He’ll curl the hair around my ear, and his thumb runs along my earlobe. My skin felt the shock the first time he did that; it seemed to shiver on its own. He would get all the strands away from my face, his breath would change, and I inhaled as he exhaled the word perfect once they were properly placed on my face. Sometimes his hands will linger on my shoulders before he pulls them away and shoves them in his pockets. One day, I want to tell him thank you. One day.
Caleb comes back into the van, and Cassius hands the glasses back to me.
“Pictures are mailed.” Caleb sounds giddy almost.
Cassius shakes his head. “Those aren’t for me, right?”
“No, they’re for Clayton. I had an exceptional shit this morning, and I couldn’t help taking a few eight by ten glossies.”
“You’ve got real issues, Caleb. No one wants to see your shit.” Cassius pulls a nasty grimace across his face; even my nose wrinkles up.
“Well, when you shit as good as I do, you’ll be sending pictures.”
“Do you have another juice box?” Cassius asks.
“You know I keep this van stocked.” Caleb reaches underneath the seat and hands him one.
Cassius takes the straw out of the package, plunges the straw inside the carton, and hands it to me before he asks for another one.
I sip it slowly while Cassius sucks it back in a swallow.
Entering the house, Luna Grace is there with Dee at the table coloring.
“Where were you guys?” Luna Grace asks as she gets up from the table.
“I missed you.” Dee’s lips are already pushed out for a kiss from her dad. He gives her a kiss and asks how her morning was.
“Treajure, sit by me. Watch me.” I sit with her in the middle of her dad and me. I can’t help leaning my nose in and smelling the pup. A few strands have fallen in her eyes, and I smooth them down so they’re out of her way. Rubbing her back, my hand accidentally brushes over Cassius, and he pauses and gives a small grunt in the back of his throat before moving his hand away from mine. He picks up a crayon and begins to draw a picture in the corner of the page she’s working on.
“Mom, I’m going out of town this weekend.” Cassius doesn’t look up as he tells his mother this. He’s working intently on the picture he’s drawing as his daughter is trying to stay in the lines of what she’s coloring. Cassius made all their coloring books, and now he sells them online as well.
“Where are you going?”
“Caleb’s going to watch them for me.”
“Where are you guys going?”
“Guys?” Cassius looks a little confused.
“You and Treajure?”
“What…no. I’m going alone.”
“Where are you going all alone?” The Luna stops everything she’s doing to turn toward Cassius.
“I need to get away for the weekend.” He won’t make eye contact with his mother. He draws with total concentration.
“Mom, I need your help.” Caleb winks at Cassius when his head raises up.
“What, Caleb?” There is suspicion in her voice.
“Clayton’s looking for a Beta. Could you put out some feelers, see if there are any takers, something?”
The crayon in Cassius’s hand snaps, and Dee jumps slightly, looking confused. I can even feel the tension coming from between Cassius’s shoulder blades as he stiffens up.
“Yes, I could make a few phone calls. I’ll ask my sister to put her feelers out, too.” She walks by Cassius and kisses him on the top of his head before looking out the window.
“I’m not sure how much luck we will have. No Beta will want to leave their pack willingly to go to Clayton’s. The Beta he gets will be troubled. He’s not wanted in his pack for one reason or another. Are you sure Clayton understands what he might be getting?” Luna Grace’s words warn while she turns from the window to access Caleb.
“And Clayton’s not troubled? I guess they will be a perfect match.” Caleb walks over to his mother and puts his arm over her shoulder and gives her a side hug. She looks up at him and shakes her head.
“Thanks, Mom.” He bends to rest his cheek against the top of her head.
“You want to go check on Mrs. Oink?” Cassius asks Dee, and she’s already running to get her boots on. It rained three days ago, but she needs them to not get dirty. When he brought home their rain boots, both Ken and Dee wouldn’t take them off, and Cassius got the hose out so they would have puddles to splash in that afternoon. He even brought me a pair that day so I could splash with them. He laughed at us playing in the water as he sat against the tree with his sketch book. When I went to bed that night, I didn’t let the smile slip off my face when I scooted underneath the wood frame after Cassius asked me, “Do you need anything, Treajure?”
