The room fell silent after that admission. Mac turned to Bryan, and the two had a wordless exchange before Mac got up and awkwardly excused himself to his room. I forced myself to meet Bryan’s eyes and the shock there told me he knew what I was about to say.
“Eli—”
“It’s exactly what you’re thinking, Bryan. Please don’t make me say it.” My voice sounded hollow to my ears. The night I tried so hard not to think about replayed in my mind. I had been an eighteen-year-old virgin in need of quick money after my mom died. I was desperate and felt like I had no other options when I agreed to do fucking porn.
Rhett—Bryan—had eased my nerves somewhat prior, but when filming started I wanted to scream. I had a feeling it would hurt, but I was ill-prepared for just how much it did. I somehow managed to keep from screaming and making a scene during each of the takes until the director said we were finished.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. I thought you were—” He snapped his jaw shut, and the shock in his eyes turned into regret. “‘It’s my first time.’ You told me, and I… I thought you meant filming. God, Elijah, I’m so sorry.”
Bryan reached for my hand, and I reflexively flinched, before I could even register that it was him. I was wound way too tight from thinking about that awful day. The Bryan sitting before me had nothing to do with that, and seeing his face fall when I’d pulled away from him made me feel worse.
I took his hand and squeezed it to make sure I had his attention. “I’m sorry I pulled away. It has nothing to do with you; it’s just my go-to when I’m stressed out.” I started to say more then cut myself off and glanced down the hall. “Mac knows, doesn’t he?”
“Yes,” Bryan answered quietly. “I told him about meeting you at the shoot back then, and then again when I found you by chance.”
I nodded, processing that information. “Has he seen it?”
His lips twitched before he answered, and I already knew that he was going to say yes. “Yes. Several times years ago. No one else you’ve met has.”
I puffed my cheeks and released a deep breath. Getting all of that out between us made me feel lighter. I was still low-key freaking out about how it came out, but I was glad that it finally did. Maybe now I’d be able to work past it.
Bryan looked like he was about to pass out or throw up when I finally replied with simply, “Okay.”
“Okay, what?”
“I’m okay,” I reiterated. “I mean, other people knowing isn’t ideal, but I don’t want to freak out and retreat over this. I have no reason to run from you, and I’m tired of running from the situation.” Bryan looked like he didn’t believe me when I mentioned him, so I wanted to make it clear. “You don’t have to feel sorry about what happened. I was eighteen, and I fully agreed to everything that happened that day.”
He ground his teeth before asking, “Did I hurt you?”
I couldn’t—wouldn’t—lie, even if I thought it would be easier on him. I knew he’d do the same for me. “It hurt, yes. Quite a bit. That experience was why I was so certain I wasn’t attracted to men. I considered the possibility that maybe I was gay as an explanation for why I didn’t care about girls the way other guys did—but I didn’t care about sex with anyone.”
Bryan brought our joined hands up and kissed mine, his forehead still creased with concern. “I’m sorry I didn’t notice. I wouldn’t have gone ahead with it had I known.”
“It’s all right. I-I needed that money for Prince and me. I had nothing, Bryan. Believe me when I say that nothing that happened that day was your fault. It would have happened regardless, but I’m glad it was with you.” His face twisted, and I could tell he didn’t understand my logic. “For whatever reason, I left an impression on you. If that hadn’t happened between us, you probably wouldn’t have cared about me when you walked through the door at Red Right Hand. We wouldn’t have become friends, and I wouldn’t know what it means to love someone like I love you. My life hasn’t always been easy, but I wouldn’t change anything that happened to me if it meant I wouldn’t be here with you now.”
He blinked away tears that almost fell and cupped the back of my head, curling his fingers gently into my hair. I didn’t wait for him to guide me—I leaned in to claim his mouth in a kiss I hoped showed how much I cared for him. He returned the message loud and clear, nipping at my bottom lip and my jaw. A low moan fell from my lips before I pulled back and nodded down the hall.
“Um, I’d like to continue this further, but maybe another time?”
