What does he mean by that?
I wait for Beatrix’s retort but she simply looks puzzled for a moment, looks at me again and then backs off. Lenny is just about to speak when a senior agent he works for collars him. With a backwards glance, he walks off.
No.
No, I internally scream.
That did not just happen.
Not after months and months of hard work.
I feel sick. Dizzy. Beatrix can’t crush my plans. That stupid bitch can’t be allowed the last word.
And then there’s Casey. Not the author or tool for payback, but the man who’s stolen my heart; a heart that will spontaneously combust if he gives it back.
I grab Casey’s hand and drag him out of the party room. After a quick word with a member of staff, we’re allowed to use the manager’s office. I shut the door behind us and pull Casey down onto the chestnut leather, studded chaise longue. I reassure him that I’ll explain everything. That things are not what they seem.
Does that include me?
‘What’s going on?’ he says.
I can do this. I can save our relationship. Yet I have to turn away for a moment, too ashamed to let him look at me.
Am I ashamed of the old version on the phone – or ashamed of the woman I’ve become?
‘Vi. Is it true? What Beatrix said? That Lenny left you for her? About the Earth Gazer series? That all I’ve been is a player in some sort of revenge plan?’
‘No. I mean, maybe at first.’ I can’t lie anymore. I just can’t. The words fall out in between painful gulps. ‘Beatrix was so desperate to sign you. I knew that turning up at this party with you on my arm would—’
Casey’s head drops into his hands. ‘I thought we were good together. I can’t believe that you’ve just used me.’
I pull his hands away. ‘We are good, Casey. My feelings changed. Can’t you tell how much I like you?’
He looks up. ‘I don’t know. I don’t know you. You’ve seemed like such a sweet person – and intelligent, with ambitious goals and integrity. Have I been dating a real person or has it all been an act? I don’t get it. And why change your appearance so much?’
‘Please don’t do that.’
‘What?’
‘Patronise me. You saw the photo.’
‘You looked great.’
‘Oh come on – just be honest.’ My voice trembles. ‘A man like you wouldn’t have looked twice at the old Violet.’
‘A man like me? And now I’m a liar? Talk about judging a book by its cover.’ His voice is hard-edged now.
Casey pulls out his phone. Enters Instagram. Presses on a photo and shows it to me. It’s a woman with very short black hair. She’s a little bigger than I used to be. Not a scrap of make-up. A fun-filled smile.
‘That’s my last girlfriend. We were together for almost a year.’ He puts his phone away. ‘You assumed things about me that aren’t true. You judged me by my appearance just as you seem to think people used to judge you. I’d say that makes you a hypocrite of the highest order and not the person I’ve… I’ve… Do I know you at all?’
I blink rapidly.
It’s as if I’ve gone to the cinema and ended up watching the wrong movie.
‘But… but Lenny would never have looked at Beatrix if she’d looked like me.’
‘Who or what has made you believe that?’
I think for a moment. Only one name came to mind.
I’d hung onto her every word. I needed a friend and she provided the answers I couldn’t find.
Bella.
‘Please. This is just a misunderstanding. What we’ve got… I’ve never felt like this about anyone.’ My eyes feel wet. ‘You’ve got to believe me.’
‘How can I believe a single word that comes out of your mouth?’ He shakes his head. ‘You know the crazy part? Something that all fell into place when Beatrix showed me that photo? Something that’s been niggling at me?’
‘What?’
‘It started when I washed your hair at the salon and realised it was curly. This jolted a memory but I haven’t been able to pin it down before this moment. I remember because it was Valentine’s Day. We were on the underground. You had your jumper on inside out. I loved your style. And your hair. I thought that was a woman I’d like to ask out.’
The tall man in the cap who’d worn sunglasses even though it was winter? He’d flirted with me. How striking he was.
That was Casey?
He’d liked me, the old me that Lenny had dumped?
But that would mean… everything Bella’s said…
Could she have been wrong?
