And now she was leaving too.
Why did everyone leave?
Sobs wracked my body as Grandma hugged me with all the strength she had — it wasn’t much, and I knew the time was close, the doctor said her heart was too weak after the last attack.
“Zane, look at your grandma, right now, young man,” she ordered in her strict voice.
My lips trembled as hiccups escaped between them. “Y-yes, Grandma.”
“That’s my boy.” She nodded, then reached behind her and pulled out a bag of marshmallows. “I’ll always be in your heart… but sometimes, we need reminders of the happier things, yes?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
She dumped a handful of marshmallows into my hand then a handful into hers and knocked fists with me. “Even when I’m gone, we’ll always have the marshmallows, and every time you’re sad, or afraid, or nervous, you eat a marshmallow and know your grandma is eating one with you — in heaven.”
“They have marshmallows in heaven?” I asked, relieved she wouldn’t be without one of my favorite foods. She’d claimed it was the only way to get me to be a big boy and learn how to use the bathroom. A marshmallow trail to the toilet with a few colored ones dropped in.
“Of course they do!” She laughed and then started coughing. “Now, let’s eat some marshmallows, and when we’re done, I might just let you sing me a song.”
“I love eating marshmallows with you, Grandma.”
“And I love your voice, little Zane.”
We each ate a marshmallow, and then I started singing the lullaby All Through The Night.
I sang the last line and kissed her cheek, just as her eyes opened, she whispered, “Love you, my boy.”
And ten marshmallows fell to the floor.
* * *
I was in the house, pacing, eating marshmallows like my life depended on it, waiting for the calm to settle over me, only realizing it wasn’t.
There was no calm.
Holy shit, I’d finally snapped.
And brought Fallon down with me.
I didn’t want to face her.
I refused to see her again.
Because she’d seen me at my worst.
And my worst was ugly.
So ugly.
Pain swirled in my chest, pounded a rhythm along my ribs, a daunting, hopeless rhythm, that I just wished — God save me, I wished it would stop.
“I threatened to sue her,” Jay whispered taking a seat next to me on the couch. “And I may have said something about losing her house.”
I grunted. “That’s excessive.”
“Is it?” Jaymeson’s voice rose an octave. “To want to protect you from yourself? Protect the media from the truth?”
“Hah, the truth.” I smashed a marshmallow between my fingers and popped it into my mouth. “The truth is, Zane Andrews is crazy. There I said it. Elephant gone.”
“You’re not crazy.” Demetri wandered into the room, I really didn’t remember inviting him, but whatever. Had the whole world witnessed my shame? Yeah, pretty much.
She did.
The one girl I would have kept it from.
Maybe it was better that way. We were better apart.
I was getting too comfortable.
I was holding her hand in public because I liked her, for God’s sakes!
“Now Jay? Jay may be crazy. I mean England over here just threatened a poor girl with glasses who looked ready to puke because she was so worried you were about two seconds away from dying.”
My head jerked to attention. “She thought I was dying?”
“You looked like you were dying.” Lincoln joined in from the kitchen tossing me a water bottle. “Drink up.”
“Why are you guys here?”
“She called.” Jay gave me a serious look. “While you were having an epic anxiety attack over marshmallows, she called, and we were just coming back here to take a break and go over some of the songs for the soundtrack when the call came in. You’re lucky. Lucky she called me, but lucky that we were here too. Alec and Demetri’s bodyguards just flew in since we’ve been having issues on set with fans…”
I sighed. Refusing to make eye contact with any of them. “Well, thanks.”
“At the risk of getting cussed out or potentially punched,” Demetri offered. “I think you need to talk to someone, Zane.”
“Who the hell do you think you are?” I roared, jumping to my feet.
Jay slammed his arm between me and an approaching and very pissed Demetri.
