His hand slid away and he took a step back. He studied her face, anxious to hear her thoughts on the matter.
“I’m happy to hear that. She needs her father.” She set the knife down and turned to face him fully. “I have to admit, I do have my concerns. I assume your career takes you out of town for long stretches at a time.” A muscle ticked in his jaw, confirming her suspicion. “I understand your work is important to you. It should be. It sounds as though the organization is saving lives. However, I need to know that Mia will be a priority in your life. If you make promises to her, I expect you to keep them. If you tell her you’ll be there, you had better be. If I’m going to allow you to get close to her, she needs to feel like she matters to you. I don’t want her to feel like an afterthought.”
He nodded. “I understand. I know you couldn’t rely on me toward the end of our relationship. For that, I’m sorry. Things will be different with Mia. I promise you.”
“I needed to hear that.”
“My job is flexible. I can turn down assignments if I need to.”
“You could turn down security-detail assignments when we were engaged. But you never did.” There was no rebuke, only a gentle reminder in her tone. She had no doubt that Alex wanted to be a good father. But he was going to have to prove himself to her.
“One of the many mistakes I made in the past.”
“I need you to know I’m not dragging up the past out of spite,” she said.
“I know. You’re not that kind of person.”
“I have Mia’s feelings to consider and I won’t do anything that could hurt her.”
He moved forward and reached for her hands again. “I understand. I always knew you would make an amazing mother. I simply want the opportunity to be a good father.”
“I miss her,” she said miserably. “I truly think leaving her with Beth was for the best. But I miss her so much. I’m trying so hard not to be angry. Sometimes it creeps up on me. When I’m not angry, I’m afraid. I’m trying to trust in God and I hate that I can feel my faith wavering. What if He doesn’t get me out of this?”
Her lower lip began to tremble. She didn’t want to cry. Not here. Not now. Not in front of Alex. He was always so strong. In the past, she had counted on that strength, leaned on it. She no longer had a right to it.
“He will get you through this.” Alex wrapped his arms around her, cocooning her against his chest. He felt wonderful yet frightening. She was afraid that she was sliding along a dangerous path. It would be all too easy to fall for him. Fall hard. She’d done it before and she should be smart enough not to do it again.
She wasn’t feeling smart.
She was feeling scared and alone.
His nearness offered comfort she hadn’t felt in such a long time. Her tension eased as her body melted into his. Being near him felt so natural. It made her nostalgic, longing for the days when their love was solid and secure.
She had thought she’d moved past missing him.
As she soaked up his nearness, her heart rattled painfully as she thought of him leaving again. And he would leave. It was inevitable. She knew she needed to guard her heart. She knew it wasn’t her imagination that they were growing close again. She couldn’t let that happen. Couldn’t let herself get any more attached than she already was.
It would only end in heartache.
“I’m here to help you through this, too,” he murmured.
His words reminded her of exactly why he was there. She placed her hands against his chest and stepped back. He was there because she was in trouble. He was intent on rescuing her. Nothing more, nothing less.
“I should check the sauce.” Claire shrugged out of his embrace, turning away from him.
“You do that,” Alex agreed. “I thought of something I need to do.”
Claire glanced over her shoulder on her way to the stove. “Right now?”
“I can’t think of a better time. I’ll be right back.”
He sauntered out of the kitchen, leaving Claire staring at his back. It wasn’t like Alex to walk away from a conversation. Or maybe his emotions were as tangled as hers and he needed a moment to himself.
She stirred the sauce, drained the noodles and set them both on the back burners.
He returned to the kitchen in the midst of a phone call. An unexpected glint in his eye took her by surprise. Had one of his or Mason’s contacts come through? Did she dare hope?
Before she could ponder the thought too deeply, he was standing in front of her.
“Someone wants to speak with you.”
He pressed the phone to her ear. Her hand slid over his as she held the phone in place.
“It’s Gretchen,” he whispered.
“Hello?” She shot him a questioning look as he backed away.
“Hello, there.” Gretchen’s voice was melodic. She sounded young. Too young to be in the line of work she was in. “I don’t think this is the best idea, so I’d like you to keep it short.”
Claire didn’t have a chance to question her. A moment later a familiar voice floated across the line, making her knees go weak.
“Momma?” Mia’s tone held equal parts happiness and curiosity. “Momma, is it you?”
Claire collapsed into the kitchen chair, grateful that it was there. “Hi, baby.” Her voice caught in her throat.
Claire felt Alex watching her. She looked up and caught his eye. His expression was indecipherable. Perhaps it was a look of peace melded with a bit of longing. She quickly activated the speakerphone option.
“I miss you,” Mia announced.
Her small, warm voice wrapped around Claire’s heart, bringing a burst of pleasure to her day.
“I miss you, too,” she said.
“I can’t go to the park anymore but Auntie got a swing set.”
“Did she?”
“Yes! It has a slide and a castle because I’m a princess!”
