by Ellen Joy
“I have no clue what to do about a living will?” She couldn’t swallow the lump in her throat. “Do you think you could talk to Olivia?”
“I’ll stop at the farm.” Jake gave her a hug, then took off. Hannah stayed on at the hospital. All these years, all that time, she had looked at her father’s absence as a loss, but as she looked at him lying in the hospital bed, she realized that the best gift he could have given her was making her leave. Her whole life had changed. The Boudreaus took her in, helped her raise the most amazing daughter on the planet, and given them a family. A real family, she realized now, much more real than the one she was born to. And she felt a gratitude she hadn’t before.
It was still early, but the sun had come out by the time his eyes opened. He looked around the room as the nurse checked the monitors and took his pulse.
“Good morning, Sleeping Beauty,” the nurse said, as he blinked in confusion. “How are you feeling, Mr. Destin?”
“I’m thirsty,” he whispered, his voice raspy.
“Let’s get you some ice chips, okay?” She wrapped the stethoscope around her neck. “I’ll be right back.”
“Hi, Dad,” Hannah said softly. She stood at the side of his bed. “Can I get you anything?”
He shook his head, staring off into space.
“Do you want me to leave?”
He didn’t answer, but tears sprang to his eyes. He shook his head again.
She nodded and looked at his hand. She thought about taking it, but wasn’t sure if he’d yell at her to get away. She went back to the chair and sat. His eyes immediately closed.
“I forgive you,” she whispered.
His eyelids fluttered.
“I forgive you, because my life is full now. I will never understand, but I forgive you.”
Suddenly, like a kite filling with wind, Hannah felt lighter, freer. Joel Destin was a man with many regrets, yet she had very few. She had nothing to be ashamed of in the way she lived. She was an independent woman who had raised a child who was warm and caring. She was a good mother. She was a good friend. A hard worker.
She was enough, without him.
“Would you like to meet your granddaughter?”
His eyes opened, and he turned his head. “Yes.”
The door opened and another nurse came in with a cart. “We’re going to wash up and change the sheets, Mr. Destin.” She smiled at Hannah. “There’s a coffee machine down the hall, and someone brought muffins in.”
Hannah got up, giving him a reassuring nod.
“You coming back?” he asked.
“If you want.”
He nodded. Another tear fell from the corner of his eye.
“Okay.”
Jake went to the French Farm to give Olivia and Jesse the prognosis. Olivia went with him to Joel’s house and used the keyring Hannah had given him to get inside. They packed up some basics into a bag and headed to the hospital.
“How’s he doing?” Olivia asked, when Hannah came out into the hall.
Hannah shook her head. “He’s alive. But they’re going to put him on hospice care at the county nursing home.”
Jake could tell that Hannah had been crying. He reached out and pulled her into a hug. He wanted to wrap her in his arms and never let go.
Hannah’s arms stayed around him longer than he expected, and he felt a warm glow at the thought that she was finally opening up to him.
“I’ll figure out the next steps, so you don’t have to worry about a thing, okay?” Olivia took her hand. “You just worry about you.”
“How’s Emma?” she asked, dabbing the corner of her eye.
“She’s fine,” Olivia rubbed her arm. “She’s just worried about you.”
“All this worry.” Hannah’s eyes filled with tears. “I don’t know what I’d do without all of you.”
Jake could feel the sting of tears himself, and he almost laughed. How long has it been since he cried? Since Victor’s death? He had thought he’d lost the ability to ever really feel so much again, after seeing his best friend’s life end right before his eyes.
Olivia punched a number into her phone and walked off down the hall, talking quietly.
He pulled Hannah into him again. “Let me get you something to eat.”
“I’m really not hungry,” she said, laying her hand on his chest. “You should go. I’ll be fine.”
He shrugged. “Nah, I’ll stay. I can sit in the waiting area.”
“Jake, really, I’m okay.” Her voice was sharp, and it took him aback.
