“He tied her up.”
“Was she screaming?”
I fell back onto the bed, too upset to say anything, so I nodded my head.
“That really hurt when you heard her scream, didn’t it?”
“Don’t do this, Mona. You’re wrong.”
“You’re not a monster. You’re in love. The proof is all around you. The kind of man you’re making yourself out to be doesn’t even understand the concept of love.”
“It doesn’t matter how I feel. She’s never going to be with me. She’s afraid of me. She…saw me…”
“Anyone in your situation would’ve lost control. That doesn’t make you a killer. It doesn’t mean that you’re a cold-blooded sociopath. It means that you love her, and you were faced with the possibility of seeing her die. I’d have shot him. Does that make me a monster?”
I blocked her out.
“Archer, you know I’m right. What did she say?”
“She begged me not to. Then she started to say that she couldn’t be with me if I hurt him. I still tried to strangle him, and she was screaming. Any longer and he would’ve been dead.”
“The shock will wear off.”
“How can you say that so easily after what happened?”
“She’s not as blind as you are.”
“I don’t know that.” Mona sat down next to me and wrapped her arms around my shoulders. I rested my head on her chest. We didn’t say anything. She knew that I might be right, even from her sharp, pragmatic perspective. This was too much for Zoe. “I need her here.”
“I know.”
“No, you don’t know.” I pulled back. “This whole room smells like her. The bed, the mattress, the canopy, the air. She’s here. I can practically feel her. I can see us together. It’s torture.” My voice cracked.
“I know.”
“Why is this happening?”
“It’s a test. I know that sounds terrible, but that’s exactly what it is. If she walks away and doesn’t come back, then she’s too stupid to see how good of a man you are, and she doesn’t deserve you.”
“I don’t deserve her! Why can’t you understand that?”
“Because you’re human and in order to truly love somebody, you have to move past your ideal version of who they are. If they can’t do that, then they can’t love you for all of the amazing things that make you you.” She glanced down at the floor where I’d left an empty fifth of whiskey the night before. “You’re beautiful, Archer. You have to love yourself, too, because if you don’t, you’re going to keep going for the wrong woman. You didn’t see Cara like I did. You wanted somebody who wanted to hurt you, and now you want Zoe, and if she can’t accept you, even if she comes back, you’ll be making a huge mistake.”
“How can I love myself after what I’ve done?”
“You have to see it in the context of the situation and take into account the intensity of your relationship.”
“It’s not that easy.”
“Not when you’re this emotional, but I know that after a time, regardless of what happens, you’ll see things in a different light. She’s the one that’s wrong. You didn’t act like a monster—you proved yourself to her.”
“I can’t cling to any of this.”
“Fine.” She got up. “Hide from the world. Destroy your life. Drink until there’s nothing left. It’s your choice.” She walked out.
I got in the shower, and I turned the water on as hot as I could. I needed the pain. It felt good to know that I knew there was something wrong with me. I didn’t measure up.
I grabbed my loofa and poured soap on it, determined to hurry up and get to work. Once I started scrubbing, I couldn’t stop. I felt dirty, like I’d been tainted by my actions. Even when I saw the blood running down the drain, it wasn’t enough. I’d never be clean.
I would have killed him.
My skin was raw and burning, and my eyes were bloodshot. It didn’t matter. I threw on the first shirt I could find and hobbled into a pair of pants, then sat down on my bed to put on my shoes and socks.
“Archer,” Mona called from the nursery.
I stepped into my shoes and ran down to see what she wanted. “What is it?” I asked when I walked into the nursery.
She was sitting on the chair holding Abel who was sucking on a bottle with his eyes drooping. “I just wanted to see the way you softened up when you saw him. I thought maybe it’d calm you down a little bit.”
I turned around and walked down the stairs. It was a noble effort, but even Abel couldn’t change things. Seeing him would just remind me of what it was like to have Zoe there with me. She was good with the boys. I leaned against the banister. My breath caught in my throat. I couldn’t allow myself to think about her.
I had thousands of people depending on me to keep my company running, and I was acting like a child. This didn’t matter, I told myself. It didn’t. She was just one woman.
I shook my head and started walking back down. She wasn’t just one woman. She was Zoe. Without her, I’d end up just like my father. Mona was right. I couldn’t handle the pressure of raising the twins alone, and I wasn’t whole without a woman by my side. I never was.
I waited outside while the driver pulled up. My phone was buzzing well before we got on the road, but I didn’t have the energy to deal with that. I wasn’t even sure it was a good idea for me to go into the office after what’d happened. I looked like a mess. People would see me. They’d talk and ask questions. I was the boss. I couldn’t have a visible crisis. I’d have to turn back and go home.
I pressed the intercom button to talk to the driver. “Sir?”
The black leather seats and the windows were fading away, and I was standing over Mr. Beetle with a gun pointed at him.
“Sir?”
I was ready to kill him. I had my finger on the trigger, and I was going to do it.
“Sir, is everything okay?”
