“Lani? What are you doing?” He’s standing, frozen in the doorway, looking at me like I have an extra appendage growing out of my head or something.
“Isn’t it obvious? I’m folding laundry.” I wave my hand over the stacks. “It’s that stuff that we wear, if you’re unfamiliar.” He shakes his head at me, the hint of a smile on his lips. “You’re home early.”
“I didn’t work out. I was uh, worried about getting home.” He closes the door and walks over to me, dropping a kiss onto the top of my head. “How are you feeling today?”
“Less…foggy.”
This smile is bigger, more real, some of the worry lines around his eyes relaxing. “It smells nice in here.”
“Thanks.” I go back to folding the laundry and pause to watch Ames undress. Thank goodness. I have to be on the mend, I’m enjoying my view immensely. He strips down, oblivious to my staring, pulling on those sweatpants I love. They’re hanging low on his hips, and I set the clothes aside, walking over to catch him before he pulls a shirt on. I wrap my arms around him, pressing my face into his back and running my hands over his muscular torso. He loosens my arms and spins so he can hold me against his chest.
“I’ve missed you, Lani.”
“Thank you for taking care of me.” I nestle against him, breathing in his masculine smell and letting his warmth soothe me.
“Anytime, Darlin'. Always.”
It takes me some time, but Ames’ careful attention and affection help me feel less overwhelmed. He didn’t run away or yell at me or try to shame me into “snapping out of it.” He held me and talked to me and cared for me until things started to feel normal again. I think we’ve moved past the beginning stages of dating. I’m afraid to acknowledge it, but we may be more than good friends with benefits.
33
Ames
Nalani really had me worried for a while there. This was beyond being frozen by options or feeling overwhelmed. She wasn’t eating, she spent most of every day sleeping, I wasn’t even sure she was leaving the bed while I was at work. Adding to the worry was the fact that she wasn’t talking to me. It was pretty easy to assume that the BRCA2 results were what sent her into her near catatonic state, but I couldn’t be sure since she stopped talking altogether. Having her slowly come back to me, showering on her own and even doing some housework was such a huge relief. I was about to call Connie and send her to the apartment when I was at work.
I think I may have thought, leading up to the appointment, simply having the test results back, would give us some peace. Positive or negative, we’d feel better because we’d have answers to work with. I wasn’t prepared for the crushing fear and anxiety that followed the positive results. I don’t have any sense of peace knowing what could be ahead. It is as if the moment I was able to help Nalani feel more calm, I lost it all myself. Seeing her in that doctor’s office, completely shutting down the moment we heard the news, I knew without a doubt that I love her. It’s not merely a deep caring or an intense attraction. I thought I wanted the real thing, the whole thing, with Nalani when I asked her to marry me. But those feelings were nothing compared to what I feel now. I jumped into action, wanting to get down every piece of information the doctor shared. I needed to have a role in taking care of her. I’d do anything for her. The intense fear, fear for my wife and her safety, has really thrown me. I feel like I have to keep moving, pushing forward, doing research, organizing information, getting ready for whatever Nalani might need. I need to stay busy, stay ahead of it all.
Saturday morning Nalani has an appointment. I feel like I’m rattling around the apartment, driving myself crazy, when I remember talking to Connie about her gardens and Jameson. A couple quick texts later, I have morning plans. Plans help me function. I navigate over to the old neighborhood and pick Jameson up before driving to the Kimuras’. We catch each other up on what’s been going on in our lives while I take us to Kailua. Since Jameson is a helo pilot, I don’t have the opportunity to see him at work like I do Norah. We haven’t hung out as much lately. He’s come a long way from our rocky start as roommates and it’s nice to see him doing well.
Connie greets us in the driveway as I’m parking. Before we get out it occurs to me that Jameson doesn’t have all of the information in this situation.
“Hey, you should know, Connie has breast cancer. She’s really excited to talk plants and show you her garden, but I thought you should be aware. I don’t know what her energy levels or feelings are like day to day.”