“Specs, you coming?” Dee’s small hand stretches out to mine before she goes outside. When I look up at Cassius, he nods his head that it’s all right to come. I don’t want to intrude on their times, but the way she’s smiling, I don’t want to say no, so I get up, put on my matching boots, and walk outside with them to the farm.
Cassius is humming a song under his breath.
Letter 10
Cash,
You tried to kiss me last night. You were so close, then what happened? You pulled away, turned away, walked away.
I would have let you kiss me. A real kiss—is that what you were going to do? Give me some kind of romantic kiss? I was waiting for it. You couldn’t deliver.
Remember the first time you kissed me? I bit your lip, and you bit me right back. We both were left blood-smeared. I’ve never been handled that way, so rough and uncaring. Then again, I’ve never handled anyone as rough as I handled you. I’ve never been so terrified of someone before. You terrified me, and I can see how I terrified you.
You caught me hiding on the island. You hunted me like some kind of animal. I’m not an animal. I’m not anything you accused me of being that day. You were so angry, Cash. So very very angry, and I wanted you to become enraged. I wanted you to be the monster I was accusing you of being. I know I brought you over the edge when I pointed to the spot where I lost my virtue to Clayton. I wanted you to go there so I could say you’re pathetic, I could say you are everything I accused you of. So I told you how good it was to have an Alpha between my legs; I told you that you couldn’t compare to him. You could never be him and that I will never forget this spot. You could do anything you wanted to me, but I would never forget that spot. I would never forget Clayton. I told you that when you kissed me, it would be Clayton I will pretend to kiss. When you fuck me, I would be fucking Clayton, never you. You got so quiet, didn’t you? So fucking quiet that I knew I pushed you over the edge and I was happy I did it.
I could feel your rage, and I loved it. I was so happy when you pulled me into your arms and tried to kiss Clayton out of me. I bit you so hard, and I told you that the only way to get me is to force yourself on me. That you are a weak little wolf who even a mate doesn’t want to fuck. I laughed at you and told you only weak wolves force themselves on weaker wolves.
I watched how you lost your balance. You sat down on a log with mushrooms growing from the decaying trunk. You were a massive dick, and I was a massive cunt. I’m just saying the truth of how it was in the beginning for both of us. I know you’ll agree with that.
You couldn’t get up, so I ran as fast as I could and remembered being so tired when I tried to swim to shore. I was so tired, and when I started going underwater, it felt peaceful when I did slip lower and lower without the noise, without the fear; everything was calming once I let go of the fear of dying. I chose death than to be without Clayton, but you had to come and rescue me, you had to take that peace away, and I was such a bitch to you after that.
I could get underneath your skin, couldn’t I? All I had to do is mention something and you’d balance on that edge. Swaying.
Back then I hated you so much, but I hated Rya so much more. I fucking hated her for coming back, for being some
kind of fucking miracle that everyone felt sorry for. There was nothing I could do about Rya, but I could hurt you. I could hurt you so I could feel better.
I won’t lie, fighting Rya that day felt so fucking good. She threw bread at me, and I almost laughed out loud. Bread. Of all the things she could have thrown and she picked bread. She might have got me good a few times, but I was kicking her ass. If we weren’t split apart, I would have killed her that day. I would have, and I don’t think I would have even felt bad about it. Would I regret it? Fuck no. The look Dallas gave me was intense. You stepped in front of that look. He hates me. I can see it in his eyes. He hates me. I think he’s a fucking dick for fucking with Rya in the first place.
It drove Clayton insane when he finally figured it out between Dallas and Rya. I mean, we ate at Dallas’s table and he ate at ours. We shared meals together. It pushed Clayton away from me, knowing that his mate had some wolf sniffing around her. We argued a lot. He even suggested that we break up. The bond was too much to fight anymore. He didn’t want to hurt me; he didn’t want to cheat on me or feel like he was cheating on me because he couldn’t stop the way his entire nature wanted to be with Rya.