“Sorry.” I pulled my finger off the button and looked around the cabin. I was in the limousine. That was over. He was alive, and he got what he deserved, no more, no less. But I was still a monster. I still strangled him, even though Zoe begged me not to do it. I still went ahead anyway.
We stopped at a checkpoint outside the base. My window was rolled down, and the MP was staring at me with his hand held out. “ID?”
“Here.” I reached into the pocket and pulled out the card.
The man gave me an odd look before scanning it. He took his time reading it and checking the back. Then he handed it back to me. “Go on through.”
The chain link gate opened, and we drove onto the base. I was going to lock myself in my office and stay in there until the day was over. It didn’t matter who called or showed up at the front desk. It could be the president himself, and I still wouldn’t open the door for him. That was the only way I was going to keep from exploding.
The receptionist was waiting at the back entrance when we pulled up. She came right up to my window and knocked on it. “Sir?”
“Go away,” I yelled through the door.
“It’s important.”
“I don’t care right now, Angela.”
“But sir…”
I pressed the intercom button. “Do you want me to pull out?” the driver asked.
“Take me to the testing department warehouse, and when you get there, tell everyone to leave except for the supervisor.”
“Yes, sir.” He put the car in reverse and peeled out. I didn’t know what I was doing. I just knew that I wasn’t going to get away with walking into the office without being bombarded by a thousand things at once, and I knew what would happen.
I couldn’t let anyone see me like this. Rick was the only person I could trust. He was vulgar and sloppy, but he was real, and he didn’t want anything from me. The limo stopped at the back of the warehouse, and the driver got out so Rick could talk to him.
They had a long exchange, and both glanced my way. I kept my head down, but I knew that they both
knew something was wrong. I should’ve left. Rick wouldn’t talk, and neither would the driver, but I was making a scene. People were going to know.
Rick crawled into the seat next to me. “What happened?”
“Fuck everyone.” I shouldn’t have come.
“Are you okay? You look like you got in a fight with a bobcat.”
“Somebody broke into Zoe’s house and tied her up and tried to attack her.”
“Holy shit. Did you get him?”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“Tell me you did something, man. You must’ve. Look at you.”
“I went too far.”
“Is he dead?”
“No, he’s not dead.”
“That’s too bad.” Rick shook his head. “If a guy came after my girl, I’d put him in the fucking ground. After I made him suffer.”
“That’s sick.”
“What? No, don’t tell me you’re beating yourself up over this shit.”
“I almost killed him! She was begging me to stop, and I kept going. I kept going, Rick. Had she not been there, he’d be dead. She was right to leave me.” I slammed my hand against the window, and it nearly shattered.
“She left you? Forget her, Archer. You risk your ass to save her life, and she walked out? If you’re still into her, there’s something wrong.”
“You think it’s okay to just go around attacking people?”
“I think you did what you had to do, and that you were in a bad situation.”
“Now I’m alone, and I hate myself.”
“Go home. Screw those people at the office. Take a sleeping pill, go to bed, and don’t wake up until you’re making sense.”
“No…”
He got out and ducked his head in. “I already told the driver to take you, and he says that he won’t bring you back to the office no matter what you do.” Rick walked off before I could respond. I didn’t have a choice. I couldn’t show up to work looking the way that I did. How could I get people to respect me when I couldn’t even respect myself?
Mona rushed downstairs when I walked in. She stopped when she saw me and rested her hands on her hips. “What are you doing?”
I sidestepped her to walk back up the stairs.
“Tell me you’re not going to go up there and mope again.”
“I need a sleeping pill. I know you have them.” I turned back to her.
“That is the most sensible thing I’ve heard in a long time.” She fished a bottle of pills from her purse. “Here.” She held out two of them. “Forget that you exist. When you wake up, I’ll give you some more.”
I took one out of her hand and swallowed it dry. “I’m not an escapist.” I started to walk back up to my room.
“No, you’re just a masochist,” she called up.
I wondered whether or not it was okay for a monster to be a masochist. Maybe in the eyes of the world, it would just make me seem more pathetic.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Zoe
I got out of my car and delayed the walk up to the back door as long as I could. Chloe was sitting on a milk crate next to the dumpster. There was a pile of cigarette butts next to her feet, and she had a pack of menthols sitting in her lap. “Are you done?” she asked when I got to the door and pulled out my keys.
I ignored her and unlocked the door so I could grab my apron.
“He saved your life.”
I whipped around to face her. “I can’t take this, not now.”
“Zoe.” She stepped closer. I turned around to walk away, but she got in front of me.
“Leave me alone.” I tried to push past her, but she wasn’t letting it happen.
“No.”
“Why do you care so much?” I asked her.
“He didn’t hesitate. The second he saw me run into his house crying, he was on his feet, ready to run down and save you. If it weren’t for him, you would be dead. Do you get it?” She snapped her fingers in my face. “D-e-a-d. Dead.”
I stepped around her.
“You loved him,” she said.
