From Dream to Destiny

by Caddy Rowland

  Sophie softly bit his neck as they walked out. She waved to her boss, as he smiled and wished them well. He was glad for both of them. Sophie was a good person, even if she was not a very good server. As for Gastien, he kept things interesting. He could be a pain in the ass because women were always after him. It caused fights at times, but he also added excitement and character to the place, along with many of his amis.

  You took the bad along with the good when you asked the more interesting types of clientele to frequent your place of business. Each one of the more unique customers could drive him nuts at times. Other times, he would have killed anyone who tried to say anything bad about one of them.

  When Sophie and Gastien got home, Sophie begged for a bath. Gastien got it ready for her and they both got in, washing away the harsh smells of smoke. When they got to bed, Gastien talked for a few minutes. All of a sudden, he realized she was fast asleep. He smiled tenderly at her sleeping form. Understanding exhaustion, he let her sleep peacefully. There would be plenty of time in the morning to take care of other needs.

  For the next three weeks things went on in a routine, with Sophie staying during her days off. Gastien painted portraits one day a week. The rest of the time he worked on things he wanted to paint. He did not go into that special place again, because that did not happen to him the majority of the time that he painted.

  He could call on it enough to get done what he wanted to get done, but to fully enter that place often would have been physically and emotionally impossible. His mistress understood that better than Gastien. She was careful not to claim him too often. He was a precious vessel that communicated her energy. She had no desire to use him up or hurt him.

  XXXII

  It was Sunday morning during the first week of October. Sophie lay in Gastien’s arms, completely relaxed after a long lovemaking session. Gastien turned to look at her.

  “I think I will put on some coffee. Do you want me to go get some croissants?”

  Sophie kissed him. “Oui that would be lovely. It also allows me to sleep a few more minutes. I am so tired lately! It is really hard work at Au Lapin Agile. I don’t think I will ever be very good at serving.”

  Gastien kissed her and got out of bed. “Well, perhaps you should look for something else. Perhaps you could find work in a shop of some kind. I don’t really like you being hassled by all of the men anyway.”

  Sophie changed the subject back to food. “Bring me two croissants, will you?”

  Gastien pretended to be shocked. “TWO??? For someone as little as you? Soon you will be so fat that I won’t get you through my studio door!” She threw his pillow at him; then snuggled under the covers.

  When Gastien returned, he put the coffee on. Once it started to boil, he took it off the burner and woke Sophie up. She put on his shirt and went out back. When she was gone longer than usual, Gastien went out to look for her.

  “Sophi-belle? Are you ok?”

  He noticed the door was open, so he knew she was not in the privy. Then he saw her over in one corner of the yard, wiping her mouth as she got up from her knees. He hurried over to her.

  “Sophie? Whatever are you doing??”

  Then he saw the vomit.

  She got up shakily and looked up at him, white as a sheet. He picked her up and carried her inside.

  “Here let me put you back in bed. You must have a fever! I will get the doctor,” he said.

  She put out a hand and stopped him. “Gastien, don’t bother.”

  He placed her on the bed.

  “Of course I will get him! You have to take care of yourself. He will know what herbs to get – “

  “Gastien, I am going to have a baby,” Sophie said softly, a tear running down her face. She looked away, not wanting to see his reaction.

  Gastien froze. His legs would not hold him; he sat down on the bed.

  After a few minutes of just staring at her he said hoarsely, “You are what?”

  Now she looked really scared. “I am carrying your child, Gastien. Oh, God, I am so sorry!”

  She burst into tears. Gastien gathered her into his arms.

  “Shhhh. Shhhh. Don’t cry, Sophie. Don’t cry,” he said over and over.

  A baby. If she already was sure and was sick, it must have happened during the first three days they were together. All he heard was the sound of his racing heartbeat in his ears. He did not want a baby! He loved her – oh , how he loved her! But, a baby? Non! God damn it, non! A baby ruined everything! He had given too much for the freedom to paint. He could not turn his back on it!

  He looked down at the woman in his arms. She was trembling, looking up at him, waiting for him to say something, anything, to reassure her. Yet, he found he couldn’t. He was not surprised to find that his face was also wet with tears.

  Suddenly he was sobbing along with her. He knew he should be a source of strength, but this was going to possibly ruin his whole life! If he did not let it do so, it most definitely would ruin hers. He finally found his voice.

  “Sophie, I am sorry that I am not responding the way the man you love should. I am just so shocked! I need to think.”

  She said nothing, but burrowed closer to his chest, still shaking.

  “Je t’aime Sophie. Je t’aime. Just – let’s lie back down for a little while. I need to sort my head out.”

  He climbed into bed with his clothes on, pulling her close, her back facing him. He curled around her and held on tight. Gastien could hear her quiet sobbing, even though she was trying not to make any noise. He kissed her neck and whispered that it would be all right over and over.

  But it wouldn’t be all right! How could it? Finally, exhausted, she fell asleep. Gastien’s brain hurt; he was tired of thinking. He shut his eyes. Mercifully, he also fell asleep for a short time.

