by J. D. Light
What if he didn't? What if me telling him he was my mate made him feel obligated to let me claim him and he actually didn't want to be with me at all?
I noted the empty bar stool next to me and the way he'd chosen the one across from me instead.
But what about the blow job in the shower?
What about it? A single man isn't going to turn down a blow job.
But we kissed until we fell asleep.
He was still in shock and feeling emotional about finding out he could have a baby. He has still never shown any signs in all those years that he thought of you as anything but Decker's little brother and then possibly a friend.
You're an asshole, you know that?
Crawford cleared his throat, raising his eyebrows at me in expectation.
Right. I'm the one who has to start the conversation. And having one with the voices in my head was probably going to earn me a room with Alpha Vance in the shifter rehab clinic if I wasn't careful.
"Would you consider being mine?" I blurted awkwardly, making a face at the very Valentine's Day sentiment and wishing I could rewind and try again.
Crawford bit his lip, looking away and my heart sank.
That looks an awful lot like a build up to a no.
Told you.
"Are you hesitant because of my stalker issues?" I asked quietly around the knot in my throat.
"No," I saw him tilt his head to the side in my peripheral vision, but I couldn't look up from where my hands were on the counter top, not sure if I could handle whatever look was on his face. "That's oddly cute."
I did shift my eyes then, frowning. "Is it because of my brother?"
"No." He was looking at me like he was trying to figure something out, his eyes narrowed and super focused on my face. "Decker might not like it, but he loves us both."
"Is it because I'm a mess?" I turned my head and eyeballed the spotless counter top he'd had to clean, because of me, and he followed my gaze, cringing.
"No, I know that problem is definitely mine." He turned back to me, sighing, and I gave him my full attention, not liking the sadness in his eyes. "I have a few issues I haven't quite worked out yet, but I actually like cleaning, so I don't mind picking up after you." He eyed me dryly. "If it's reasonable."
Probably a good call on his part to put that stipulation in there. I was well aware of my ability to grab a person's inch and drag it for miles.
I licked my lips, pausing to gnaw on the bottom one before releasing it. I didn't miss how his eyes lingered on the wet flesh. At least I knew attraction wasn't the problem.
Great! That just means you're probably annoying as fuck and he doesn't want to deal with you.
"Then what?" I asked hesitantly, not sure I wanted to know the answer anymore.
"I don't really want to say," he said cringing.
Well, that's pretty transparent. He didn't want to say something that would hurt my feelings. Which meant, my feelings were more than hurt. "Oh," I whispered, once again dropping my gaze, watching my fingers as I ran them around the base of my empty coffee cup, fidgeting.
"Hey." His voice was soft, and I had to take a deep breath and hold it so my face wouldn't give in to the need to cry. I didn't want him to know how hurt I was. For some reason, I couldn't let him feel guilty, because he didn't want to be with me.
It wasn't fair and it hurt so much, I wasn't sure how I was ever going to recover, but I couldn't let him feel like he'd done something wrong, because he hadn't. You couldn't help who you didn't like any more than you could help who you did.
"Hey," he said again, placing a finger under my chin and lifting my face so he could see my eyes. When had he even stood and moved around to my side of the counter? "Whatever you're thinki––"
His phone ringing cut him off and he turned toward the living room where he'd left it the night before growling. "Not now, Leboney," he grumbled, waiting for the thing to stop ringing before he turned back to me.
"I didn't mean tha––"
The phone started ringing again with the same ringtone and he growled in frustration and dropped his head forward, running his thumb along my jaw before looking back up and meeting my eyes.
"I better get that. If she's calling twice in a row, it might be an emergency."
I nodded, almost relieved when he walked out of the room. I didn't think I wanted to hear his whole, it's not you, it's me speech. It wouldn't make the rejection sting any less and I didn't think I could make it through the fucking thing without breaking down.
