by Bella Donnis
She slinked inside the labs and entered the toilets – Empty. Erin breathed and opened the door to the solitary cubicle. She entered, closed the door, applied the lock, pulled down the toilet seat followed by the lid and took her seat.
Erin concentrated on maintaining a slow and steady breathing rhythm. After a few minutes she opened her backpack, pulling out her lunchbox. Mum had made tuna mayo with thin slices of tomato today, exactly how Erin liked it. She took a bite and savoured the flavour. Erin checked her watch – Another fifty five minutes of lunch to go.
She pulled out her magazine. “I’ve read this already.” She muttered, delving further down, searching for the Game Boy Advance.
The door to the toilets opened and footsteps pattered on the tiles; two, three people perhaps? Then one of them struck their knuckles against the cubicle door and Erin straightened in fright, holding her breath.
“We know you’re in there freak.” Came the feminine voice, though Erin couldn’t tell who it was; Jazmine, Dominique, Lorna perhaps?
They banged louder and Erin pulled her feet away from the gap at the bottom of the door, closer into herself.
“Why don’t you open up so we can all have a smoke?” Laughter.
“You’d like that, wouldn’t you, ginger freak? We can all spend lunch huddled together in a stinking, shitty toilet.” A different voice said, followed by more laughter.
“I bet she’d really love that. She probably gets off on thinking about other women, knowing her.” More banging and Erin feared they’d try climb over the top of the cubicle.
“Are you a fucking dyke, ginger freak?”
“I’ve never seen her speak to any boys.”
“I’ve never seen her speak to any girls either.”
The boat cut its elegant path through the dark water as Erin concentrated on matching Gia’s stroke rate as she slid back and forth along the track. Sweat glistened on her back, catching the sun as well as Erin’s eye.
Erin watched the large oak tree on the port side, how the boat’s progress against it was diminishing. Sure enough, as Erin matched her rhythm, Gia was barely bothering to pull on her oars.
“This is not how we’ll win Fairbairns.” Erin said with amusement. “Are you ok?”
Gia let go of her oars and the paddle ends dunked into the Cam with a splash. She leaned slowly back, her shoulders coming to rest on Erin’s thighs. “It’s almost as if there’s nobody else alive on the planet.” Gia stared straight up at Erin who feared her nostrils would be on full display.
“Well it is Sunday.” Erin looked around and sure enough, there’s was the only visible boat on the Cam, a rare thing. And neither were there pedestrians, cyclists or dog walkers close enough to make noises and spoil the rare harmony. “The advantage of training early, I suppose.”
“Drop your oars and chill…We deserve a break.”
Erin raised the hem of her t-shirt and used the material to dry the sweat from her forehead. It was a beautiful, warm morning even, considering it was mid-April in Cambridge. “I suppose it would make a nice change to enjoy the river for once.” And there was nobody in the world better to enjoy it with.
Unlike Erin, Gia didn’t seem to care about the sweat pouring off her flesh, even as she lay back on her friend’s legs. Clumps of long brown hair stuck, plastered to her forehead, the faintest hint of natural odour from a deodorant failed drifted between them. Her breasts gently lifted and fell with her breathing as the boat made the last of its purchase from their strokes through the water before stopping. She closed her eyes and began to hum – What was she thinking?
Erin enjoyed the sensation of having her friend so close, resting on her lap. Her fingers flexed around the oar handles before letting go and allowing her arms to hang by her flanks. There was nowhere to put her hands now, limp as they dangled by the sides of Gia’s head. Oh but how would it feel to run her fingers through that thick dark mane as it flowed over her thighs. More than that, Erin was filled with the urge to lean forward and show her what she’d wanted to do for a while. But instead, her hands just grabbed onto the side of the boat as the current slowly encouraged it downriver.
Gia opened her eyes, catching Erin’s stare – How embarrassing, but Gia didn’t seem to care. “Have you ever been in love?” She asked instead.