Bryan followed my gaze to Mac’s door and dropped his forehead to my shoulder. “Shit. Of course.”
“You can text Mac that it’s safe to come back out. We have a game to finish, and I want to apologize for lying.”
“You don’t have to do that,” Bryan responded, stroking his thumbs over the sensitive underside of my wrist.
“I know—but I should.”
Bryan got up and kissed the spot on my wrist he’d just been massaging. “I love you so much.” He sighed and released my hand. “Let me go get Mac before he bores himself to death.”
Bryan insisted on taking Prince out alone when we arrived back at my place. I waited in my room, eyeing the painted canvases in my closet. I chose earth tones that reminded me of Bryan in all but one piece, which was an unfinished abstract self-portrait. The strokes in that one were hesitant and disjointed, whereas all of the ones that represented Bryan were painted with confidence and certainty. I knew how he made me feel and how I felt about him; following through on those strokes was easy. I considered myself a work in progress, but I was looking forward to figuring it all out instead of stagnating and convincing myself I was happy.
Meeting Bryan showed me just how unhappy and alone I was before. He brought so much light and energy to my world just by being around. I loved him for knowing when to push my limits, and when I needed a break. My anxiety would probably be something I dealt with for a long time to come, but I had no doubts that I would slowly continue to improve.
The front door opened and the telltale sound of nails clicking closed in on the bedroom. I closed the closet door and walked around the bed to see my sweet girl.
Bryan joined us, crossing his arms across his chest and leaning against the doorframe. I smiled at him, which he returned half-heartedly. I knew he had to be beating himself up over my revelation earlier, but that was the last thing I wanted. That night was another lifetime ago and what mattered was the present. I needed him to understand that.
I kissed Prince’s forehead and told her to go lie down on the couch. Once she left the room, I asked Bryan to close the door and sat down on the bed, patting the spot next to me. He joined me without a word.
“I grew up very poor and didn’t know my father,” I started, grabbing Bryan’s attention. “My mom did her best for me, but she had her own troubles. She didn’t go out very much and didn’t have many friends, nor did I. Except for when I went to school, I didn’t interact with hardly anyone else.
“In my last year of high school, I got a scholarship to UIC and a part-time job to buy a cheap, used car to commute from the dorms to home to see Mom. She always smoked in the house, and I constantly reminded her not to smoke in bed, or would check on her after she fell asleep to make sure she put her cigarettes out. She fell asleep with one lit while I was at school and died in a house fire when I was eighteen.”
Bryan hooked his hand around my inner thigh, just above my knee, and squeezed. “Eli, God, that’s horrible.”
I nodded and swallowed, despite my throat being dry. He needed to know everything. “After she died, I was all alone, and I panicked. I dropped out of school and lost my scholarship and found myself homeless with nowhere and no one to turn to. Turns out she didn’t have home insurance, let alone life insurance.
“I lived out of my car for a couple weeks and found Prince abandoned in the street. She was underweight and too young to be away from her mother, so I took her to the vet. The cost of her vet bills is wh
y I was desperate enough to agree when I was approached about the shoot. It was just supposed to be me jerking off on camera for five hundred bucks. Easy, right?
“When the producer offered me more for having sex on camera, I said yes. No one coerced me, and no one forced me. It was a shitty situation, and I did what I had to do. That money was enough to help Prince. I had enough left over for us to eat for a few weeks, and get myself cleaned up. I got a job after that and was soon able to rent a small apartment and start rebuilding. Without that money, I don’t know what would have happened.” I took his hands in mine and took a deep breath so my next words would come out steady. “While I don’t regret it, the act itself is a bad memory. But we’re not those people anymore. You’re not Rhett, and I’m not desperate. I’ve lived long enough carrying that memory around, and I want to overwrite it with a good one.”