‘You’d really have manipulated my career, regardless of what was best?’ Casey wrinkles his nose. ‘And here I am thinking you truly loved Alien Hearts.’
‘I did. Do. Casey, at least believe this.’ I kneel on the floor and take his hands.
Please don’t let me lose him.
‘Books have always been what it’s about for me. Not the authors. I couldn’t have encouraged you to sign with Thoth if I didn’t passionately and utterly believe it was the best editorial home for your story.’
He removes his hands from mine and stands up. I get to my feet too. My knees feel as if they might buckle.
‘I’ve been so confused these last few months – about myself,’ I say. ‘My friends. My life. Everything, apart from you. You’re the one thing I’m sure about.’
Casey straightens his jacket.
‘Don’t go,’ I whisper.
Chapter 28
I sit slumped by the bar and nod for another top up. A waiter fills my glass with prosecco. I hardly notice his flirtatious smile. Felicity’s presentation went well, I think. I’m not really listening when she comes over to talk.
‘I’ve just been speaking to Casey Wilde,’ she says in an abrupt voice.
‘That’s nice.’
‘I had no idea you knew him so well. He politely told me that he’s withdrawing his submission. That you tried to acquire his book using underhand means. What’s wrong with you lately? Have you any idea what a bad stain this is on Thoth’s reputation?’
She shakes her head. Tells me to meet her first thing Monday morning in her office. I take another mouthful of my drink. Gary approaches me, still sailing high on the crest of his debut success. Bubbles is in the last selection of this year’s Young Adult Book Prize. He doesn’t stop chatting, which suits me. I just grunt in the right places. The jazz band play more loudly now. Irfan and Farah dance alongside Hugo and one of the interns.
For once ignoring the sugar content, I order cocktails and after a while begin to feel queasy. A man sits next to me. I see his grey suit from the corner of my eye. It’s Lenny.
The man who’s caused so much hurt.
I slip off the stool that almost falls over as my feet touch the floor and hurry towards the front table. Behind that in the corner of the room is a door for staff that I noticed earlier. The manager said it offers a backstage route to the kitchen and outside for staff cigarette breaks. I don’t engage with the familiar faces saying hello as I stumble that way. I yank the door open and hurry down the corridor. A Fire Exit sign at the end catches my attention. Grateful for the anonymity, I rush outside. The air smells of stale tobacco but no one is there. It’s a small backyard with recycling bins and a metal bench. I sit down and stare at a pile of dustbin bags. One of them is torn and spewing out rubbish.
The door creaks. The grey suit sits down next to me again. I move further towards my end of the bench.
‘Are you okay? Where’s Casey?’
‘Where do you think?’ I give a hollow laugh. ‘He left. Thanks to you and your stupid girlfriend.’
‘We’ve split up.’
‘So that’s why you are showing concern? My God, you really are a complete prick. She’s thrown you out so you’re trying to get back into my flat?’ The volume of my voice increases. ‘Well forget it. Someone else has your room now. And as if—’
‘I finished w
ith her. And I’ve finally got my partnership at the agency so I’ve found a bedsit to tide me over until my pay rise comes in and I can get my own place.’
‘Congratulations,’ I say with a sneer. ‘What swung it? Did Beatrix somehow exert her influence? Did she shag one of the partners?’
‘Beatrix has got nothing to do with it. It’s just all the hours I’ve put in and a windfall at work financially. There’s going to be an auction next week for Alien Hearts. I think it’ll go to six figures.’
‘Poor Beatrix, after all the effort she put into snagging you.’
‘It wasn’t like that.’
‘Oh, please.’ I hope my face reflects utter disgust.
Lenny stares at me. ‘I’m worried, Violet. What’s happened to you?’
‘Nothing,’ I snap. ‘Although a bit of honesty from you would make the evening a great deal better. So, tell me – what was it like, then?’
Lenny loosens his tie and his eyes ran over my frame. ‘I guess I at least owe you the truth. It was never about Beatrix chasing me in order to get to Casey. Not in the beginning, anyway. We just fancied each other, that’s all, after meeting at a book launch. She didn’t even know I worked at an agency.’