Erin’s hands gripped hard to the wood in some uncontrollable nervous reaction. “What?” How the heck was she supposed to answer that?
Gia grinned as she pulled some errant strand of hair from her mouth. “It’s a simple enough question. We shouldn’t be hiding stuff like this from each other.”
“Um, I guess you’re right.” Yes, Erin had been in love – Once. Or rather, she was in love now with a certain someone. But that person would never notice her, at least not in that way – And why would she? But Gia had asked the question and Erin never lied to Gia. She wanted to tell her – She really did. “I, um, I don’t think I’ve ever been in love…No. Sorry.” She was sorry too. But what else could she have done? It would have taken courage Erin didn’t possess to admit her feelings for Gia.
Gia remained without reaction for a long while as she just lay there, breathing. Then her eyes lowered and she blinked several times.
“Well, how about you?” Erin asked, ending the uncomfortable silence.
Gia’s eyes shot back up as she reached back with her arms, trying to link her hands around Erin’s torso. Her arms weren’t long enough, so they seemed to settle for clasping around Erin’s flanks. “Oh yes, I most certainly have.” She said with energy. “And I can tell you it’s the greatest feeling in the world.” She squeezed Erin’s fleshy sides. “But not so much when it’s not returned.” Her eyes flicked down again and then her hands slipped away and back to her own stomach.
Erin closed her eyes, soaking up the feeling of her friend’s head against her hips. Gia had been in love and Erin felt a pang of envy shoot through her. But, Erin thought, at least Gia possessed the courage to be honest and truthful with such a question, which was more than she could say for herself. For Erin, the disappointing thing was that she found herself wanting to ask just who this person was. But she lacked the courage even for that.
A kingfisher, beautiful in its orange and turquoise finery, flew over the boat and dived into the water, plucking out a fish with its beak before soaring into the air to disappear in the trees.
Gia’s chest maintained its steady rhythm. She’d gone quiet, which wasn’t like her and there appeared genuine sadness in her eyes – Whoever Gia had been in love with must have been special. Then she sat up and as though the conversation of a few minutes past had never taken place, she spoke. “Like you said, ‘this is not how we’ll win Fairbairns.’”
They grabbed the oars and the boat slowly began moving along the Cam.
Chapter Nineteen
Withdraw
Erin shook.
A slit of light seeped through a crack in her eyes, the pain forcing them shut again.
Then nothing.
Erin shook.
Then somebody, a female perhaps, gasped from somewhere close.
Then nothing.
Erin’s leg jerked. Then a sharp screech, like a chair leg sliding back against tile.
She sensed somebody close and opened her eyes to a slit, just enough so the light wouldn’t sting. Something dark loomed over her and then a hand brushed over her forehead.
“Who?” She croaked.
“Shhhh.” It was definitely a woman.
Then nothing.
Erin opened her eyes. The blinds were drawn so the sting was barely noticeable.
“Welcome back to planet earth.” Ben took hold of her hand. “You can feel me, I assume?”
“I can.” Erin scanned the room. Just as she thought – A hospital. “What happened?” A twinge, quite noticeable, from one of her ribs announced itself every time she breathed, but it was her right ankle that hurt the most even though she could tell she’d been sedated. Her ankle would hurt like bloody hell
when that wore off.
“You were hit by a scooter crossing the road. But don’t worry about that now.” He stroked his thumb over her wrist. “You’ve been in and out of consciousness all day.”
“Didn’t we…” Her last memory of Ben was of him walking out.
“…Yes, we did. Don’t worry about that. We don’t need to talk about that right now. I came as soon as I heard. Obviously I had to be here for you.” He hooked a foot round a chair leg and pulled it under himself as he took the seat. He came as soon as he heard? How had he heard?