Chapter Five
I pulled my phone out of my pocket as I listened to Crawford answer the phone and grumble at his sister about calling more than once in a row when it wasn't an emergency, and I texted my brother.
Me: He doesn't want me.
Cock Blocking Dildo: Trust me he does.
I almost smiled at the way I'd programed his name into my phone after he left the night before, but even picking on my brother didn't make me feel any better.
Me: He doesn't. He just told me.
Cock Blocking Dildo: Did he say why?
Me: He said he doesn't want to tell me why.
Cock Blocking Dildo: I bet he'll change his mind if you tell him you're his mate.
Me: If he doesn't want me, he doesn't want me. Telling him he's my mate at this point will just make him feel guilty and he'll probably sacrifice himself to the cause.
Cock Blocking Dildo: There is no way he is rejecting you, Linc. I know him. He's crazy about you.
Me: I don't know what to do, Deck.
I felt the tears prick in my eyes as I typed that last one and I had to take another deep breath to stem any more as I quickly used the collar of my shirt to mop up what were trying to spill over my lids.
"Leboney said to tell you hi," Crawford said behind me, just as I released my shirt.
I nodded, giving him my best fake smile before glancing down at my phone when it dinged.
Cock Blocking Dildo: Don't give up. Make him tell you why.
I cleared my throat, trying not to start crying over my brother being so sweetly adamant that Crawford wanted me, and the idea of actually getting him to tell me. It was still something I wasn't sure I wanted to know.
"What's wrong?" Crawford asked, narrowing his eyes on my face when I looked up, trying to seem normal.
"Huh?" I asked, feigning surprise. "Nothing."
He raised an eyebrow, calling me out on my bullshit with the simple expression. "Is Decker fucking with you again?"
"No."
"So," he used his chin to point at the phone in my hand. "The banner that popped up saying you had a text from Cock Blocking Dildo was from another cock blocking dildo that is making you look sad?"
"No." I bit my lip, shaking my head slightly. "It's the same dildo, but he's actually being kind of nice."
My phone dinged again and I blinked down at the message, sighing. "Well, he was."
Cock Blocking Dildo: I'm coming over to help. No fucking until I leave.
Me: Do. Not. Come. Over! I mean it, Deck.
"Then you're sad because of what we were talking about before Leboney called." He frowned. "It wasn't an emergency, by the way. She just wanted to tell me about her new puppy," he said dryly.
"I know." I smiled slightly, reaching up to tap my ear with my finger. "I heard. Well, I didn't hear about the puppy. I stopped listening when I knew she was alright."
"Right." He nodded, watching my face closely. "So, was I right? Am I the reason you look so sad?"
I shook my head, once again holding my breath in a desperate attempt not to cry. If anyone would give in to something because of guilt, it would be Crawford Russell. I couldn't let him make a long, long, long term decision, just because he felt responsible for my hurt feelings.
I couldn't let him know that it felt a little bit like my heart was being ripped out of my chest.
I gasped when my chair was spun, and he grabbed my hips, hoisting me up onto the counter and standing direct
ly in front of me. "I need your full attention," he whispered by way of explanation, and he had it. He'd had it for almost as long as I could remember.
He swallowed hard, pressing his palms to the counter top on either side of my legs. "I'm going to forgive the fact that you just lied to me, because I know somewhere in that ridiculous head of yours, you think lying to me is going to save me. You're always saving me Linc."
He leaned forward, dropping his forehead to mine and I whimpered. I could feel the prick as the tears finally won against my attempts at keeping them at bay.
"It's not that I don't want to be with you, Linc, and go on dates with you, kiss you… fuck you," he whispered, the pulse in his neck going crazy. "But I––"
He licked his lips, his eyes wide and… scared? What did he have to be scared of?