“Got it. I’ll keep an eye out.”
We climb out and I introduce them. They’re already talking about the greenery on either side of the front steps as we walk inside. I’m not sure why I thought this would be a great plan to keep me busy and distracted. I’m glad they’re happy but getting the two of them together does not actually leave me with anything to do. I’m hovering in the kitchen, unsure of where I should go, when Daniel walks in. His hands are in his pockets and his shoulders are a little hunched, but he looks me in the eye. That’s a first.
“Ames.” He tips his chin slightly.
“Sir.”
He gestures towards their dining table, and I take a seat. “Would you like some coffee?”
“Yes, sir, that’d be nice. Black is fine.”
I sit and watch him pour our cups, consciously keeping my leg from bouncing. He carefully places the mug in front of me, spinning it until the handle is facing me, and takes the seat closest to mine.
“I think I owe you an explanation, Ames, if not an outright apology.”
I take a sip to avoid trying to figure out an awkward reply.
“First off, I haven’t kept my distance because I don’t approve of you or because I’m angry that you eloped.”
“Oh. Um, ok. That’s good to know.”
“I’ll admit I was surprised. Shocked even. Nalani is not usually the type to leap quickly into anything.”
“Yeah, I know that, Sir.” I smile, thinking about my wife.
“I needed to sit back and watch how you treated her, how the two of you interacted, what she said when you were apart. I was so afraid this was going to be another situation where my girl was with someone who was going to try to change her and break her spirit, only this time the break-up would be worse.”
I find myself nodding as he’s explaining. I understand where he’s coming from. Of course, he’s protective of his daughter.
“I don’t come to conclusions easily. Being married to Nalani, I imagine you’re familiar with this behavior. I worry for her, jumping into a relationship that quickly — especially with her experiences with previous boyfriends. I don’t want my little girl to be hurt. I was worried for you too, Ames. Knowing what Connie is battling, and that you two could have that in your future, I can’t help but be concerned. Cancer can tear even the strongest of relationships apart. I held back, worrying about Nalani being left hurt, alone, and sick.”
“I worry about that too, Sir. The hurt and sick part anyway.” It’s scary to say that out loud. I’ve stopped myself from even thinking about it up until now. Allowing the words to leave my mouth leaves my throat dry and my stomach knotted. “I want to do everything I can for her. I want to take care of her. I love her. But there’s so much that I can’t control, and I can’t fix for her.”
He sips his coffee, expression thoughtful. “I wish I had the answers for you. I can say I do feel a little better knowing that you’re taking care of her. I don’t think I have to worry about you breaking her heart and leaving her alone and sick. I saw how you looked talking about Nalani and your wedding. I watched how you interacted with my Connie, showing her the photos from the wedding. And I talked to my daughter. It was pretty clear to me that you love her. All I can advise is staying true and being patient with her. Keep loving her, taking care of her, showing her that she can rely on you and trust you. I can’t pretend to know what she is feeling or how the results of her test will affect all of that. I guess we’ll just have to hope that you
r love is enough to see you both through.”
I’m still thinking about it all, wondering if my love is enough, when Jameson and Connie come back into the kitchen. They join us at the table, already fast friends. Daniel gets them both coffee and I half listen to their plant chatter, distracted by my own problems, until it’s time for me to take Jameson back home.
Nalani is back when I get home, curled up in the corner of the couch. I sit next to her, and she crawls into my lap. It’s as if she knew I needed to be close to her right now.
“How was your appointment?” I ask, kissing her temple.
“Good. I, um, well, I went to a therapist.”
“You did? How was that? Do you think it’s a good fit?”
“I think so. She was very understanding and has a calming presence, which I like. We talked a lot about this last week and my…episode.” She seems nervous speaking plainly about it.
“Did she bring up depression?”
“She did. We talked about how I shut down. My foggy periods.”