Claire watched as Alex scrubbed a hand over his face, as if trying to mask his emotions. Claire had to assume this wasn’t the introduction to his daughter that he had longed for, but it was touching to watch his reaction all the same.
They listened as Mia prattled on about nonsensical things such as Popsicles and unicorns, and then moved on to the new doll buggy Beth had given her. She smiled as their daughter complained about string beans and oatmeal.
She let her gaze fall away from Alex, closed her eyes and soaked up the few precious moments she had with her child.
Mia spoke quickly, excitedly, as she confessed every grievance and delight that flowed into her mind. It was as if she’d saved it all up for this very phone call.
Claire listened, cherishing every word, content to hear the sound of her daughter’s voice.
The little girl finally paused long enough to ask, “When are you coming home?”
Soon. Claire wanted to say soon. She wouldn’t lie, though.
“I don’t know, baby. I have some work to do. I wish I could be with you right now, but I can’t.”
“I don’t like you to be gone.” Mia’s excitement had flipped to a full-blown pout.
“I don’t like it, either.” She pulled in a breath, knowing the call had to come to an end soon. “I want you to remember that I love you. I love you so much.”
“I love you, too, Momma.”
A background voice melded with Mia’s. “Time’s up,” Gretchen said.
“’Bye!”
“’Bye, Mia.”
The line disconnected. Claire sat utterly still, trying to freeze time, trying to remember the sound of her daughter’s voice, of every word that was spoken. She clenched the silent phone, trying to pull the moment back.
She had to choke down a sob when reality sank in. The call was over. The tenuous connection to her daughter had ended for now. Speaking with her had been pure j
oy but the silence left a vast cavern of sorrow in its wake.
“I’m sorry.” Alex had moved so he was kneeling in front of her. His hands rested on her knees. “Was that a bad idea? Did it make missing her worse? I didn’t want to make it harder for you.”
“You didn’t.” She knew she wasn’t alone in her heartache. Alex didn’t even try to hide that hearing his daughter for the first time tore at his heart. “I’m sure that couldn’t have been easy for you.”
His lips quirked up in a sad smile. “It wasn’t but I’m glad you put her on speakerphone. I wouldn’t have wanted to miss that for anything.”
Claire refused to let herself cry. Too many tears had been shed already. “I want to get my life back,” she said, her tone fierce.
“You will,” Alex assured her. “Once this is over, you’re going to have the life you always wanted.”
He hesitated, and Claire sensed he had more to say. She tilted her head to the side and waited him out. She was hit by a wave of disappointment when he gave her knee a squeeze, rose to his feet and let the conversation fade away.
* * *
Alex tucked the edge of the blanket into the couch, tossed his pillow onto it then dropped into a chair on the other side of the room. He was far too wired to sleep. He braced his elbows on his knees, placed his face in his hands and let out a frustrated breath.
Hearing his daughter’s voice for the first time had hit him in a way he hadn’t been prepared for. Until that moment the thought of having a daughter had seemed abstract, still so very hard to grasp. But once he’d heard her voice, it was as if her little fingers had wrapped themselves around his heart.
Claire had agreed to let him be a part of Mia’s life. But how much of a part? Would it be enough? Would anything other than being a full-time father suffice? He didn’t think it would. As he sat there, his mind spinning, he realized he wanted so much more than that. He wished he could go back in time, make things right. He wished they could be a happy family.
He didn’t see that happening. Not now. Claire had shied away from his kiss. Had ducked out from his embrace. Sometimes he thought she looked at him as if her feelings mirrored his growing attraction. But then she’d hit him with a dose of reality. She’d pull away from him, reminding him that he had no right to her and she no longer had an interest in him.
“Alex?”
He snapped his head up, surprised to see Claire standing in the doorway. The sight of her sent the familiar sense of longing coursing through him. She was so beautiful. Not just on the outside. Claire was the strongest, most caring woman he’d ever met. Leaving her had been the worst decision he’d ever made. He hated thinking of the time when he’d have to leave her again.
She tugged her cardigan around her waist and said, “I was going to get a glass of water. I saw you sitting there. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” he said automatically.
She wandered into the living room, gingerly settling onto the only other chair in the room. “Are you sure?” she pressed.
He nodded then sighed. “Maybe. Maybe not. I was thinking of Mia.”
She nodded, silently encouraging him to go on.
“I don’t think I can settle for being a part-time dad. I have a lot of years to make up for. I missed out on so much. I’m not willing to miss out on anything more.”
Claire’s expression became guarded. “What are you saying? Are you asking for joint custody? I don’t think that’s a good idea. Raising a child is an extraordinary commitment. Commitment is not exactly your strong suit.”
He winced, knowing he probably deserved it, but the words still stung.
“I’m not the person I used to be Claire. Things happened, things you aren’t aware of. I’ve changed. I’ve got my priorities straight now.”
She was silent for a long while, mulling over what he’d said. Finally her expression softened. “You do seem different. More like your old self, the way you were when we first met,” she said. “Tell me what happened.”
“I was attacked. Stabbed,” he said, absently placing his hand on his abdomen.