"I can't be casual with you. I can't be a fling or… Shit! I need to tell you this, so you understand." He reached up, gripping my face in his hands, his breathing starting to look almost panicked. "I can't stand the thought that I hurt your feelings by making you think I don't want you. But the whole reason I can't date you is, because I don't want things to get messy." He groaned, closing his eyes. "But if I tell you why they would get messy, it's going to make things messy. It seems like no matter what I do, things are probably going to get messy."
I couldn't help it. I laughed. I knew I shouldn't. He was having a freak-out moment and here I was laughing at his convoluted speech.
When he pulled back, looking into my face, I could see the humor there before he rolled his eyes and chuckled. "Yeah, I know. I'm super articulate."
"About as articulate as Decker when he tried to do that speech in front of the whole school in tenth grade and locked his knees."
He laughed, shaking his head. "He nearly split that fucking podium in half with his big stupid head.
I chuckled. "I saw it coming about the third time he went into the house for his backpack and came out empty-handed."
"Not empty-handed." He coughed, trying to choke back laughter. "He carried that bowling bag around all day."
"Oh shit." I dropped my head to Crawford's shoulder, laughing so hard I hurt my stomach as I thought about my idiot brother walking around with my mom's bowling league bag over his shoulder as he cluelessly meandered through the halls of the school, continuously reading his speech over and over and mumbling to himself.
I hadn't been there during his first class when he opened the thing and stared down into the empty sockets of the fake skull inside one of the two bowling balls my mom tended to lug around to bowling night once a week, but Crawford had informed me that it had been delightfully entertaining, especially when the very unfriendly History teacher had glanced inside, blinked and glanced inside again, before telling him he had nice balls and walking off.
I'd have paid every single dime I'd had at the time––probably a good sixty five dollars. What? I'd never really been good at saving money––to see the look on Decker's face when Mr. Willis had said that.
I started laughing again when I thought about the look on my mom's face when the podium knocked over the bag when he fell and both balls went rolling out to the edge of the stage, hitting the wheelchair accessible ramp and taking off out of the open side door.
"Everyone was so busy watching your mom's balls, as they took off down Main Street, nobody even bothered to pick Decker up off the podium," Crawford said, just as I started to calm and we both started laughing all over again. After a few moments one of which I nearly fell right off the counter, we somehow got ourselves under control, him wiping his tears with his shirt and me wiping mine… with his shirt.
I met Crawford's eyes again, biting my lip as his face clouded, growing serious.
"It wouldn't be a casual thing for me," he whispered, his hands settling once again on my face and his thumbs running along the skin of my cheeks. "I'm crazy about you, Linc. Always have been. And when it was time for you to move on, I'd never survive if I had what I've always wanted and then lost it. The aftermath would be devastating for me. Not even counting your brother, because he'd tell us both to get our shit together and continue loving us both, but––"
I kissed him. I grabbed the front of his shirt in my fists and jerked him closer, pressing my lips to his, and swallowing his moan. His hands slid from my face, down over my shoulders and along my sides until he was cupping my hips.
I grunted when he jerked me forward and pressed my entire front to his, whimpering when I found his dick hard and pressed along mine. Our sleep pants were thin, but I still longed to pull back and free our dicks so I could feel the ridges of him against me. So, I could wrap my hands around them and work us at the same time.
The sound of the icemaker on the freezer dropping ice into the tray made us both jump and though we didn't move apart, the kiss was over as Crawford sighed and dropped his forehead to mine once again, his face looking pained as he squeezed his eyes shut tight.
"Please don't break my heart, Linc," he whispered against my lips, his voice sounding tight and making my chest ache.
"I would never do that." I sank my fingers into his hair, pulling slightly, making him look into my eyes so he could see the truth. "And I would never risk what we already have if I thought this was just a regular old crush, Crawford. I've wanted you for as long as I can remember."
I swallowed, my heart racing as I worked up the bravery to say what I needed to say, finding it terrifying even after his own admission moments before. "And more than that," I whispered. "I've fallen in love with you as an adult. Crawford, you're my mate."
