by Eric Vall
The redheaded madame took a bite of the eggroll, and I could hear the crunch from all the way across the room. Sia’s eyes widened as she chewed, and then she swallowed and let out a squeak of joy.
“This is what you mortals here on Earth realm eat every day?” the madame balked. “Why didn’t I change allegiances sooner?”
“If you think that’s good, try this.” Todd extended his tiny arm and handed Sia another container. “Sweet and sour chicken is the shit.”
The redhead looked skeptical as she opened the box, but then shrugged and took a bite.
“Oh my lord.” Her eyes rolled back in her head. “Have you tried this, Jacob?”
I walked over to Sia with my pair of chopsticks, picked up a piece of the chicken, and tossed it into my mouth. The instant it hit my taste buds, my entire mouth filled with a sensation of the sauce’s tanginess mixed with the greasiness of the deep-fried batter.
It tasted like heaven on Earth.
“Bro, even the white rice here tastes like it was prepared by master chefs,” Todd mumbled as grains of the puffy side dish flew out of his mouth. “And I haven’t even tried the crab rangoons yet.”
“Are those like the lobsters we ate back in New England?” Cupi hesitated at the thought. “I don’t want bits of shell in my mouth again.”
“Nonono, dudette.” Todd laughed as he pulled out one of the yellow triangles. “This kind of crab is surrounded by a fried shell, not a protective one. Plus it’s filled with cheese and onions.”
Cupi took the rangoon from the imp, raised it to her mouth, and bit it in half. The pastry had been packed so tightly that the succubus’ bite caused a glob of thick, velvety cream cheese to explode out of the opposite side. She caught the falling white substance in her hand as she savored the texture of the food in her mouth. When she had finished the rangoon, Cupi looked over at me and seductively licked the remaining cream off her hand.
“I don’t know how much more I can handle,” Libidine groaned as she bit into a steamed dumpling.
“Didn’t we have this exact conversation a few minutes ago?” I raised my eyebrow coyly.
“We did.” Cupi laughed. “And like always, I was the one who finally pushed you both over the edge.”
“Thank your lucky stars that you don’t have to put up with Sister Ira,” Sia interjected. “She’d beat you within an inch of your life before she’d let you finish the job.”
“I didn’t see you helping.” The blonde stuck out her tongue at her madame.
“I helped plenty, didn’t I Jacob?” Sia winked. “And I didn’t even have to lift a finger.”
I laughed. “I think you lifted a few fingers if I remember correctly.”
“Three,” Sia bashfully cooed.
“Guys, unless you want to see all of this delicious food come back up on the floor, we should stop talking about your sexcapades.” Todd rolled his eyes.
“What’s even left?” I asked. “I feel like we’ve eaten everything you ordered and then some.”
“I’m glad you asked, Jakey.” Todd belched. “Your generous chef has saved the very best for last. What is no Chinese food meal complete without?”
“Chinese donuts?” I said as a wide grin spread across my face.
“Chinese donuts,” the imp confirmed as he reached into the remaining brown paper bag and pulled out a white lunch sack. “Also known as Chinese Churros or Youtiao or, as I like to call them, crack when you’re stoned off your ass.”
“It’s a true story.” I turned to the succubi. “Todd once got really high during a Chinese New Year party at school and gobbled down twenty of those things. In one sitting.”
Todd tossed us each one of the sticky, sugar-dipped fried donuts.
My stomach seemed to scream as it tried to keep me from eating the fried pastry in my hands. Thankfully, I had never met a donut that I couldn’t eat. I popped the crispy, sugary food into my mouth and savored the sweetness.
The succubi did the same, but I could tell that all three of them had gorged themselves to the point of misery. Libidine walked over to the couch and plopped down with her hand on her stomach. Cupi sat down at the table and hung her head over a half-empty container of lo mein in defeat.
Meanwhile, I noticed that Sia wasn’t moving at all.
“You okay, Superbia?” I asked the redhead.
“I think I’m too stuffed to move,” she responded as she stood as still as possible.