“How did…”
A smiling doctor entered and spoke some broken English about Erin’s condition. So she was still in Italy, which came as a surprise since she knew she was supposed to catch a plane. She’d most likely missed that and would need to catch another – The banal things that went through her mind as the doctor spoke, along with the meandering design on the ceiling. That would be sure to mesmerise her later. “But we need to keep you in for observations for some nights at least.” Some of the doctor’s words made it through to Erin’s conscious, but not all.
She tried to nod, which wasn’t easy from her supine position. “Thanks.” She grunted instead.
“I be back in an hour and then your visitor leaves.” The doctor smiled and left the room.
“I didn’t catch any of what he said.” She asked Ben, raising the tone of the last word to make it sound like a question.
He smirked, “you have a cracked rib and your ankle took a knock. He’s not worried about those, but you’ll be remaining here for observation due to the head injury.” He pulled his chair closer and spoke in a low voice. “They said you stopped breathing when you cracked your head on the road,” he rubbed her arm, “which is why they put you in a medically induced coma to stop the swelling to your brain.”
Erin’s eyes had glazed over. “How long was I out for?”
“Three days. You…We’re all very lucky you’re still with us.”
When the doctor returned, Ben politely left, promising to come back the next day. The doctor carried out a number of tests, asked a bunch of questions about how she felt, then mentioned something about returning later.
A while after Erin drifted off to sleep and didn’t wake until morning. Ben arrived holding some flowers which he placed on the table to Erin’s side. “How are you feeling this morning?” He asked, taking a seat.
She thought for a second. “Actually, if I could just take a shower, I might even feel human right about now.” Erin felt alert and considering the sedation had waned, the pain could have been a lot worse. “It’ll be nice to get out of this place.” She sat up against the pillow. “I’ve been thinking about things.”
“Oh?”
“Well, there’s not a whole lot else do to around here.” She took Ben’s hand, gave it a squeeze and inhaled deeply. “About me and Gianna…I’m so very sorry you found out how you did and the way we left things. You have every right to hate me right now.”
“Erin, we don’t have to talk about this now.” Ben whispered. It meant a lot that he still cared so much to have returned from wherever he’d managed to reach.
She shook her head. “I think I’ll feel a lot better once I’ve said what I need to say and I kind of prepared a little speech for you, so here goes.”
“You have my full attention.” Ben leaned forward as his ears pricked.
Erin took another deep breath, then began. “Let me start by saying that after ten years, I’m devastated we ended in such a horrible way. I should have told you what was going on in my head…I’m sure you’ve pretty much figured it all out by now.”
Ben nodded in affirmation. “Well most of it, but I still have a few questions.”
“Of course. I have had feelings for Gianna for a long time and yes, she was the reason I wanted so badly to come to Napoli.”
Ben sniggered, “well that much is obvious.”
“I really, really should have said something about it to you. But the truth is that I wasn’t totally sure myself about exactly what was going on in my head. That was why I needed to come here and discover for myself. It’s just a damn shame you were dragged into it, but I couldn’t figure out a way around it.”
“You needed a fall back option in case it went tits up with Gianna.” His face remained expressionless as he spoke.
“You’re not so silly are you.” She held his eye contact, which wasn’t easy. “And I know, I’m the most selfish woman in the world.”
Ben sighed, “if it makes you feel better, you’re hardly the first woman in history to do that. In my case though, it doesn’t make it easier that I was second best to a woman.”
“I’m sorry.” She said again.
“So you and her are now…” he trailed off, leaving the insinuation.
Erin sighed, “I still have that to figure out, Ben. I hadn’t seen her in ten years, so I guess it’s no surprise that things haven’t been exactly how they were.” She flinched, “it’s very awkward…I just don’t know. But one thing I’ve come to realise was that it was wrong of me to string you along for so long…Ten bloody years, when…” she hesitated, “…when I wasn’t truly in love with you. I’m sorry, but you deserve somebody who worships the ground you walk on. It was wrong of me to waste so much of your time.”
