by Lynn Jaxon
“Marley, are you there? Say something.”
“I dropped the phone. Is this a joke? Because it’s not funny one damn bit.”
“It’s not a joke, it’s my nightmare that I can’t wake up from. Oh, God, Marley I am going to die.” I finally give in and let out the gut-wrenching cry that I have been holding in. Marley is my best friend, other than Benson, and we have been through so much together. She is my sister from another mister.
I hear sobs on the other side of the phone. Marley gathers her composure and says, “I am on my way. Don’t argue with me. I am coming to take care of you. The university is closed until the end of January, and then I can take leave.”
“You can’t do that,” I say emphatically. “You can’t put your life on hold to take care of me.”
“I can and I will. You’re my best friend. You would do the same for me. I know how hard this is going to be on you, Benson, and the boys. Oh, God, have you told the boys?”
“We have told them some, but they don’t know that it’s glioblastoma and I may have less than three months to live. They have their last final in the morning and are flying in tomorrow afternoon at four o’clock. We are meeting with Dr. Banks, my neurologist, at one o’clock to make our final decisions. Benson wants me to get chemotherapy, but I just want to make the most out of the time I have left. I don't want to feel like shit on a shingle the little bit of remaining time I have. I have inoperable grade IV brain cancer. It doesn’t get any worse than that.”
“Shit on a shingle? Are you seriously trying to be funny?” Marley is not amused with my joking.
“Hey, that’s how I roll. It’s the only way I can keep from breaking down like I did a few minutes ago. Benson can barely hold it together.”
“I am going to call and see when I can get a flight out there next week. I want to give you time with the boys, and then I will be there for you all. I love you so much, Em. I will call you as soon as I have details of my arrival. Please call me if you need anything.” This is why, other than Benson, Marley is the best friend I have in the world.
Being home alone gives me time to reflect and think about what I want to happen. I don’t want Benson to be alone. We are both only children, and our parents have passed away. My mom and dad died in a car accident ten years ago. Benson never knew his dad, and his mom had a fatal stroke four years ago. The older we have gotten, the closer we have become. I think losing our parents played a big part in that, besides our crazy, beautiful love. I am so worried he will forget how to live. We have been together since we were fourteen years old. Twenty-nine years is a long time to be with the same person. We were each other’s first and only. He knows my body, and I know his. We can finish each other’s sentences. I want him to find that again someday.
A few minutes later the door opens, and in walks, Benson covered in sweat. He leans in and kisses me on the cheek and wipes his sweaty face on my chest, just like he always does after a hard workout.
“Do you feel better after your workout?” God, he looks so sexy. How did I get so lucky?
“It felt good to take my frustrations out on the punching bag. The gym was busy. It was almost like people were starting early on their New Year’s resolutions. But I’m not complaining since it means business is good. Alan has been marketing like crazy. I still can‘t believe we will have thirteen locations. You’re my good luck charm. It has to be the name.”
“After Hawaii, where do you plan to go? Are you going to take over the world?”
“Actually, I think I will put another gym or two in Arkansas. The one in Little Rock took off, so I plan on opening one in Conway and one in Fayetteville. Maybe Mitch will change his major to business and take over for me.”
“Don’t you dare suggest that to him. He has wanted to be a lawyer since he was a kid. Hell, he came out of the womb arguing his case.”
“I’m only kidding. Alan actually has a fraternity brother whose parents retired up in Northwest Arkansas. They’re getting older so he is thinking about moving closer to them. He has management experience and the physique to run the gym. He just might be what makes this happen.”
Trying to sound upbeat, but failing miserably, I suggest, “Maybe when I am gone, you can go to Arkansas to be closer to the boys, and you can run the gym there.” I do think this is a good idea, but it hurts so bad to think about Benson and the boys without me when I am gone.
I have said the wrong thing. Benson goes stock still and silent. You could have heard a mouse fart.