  As soon as he woke up, he remembered. Watching Sophie sleep, he realized how young and vulnerable she looked. It was hard to believe he was making love to her, let alone fathering a child with her. What were they going to do? Gastien already knew he would not make her face this alone. He loved her; there was no desire at all to abandon her.

  For a brief moment, he wondered if she would consider taking some of those herbs that Cassie had mentioned working well for ending a pregnancy.

  He was immediately ashamed. Who knew, it might be a child already, even if it was so small it could not be seen. Would it be murder?

  Then he remembered that one of Sophie’s fears was that she would never have a child. Even if he could live with having ended a pregnancy, how could he ask her to do that when she wanted a child so badly? He was not heartless.

  Non, that was out of the question for both of them. There was enough guilt inside of him for past decisions. He did not wish to add more to the list. Although Gastien held no fear of burning in some make believe hell, he was well aware of how real hell could be here on earth with nightmares.

  So, what did that leave? Sophie could go away, have the baby, and give it up to a couple who wanted a child. He dismissed that immediately. Again, he could not ask her to give up a child when she had been so afraid that she could not have one.

  She could have the baby and be an unmarried mother. He felt sick thinking about that. Although women had made strides in France to get unwed mothers equal rights to married women, the social stigma still hung heavy. Sophie would be looked down on for the rest of her life; no man would want to marry her. He had no desire to see her shamed because she had borne his child. Although unfair, but the fact remained that it would occur. There was no way he would ruin her or make her face this alone.

  They could marry. He would have a wife and child with him. Gastien immediately felt like vomiting. His palms began sweating, and his hands shook. If they did that, they would not be able to live here. If they bought another house, he would have used too much of his money. If he sold the studio, he would have sold himself into slavery.

  Either way, selling the studio or using all of his money, he would be finis
hed as a full time artist. He would have to waiter or find some menial, low paying job, probably working six days a week to make ends barely meet. They would be hand to mouth because he had no skills except painting. Gastien would die inside because he was not doing art.

  His gut told him that was not an option either. While he loved Sophie, he also cared for himself. He had been given so few years of happiness so far! If he chose a life that made him once again unhappy, how could he be a good husband and father? And more children would come along. He would wish he was dead every day that he woke up. That was no way to live, and it was certainly not something to force Sophie to live with.

  Gastien was back to square one. He had run out of options. Sophie turned in her sleep. Feeling his warmth, she moved closer, sighing and then making a soft snoring sound. His heart filled with love for the woman. Suddenly, he knew what had to be done.

  He would talk some sense into her. She was not too far along. It would be easy for her to find a good homme to become a husband to her. She would have to act quickly, seducing him so that he would think it was his child. Gastien hated the thought. How would he live without her? Regardless, he had no choice, really. If he loved her, he would have to give her up. It would be best for both of them. There was no future with him.

  Sophie opened her eyes. She gazed up at Gastien, giving him the most beautiful smile…and then she remembered. Embarrassed, she looked away. He could feel the tenseness in her body. His hand moved to rub her back.

  “Sophie? Let’s get up and have some coffee. We need to talk.”

  Wordlessly, she dressed and went outside again. When she came back, Gastien had coffee poured and the croissants at the table. He tried to lighten the mood.

  “No wonder you wanted two croissants! You are eating for you and a baby,” he said, but it came out tinny sounding.

  Sophie did not even attempt to answer back. Her mouth was dry and she found it difficult to even swallow, let alone joke. She played with one of her croissants. She did not want to look at him because she knew she would burst into tears again. What good would that do?

  This was so unfair! Here she was, with the man she loved, carrying a baby she wanted desperately. Instead of it being a celebration, she felt like they were in mourning. The baby deserved better than that, and so did she. Suddenly angry, she threw down her croissant.

  “Damn you, Gastien, you can be a real connard!” she cried. Forcing back the tears, she continued, “You probably think I planned this. I didn’t! I just didn’t think at all. But, you! You have already fathered at least one that you know of and probably more! You should have thought of it, too!”

  “Sophie, I told you not to get involved with me! I was not planning on sleeping with you!”

  “Stop the excuses, Gastien. You knew as well as I did where we were going to end up! You just did not have the balls to get there any sooner. You had to serve up your drama about how you were not as good as I deserved. If you truly felt I deserved better, you would have let me be!” She started sobbing. “You could have just let me be! What did you need me for? You have plenty of women!”

  “I have told myself over and over that I should have left you alone! That has been my mantra for months now,” stated Gastien. “But you know why I didn’t?”

  She did not answer.

  “Well, I will tell you why I didn’t. Because I couldn’t stop! I just couldn’t stop! I was drawn to you, Sophie. You are meant to be mine. I don’t know why, because I can’t give you what you want. But you are definitely meant to be mine!”

  He reached across the table and held her hand. “Look at me.” She looked up. “Je t’aime, Sophie. I simply love you.”

  “And Je t’aime, but that isn’t enough, is it,” she said flatly. “Don’t worry. I am not asking you to marry me and give up your studio.”