“Let me at least grab you some coffee?” he said. “Or we could go for a short walk, get some fresh air.”
Hannah looked back at her father’s door. “I can tell he’s scared, you know. I just feel bad leaving him alone.”
“He doesn’t deserve you.” Jake didn’t mince words.
Hannah took in a deep breath, seeming annoyed by the comment. “Maggie told me her only regrets were of things left undone. Joel Destin might have been a terrible father, but that doesn’t mean I want to be a terrible daughter. I don’t want to look back and regret not trying hard enough.”
“He’s lucky to have you,” Jake said, trying to catch her eye, but by the way she was avoiding his, he could tell something else was bothering her. “Is there something wrong?”
“Yes, my dad’s dying.”
Hannah turned away as Olivia returned and kissed Hannah on the cheek. “I’m going to head out. I’ve got Emma, Mae, and everything covered.”
“She has that babysitter’s club after school.”
“Yup, Maggie’s going to pick her up.” Olivia looked at her phone. “I’m going to run home to shower, and then I’m going to head to the court and make arrangements.”
Hannah’s eyes widened. “I can’t afford much.”
Olivia shook her head. “Hannah, don’t worry. We will make sure you’re okay.”
Jake nodded. “Seriously, we’re here for you.”
Olivia kissed her again and then headed out.
Hannah wiped her eyes on her sleeve. “I’m sorry to be such a bother.”
“You have absolutely nothing to apologize about.” The line between his eyes deepened.
She sniffled, then smiled, but he could see the conflicts building inside her. Tiny little fires burning everywhere.
“Want to take a walk?”
She shook her head.
“Alright. I guess I’ll go.” He jabbed his thumb behind him, stepping away. “Let me know if you want me to bring your car.”
“Olivia’s taking care of it.” Hannah eyes flickered away from his.
Jake took the hint.
She filled out paperwork, then rode with her father to the nursing home. By the time he was settled, she was so tired she could barely think. She had Olivia pick her up.
At the house, Emma was watching a baseball game with Maggie and Jesse.
“How you doing?” she asked, yawning, wanting to go straight to bed, but knowing Emma would want to talk.
“How’s grand… your dad?” she asked. Her innocence made Hannah’s heart ache.
“He’s sick, but hopefully they will make him comfortable.”
The doctors said he hadn’t gotten the treatment he needed. That he’d ignored the symptoms and carried on as usual. The heavy drinking hadn’t helped. He might have weeks, but most likely days. Now, Hannah had to figure out if she should allow Emma to meet her grandfather when he was in such a state.
“Will I get to say goodbye?” Emma asked, as if reading her mind.
Hannah wished she could talk privately with Maggie. She’d know the right answer.
“He’s very frail, hooked up to a lot of machines, and a bit confused.” She took in a deep breath. “But if you want to meet him, and say goodbye…”
“I do,” Emma said, right away.
“Then, I can take you to see him after school.”
“No, mom! I can’t do school knowing I’m going to visit him.” She shook her head.
“Please, can’t I go in the morning? What if he doesn’t make it?”
Hannah already wished she hadn’t agreed. What if he got angry, like always? She didn’t want Emma to carry around the same kind of memories she did.
“Please.”
“We’ll go in the morning.” She saw Maggie smile.
Emma stretched over to Hannah’s side of the couch and gave her a hug. “Love you, Mama.”
“I love you too, Goose.”
She walked Emma back to the apartment and kissed her goodnight. Although she scrolled through her phone on her bed, Hannah didn’t have the heart to remind her about the rules.
“Do you think he’ll be able to talk?” Emma asked.
Hannah wasn’t sure what to expect. “He’s on a lot of medication.”