“Stop, Em. Don’t say another word. I can’t even think about when you aren’t here. Where there is hope, there is always a chance of a miracle.”
What was I thinking? His mood was so much better, and then I had to open my mouth and ruin his feel-good endorphins. I guess now is as good of a time as any to tell him about my conversation with Marley. Benson likes Marley, but he doesn’t know her very well. We went to school together and spent a lot of time together when Benson was working hard to build up the business. I made it a point that when Benson was home, it was our time together. He would see her when she would babysit for us on our date nights, but they never really had long conversations.
“So, I called Marley today. I told her about the cancer. You know I am going to get weaker and will need a caregiver to help. She is a nurse and can help to take care of me. Since she teaches at the U of A, she will be off for six weeks and will take leave for however long we need her. Even though she will refuse, I am going to call around and see what the going rate for a home health nurse is and I want to pay her.”
“You don’t need a damn caretaker. You have me! I will be here to take care of you. I made you a promise when I married you at that chapel in Vegas, and I intend to keep it.”
“Benson, I know you’ll be here for me, but I will have a lot of medical needs too. I want you here as my husband, not my nurse. I need both of you. You’re my everything and my best friend, and she is my best girlfriend. Besides, she is like a second mom to the boys, and they will be able to lean on her and you both. It will make me feel at peace to know you have that.”
Chapter Nine
Benson
It was hard for me to sleep last night knowing today is the appointment where she will finalize her decision to not fight this cancer. The boys will be here, and I am going to have to find the strength to tell them and not fall apart. How can I expect them to be strong for their mom when I can’t be strong, and I am a grown ass man? You don’t expect to lose your wife or mom at such a young age. They are going to be blindsided. Maybe it is a good idea for Marley to be here for them too. I will have to chew that one around in my brain. I’m a greedy man, and I don’t want to have to share what little time I have left with Em, with Marley. I guess being an only child made me selfish.
I am awake before Em, so I fix her some coffee and a toasted cinnamon raisin bagel. Her choice would probably be a boiled egg. She says carbs go straight to her ass. She only forgets that when she wants to eat lemon loaf from Starbucks. I guess I know now why her clothes seem to be too big. The cancer is taking that, too. She is still stunning, but her luscious size eight body is losing some of its curves. She has always worried about her weight. She thinks that just because I own a gym, I want a girl who is stick thin or something. I have always been attracted to her curves. At age fourteen, she had curves in all the right places. She had tits and ass when other girls only dreamed that someday they’d have boobs. She was self-conscious of her ample chest. I had to break her of slouching forward to keep them from sticking out. Now she rocks those girls like nobody’s business. I like her ass too. Hips and ass give you something to hold on to. I couldn’t imagine making love to someone whose bones would be poking into me. The carbs in the bagel will be good for her.
Em looks tired, but still gorgeous, when she walks down the hall. She is wearing a beautiful fitted navy sweater dress and knee-high boots and has an adorable hat on her head covering the bandages. Her makeup is picture perfect, but you can see
the fatigue in her iridescent green eyes. The sparkle is just not as bright. Em reaches up on her tiptoes and kisses me on my lips. She lingers briefly before pulling away and reaching for her coffee.
Em smiles and says, “The nectar of gods. Thank you for having this ready. You know we will still have to stop at Starbucks after my appointment. Peppermint mocha is calling my name. Lemon loaf will be sad because if I eat this bagel, there is no way I am eating that too.”
“Em, you could eat the entire pack of bagels and an entire lemon loaf and be okay.”
“You’re too sweet. Is that your way of saying you’re fond of my fat ass?” She laughs.
It’s so good to hear her laugh. “Baby, you know how much I love your ass. It’s not fat, it’s luscious. Damn, baby, you’re making me hard talking about your ass, especially with that sweater dress hugging it so tight and those knee-high, fuck-me boots.”