  “And I am not asking you to get rid of the baby or be an unwed mother. I would never want you to be dishonored! But there is an alternative.” She looked at him. “You can find a decent homme. It is not too late! You can get him to believe it is his child.”

  “Gastien!” She was livid. “I should slap you across the face for that! That is so heartless, so dishonest! What do you take me for?”

  He grasped both of her hands, pleading with her. “Think calmly, Sophie. I am saying this out of love. You will have a husband; the baby will have a father. You will be taken care of. Isn’t that what you want?”

  “The baby already has a father, Gastien. You! How can you think I would be that dishonest, when I hate lying so much? And Je t’aime! How could I lay with another man night after night, pretending he was you? Perhaps you could forget about me, but I could never forget about you!” She was crying again.

  “Non! Non, I would never forget about you, Sophie. This will be the first and the last time I fall in love. My heart will break when you leave me, but it is the only way!”

  She got up then and stared at him for a long time.

  “All right, Gastien. You had your say. I am not marrying another man! I will have this child and raise it on my own. If you want to see the child you will be able to any time; however, since you believe you are so bad for me, I think we need to end our relationship right now. It won’t get any easier later. Please don’t see me out.”

  Sophie turned and walked quickly out the door.

  XXXIII

  Gastien felt horrible. What had he just done? He finally had found someone who understood him, that he really loved, and now he had thrown it away. There had to be some way to make this work! There had to be! He ran to the door and down the street after her.

  “SOPHIE! COME BACK!!!”

  She kept walking.

  “Sophie, please…” he puffed when he caught up to her. “Please stop walking. I need to catch my breath!”

  She stopped. “Why draw this out, Gastien? You have made your stance quite clear.”

  “Non! I haven’t! Something you just said back there a while ago gave me the answer. You said I did not want to marry you and give up my studio. You are right about that. But we can still make it work. We can!”

  Sophie was not impressed. “I am not interested in just making something work! I want a man who loves me or no man at all. I did not ask for much, Gastien. All I wanted was your love.”

  “And you have it! You do! Mon Dieu, woman, Je t’aime as deeply as I can! You know that. I don’t want to live without you! Listen, come back with me and let’s talk.”

  “I don’t want to talk.”

  He grabbed her and threw her over his shoulder. “Fine. Don’t talk. You are still coming back to the studio.”

  “PUT ME DOWN!”

  “Non! Quit struggling! I might drop you and that could injure the baby.” She quieted down. “We don’t want anything to happen to our baby,” he said gently.

  Sophie could not believe her ears. She must not have heard right.

  “Did you say ‘our’ baby?” she asked.

  “Oui. Ours.”

  He walked the rest of the way in silence.

  Once inside, he put her down on a chaise and climbed up next to her. He kissed her deeply.

  “Now tell me you don’t belong with me,” he whispered.

  She looked away. “I can’t.”

  “Non. You can’t. So, here is what I am thinking. It is not that I don’t want you. And it is not that I won’t love my son.“

  “Your son? Just how do you know this baby is a son?”

  “Because I do.”

  “That is no reason!”

  “A man just knows when he is going to have a son.”

  Sophie laughed. “And if he is a she?”

  “Then I will love her. But he isn’t. He is a son. Just wait and see.”

  “How nice to be psychic! But, anyway, you were saying?”

  “I just can’t live a traditional life, like most people. I can’t, Sophie. I sold my soul for this studio. I love my art more than you, more than life. It is how I was made.”

  �
��I know that – “

  “Just be quiet and let me explain.” He smiled to take the harshness away and brushed her hair back out of her eyes. “Let a man talk for a minute!”

  She smiled cautiously.

  He continued, “It is a given that we are in love. And that we both want the baby. I know you won’t be crazy about this, but how about if we get married, but you live at Odette’s?”

  Sophie looked at him like he was insane. She shook her head, starting to speak.

  Gastien quickly said, “Don’t answer right away. I know it is unheard of. Even so, it could work. We could still see each other, I could still be part of the baby’s life, but I would get to keep my studio and my freedom to live my life how I need to. Now, I know this is not happily ever after for you, but it is better than the alternatives, isn’t it? Could you accept that?”

  Sophie looked doubtful. “Gastien, I don’t know what to say. I don’t think you understand the repercussions of this. I know my aunt would not kick me out, but she would be even less civil to you. My family would hate you for this. The whole community would talk about us! You would be a selfish connard and I would be a fool. That is a difficult life.”

  “Sophie, I know it won’t be easy for awhile; but people tend to accept things once they see people are happy. And this is Montmartre! You live in Pigalle, which is not much more structured. I think people would eventually chalk it up to me being a crazy bohemian and you being a crazy bohemian’s wife.”

  Gastien made a face like a madman. Sophie could not help but giggle.

  He asked, “Even if not everyone accepts it, do you care? I don’t. I could care less what others think of me, except for my amis. Your family will still love you, and because of that they will eventually at least be civil to me. They want you happy. I can put up with any merde they give me.”

  He kissed her, long and tenderly. “Sophie, I am willing to be the town connard for love. Are you willing to be the town fool?”