Everything went into slow motion for a second as I looked at him. ‘What?’
‘She flirted with me. I found that flattering. I guess I was a little in awe. And,’ His cheeks flushed, ‘I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I thought she could be useful to know, with her reputation and contacts.’
‘Yeah, well what’s not to like about her.’
He shrugged. ‘I wouldn’t say Beatrix was my usual type, but when I was with her, I don’t know, somehow, I felt important and more connected to where I wanted to be in the publishing world. I didn’t fall for her like I fell for you.’
I blink several times.
His words replay in my head and our surroundings sway for a second.
Surely I must have misheard?
‘Why… why did you leave then?’
‘We’d grown apart. You must have noticed.’
We had been talking less. But I still loved him.
‘Our relationship, it was the best I’ve ever had, Violet. It was. But I just didn’t feel the same anymore. That made it easy for me to cheat. I’m not proud, but that’s the truth.’
‘But I logged into your Facebook account to get Casey’s contact details. I saw your messages. You told Beatrix sex with her was the best you’d ever known.’ I realise Lenny is holding my hand and take it away, even though I feel like I’m drowning in confusion.
‘Oh Christ. You should never have seen that. Violet, I’m sorry. I just got carried away. Looking back, our relationship was pretty shallow. I said things like that which I never really meant.’
‘What about the messages with your brother after he first met me? You told him looks aren’t everything.’
Lenny looks puzzled. ‘So? I meant it. My brother’s only just turned twenty and, well, let’s just say he’s yet to realise there is more to beauty than the supposed perfect hourglass figure. I said that because you’re a real woman. A real woman I always loved for being different, unique, gorgeous. You must have realised that.’
I screwed up my forehead. He’s right. I did. Until listening to Bella gave rise to doubts.
‘What about birthday and Christmas gifts? You always just grabbed the same vouchers and chocolates.’
‘Vouchers? Chocolates?’ Lenny rubbed his forehead. ‘But you always seemed so happy with those and said they made the perfect gift.’
And they had. It was Bella who made me think otherwise – that Lenny was lazy when it came to me, and thoughtless.
Bella.
‘But you never used to introduce me to your friends.’ Not like Casey did.
Lenny shrugs. ‘You aren’t – weren’t – the most social animal. And there’s nothing wrong with that. I thought you’d prefer things that way.’
I stare into my lap. My hands shake and suddenly my wrists look really small.
‘But why, Lenny? Why didn’t you tell me all this when we split up? I asked for more of an explanation, but you kept brushing me off.’
‘I admit, I was a coward. I couldn’t face breaking up with you before Valentine’s Day. I was going to do it straight afterwards. But talking it all through… I just couldn’t face it. I’m sorry. It was the least you deserved.’
I don’t know what to say.
‘But we had fun, didn’t we? Moving in together? Cooking? Those Sunday mornings in bed? I’ll always have fond memories.’ His voice wavers. ‘You were my first love, you know?’
You were mine too.
‘You didn’t just move in with me to get cheap rent?’
‘You really believe that?’ Lenny stands up and paces the yard. ‘I know I’ve been a shit about the way I left you, but have you always had so many doubts about the way we were?’
No. Not until my new flatmate moved in. Not until she explained how things were and made me realise how people have walked over me. So, I’ve followed her plan to the letter to regain my self-esteem. But it hasn’t worked. Most of the time I feel like crap. I recall Kath’s words. She called Bella a parasite.
I’ve lost friends.
I’ve lost me.
I’ve lost sense of what me and Lenny meant.
‘Remember that holiday you paid for, when I was skint?’
Numbly I nod.
‘We got a cheap week in Barcelona and you had a go at me over my male pride. You insisted on paying and I didn’t like it. But we talked it out and you made me realise that if it was the other way around, I’d do the same – that it was just due to financial circumstances and nothing to do with me failing as a man.’
‘So what?’