“Really?” Todd hopped down off the table and waddled across the marble floor. “I’m considering ordering a pizza to top it all off. Score one for the Toddster’s steel gullet!”
“Hey, if you want more, be my guest,” I said with a wave of my hand. “I’m sure there’s plenty left on Quinn’s cards. If that’s okay with Sia, of course.”
“I’ll need to spend some time looking over the accounts, but I’m sure another order wouldn’t do any harm.” The madame shrugged. “I don’t know if I could say the same health-wise, but if it tastes half as good as the food we just ate, I’m all for it.”
“Sounds like a plan.” Todd snickered. “I’m gonna go get comfortable first. I saw this sweet pair of robes when I was going through Quinn’s closet.”
“Robes?” I asked with a raised eyebrow.
“Todd Masterson is living the high life!” The imp exclaimed as he ran up the winding staircase.
“Your friend there is quite the character.” Sia placed her hand on the small of my back and laughed. “Was he always like that?”
“An imp? Or just crazy?” I smiled at the redhead.
“Your response tells me everything I need to know,” Superbia said as she looked up at me with her large violet eyes.
“You know, I totally would have let you join us out there in the pool,” I admitted to the woman. “In fact, I actually was kind of hoping you would join us.”
“Oh, I know.” Sia batted her doe eyes at me. “But I’m the succubus of pride. You’re going to have to earn it first.”
“Get a room, you two!” Libidine chuckled from the living room.
“My sister is only half-joking,” Cupi’s voice piped up from her makeshift pillow on the table. “If we want to continue to get stronger and go after the higher-level demon lords, you need to form a connection with as many succubi as you possibly can.”
“Wow, so you’re giving me a free pass to sleep with as many hot demon chicks as I want?” I couldn’t believe my ears. “If only Tamira had been this cool.”
“Dare not speak her name!” Todd’s voice screamed from the air vent above us.
“Who is Tamir--” Sia started.
“I said no sprechen!” The imp’s voice echoed through the vent.
“It was my ex.” I rolled my eyes. “As you can see, Todd hated her even more than I do.”
The redhead comforted me with a pat on the back. “She sounds awful.”
“Oh, she was.” I chuckled. “I’d honestly rather face down Azazel again than spend another minute with her.”
“Maybe she was one of those secret demons-in-hiding here on Earth?” Cupi joked.
“It honestly wouldn’t surprise me,” I laughed.
“Bro, let’s stop talking about your shitty ex and talk some more about this sweet-ass outfit,” Todd said as he walked back into the room.
The imp wore a navy blue robe that was ten times too big for his body. The bottom of the outfit dragged behind him like the train of a wedding dress as he waddled across the floor. A brown leather belt was cinched tight around the imp’s waist that contained two holsters, both of which had an elegantly designed knife hilt jutting out. The dark blue garment was dotted with several dark red splatters.
“Tah-dah,” Todd laughed as he gave a twirl. “What do you think? This is gonna get all the ladies wet, isn’t it?”
“Wet from their own blood when you stab them to death, or…?” I half-joked.
“What are you talking about, bro?” Todd turned his head in puzzlement. “This is just the des
ign. It’s made to look like blood so that people think you’re a badass! It’s like those T-shirts I used to wear all the time with the skulls and motorcycles on them.”
“Jacob,” Sia now had a concerned tone in her voice. “I recognize those robes.”
Todd seemed to not be listening to anyone as he drew the daggers from their sheaths and handed them to me. “And check out these badass knives it comes with!”
I glanced sidelong at Sia as I looked over the weapons. Both of the knives looked like they were made out of pure silver, and they felt heavy in my hand. At the end of each hilt rested an intricately carved design, one of a bull and one of a goat. Both of the carvings had shiny red jewels in the sunken spaces where the beasts’ eyes should normally be.
Most interesting, however, was the dried blood that covered the blades.
“Those are the robes and weapons of Azazel’s followers,” Sia said as terror filled her voice.
“So wait, this is real blood?” Todd’s eyes widened.
“If it is the Cult of Azazel, then I’d bet that blood is from the Ritual of the Virgin Birth,” Cupi added.