“How are you guys going to approach it? Have you started making a plan together?”
She turns her head and studies me closely. “I have a prescription for a low-dose antidepressant. And we’re going to keep working on ways to handle situations that come up before they overwhelm me. Are you okay with that?”
“Are you? How do you feel about it? That’s all the matters here. She’s your therapist.”
She releases a short breath, straightening her shoulders. “I feel good about it. We think I’ll be able to get to a place where I won’t need the medication. It’s not the long-term goal. And I’m looking forward to building better patterns for coping.” She’s watching me again. “This doesn’t bother you?”
“Of course not! Why would it? I’m glad you’ve found someone and so damn proud of you for taking that step on your own! I told you I have a therapist; I’d never think less of you for wanting to take care of your mental health.”
She visibly relaxes and takes my hand in hers. “If it’s okay with you, I think a need a lot more of that: affirmations from you mean a lot.”
“I can do that.”
“I’m going to be going every week, for now. I think I have a lot I want to work through.” Her eyes shine with unshed tears but she looks happy.
“That sounds good.”
“I did it because of you, you know.” Her smile is shy. “You take such good care of me. I realized how much you were shouldering and I just, I don’t know, wanted to be better. For you.”
I kiss her with the barest pressure, more touch than kiss. “You’re good to me too, Lani. I’m proud of you for making that decision and going. I hope you’re wanting to get better for you too, though. You’re allowed to want more for yourself.” She kisses me back, hugging me fiercely.
We have the follow-up appointment and discuss options, although it’s nothing we haven’t been talking about for a week. He gives us a referral to a genetic counselor. We’ll decide more after we meet the genetic counselor in the new year. I’ve thrown myself into research. I even had the doctor teach me how to do a breast check. I’m a pro now. I’m pretty sure both the doc and Nalani thought I was joking when I asked. I don’t see how making sure I know what to look for and being available, at any time, to give Nalani a second opinion when she’s concerned, is something to joke about.
I throw myself into work, staying busy and focused, but then the holiday stand down starts and I’m not even at work. I should be happy to be on leave, but I feel adrift. Nalani has a lot more gigs because of the holidays. When I’m not listening to her play, I reorganize and deep clean the apartment. And the car. And Connie’s car. She can’t have dirt or possible mildew or something bothering her while she’s doing chemo. When I run out of things to tackle at home, I turn to the holiday itself. It’s our first Christmas and Nalani deserves something special. I can give her something special.
I research the best holiday recipes and try out new dinners and desserts. I should probably increase my workouts with all the baking I’m doing. We go up to Helemano Farms with Ka‘eo and Norah to cut down our fresh Norfolk pine Christmas trees. We buy ornaments and lights and listen to Christmas music while we decorate it, just the two of us. I wrangle the Mahelohas and Hammonds together and we spend an evening baking and decorating cookies, enough for all three families, then pile into the Hammonds’ living room to watch holiday movies. There’s nothing better than watching “Arthur Christmas” with a cuddly trio of small children to put you in the holiday spirit. It’s the best. We sit on the sidewalk and watch the Kaneohe Christmas parade together. It’s total small-town charm. Dance troupes, some awesome thing with dragons as a preview for Chinese New Year, floats with church groups, politicians throwing candy, and an aloha Santa at the end. I fucking love Kaneohe. The ladies go out shopping one night while the men watch the kids, and we even have everyone fill our tiny apartment to sing carols with Nalani accompanying us.
