Get in.”
Get in…? Oh. The mosaic floor led to a low, immense bath, the water reflecting the tiles in a way that had disguised it. Lili crossed her arms over her chest in protest at him bossing her around, slow-moving lava replacing the sluggish blood in her veins. “No.”
Lucifer raised an eyebrow, a smile twitching his beard. “These waters are restorative. They’ll make you feel better. And they’ll help with your wounds.”
Lili scowled, even though he made a fair point and she was intrigued. Healing waters? “Why should I believe you?” she argued, and knew she was being rude, but she couldn’t help it. Something had fractured her in the dream Gabriel forced upon her. “It could be poisoned.”
A swirl of inky shadow and Lucifer stood before her, a finger crooked under her chin. Lili shivered at his sudden closeness, the scent of vanilla and spice filling her lungs, cutting through the faint florals of the bath. “I would never harm you. I vow it.”
“If only I could believe you,” Lili snapped. But her attitude deserted her as that sentence sunk in. She wished she could trust him. It would be nice, to know someone was on her side. At this point Lili had managed to convince herself that even Mal from the academy had been lying to her, that she didn’t really like her and Michael had paid Mal to befriend her, or maybe Gabriel and Raphael had set her the mission.
Lili’s bottom lip wobbled, her emotions spinning out of control. Rage to hurt. Fury to betrayal. Hope to hopelessness. “I just want to stop feeling so…”
“Alone,” Cerny finished for her, his topaz eyes watching her with such sadness.
Lili nodded. The word fit. If she couldn’t trust anyone, she would always be lonely. Gabriel had done this, with Raphael and Ilaian. “I want him to pay,” she said, but it came out a faint whisper not a furious snarl.
“I know, Liliana,” Lucifer murmured, pulling her back into the circle of his arms. His chin rested on her head, her face tucked securely against his jumper and his warm skin. “And he will.”
“It hurts,” she gasped. “So much.” Tears soaked into his soft jumper, and Lili stammered to apologise for dampening what was probably very expe
nsive wool but he shushed her, his palm running down her hair. “Will it stop? Hurting?”
“One day,” Lucifer promised, his voice solemn. “And you have the four of us to help you heal.”
Lili wrinkled her nose, tipping her head back to look at him. “Four?”
She’d … she’d thought Lucifer might keep her. She couldn’t offer her heart while it was broken, but she’d thought, maybe, one day, they’d be together. But four…?
“Me,” he murmured, running fingers through her hair and over her shoulders, a shudder working through her at the feather-soft touch, “Cerny, Russ, and Bernard.”
“Bernard,” she echoed dubiously. “He hates me.”
“That’s just the way he is,” Cerny explained, his voice as smooth and sweet as honey. Heat slid along her back as he came closer, his slim, muscular body so close she could almost feel it against her spine. “He doesn’t hate you.”
Lili wasn’t sure. It didn’t really matter, did it? He was part of the group keeping her safe here in Iarlon, in Lucifer’s house. And there’d been a moment in the garden, when he’d looked … less mean.
“Okay,” Lili accepted, scrubbing the last tears from her face as they dried up. She met Lucifer’s eyes, drowning in the compassionate ruby depths. “What are we going to do about—him? If I don’t dream of him, he’ll know I’m hiding. So I have to tell him something. But I don’t want him anywhere near me, even in my sleep.”
Lucifer looked to Cerny, who had a calculating glint in his eye, his long hair curling in the steam. “We could monitor the dream. Let her sleep long enough to tell him her lies, then wake her.”
Lucifer nodded in easy acceptance but Lili was staring at Cerny with wide eyes. His throat bobbed as he noticed her scrutiny. That was the most he’d ever spoken in her presence. His voice was as soft as always, but rich like warm amber, and just slightly rasping. Different to Russ’s fast ramble, Lucifer’s smooth drawl, and Bernard’s gravelly growl.