“Ritual of the Virgin Birth?” Todd asked. “I’m not sure I understand--”
“Oh, nothing to worry about,” the blonde said with a laugh. “It’s just that ritual where they smear a virgin’s menstrual blood all over themselves.”
“Menstru--- Eeeehaaaa!” Todd screamed in horror as he threw the robe off his body and dashed out the door toward the pool.
Cupi turned to grin at the rest of us the moment the imp was out of earshot. “It’s not really menstrual blood.” And then, unable to help herself, the succubi doubled over in laughter.
“But it is real blood?” I asked Superbia with an arched eyebrow.
“Unfortunately, yes,” Sia continued. “I was never deeply involved with the Cult of Azazel, though I am familiar with a lot of their rituals and such. Most of them involved animals, but the more intense ceremonies included the sacrifice of humans.”
“So that must have been the top-secret project that Blum and Quinn were talking about.” I stroked my chin as I thought. “Something to do with this cult and that fucker Azazel.”
“I’m afraid that’s the extent of my knowledge, Jacob.” Sia sighed. “Azazel liked to drag me to these ass-kissing ceremonies of his quite often, but I could never make rhyme or reason of what was going on.”
“But we do know someone who might be able to,” Liby spoke up.
“That’s right.” I nodded as I reached into my pocket and pulled out my cell phone. “If anybody can give us some insight into this ‘Cult of Azazel,’ it’d be the archangel, Raphael.”
Chapter 5
“Uhg, Raphael.” Cupiditas rolled her eyes. “He’s such a goodie-two-shoes.”
“He’s a divine Archangel,” I laughed as I dialed the contact number Raphael had given us after our battle with Azazel. “You don’t get much more pure than that.”
“Oh, please.” the blonde waved her hand in front of her face. “I know Raphael, and he’s anything but pure. Yet I’m the one who got kicked out of the Army of the Divine, and he’s the one who was promoted. Same crime, different punishment.”
“If I didn’t know any better, sister, I’d say you’re still bitter,” Libidine chuckled.
Cupiditas lifted her slender hand and ran her fingers through Liby’s dark hair lovingly. “Maybe just a little, but there’s a silver lining to everything. If I hadn’t fallen, I would never have met you or Sia or Jacob.”
“I think I got all the blood cleaned off.” Todd shivered as he returned through the hole where the patio door had been. “I even used those little water jet thingies in the shower to make sure I got into every crack and crevice.”
“Ewww, bro,” I moaned as my phone’s display lit up to show it was making a call.
“What?” The imp snickered. “It’s not like I rubbed my dick on them. Todd Jr. is far too large.”
“Are you speaking from experience?” Sia couldn’t help but giggle.
Todd shrugged. “Sometimes, when you’re baked out of your mind, a hole is a hole.”
“Maybe we should stop talking about dicks and holes before the holy archangel arrives?” I chuckled as I tried to change the subject. “I have a feeling he’s not going to appreciate that type of humor.”
The display on my screen showed that the phone was ringing, but there was still no answer.
“Oh please, Jacob.” Cupiditas rolled her eyes. “I fought alongside with Raphael when I was on the side of the divine. That guy had more affairs with Earth women than you can imagine. He even got a few of them pregnant. It was a massive scandal at the time.”
“No way.” Todd sounded impressed. “Raphael has Nephilim?”
“Nephilim?” I questioned.
“Children of Divine beings,” Sia clarified. “According to the scripture, they were all wiped out by the Great Flood, but nobody really knows what happened to them.”
“I do remember Lucifer once sent his forces after a rumored Nephilim here on Earth, but our intel came up empty.” Liby shrugged. “I honestly don’t think they exist. Even if they do, they’ve been doing a great job of hiding.”
“What would the Devil want with one of those things, anyway?” I asked as I looked down at my phone again.
Still no answer.
“The Nephilim possess great power,” Sia explained. “They are said to draw their abilities from multiple realms, sometimes even at the same time.”
“We demons can only conjure up the magic we’re given from Hell.” Libidine pouted. “But it’s okay, we all enjoy being bad, anyways.”