My watch beeps to tell me it's time for us to go. It’s already eleven in the morning, and I have to stop at EM Fitness before her appointment and sign the payroll. I should probably make it where Alan can sign them without my signature. Who knows what the future holds?
We walk into the gym, and all heads turn our way. We are quite the power couple. I am dressed in dark Rock Revival jeans and a white dress shirt with a sports coat. Like I said, Em is wearing a fitted sweater dress and fuck-me boots. My staff and clients aren’t used to seeing us like this. Only Alan knows what is going on.
“Look at you, Boss. You and your lady are looking mighty fine,” says Jeff, one of my longtime employees.
“Keep your eyes in your head, man. She is all mine.” I say this loud enough so all the gym rats can hear me. They are openly ogling her, and I don’t like it.
We walk back to my office, and she sees Alan and gives him a hug. I can tell he is struggling to keep the tears from his eyes. He’s known Em since we were fourteen too. I was just the lucky bastard to get to call her mine.
“Do you need anything else?” I ask Alan as we are walking out the door. “I don’t know how much I will be around here for the foreseeable future. My priority will be Em.”
“I can handle things around here. You be with your family, and I will take care of business. I will call you if anything comes up that I can’t handle on my own.”
“Thanks, brother. It means a lot to me. I know EM Fitness is in good hands with you.”
I am so lucky to have a friend, who is like a brother to me, here to make sure that everything I have worked so hard for will be taken care of. EM Fitness was my dream. My dream to be able to support Em and our family.
Chapter Ten
Emily
We arrive at Dr. Banks’ office a little early. I check in and give them all my insurance information.
The receptionist puts on a chipper smile and says, “Good morning, Mrs. Davis, Dr. Banks is running a little early so you shouldn’t have to wait too long to be seen.”
As I sit here with all the other people in the waiting room. I wonder if fate has been so cruel to them. Benson is quiet. I think he is in his own head. He is holding a magazine, but I bet he couldn’t even tell me which one.
I am startled out of my thoughts when the nurse calls my name. They take my weight and blood pressure. I have definitely lost weight, at least fifteen pounds. My blood pressure is a little high. Probably from nerves and anxiety of being here and telling the boys the full truth today. Benson squeezes my hand, and we walk together down the hallway to the patient room. We barely sit down when there is a knock at the door. Dr. Banks comes in and takes a seat on the rolling stool.
“How are you doing, Emily, Benson?” He asks in a professional tone.
We both answer back, “Fine.” No more, no less. But I am the furthest from fine anyone could be.
He jumps right into the reason we are here. Chemotherapy or no chemotherapy. Dr. Banks places my scans on the lighted board, and the cancer is there just mocking us in all its monstrous splendor. I can't draw my eyes off the devil that is taking over my brain. By the look on Benson’s face, I can tell it takes everything in him not to scream and rip it off the wall.
“Looking at this scan, I am surprised you haven’t shown outward signs sooner. This mass appears to be growing bigger by the day. I must warn you that it won’t be long before you start losing some of your daily life skills. Chemotherapy may slow this down slightly, but it will not make it disappear.”
His words hit me in the gut. I knew this would happen, but to hear it confirmed makes it real and I’m not ready. Dr. Banks has me remove my hat, and he unwraps the bandages to check my incision to make sure it is healing properly. He is able to replace the large white dressing that wraps around my entire head, with a smaller adhesive one. The incision was really only a few inches wide, but you would think it was the size of my head by looking at the previous bandage.
“Your incision is healing nicely. I will remove the staples when you come back for your next appointment in two weeks.”
Well, that’s it. My life, as I know it, is most definitely over. I don’t want to be a burden on my family and have it linger. It solidifies my decision to not have chemotherapy or radiation. I hate that Benson thinks I am giving up, but in reality, I’m doing this for him. For the boys. The faster this is over, the sooner they can move on with their lives without me. The thought of that hurts so bad, but I want them to move on and be happy. They have so much life left to live. For the boys, theirs is only just beginning. They make me so proud. I wish I could be here to see each of them win their first case as lawyers.