"I'm what?" He jerked back and I whimpered, scrabbling to hold on to something, reaching frantically for his shirt. He frowned, grabbing my hands in his and pulling them to his chest, meeting my eyes. "But I'm human."
"I know," I said slowly, not sure what that had to do with cats in sweatpants.
He raised both eyebrows, clearly waiting for more, but I was genuinely at a loss as to what he was waiting to hear.
When I apparently wasn't smart enough to read between the lines, he sighed, shaking his head and smiling slightly. "You're going to live for a really long time, never looking any older than you are, right now."
I frowned, blinking at him in confusion. "Has my brother ever told you about mates?"
"A little."
A very little.
"When a shifter mates a human, the human's biology changes." At his wide eyes, I smiled, shaking my head. "They don't become shifters or anything like that. It just gives them better healing abilities and expands their life to match their mate's."
"He never mentioned that," he whispered, blinking.
"Did he tell you about soulmates?" I asked, crossing my fingers.
"Yeah, he did tell me about those kinds of mates." He shrugged. "Well, some I guess."
"You're my soulmate," I whispered staring into his beautiful blue eyes. "The man who is absolutely perfect for me."
"What? How?" He shook his head, disbelief warring heavily with hope in his expression. "We've known each other forever." He frowned, tilting his head to the side. "When did you find out?"
I smiled, wrinkling my nose. "I didn't know until I smelled you the day I got back. Hence the big misunderstanding that led to the fun in the shower."
When he blushed from head to toe, I chuckled, taking in my handsome mate and how gorgeous he looked with stained cheeks.
I pulled him back into the V of my legs, relieved when he fell between them with zero protest, his hands going to my hips as he watched my face, searching for something. "But if you think about it, we've always had a pretty special connection. Is it really that much of a surprise that we've ended up being made for each other?"
He smiled, shaking his head, his eyes telling me he still wasn't sure if he should believe me or not. "I guess not. I've always known you were it for me."
Slowly lowering his head, watching my lips the whole time, he finally pressed his own lips right where they belonged, against mine. My heart
seized.
His fingers spasmed against my hips, and he moaned into my mouth when I slid my tongue out, caressing his lips with the wet muscle.
If he liked my tongue, he was going to love all the ways I was going to use it on him.
He pressed in closer between my legs, rubbing his cock against mine and I groaned, wishing there were no clothes in the way. I wanted to ride his gorgeous dick so bad. I wanted that piercing rolling over my prostate as he punched in and out of my body so hard, I slid up the bed until my head was bent awkwardly against the headboard.
Pre-cum wet the front of my pants and I groaned against his mouth just thinking about how good it was going to feel.
I had a fucking goal.
But first, I really wanted to claim him. I really wanted to show him just how serious I was about us being together.
Unfortunately, I didn't know how Crawford felt about bottoming.
I pulled back, watching the way he licked his swollen, spit-slicked mouth before opening his eyes slowly, looking fucking delicious and I had to drop a peck to his top lip.
"Everything okay, Linc?" He asked huskily, his eyes glazed and unfocused.
"Uh." I bit my lip, swallowing my nerves, my eyes continuously drawn to his mouth. I just wanted to keep kissing him forever.
I cleared my throat, shaking my head. "I'm going to have to claim you," I said finally, my voice slightly hoarse.
"Okay," he said, crinkling his forehead before leaning in to lightly brush his lips against mine.
I cleared my throat. "That means I'm going to have to, you know."
I didn't know why it was so hard to tell him. I usually excelled at oversharing and blabbing.
After a moment, his eyes cleared of the haze he'd been under and he blinked, smiling. "If you can't say it, you shouldn't do it."
"Fuck you!" I said, laughing.
"Linc," Crawford clutched my hips, rocking our dicks together and making me moan. "You can fuck me any time you want, baby."
"I want now."
He lifted me off the counter, setting me on the ground and taking my mouth in another heated kiss. It was fucking delicious and my body was burning.