Bryan furrowed his brow, and I could tell my intent wasn’t as transparent as I’d hoped. I leaned into his space, slid a hand around the back of his neck, and kissed him. When he broke away, I licked my lips, savoring the sweet taste of him. “I want you to fuck me. Er, that’s not romantic. I want you in every way, and I want that last bit of physical connection with you. When I think about you and sex, I want to remember tonight and how amazing it was. I want you to have every part of me.” I stared at him, waiting for an answer that took too long to come. “Say something, Bryan.”
“Are you sure you want this?” His voice scraped out, just above a whisper.
“I am. I’m hoping you do too.”
“I always want you, Eli. Always. You’re everything I’ve always wanted, and I’d be honored to give you good memories for as long as you want them from me.”
I smiled and kissed him again, swinging my leg over his and settling in his lap. I surprised myself with how quickly I took to sex with Bryan compared to how awkward and unenjoyable I’d always found it. The intimacy we shared, even in the simplest of acts, carried over to our sex lives, and it felt like the most natural thing in the world to me.
Bryan slid his hands up my thighs and around to cup my ass while he kissed and licked my neck, driving me crazy with the friction from his scruff. I was about to lose my mind when he suddenly stopped and groaned.
“I didn’t bring any condoms.”
Oh, right. “Um, I haven’t had any here for a couple of years—that was the last time for me.” I bit my lip and nervously said, “I’m pretty sure I don’t have anything. I haven’t been to the doctor in over a year, but I was clean then and I haven’t touched anyone until you.” My ears burned, matching the flush I’m sure was present on my face.
“If you’re suggesting what I think you’re suggesting, I get tested every three months. September was the last time, but I haven’t hooked up with anyone since July… before I found you.” He brushed his thumb across my cheek then over the corner of my mouth.
“I haven’t had sex without a condom before.”
“Neither have I,” he replied.
I was almost too nervous to speak. I managed to force my next words out. “Are we really going to do this?”
His reply came in the form of tightening his grip on my ass and rising to his feet. “Shower first, love.”
This is really happening, was all that ran through my mind as my head hit the pillow. My dampened, bare skin was cold in the bedroom air, but I knew I’d have Bryan’s warmth soon. He knelt above me, reaching into the nightstand for the small bottle of lube he bought when he showed me what frotting was—something I would never forget.
He tossed the bottle near the pillows then lowered himself over me, going straight for my neck, just below my ear in a spot that made me squirm. We both discovered so many new sensitive spots on my body I hadn’t known existed, and Bryan put all of that into practice as he pinched my nipple and rubbed his hard cock against mine. The drag without lube bordered on being not enough, but I’d discovered that Bryan liked to tease and would always give me more if I was patient.
His kisses trailed up along my jaw before finding my lips and letting me feast on that sweet taste that was so distinctly Bryan. His familiar smell was largely masked by my body wash, but when I closed my eyes and breathed him in, I caught subtle hints of vanilla and citrus. That same smell that had comforted me for months, that represented someone I never wanted to be without. I wrapped my arms around his neck and chased after more of the scent, for more of him.
I caught his earlobe between my teeth and tugged, hard enough to make him wince and pin my hands above my head. He kissed down my body, focusing on each sensitive spot as he’d done countless times these past weeks, though he ignored my cock entirely. I felt his lips and tongue on my inner thighs and his nose against my balls, but nothing where I wanted him most. I was about to beg when he grabbed the pillow next to my head, bent my legs back from behind my knees, and stuffed the pillow under my ass. It all happened so quickly, and I was lying there with my ass on display and a deep flush creeping up my neck.
“What are you doing?” I croaked out.
He wrapped his arms around my thighs, pushing them farther back and grinned up at me. “I’m about to get a taste of your cake.”
What? I opened my mouth to ask what the hell he meant when his tongue darted out and swept across my fucking asshole. I cried out in shock, alarmed at the act itself, but more specifically how good it felt. He did it again, eliciting another moan from me I couldn’t begin to hold in. What he was doing seemed wrong and taboo, but it felt so fucking good.
My hands fisted his hair as he flicked his tongue over my hole, occasionally tracing my perineum and tonguing my balls. I was on the verge of coming when he slowed down and replaced his tongue with his thumb, gently pressing against my resistance.