Hannah could feel the emotions building up again; pain, sadness, regret, and an overwhelming feeling of misplaced love. And threaded through it, her guilt at how she had treated Jake. She wanted to apologize to him. He was about to lose his home, and he still dropped everything to come to her aid. Why had she snapped at him? She just couldn’t help the anxiety that overwhelmed her when things seemed too good to be true. She was afraid to yield to the help that was so generously offered, for fear of falling apart if it was suddenly taken away. She’d had to rely so heavily on herself that she didn’t know if she’d ever learn to graciously accept help from others. If only she could do something for him, something meaningful so that she wouldn’t have to feel so vulnerable.
Chapter 18
Hannah hadn’t heard the term palliative care before, and she’d never been around anyone who was dying. Troy’s death had been her first experience, and even now it didn’t seem completely real. She’d never seen Troy’s body, and sometimes she forgot he was dead. He hadn’t really been around before, so his death didn’t change much.
Except that she didn’t have to hide her money.
She knew he had broken into her apartment looking for it, though he never found her stashes. She also knew he’d mooched from Emma once, and she’d put her foot down. Emphatically.
After breakfast, Maggie offered to drive. “You should have someone there for moral support.”
Emma asked lots of questions.
“How long does he have? What kind of cancer?”
She hardly knew the answers. The doctors had talked about all these things, but she hadn’t really listened. It was just so hard to focus.
The nurse led them down the hall. Hannah kept her eye on Emma. As they passed each room, Emma peeked inside. The beeping and buzzing noises from all the machines seemed to make her nervous, but she didn’t hesitate when the nurse stopped outside the door.
“Emma, let me go in first,” Hannah said. She didn’t know what kind of mood he would be in.
“Okay.”
“We’ll be right here.” Maggie pointed to a set of chairs near the nursing station.
She went in quietly. His eyes were closed, and his skin tone had changed from red and splotchy to ashen, almost translucent. She could see death creeping in.
“Hi Daddy,” she said. She didn’t move closer.
His eyes flickered but didn’t open. She thought he was listening, though.
“I brought Emma with me today,” she said, speaking a bit louder. “Your granddaughter. I want you to meet her, but you will treat her with kindness, or I will take her home,” she warned him, not sure if he’d be able to respond. But he finally opened his eyes, then nodded slowly.
Emma jumped out of her chair when she poked her head out the door.
“He’s on a lot of medication,” Hannah warned.
“You already told me that, Mama.” Emma walked past her into the room. “Hi Grandpa,” she said, pulling up a chair next to his bed. She placed her hand on his, and he flinched. “I’m Emma. I’m so glad to meet you.”
Hannah saw a tear stream down from his eye, but he didn’t speak.
Emma kept talking, telling her grandfather everything about her life. “I ride a horse named Trigger… I’m in seventh grade, but I’m already taking algebra… I want to be a teacher when I grow up.”
When the nurse came in again to check his vitals, Emma leaned over old, hard, Joel Destin and kissed him on the cheek.
“Sleep well, Grandpa,” Emma said softly near his ear. “We’ll be back tomorrow.”
To say that Hannah had been distant would be an understatement.
“She does this,” Olivia said from the kitchen door, when Jake “stopped by” to see if Hannah was at the farmhouse. “She has trust issues, not a few of them because of that man who’s lying in the hospital.” She swung the door further open. “Come in and have some coffee.”
Jake removed his hat. “I’m sorry to intrude.”
Jesse, who was sitting at the table with his breakfast, shook his head. “Actually, I’m glad to see you.”
This surprised Jake. He took a seat.
“I’m looking for an extra hand, someone who can work full time.” He took a bite of scrambled eggs, then pointed his fork at the stove. “There’s plenty of food.”
“No, thank you, though.” Jake shook his head. He couldn’t eat. He was still rattled by the whole situation with Joel, and how Hannah had stopped talking to him just when he had thought she was really opening up. His head kept reminding him of all the rational reasons why she hadn’t called. Her father was dying! Of course, he wasn’t on her top priority. But in his heart, he felt that her distance was due to something more.