We agreed we didn’t need to do presents, but the more I think about it the more I can’t bear an empty tree on Christmas morning. My family sends gifts, but I can’t let that be it. My mission becomes “Find Nalani the Perfect Gift.” It takes a few detailed lists, color coordinated pens, and a lot of research to narrow down what I’m looking for. It needs to be beautiful, like her. It needs to be unique, not something I could grab at any store anywhere. I want it to represent us in some way. Thus, the parameters are whittled down to jewelry. I just gave her rings; that’s out. She doesn’t wear much either, so it needs to be something that’s classic that she could wear all the time. I think what I finally settle on is perfect. I find a local jewelry maker who specializes in Hawaiian heirloom jewelry. She made me a gold bracelet for Nalani, but a cuff, not the usual bangle. It’s thin and delicate. It won’t look clunky on her tiny wrist. The plumeria and vines etched on it remind me of our wedding rings and I had the inside engraved especially for her. I can’t wait for her to open it. And I’m pumped to tick one more item off of my list and add another success to all of my holiday work. People may laugh at me, but I’m not bothered. I never outgrew the gold star chart mentality. It motivates me.
Nalani was asked to step in and play for a sick pianist, so we’ll be spending part of our night on Christmas Eve at the church where I first saw her. I am sappily nostalgic about it. Not that I tell her that. I don’t want her to think I’m weird. She has to go over early for sound check and I go along, unwilling to be apart. They’re doing a mix of classic Christmas fare and worship songs and I sit back, enjoying seeing my wife in her element.
The worship band is a motley crew of old and young, local and military, men and women but they have the easy camaraderie of people that have spent a lot of time together. They welcome Nalani and run through everything, tweaking arrangements and she jumps in with ease. The leader recognizes her from The Blue Note and scraps one of their planned songs, asking Nalani to play and sing during a quiet, reflective time in the service when they’ll be doing something with candles. The church lights are off and there are strings of Edison bulbs glowing warmly all around. It’s lovely and festive, but nothing can outshine my girl. She’s particularly sparkling tonight in a gold, shimmery top and tight black pants. I can’t take my eyes off of her, but that’s always true.
The church begins to fill with people. It feels like getting together with family and not like what I was expecting a Christmas Eve church service to be. It’s nearing 7 pm and there are kids in their holiday pajamas alongside older couples dressed up and everything in between. Everyone is friendly and the time passes quickly as I’m greeted by the people around me, introducing myself and Nalani. The moment she stepped off the stage when soundcheck ended, I grabbed her by the hand, wrapping my arms around her. I want to hold her close for as long as possible.
The service is awesome. There’s an unexpected joyful energy and a reverence. I sing along with the songs I know and watch Nalani the whole time. She is breathtaking and graceful and so
very talented. When I watch her, I’m crazy proud she’s mine. She sings “In the Bleak Midwinter” alone, her voice warm and soothing. When she ends with the line about giving her heart my own heart speeds up. I know the feeling well.
The older woman next to me surreptitiously wipes a tear and squeezes my shoulder. I understand the acknowledgement — Nalani creates magic. I wish that I could be open with how I feel, but if the previous week is any indication of how Nalani handles big changes, that is a very bad idea. I don’t want to be the cause of another downward spiral right now. I’ve gotta keep busy and focus on taking care of her. Now is not the time to let her know my heart is involved. I’ll mess things up. That’s how all of my relationships end, and I can’t let anything get in the way of taking care of her.
34
Nalani
I’m super glad I agreed to step in for the church service. It was a wonderful way to spend Christmas Eve night, and nothing is more therapeutic for me than music. Everyone was appreciative and it was nice to create music without any pressure to perform since it wasn’t about that at all. It took awhile to make our exit afterwards since people kept stopping us to say something about the music or introduce themselves, but I didn’t mind all of the social interaction since Ames was by my side. My husband is so naturally charming and social, people gravitate towards him. With him next to me, I feel comfortable being that social too.
I’m noticing that he tends to care with actions and the way he’s been caring for me makes me feel more secure in our arrangement. Sometimes his caring can be a little intense — like insisting on being taught how to give me a breast exam — but even then, what could have been a juvenile joke was very obviously a man grasping at any and every way he can to protect me. I really appreciate that side of him.
Like a Good Wife (Oahu Naval Officers Book 2) Page 18