“If either side of this conflict were to get their hands on a Nephilim, it’d change the entire tide of the war,” the blonde succubus explained with a frown. “A Nephilim at full power could devastate entire armies, level entire cities, or even take on Lucifer himself!”
“Okay, so I get that all the original Nephilims have disappeared.” I was starting to get annoyed that the Archangel hadn’t responded yet. “But why aren’t all the angels and demons just showing up on Earth and producing more?”
Todd giggled. “Now that’s an episode of Maury I wouldn’t want to miss.”
“Because the practice of conceiving a child with a mortal is punishable by death according to the Armistice of A.D.,” Sia interjected. “Although now that Azazel has blatantly broken the Heaven-Hell Accords and reignited the war, anything could be on the table. He’s set a very dangerous precedent.”
“So… could we make some Nephilim of our own?” I raised my eyebrow playfully.
Sia clicked her tongue and shook her head. “We’re succubi, Jacob. We can’t be out there doing our jobs if we’re impregnated. A male Angel or Demon can impregnate a mortal woman quite easily, but it’s much more complicated the other way around.”
“I knew it!” Todd exclaimed. “My boys can swim! The ‘ol Toddster is gonna go sow his oats all over creation.”
“That’s just what we need,” I chuckled. “A bunch of baby Todd’s running around.”
“I dunno though.” The imp tapped his finger to his chin. “Am I rushing into this? Is the Toddster ready to settle down and have a family? So much responsibility…”
“When we are designated as succubi, Lucifer casts a powerful spell over us,” Cupiditas ignored Todd’s comments. “It’s what keeps us from getting pregnant.”
“Makes sense,” Todd interrupted. “I don’t think too many demons would want to sign up to be a Nephilim Nanny.”
“Exact--”
“A Succubi Sitter,” Todd added.
“No, I suppose--”
“A Demon Day-Care?”
“I get it, Todd!” Sia half huffed, half laughed. “Besides, we succubi wouldn’t produce an offspring anywhere close to the power level a high-ranking demon like Azazel would.”
“Can the spell be broken?” I asked the madame. “Is there any way we could make our own army of little Nephilims?”
“Unfortunately, it’s a spell designed by Lucifer himself,” Sia sighed. “It’s a long and complex discussion, but essentially the only way to break the curse would be for you to become as powerful as he is.”
“Never say never.” I shrugged.
Our conversation was suddenly interrupted by a blinding white light from the living room of the mansion. I turned around and momentarily shielded my eyes so that my retinas weren’t burned out of my skull. When the light finally died down, I lowered my hand. Before me stood the familiar figure of the Archangel, Raphael.
Just as the first time we had met, he wore a flowing white robe that danced elegantly in the air even as he stood still. Raphael wore his dark hair back in a ponytail, and he now had bits of black stubble growing out of his chiseled face. As he approached, he appeared to float through the air.
“I apologize for the delay, my friends.” The Archangel’s voice was deep and booming, but somehow still calm and soothing. “I just now had a chance to look at my pager.”
“Wait.” Todd's mouth fell agape, and then a wide grin spread across his face. “Did you just say ‘pager?’ Like, the little black box that beeps when somebody calls you?”
“Yes…?” Raphael didn’t understand our amusement. “It’s state-of-the art human technology.”
“If this were 1987!” Todd fell over onto the ground as he started laughing hysterically. “Where did you get it, Radio Shack?”
“Circuit City,” the dark-haired man corrected.
Todd roared with laughter as he held his arms across his belly and rolled back and forth.
“It’s served me well for decades. I’ll continue using it until it breaks.” Raphael shrugged.
Todd stood up and wiped away a tear.
“Can I borrow your phone, Jakey?” he asked and then turned back to Raphael. “Raph, I need to show you this. It’s gonna blow your mind.”
The imp motioned for Raphael to come closer as he used his free hand to grab my phone and tap at the screen.
“You see, this is called a smartphone,” he explained. “You can use them to call or text people instantly, play games, or even explore the World Wide Web! You do know what the internet is, right?”