We started having the talk underneath an apple tree. I bought him that tree. Can you believe that? He always loved his garden, even as a little pup. It started off with Clayton needing to talk to me. He wanted to be truthful. No lies. He put his hands on my shoulders, and I don’t know if he was trying to steady me or me steadying him. He told me that he and Dallas had a fight and that he can’t stay away from Rya. He can’t fight the bond anymore. We had to break up, not because he doesn’t love me, but because he loves me and respects me enough to understand that there was no more future with me anymore. Not when he couldn’t get Rya out of his mind, out of his dreams. It was like she started to infect him and the only cure was her. My cure for him was to kill Rya. It was the only way. He could be free of the bond; his Wild would be free to love someone else.
Cash, I’m that monster. I am a monster. I started to tell Clayton that we could get through this, that we could overcome anything together, and he told me I didn’t understand the pull of the bond. So I switched directions and asked him how is Rya going to love you after everything you’ve done to her? Now that question comes back to me. How can you try to love me after everything I’ve done to you?
Kennedy
Chapter 11
Lingers on the Edge of Change
The sky looks light grey, or maybe it’s blue…I’m not sure, but I wave good-bye with the twins as we watch Cassius pull out of the driveway early Friday morning. He couldn’t sleep last night, and neither could I. He tossed, I turned. I heard every shift of the mattress above me, every huff of breath. I heard him get up a few times to get a glass of water then back to bed. I couldn’t even look at him this morning, no matter how hard he tried to make me look at him. He packed his bags and I’ve packed mine.
At the beginning of the week when the twins were asleep, he remained hunched over his computer, searching, tracking this Hazel until he closed the screen down with victory spread across his face. “I got her, Specs,” he said to me. I couldn’t smile like he was.
He went shopping by himself, and when he came home, he gave Ken and Dee some new pajamas for their sleepover they were going to have with Uncle Caleb this weekend. He even bought me the match to Dee’s pajamas—she likes it when we match. I couldn’t resist peeking in the closet. My heart dropped when I unzipped the bag with a brand new suit inside it. He even bought new shoes and something to make him smell good. I’ve never seen Cassius wear a suit, ever. I went to bed before him that night. I slid under the bed and told myself I shouldn’t be underneath here anymore. It’s not right for him or for me. This was just a big game of pretending.
If it’s time for him to change, maybe it’s time I should, too. I’m not his wish. I was never his wish like he was mine.
Last night, he packed his bag, and I took out my earrings. They were only in there for him, and I have to stop making up stories that he’ll notice them on me. He won’t. So I put them back into the soft velvet case they came in. My weekend bag is packed, and a part of me wants to take all my belongings out of my room and bring them to Caleb’s house. I don’t because Belac is coming back, and they don’t need me in their space when she finally comes back.
“Treajure, that’s a lot of bags for a weekend.” Caleb picks up the two backpacks with worry spelled in the furrows between his eyebrows.
“You plan on staying for a while?” I shake my head no to him.
Luna Grace looks at my ears and stops everything she’s doing.
“Where did Cash go, Caleb?” Luna Grace asks very clearly.
“I’m not too sure. He said he needed to get away.” He gives an unclear answer. Caleb backs up because Luna Grace leans in on him.
“Where did your brother go?”
“He went to Vegas to meet up with Hazel.” Caleb can’t keep anything private. A little muscle and he squeals as if he’s been shanked with hot silver.
“He went to Vegas to meet Hazel?” Luna Grace takes a step back, concerned now.
“It was something he said he had to do.”
“What did he have to do?” Luna Grace steps into Caleb’s space and backs him against the wall. He can’t escape.
“I don’t know, Mom. What do you think he went to do in Vegas with Hazel?”
Luna Grace takes a big breath, looks up at the ceiling, lets the air out slowly, and pauses to regard me.
“Is that why you’re not wearing your earrings anymore, Treajure? You’re upset he went to Vegas to meet Hazel?”