“Pass me the lube,” he drawled, voice thick with lust.
I flailed my arm, blindly looking for it. I couldn’t break my eye contact with him, even if it did prolong my simple task by a couple of seconds that felt like an eternity. I found the bottle and handed it to him, only then letting my head drop back and closing my eyes. The click of the bottle opening and the viscous slide of slicked fingers rubbing together reached my ears, making my cock twitch in anticipation.
At the same time Bryan’s lips closed around my cockhead, his thumb circled my hole. I sucked in a sharp breath as my hips jutted up, seeking more of the wet heat of Bryan’s mouth. He held me down with his free hand and chuckled. The vibrations from his laughter created an exquisite sensation on my cock, making me shiver. He swirled his tongue around me and pressed harder against me with one of his fingers.
My cock slid out of his mouth, and I held my head back up to see what was happening. Bryan licked his lips and kept rubbing. “This is going to feel strange at first, and it will probably hurt when I add more fingers, but I promise it will get better.”
I nodded and let my head fall back, bracing for pain.
“You have to relax, Eli. This won’t work if you’re tense,” Bryan said in a soothing voice. He licked my cock from root to tip and took it in his mouth, all the way down till I hit the back of his throat. My whole body went lax, and I moaned, low and deep. His finger slid inside me then, drawing another sharp gasp from me.
It didn’t hurt, but it felt strange. He kept his finger still while continuing to bob his head up and down on my cock while I adjusted to the intrusion. I was about to come again when he slowed down and began sliding his finger in and out of me. There still wasn’t any pain, but it didn’t feel great either. His finger moved in a few different directions and depths on each plunge until he touched something that made me grit my teeth to keep from screaming. He laughed again, seemingly pleased with himself and stroked that spot inside me over and over. It was unlike anything else he’d done to me. The feeling was so intense and far reaching, sending waves of pleasure throughout my whole body.
He clicked open the lube again and drizzled more where we were connected before he slid a second finger slowly inside me. Then I felt a burn. I felt str
etched and open and it hurt, but not enough to ask him to stop. He rubbed that sensitive spot inside me and sucked on my cockhead, making the burn fade into the background.
Bryan kept up the dual assault until I was on the edge again, begging and pleading for release. Without stopping, he worked a third finger inside me and I reflexively tightened around his fingers, wincing from the stretch.
“Breathe, Elijah.” Bryan sucked each of my balls into his mouth, rolling them over his tongue one at a time while keeping his fingers still. “Tell me when I can move them,” he said before going back to lavishing my balls with his tongue.
I took deep, measured breaths until the throb in my ass faded a bit, then told Bryan I was ready for more. He added even more lube to the mix and slowly worked his fingers in as far as they could go then slid them out almost entirely again and again.
My pained sighs turned into pleasurable ones before I’d realized it, then Bryan’s fingers were gone. I felt his absence in me and almost craved to have that pressure back. He licked me from root to tip as he crawled up my body until our mouths were aligned. He hesitated to kiss me, so I made the decision for him and angled my head up to connect our lips in a slow, sensuous kiss. Our tongues collided while his fingers intertwined with mine against the bed.
“Are you sure you want this?” he whispered against my lips.
I nodded, but he insisted I say it. “I want this. I want you.”
He kissed me again then sat up and squeezed more lube onto his cock, sliding his free hand over his length until he was slicked up and ready. He rubbed more against me then lined up his cock, gently pressing the blunt tip against my hole. It felt like a lot; a whole lot more than his fingers. I swallowed hard and peered down at where we were about to be joined as doubt crept into the edges of my mind.
“Is this going to work?” I asked nervously.
Bryan placed his hand on my chest and motioned for me to do the same. “Do you feel that?” he asked. His heart pounded under my hand, just as mine did under his. “I’m just as nervous as you. We don’t have to do this today, but if you still want to, please trust me. It’s going to hurt more than my fingers did, but it will pass, I promise you that.”
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