“No.” He shoved Jay away. “Stop babying him. You want the truth?” Demetri snarled. “You’re acting like a spoiled jackass! Hell, my niece has better manners than you do when she’s throwing tantrums. Granted, all she wants is a tit full of milk but hell, you’re a freaking mess, man, and that’s me sugarcoating as much shit as I can.” He shook his blond head. “You need to talk to someone about the anxiety attacks. Because if you don’t, it’s just going to build until you end up a true hermit, afraid of your own shadow. At least listen to your friends, the people that care about you. Hell, listen to Mama Jay.”
Jaymeson flipped him off.
“You know if England starts yelling at innocent nineteen-year-old girls with a heart of gold in order to protect your ass, something is seriously, seriously wrong.”
“Is she okay?” I backed down, my shoulders slumping with shame. “I didn’t mean to—”
“Like hell. You knew exactly what you were doing.” Demetri rolled his eyes. “You were pushing her away, doing the whole, look I’m a monster, you’re better off without me.”
“He’s scary accurate in his assessments of human nature,” Lincoln muttered under his breath.
I smirked and nodded my head in agreement.
“So…” Jay stood. “Maybe we both apologize to the girl you like?”
“It’s not like that,” I said quickly.
You could have heard a damn pin drop in that room.
I stared blankly at every face, hoping that my body language gave no hints to my true feelings. “Guys, seriously. She doesn’t fawn all over me, won’t even take my picture which is weird, now that I think about it, and I’m paying her to basically hang out with me during the day so I can write outside of the house… I feel stifled inside, but am terrified to go outside, ergo, Fallon.”
“Does she know that?” Lincoln piped up. “Because the concern I saw on her pretty little face was anything but platonic.”
“Don’t call her pretty,” I shot back.
Lincoln held up his hands. “Why do I suddenly feel the need to cover my junk? Am I seriously not allowed to notice that she’s pretty?”
“Gorgeous eyes.” Demetri nodded.
“Really cute body too.” Jay spread his arms wide and grinned.
“You guys are complete assholes,” I muttered.
Lincoln shrugged. “All I’m saying is that, what’s the pretty girl going to do when she finds out you’ve been using her to get your musical orgasm on? You gonna leave her high and dry and return to your marshmallow-addicted lifestyle? Is that how this works?”
I groaned. “You make it sound worse than it is. It’s not like I’m sleeping with her.”
“But you’ve kissed her,” Jay pointed out.
“How do you even KNOW that?” I yelled.
“AH HAH!” Demetri raised his hand for a high-five from Jay. “Good one, brother, good one.”
“Hell,” I declared as my shoulders slumped. “I walked right into that one.”
“Kissing…” Lincoln peeled back some of the paper on his water bottle. “Is sometimes a lot more intimate than sex.”
Jay gave him a face. “Please don’t use that word in my presence. I’m fully aware of what goes on behind closed doors between you and my little sister.”
Lincoln grinned shamelessly. He’s lucky Jay hasn’t run him over with his car yet.
“I highly doubt there will be any more kissing in the future,” I admitted, talking over them. “Sin
ce I yelled at her after she rescued me.”
“Aw, you’re like the damsel in distress.” Demetri winked.
“Please don’t use the word damsel and then wink at me ever again.” I wagged my finger at him. “Ever. Again.”
He held up his hands in innocence, still smirking.
I looked around the living room. “Wait, you said you were all here, where’s Alec?”
Demetri yawned.
Jaymeson stared at his hands.
And Lincoln took a giant swig of water.
“Guys…”
“Oh.” Demetri pointed back at the door. “He texted about five minutes ago that he found Fallon crying in her car. It wouldn’t start, so he drove her home.”
Air whooshed out of my lungs like someone had just sucker punched me in the gut. “She was crying?”
“Well, look at it this way, she just had two of the biggest celebrities on the planet yell at her, while one threatened to sue her, yeah, I’d probably cry too.” Demetri said in a low voice. “But only if birds are involved.”