It’s impossible to answer her the way I want to. I want to say that I have to change. I have to change, and I can’t keep pretending that Cassius is mine. He’s not. He never was, and now I think it’s best to put away those earrings that were bought on a whim and a wish. I really thought he would notice me wearing them. All he did was faintly grunt in his throat and look up at the ceiling as if searching for something. I have to stop pretending. I have to try to sleep in my own bed. It would be weird sleeping underneath his bed if he brings Hazel back here. I couldn’t handle it if I saw them kiss or if the kids started to love her. It would kill me slowly to see her give him the things I could never, like sleeping on a bed with him or answering a question he asks. Hazel is beautiful, and so was Kennedy. He has tastes that I can’t fulfill for him. I’m not blind; I know what I look like. It’s just Cassius made me feel important. Beautiful even. He made me feel like a full-grown female. At times I even felt I had breasts because I caught him a few times letting his eyes drop lower than my mouth. I felt on fire those times, and he would be so close to me, and his voice would drop, and I would think he might kiss me. He never did.
Luna Grace curses underneath her breath. She never swears. Ever.
“Why aren’t you wearing your earrings?” She doesn’t lean into me when she asks, but my glasses still fall to the floor. She bends down to pick them up and puts them back on my face. She kisses my forehead near the hairline; I see her kiss Rya this way, and before Belac left for the Wilds, she gave her a kiss like this as well.
“Sometimes I think Cassius can’t see what’s in front of his face.”
“That’s about right,” Caleb states while going after the kids who have already hopped into the van.
“It looks like you’re changing, Treajure.” Luna Grace stops me from going out the front door.
I nod my head yes.
“You need to do what feels right for you, Treajure. You will always have a place with us even if you think this isn’t right for you.” Her voice seems choky wet.
My cheek nudges hers before a hard press that lasts a long time, with my arms wrapped around her in a hug. I don’t cling to her like I used to. Instead, I hug her and she hugs me back.
“I understand, Treajure. There’s only so much a wolf can take. I understand. I hope Cassius will, too. We can’t force wolves in the directions we wa
nt them to go. We can nudge them, we can try to guide them, but we can’t force anything they’re not ready for. I’m proud of the direction you’re going in. You’ve come a long way.” Once again, she kisses my forehead and smooths down my hair. I can feel her hand slide all the way to my lower back before she lets me go. I’m not sure, but why does this feel like some sort of goodbye?
“You’ve come a long way since I first met you.” She takes my hand in hers. “You’ve grown into a beautiful wolf. I consider you one of my own. No matter what happens, I consider you mine.” A claw comes out, and she holds my chin so I look right into her eyes.
“Maybe this is for the best. Sometimes wolves don’t understand what they have until it’s gone. He will notice…don’t think he won’t. He will notice, and don’t make it easy for him, Treajure. Make him work for what he wants, because in my heart I know he wants you.” She presses her cheek to mine once again before letting me go.
“Specs, let’s roll,” Ken hollers as the sliding door to the van shuts.
The music is not too loud, but loud enough for the twins’ ears. They are singing along to the song from one of their movies. Caleb is singing too as he backs up.
“First, who needs a juice box?”
Both of the twins raise their hands and say, “Me!”
“We are loaded up today, Treajure. Everything we need for the farm.” There is clapping, and the pups wiggle in their car seats.
“You like the farm, right?’ I nod my head because I do love the farm. I like to watch them play with their father and take care of Mrs. Oink and Mr. Bill. We all do our chores together until we run in the wildflower field and drop in the middle underneath the only tree that grows there. A big willow tree that’s dug its roots in a small pond its shade has created. We get to sit underneath the tree and have lunch that I made us. I know all their favorite foods and make sure we have lots of water so they don’t get dehydrated. It’s hard not to worry that they aren’t drinking enough. It’s some of my favorite times with them at the farm. Cassius once let me put my head on his lap when I felt so relaxed that I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I fell asleep to his fingers running through my hair as I listened to the twins chase each other through the field. When I woke up from that nap, I couldn’t believe I fell asleep out in the open like that. That never happened before. He put his sketchbook away when I lifted my cheek from his thigh. He pretended I didn’t drool all over his worn jeans. They were threadbare in the spot my skin was pressed against, and I could feel his skin against mine.
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