Ben’s voice was calm and measured. “Again, you’re hardly the first woman, or man, in history to settle for what’s comfortable. Sometimes it’s just nice to be in a relationship, even if it’s not going anywhere. Besides, you’re not the only one responsible for that. I played my part too. How many times did we break up over the last ten years? Was it six or seven?”
“I think probably more than that.” She chuckled.
“Exactly. And if I was being totally honest, I may have had an idea, at least back in the early days that you may have been…You know…” He said, clearing his throat.
Erin’s eyes flicked upwards. “So you did remember Gianna in Cambridge?”
“I wasn’t one hundred percent certain it was the same girl, but I was sure enough. So you see, I cannot allow you to take full responsibility for how we culminated in this bloody city. It was probably on the cards for a long time…Too long in fact. And I really shouldn’t have proposed…As if doing that would make everything better.” He smiled and waved his hand in front her face as if he was exorcising her of some evil spirit. “I hereby nullify you of one half of the blame.” He leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead. “And now, you need to recover and figure out what you need to do.” He kicked back the chair and stood.
“You’re going now?” Erin asked alarmed.
“I have a trip to return to. I was half way to Venice when I got the call. You know how much I hate this bloody city.” He winked. “It seems that no matter how hard I try, I just can’t seem to escape the place.”
Erin giggled and felt the shooting pain from her rib. “I hope we can remain friends? Or at least somehow be friends in the future.” Erin’s voice cracked.
“I hope so too. But it’ll be tough fixing my heart after this. It may not be possible. I hope you understand if that’s the case.”
Erin sniffed, “no.”
Ben smiled and pulled the door open before turning back to her. “Get well and enjoy the rest of your life.”
And then he was gone.
The day passed slowly. Other than when the nurses stopped by, there was nobody around to talk to in Erin’s private intensive care room. The TV was all in Italian and Erin had no reading material. All Erin could do to occupy her time was to think which, considering the circumstances, was probably a blessing, or not. She thought about her future and about the damn Italian as well as the fact that the two would most likely never be linked.
Erin closed her eyes as she pictured the Gianna of old and the happy times they shared.
An hour later, Erin’s eyes opened with a start. She hadn’t meant to fall asleep again.
“Erin.” The voice hissed from the corner.
“I’m so glad you’re ok. I thought I’d lost you.” Gianna pulled the chair closer. Her eyes were puffy and red, her hair unkempt and wild.
“Hi…The doctor isn’t worried and I’ll likely be out of here in a few days. I have a concussion and an ankle that hurts like crazy.” She gave a small nod in Gianna’s direction. “In fact I’d say you look worse than I do.” Erin smiled and was glad when Gianna smiled back.
“I’ve been here every day. I spoke to you. I told you how sorry I was.” Gianna wiped at her eyes, the skin beneath sore.
“You’re sorry?” What was she apologising for exactly?
“I feel responsible. She did it out of jealousy, because of me.” Gianna looked down to her hands where they were fiddling with the edge of Erin’s blanket.
“Who did?” Ah, then Erin guessed who after she asked the question. Surprisingly, Erin’s mind hadn’t yet been occupied with the culprit, what with everything else. If she’d seen the rider at the time, she certainly didn’t remember it now.
“Agata.” Gianna spoke with an unfamiliar scorn. “The police think she tried to kill you, which is probably the truth. If it makes you feel better, she’s hurt pretty bad too. Not that I give a shit.” It was the first time Erin had heard such hatred from Gianna, though probably justified.
Erin sat up against the bedhead. It was then that she noticed the damn poem clutched in Gianna’s hand, the paper more crumpled and tear marked than ever. “I don’t wish bad on the girl. Like I said before, I know what she’s going through.” Erin smiled at Gianna. “Though I think I would probably have stopped short of attempted murder.”
“Well it’s with the police now.” Gianna reached for Erin’s hand, who slowly pulled it away and hid it below the covers. Gianna dropped her gaze. “That poem was the most beautiful thing I ever read.”