“Huh?” I blinked. “What is with you and avian creatures?”
“Give them a fancy name all you want.” Demetri shuddered. “A bird is still a bird. And a bird will always be the spawn of Satan.”
“Alright then.” Lincoln jumped to his feet. “Not to change the subject, but we need to go over soundtrack songs, and now that Zane has eaten his weight in marshmallows…”
“But,” I said, frowning. “I should talk to Fallon.”
The guys all started laughing in unison.
“Hah!” Demetri slapped his leg then sobered. “Oh hell guys, he’s serious.”
“Of course I’m serious!” I roared.
“Sit.” Lincoln shoved me onto the couch. “Texting her isn’t enough, calls will be sent to voice mail. Let Alec talk to her first, go visit her after she’s cooled off.”
I didn’t want to wait.
I wanted to run after her and apologize.
But the guys, all of them, were either married or in committed relationships, and I’d never had that, never done that.
Which begged the question — when did I start thinking of her as more than a friend?
Fallon
If two weeks ago anyone would have told me that lead singer of AD2, Alec Daniels, was going to be driving me to my house. I would have laughed in their face then stuttered out a jumble of words that made no sense.
But I was too angry to even speak.
So I stared at the really nice dashboard and wondered how many cows had to die to make all that leather.
The seats were comfortable.
And I was immediately set at ease when my feet kicked at a pack of size two diapers.
He may be a rockstar, but he wasn’t a bachelor, as if I needed further proof, a huge car seat took up half of the space in the back, complete with one of those mommy mirrors and enough toys hanging from the handle that the poor child probably experienced sensory overload every single car ride.
“So,” Alec tapped his lean fingers against the steering wheel, the beat in the background was unmistakable, Gabe Hyde, another huge music name who’d gone on tour with AD2. I needed to blot that out of my memory if I was ever going to find my voice.
Last summer I’d gone to their concert, mainly because Mags wouldn’t let me say no.
But still.
I had been at their sold-out concert in Portland.
And now, I was in his car.
What was this life?
“Fallon?” Alec’s voice was deep, with a touch of rasp that was ever present in every perfect lyric that fell from his mouth. “You’re going to have to use words, sweetheart.”
“S-sorry.” I whispered. “I’m…pr-processing.”
“I bet.” His smile was tight. We pulled up to the stoplight, he turned down the music and glanced at me out of the corner of his blue eyes. “He didn’t mean it you know, all the yelling.”
“Oh,” My throat managed tight enough to hinder proper breathing. “I think he did.”
“Zane is…” Alec swore. “He’s…”
“Complicated?” I offered.
“That…” Alec nodded then hit the accelerator when the light flashed green. “But, there’s so much more to him, to any of us really. When you live in the spotlight, when every movement is on display for the world to see, it sucks ass. You do something right, and people love you. You have one bad day, and they despise you, the crowds turn on you and even your own agent gets angry because suddenly you aren’t booking sold-out shows, hell you aren’t even booking shows. And then, of course, the cycle continues once you do something else crazy, only to repeat the process again.” He shuddered. “It’s demeaning, demoralizing… but it’s also addictive, this lifestyle, the way people worship you.”
I gulped. “I c-can’t imagine. I really can’t. Even if I tried. I’d f-fall short.” Get it together, Fallon. I focused on breathing so my words would come out normal.
“And I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Hell, my poor wife. I even think about my little girl, and I get so sick I want to puke. This is the life I chose, but what about them? The people I love and care for?” He shrugged. “I’m not trying to justify what happened, or what he said, I just want you to try to understand that as much as people say celebrities are just like you.” He licked his lips and smirked. “We’re not. We won’t ever be normal.”
His admission was shocking.
And yet, honest.
Raw.
The rift between me and Zane had never been so evident, or so depressing.
“I didn’t mean for that to sound arrogant.” His low voice interrupted my thoughts. “Just necessary.”