“So, would you be interested?” Jesse asked.
“Did someone leave the ranch?” He was almost certain Hannah had set this up. He had worked and volunteered enough at the ranch to know they had plenty of hands already.
Jesse shook his head. “Just hitting the busy season, need more people.”
It was true that one could never have enough help on a ranch, but he was determined not be a charity case. He didn’t have much left, but he still had his pride.
“I’m actually thinking of finding something in construction.” He might have just decided it then and there, but working on the Gunderson barn, putting the project together from beginning to end had been satisfying. And he’d been good at it.
“We were just talking about redoing all the bathrooms!” Olivia’s voice rose in excitement. “Would you be willing to do some renos?”
He hesitated. “I haven’t done a bathroom before. You’d probably want to hire someone who knows what they’re doing.”
“She’s serious. We’re really looking to hire someone.” Jesse scooped a spoonful of oatmeal and put it in a bowl for Mae. “We’d like to build a master suite on the main floor, for Maggie.”
“That would be nice,” Jake said, looking around the old farmhouse. “Would you like to extend off the side there?” he pointed.
“Yes, exactly.” Olivia indicated a pantry and bathroom. “We’d like to take this wall out.” She gestured for Jake to follow her and showed him the wall. “And have a little sitting area here with a gas fireplace, a bathroom here.” She swept her arm to the other side of the hall. “Then a bedroom, with a door leading outside.”
“That sounds like a great project, but I haven’t had a lot of experience, yet.”
“You have to start somewhere,” Jesse said. “I know you can build.”
Olivia nodded eagerly. “At least think about it.”
“I will.” He nodded. “I should let you guys eat your breakfast.”
“Hannah lived here when Emma was a baby,” Olivia blurted, before he could duck out the door. “When I went to college and my mom married Sam, she left the farm, too, even though we asked her to stay. None of us wanted her to move out, but that’s Hannah. She can’t stand to think that she might be dependent on, or beholden to, anyone. It’s not personal.”
“What should I do?” Jake really didn’t know. Did he back off? Give her some space? Or did he show her that he loved her? “I want to marry her.”
Olivia beamed at him. “We wa
nt that, too.”
Two days after arriving at the nursing home, Joel Destin passed away. After Emma said goodbye, Hannah sat beside him and held his hand as he took his last breath.
Pastor Phil sat beside her and said a prayer. Maggie took Emma home, promising to send Olivia to help with the paperwork. Hannah had taken care of most of the details already, arranging for a cremation service and a small gathering at the farm.
She didn’t invite Jake. She didn’t know how. She just couldn’t imagine asking him, “Hey, would you like to go to my deadbeat drunk of a father’s funeral?” Especially after she had been so cool to him at the hospital.
She knew Olivia was on her way, but watching her father lie there, lifeless, was too much. She wanted so badly to call Jake, but she just couldn’t do it. Why did she always push people away, even when she knew she needed them? She kept her eyes on the floor, not able to move, not able to hold back her emotions.
Then she sensed his presence, even before she felt his hand on her shoulder.
She turned and jumped out of her chair and into Jake’s arms.
She buried her face against his chest and cried, deep, hollow, sobbing from the bottom of her heart. Jake said nothing, just held her close against him.
When she let go, she felt as though her tears had allowed the old poison to leech out of her, as though she might finally be able to move forward.
“Will you have a ride home?” Pastor Phil asked.
“Yes, thank you so much,” she said. Her heart was strangely serene as she took Jake’s hand into hers.
He would take her home.
Chapter 19
Olivia called Hannah at the house. “I found the will.”
“He actually left a will?” This surprised Hannah. She bounced Mae on her hip. “Does he have anything to his name?”
Hannah wasn’t sure if the house was paid for or not. He’d lived there for as long as she could remember, and always lived modestly. He wasn’t rich by any stretch of the imagination, but he always had a roof, heat, and food.