I stopped halfway to the lobby door and felt the tears falling down my cheeks, blurring my vision. I had to keep my back turned. She couldn’t see me cry over him. I’d already made an idiot out of myself, swooning the way I had been. That was over. I was a successful business owner, a baker, and a friend—nothing more. I couldn’t be with him.
“You want him.”
“Yeah, well that doesn’t matter because it’s over. He’s not going to take me back after I rejected him. It’s like you said, he saved my life, and I kicked him to the curb.”
“I hope you’re wrong.”
“I do, too.”
Chloe came around and gave me a hug. It was nice knowing that even though I was cruel and cold-hearted, somebody still cared. I was starting to tremble, softly, then hard with quick, tear-jerking sobs that rolled down my body. I had to hold onto her just to keep from falling over.
“I did love him. I loved him so much.”
“I know.”
“I’m so stupid. I’m so fucking stupid.” I kicked the wall, and my foot went through, sending me crashing forward into the wall. I fell down onto my knees.
“Come here.” Chloe reached her hand out to help me up.
“No!” I flailed my head around. “It’s not right. He should be here.”
“He is.”
“No, he’s not. He probably hates me.”
“No, Zoe. He’s staring right at me. Clean your face up and go out there right now, and don’t you dare fuck this up.” She wrenched me off the ground, and I rushed out into the lobby, around the counter, and threw myself into his arms. He didn’t push me away or try to stop me. He opened his arms and pulled me in.
We both were shaking. I was laughing and crying, and he refused to let me go. He pulled me closer and let me cry as long as I wanted. “You heard me, didn’t you?” I asked.
“I love you.” He pulled back and grabbed my hands. “I love you, Zoe. I don’t want to let you go. I can’t.” I stared at him, hoping to find some way to convince myself that he was real. I could feel him, I could see him, but after everything I’d put him through, he couldn’t possibly be here with me.
Even with all that happened, he still looked beautiful, with his hair disheveled, and his beard starting to grow out again. I could see the signs of stress. His eyes were bloodshot, and there was a cut on his cheek. He didn’t hate me.
“I’ll never give up on you,” he said.
I grabbed him by the back of the head, pulled him forward, and slammed our lips together. “I love you,” I whispered.
“Come with me.” He took me by the hand and led me outside into his limo. When I got in, I scooted close to him. I felt like I had to touch him at all times. I still couldn’t believe that he was real. It wasn’t possible. “I’m still really conflicted about the way I acted.”
“Don’t be.”
“No.” He pulled back. “I don’t think I can feel comfortable with what I did.”
“Archer.” I rested my hand on his thigh. “I’m at peace with it.”
“Why?” He rested his head in his hands and ran his fingers through his hair. I could feel the tension rising in him. I had no idea that he was so shaken up by what he did. It just reinforced my belief that he wasn’t the monster I’d made him out to be.
“Because of your intentions.”
“I intended to kill him.”
“Because you wanted to protect me.”
“I almost killed him.” The intensity in his eyes was palpable when he glared at me.
“You’re not that guy.”
“I am.”
“No.” I grabbed his hand. “If you were, you wouldn’t feel bad about it at all.”
He squeezed my hand and turned to look at me. “You really think that?”
“Would I be here with you if I didn’t?”
“No,” he said. “I guess you wouldn’t.”
“And I wouldn�
�t be alive if it weren’t for you. I’m the one who screwed up. You’ve always cared. You’ve always wanted me, even when you were pulling away. I don’t understand it, but you’re loyal. That’s more than I can say about most men.”
“Thank you.”
“I mean it. You mean a lot to me. I feel like I can trust my heart with you, and I never trust anyone. It’s you and Chloe, and that’s it. You’re the same way. That’s why I know you’re for real. You never would’ve let me come around your boys unless you were certain that you could feel safe when I was around them.”
“I do trust you. I just don’t feel like I can trust myself.”
“Have you ever lost control like this before?”
“No, but…”
“Then it’s not a part of who you are. I can’t believe that I did this to you. I made a huge error in judgment, and now you’re taking it to heart. That’s what this is. Don’t you get that?”
“It’s a lot to carry around.”
“I feel the same way, but you were there for me. We went through it together. We didn’t work against one another. You didn’t come at me. We were victims, both of us, fighting for our lives. He could’ve stabbed you. He could’ve had a gun on him. You didn’t know. When you ran in there, you had to attack him. He was going to come at you.”
“You’ve thought about this a lot, haven’t you?” he asked.
“I spent all last night trying to tell myself that getting rid of you was the right thing. I wasn’t going to come around until Chloe practically drilled the truth into my head, and then there was no coming back from it. I hurt you.”
“It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not. I want to make that clear. Archer, this has nothing to do with you. I don’t take risks, and I don’t like surprises; you know that. I sabotaged the whole thing because I was worried that you would hurt me, and there was no way I could be certain that you wouldn’t. That’s all it was. All of the rest of that crap was just an excuse.”
“We both did that.”
“I think that we both need something to cling to so that we can be sure.”
“I’ll hold on to you if you hold on to me.”
I laid my head down on his shoulder. “Promise?”
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