“It’s not.” I frowned. “In fact, I was just thinking that it was… very trusting of you.”
His smile widened. “You’re a logical girl, aren’t you Fallon?”
I nodded. “Zane doesn’t call me four eyes because I won Miss Seaside. I’d like to think I’m more brain than beauty.”
“He calls you four eyes?” Alec was incredulous. “To your face?”
“Yeah?”
“Huh.” His lips pressed together as though he was trying to keep himself from laughing. “I’ll be damned.”
“Am I missing something?”
“All brains you say?” He said in a teasing tone and then huffed out. “You never did give me your address then again I didn’t ask. I want to hear all the gory details before I drop you off.”
“Oh.” I felt my face heat. “I’m sorry. Here you are trying to entertain me while I mope and—”
“You have reason to mope.”
“I don’t like it though.” In fact, I felt dirty like I needed a shower, I never wanted to be the type of girl to get so upset over a guy that she sobs herself to sleep and then eats an entire quart of ice cream. I would like to think I wasn’t like that, but clearly, I didn’t know myself very well because it sounded good and easy, to go home and pout instead of text Zane and tell him to man up.
Which just further made me wonder if I was that bossy in every area of my life. Oh no. I really was my grandma.
She ingrained in me to be a strong woman.
And now I was bossing around a stranger. Fantastic.
I fired off my address, but when Alec stopped in front of my house, he held out his hand. “Wait.”
“What?”
“He ran out of marshmallows.”
“Right.” I said slowly. “And then freaked out.”
“Because of the marshmallows?”
I frowned. “Well, yeah I mean he said he didn’t have any marshmallows.”
Alec sighed. “Think about it, Fallon.”
I was. I just didn’t get his point.
Alec looked heavenward. “Oh hell, if this ever gets out I’ll deny it.”
“What?”
“I used to be terrified of singing in front of people. My comfort, of course, was being with my brother and just chilling together at home. So, my agent br
ought my home with me. He took a picture of me and Demetri playing guitar then glued it onto this felt fabric. He basically ordered me to keep it in my pocket, which, if you’ve ever seen how tight our jeans are, was ridiculously hard to begin with.” He chuckled. “But something about feeling the fabric between my fingers and knowing that I could go home when we were done, it calmed me down and I got over my fear.”
My brain started slowly connecting the dots. “So,” My eyes narrowed. “You’re saying that marshmallows are like his picture?”
“I didn’t say it was sane.” He shrugged. “And I probably don’t know him well enough to say I’m a hundred percent sure, but I’m going to assume that the issue wasn’t the fact that he’s obsessed with marshmallows and more that he uses them as a comfort.”
My jaw dropped open.
Alec chuckled. “Wow, it feels so good to be the smartest guy in the SUV.”
I rolled my eyes and unbuckled my seatbelt. “Thanks for the ride and… the talk…” I stopped and glanced at the backseat. “You’re going to be an awesome dad, you know that?”
His grin was huge. “You think so?”
“Little girl, right?” I pointed to the pink blanket near the carrier.
“Yeah.” Pride oozed from every pore on him.
I nodded. “She’s lucky to have you.”
“Thanks…” Alec tipped his head toward me then started the engine. “And Fallon?”
I turned around.
“He’s lucky to have you too. Not many friends would have done what you did.”
“Friends.” I repeated, hating the word all over again. I had no business hating that word. “Thanks.”
“Anytime.” He drove off and left me staring at the road as cars passed by.
And things returned to normal.
Like I hadn’t been spending the past few days with Zane Andrews.
Like I didn’t just get yelled at by Jamie Jaymeson.
Like Alec Daniels hadn’t just driven me home.
The world didn’t stop and take notice.
Which gave me hope that they wouldn’t notice the meltdown at the beach or my involvement in it.
I slowly trudged to my house and opened the door. Mom was putting dishes away. I slammed the door behind me, tears welling in my eyes.
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