I am brought out of my thoughts when I hear Benson talking to Dr. Banks. “This is my fault,” he says, “I should have made her come in when she first started having these headaches. Then maybe we could have caught it in time.” A sob escapes his throat, and he puts his face in his hands.
Dr. Banks puts a hand on his shoulder and says, “There is nothing you could have done. It was already too late by the time Emily started having headaches. To be honest, a doctor would have prescribed rest and medication for pain relief. An MRI wouldn’t have been the first line of action. This is an aggressive tumor that has been infiltrating her brain for a while.”
I speak up, “I stand by my decision to not have chemotherapy or radiation. I will take medication for the pain, but I don’t want to be a zombie or sick for what time I have left.”
Dr. Banks nods his head and asks, “Would you like me to arrange for you to have home health nursing?”
“Thank you, doctor, but my friend, who is also a nurse, is going to come and help take care of me.” I can see the resignation on Benson’s face. He knows me so well. He knows that once I’ve made a decision, I am going to stand by it. My goal is to make it as painless as possible for him.
Benson stands and offers his hand to Dr. Banks. “Thank you, Dr. Banks. I guess she has made her decision.”
“Stop by the front desk and make an appointment to come in and see me in two weeks. Of course, if you need me sooner, do not hesitate to call.”
Deep sadness enters my heart. The coming weeks are going to be so hard on all of us, especially Benson because he has such a pure and open heart that takes in everyone else's pain and worry. He will do everything he can to make the appointments and pain bearable for me. I send up a silent prayer to God above to place his hands on my family and help them through this.
Chapter Eleven
Benson
We left the doctor’s office with the weight of the world pressing down on both of us. It is visible in my eyes and the slump of my shoulders. I am trying my hardest to stay positive.
Em tries to make light of the burden we are carrying when she says, “Coffee, I need coffee! And some lemon loaf, too.” The corners of my mouth twitch up slightly because I know the addiction she has to Starbucks is real. Heck, we’d be a shit ton richer if she didn’t drink it every day, sometimes twice.
“You know I have never been able to say no to you. Starbucks it is, and then we need to mak
e our way to the airport to pick up Mitch and Henry. You know how they get if we are late picking them up. They will make some comment about us not being able to keep our hands off each other and sex making us late.”
We pull up to her favorite local Starbucks and go inside. I immediately hear “Hi, Mrs. Emily, do you want your usual?” The new young barista looks over at me and blushes. “Good afternoon Mr. Davis, what can we get started for you?”
Em thinks it’s funny to see the reactions of women both young and old when they see me. I don’t think I am anything special. I know I’m in good shape, but I never flaunt it. My body is all for the love of my life.
“I’ll just take a venti Pike’s Place black, please.”
The barista blushes again and says, “Right away, Mr. Davis.”
We sit down in the corner, and I pick up Em’s hands, kissing her knuckles, with no words said, hoping my actions are saying what my words are not. I love her endlessly. I just hope she knows how much I love her and how much her love means to me.
They call Em’s name for her peppermint mocha, and I get up to get it for her. I pick up the lemon loaf that I ordered her knowing she would not turn it down. Em reaches for her order, and then I go back up to the counter to get mine. I sit back down and take a bite of her lemon loaf. She swats my arm playfully and says, “Hey, mister, that is mine.” She then proceeds to take a large bite after running the loaf under my nose. I bite at the air acting like I’m going to take another bite. This is us. Yes, we are that sickeningly happy couple who don’t care what others think.
We arrive at the airport thirty minutes early and park in short term parking. Em wanted to go in and wait so she can hug the boys the minute they arrive. I open her door and help her out of the truck. We walk hand in hand inside the airport. We would normally take the stairs up to the arrival area, but there is no way I am letting her today. I insist we take the escalator so Em won’t get fatigued.