‘I couldn’t afford the rent when you bought the flat. We both knew that. I didn’t want to be a dick like I was over Barcelona – so I thought I’d be the one to suggest me paying less and make it easier for you. And I was also mad keen to live with you, for us to share a bed together every night.’ He sits down again and shakes his head. ‘What’s happened? What’s got your thinking so screwed?’ His eyes run over my body. ‘You look so… I’m really concerned.’
‘You aren’t supposed to be concerned,’ I say angrily. ‘You’re supposed to be widely jealous. Enthralled. That’s how Bella said things would turn out.’
‘Who’s Bella?’
‘She… she’s…’ I gasp for a moment as if I’m about to have a panic attack. Lenny. Casey. Kath and Farah. The Book Club. I can’t take it anymore.
‘Why have you and Beatrix broken up?’ I croaked.
He broke eye contact. ‘You were right all along. I should have listened. At first, we got together because of a powerful, mutual attraction, but when that started to wear off, I sensed that Beatrix felt that waning of passion too. But by then she knew about my job and was only staying with me to try and sign Casey. I had it out with her. After a long argument, she confessed as much.’ He held me close. I felt his hand brush over my spine. ‘Christ, I’m so sorry, Violet. For everything. I had no idea—’
Half-heartedly I push him away.
‘You were my best friend for so long. My lover. You deserved better. What can I do to help? You name it.’
Am I in some parallel universe where Lenny is full of affection and respect for me?
His voice wavers. ‘I’ll do anything to make it right.’
Hot, emotional tears that have percolated for months trickle down my cheeks. My shoulders start to shudder. A lump rises in my throat and ejects the words I’ve held back for so long. They come out as a wail.
‘I want Uncle Kevin. I want him back. I still do. Get rid of the nightmares, Lenny. I can’t stop him jumping. He looks so sad and there’s nothing I can do.’
Quickly Lenny takes off his jacket and wraps it around my shoulders. I wipe my eyes and black kohl streaks across the back of my hand.
Lenny’s face has gone white. ‘He’s always sounde
d like such a great guy.’
‘He was my hero. And then he disappeared. There was nothing I could do about it. Nor could the police. Or the firemen. And Uncle Kevin couldn’t save himself. You were my hero too, Lenny. I didn’t know I needed saving until we met. But you opened up a part of my heart that for so many years felt safer to keep closed.’
Lenny takes a handkerchief out of his trouser pocket and passes it to me.
‘At least I had Flint to see me though when I was at school. And now my flatmate Bella.’ Even though I’ve developed doubts about her, she’s all I’ve got.
‘Who’s Flint? You’ve never talked about him before. And this Bella. Would it help if I call her? At least let me do that.’
‘No!’
I give Lenny back his jacket. It feels scary to let down the guard Bella has helped me build. What if I get hurt again? I let in Casey and now I’m paying the price.
But I won’t let Lenny ring Bella. Her secret is mine.
Flint had a secret, too, that I kept – just like I’ve kept Bella’s. And Mum killed him when she found out.
Killed him with no regrets.
Ended the existence of a boy who was nothing but loyal and funny and sweet, who thought I was good enough and the perfect fit.
I won’t let the same thing happen to Bella.
Despite the things my flatmate might have got wrong, without her I’m nothing.
2001
Me and Flint arrive at the foot of the treehouse. My stomach feels screwed up like an empty crisp bag. As expected, it has been easy to slip out of the house. Mum came upstairs and read me a story before turning out the lights. Even though I hate her at the moment for trying to stop me seeing Flint, I gave her a really big hug. I wanted to tell her I loved her but couldn’t quite manage that. When my watch said it was fifteen minutes later, I got dressed, grabbed my coat and rucksack and crept out the back door. Flint was waiting. I knew he would be. He’s always there when I need him.
It’s cold. My breath is white as if I’m breathing out smoke. That usually makes me feel grown up but right at this moment I feel like a very little girl. An owl hoots. Owls are clever. Am I? Is this the right thing to do?
‘Are you scared?’ I whisper.
Knowing You Page 20