“‘Stabbed’?” Claire echoed, eyes widening in shock. “How badly were you hurt?”
Alex hesitated then plunged ahead, knowing Claire deserved the truth. “Pretty badly. I lost a lot of blood. I almost didn’t pull through.”
She let her gaze fall to the floor, unable to look him in the eye. “How did it happen?”
He thought of the gang that had gotten the jump on him in an alley. He’d gotten separated from his team and it had taken them precious minutes to catch up to him. “A rescue attempt got a little rocky.”
“Rocky? Is that how you would describe it?” She blinked quickly, as if trying to stave off tears. “You almost died.”
“Hey, it happened a couple years ago,” he said gently. “I’m fine.”
“You admitted you almost weren’t.” Her voice was raspy and it tore at his heart. “It sounds as if you’re fortunate to be alive.”
“I told you,” he said, “God heard your prayers. You asked Him to keep me safe. He did. I pulled through.”
“I hate that you’re so reckless with your life.” She shook her head. “I know you blamed yourself for the lives that were lost in the bombing but being careless with your life isn’t going to bring the others back.”
“I know.”
Claire had told him this so many times before. In the past, he’d heard her words but he hadn’t accepted their truth.
“I think it’s time we had a little talk.” He dragged a hand through his hair, taking a moment to pull his thoughts together. “The injury changed my life in a lot of ways.”
He knew Claire was listening, even though she wasn’t looking at him. Her hands were folded firmly in her lap. She was so tightly wound she looked like she could fly to pieces at the slightest provocation. The scar he now bore symbolized her worst fear.
“When I came out of surgery, a chaplain came to see me,” he began. “He asked me who he could call. You know what my answer was?”
She lifted her eyes to his.
“No one,” Alex replied. “I had no one for him to call.”
“You could have called me,” Claire said. “I would’ve been there for you.”
“I know.” She would’ve, he knew, because that was the sort of person she was. Kind, caring, generous to a fault. “But it would’ve been unfair of me to ask. He visited with me on and off the next few days. He talked to me about God’s forgiveness, His mercy. His unending love. When I was released from the hospital I was put on leave. I spent more time at my apartment than I have before or since. During that time, I did a lot of soul searching. A lot of Bible reading. The chaplain had visited me every day until I was sent home. He opened my eyes to the irony of what I was doing. It didn’t happen overnight, but eventually I realized how backward I had everything. I work so hard to reunite families. I work with people who would give anything to get back family members who have been taken from them. But me? I walked away from you, the person who was the most important to me.”
Claire’s voice wobbled when she said, “I still don’t understand why you thought you had to leave.”
How did he explain it to her when he didn’t entirely understand it himself? There wasn’t just one reason. It was a culmination of everything going on in his head, in his life, at the time. He knew he had to try. He owed her at least that.
He didn’t like to think about those dark days, but he had to go back to that time, to that place in his mind. It was the only way he could adequately explain his actions to Claire.
“After I left the military, I was so angry about what happened. I felt so much guilt. I blamed myself, thinking there had to have been something that I should’ve done differently,” he began. “Memories of the bombing of the school consumed me. I’d seen death before, but not of that magnitude. I
was on lookout, far enough away that I wasn’t injured by the explosion. But I saw the aftermath.” A suicide bomber had entered the building. One of the teachers that Alex and his team were familiar with, someone they had thought was safe. They’d been wrong. And innocent lives had paid the price. “I felt worthless. I felt unworthy of being alive. I felt unworthy of you.”
“You were never unworthy of me,” she said firmly. “That doesn’t make sense.”
“Not much about death and war does make sense,” he argued. “I don’t know how to explain it other than to say that I was in a real dark place in my life. I didn’t know God the way I do now. You tried so hard to be understanding, to be patient, and that just made it worse.”
She leaned forward, tears glistening in her eyes. “How? How did I make things worse?”
“I felt so undeserving of you. I felt like such a failure.” He got up and began to pace. “You were this bright light, but I knew you were becoming frustrated with me. Not that I blame you. I was withdrawn, angry—”
“And hurting,” Claire said. “You were hurting.”
He nodded. “Yes. I was. I was also reckless, just as you said. I think I felt so much guilt over being alive when so many others had died, that I figured if I didn’t make it out of my next assignment, I was only getting what I deserved. But you? You deserved so much better than what I could give you.”
“Do you still think you did the right thing?”
He blew out a weary sigh. “I honestly don’t know how to answer that. I think—given the emotional state I was in—if I’d stayed, our relationship would’ve continued to crumble. You might have ended up resenting me.” She looked as if she were about to argue so he quickly pushed ahead. “What I can say is that I am truly sorry for leaving the way I did. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for leaving you alone. I’m sorry for not being there for Mia.”
“I was always afraid for you,” Claire said. “When you came back from Afghanistan, you were so different. You shut down and you completely shut me out.”
Alex thought Mason was right. God had led him back to Claire for a reason. She needed the honesty he hadn’t been able to give her before.
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