by Darcy Burke
It had turned purple over the last hour. “It’s probably less than I deserve. I’m so sorry about earlier,” he said. “It was entirely my fault.”
“No, it wasn’t, and don’t argue with me. If anything, it was entirely my fault. I should regret it, but I…don’t.” She removed her hand from his and turned, walking away from him before pivoting back, her hands clasped together and her shoulders tense.
She took a deep breath. “I told your uncle we’re getting married.”
For a moment, Felix couldn’t find the right response. Was there a right response? “But you refused me.”
“Yes, but then he was so smug about you and your birthright, and I just couldn’t stand there and let him steal it from you.” Her brows slashed low over her eyes, and there was a defiant tilt to her chin.
“Steal it from me? Why would you think that?”
She unclasped her hands and stepped toward him. “Because he is! He thought I had designs on you and felt it his duty to inform me you will never marry. Even after I told him we were betrothed, he said you wouldn’t go through with it.”
“But we aren’t betrothed.” He wasn’t entirely certain what she was about. “Unless you’re telling me you’ve changed your mind.”
She took another deep breath and lifted her chin. “Yes, I’ve changed my mind.”
Goddammit.
His insides twisted anew, and he fought against the roil of emotion. “You weren’t wrong before. I don’t wish to marry. Nothing has changed.”
“I should hope something has changed.” She blanched. “That’s not fair. You didn’t ask for this.”
“I didn’t mean it like that,” he said, trying to put his thoughts into words. “Of course things have changed. They changed at Darent Hall, and clearly we can’t go back to the way they were.” He moved toward her, leaving just a few feet between them. “I meant that my feelings about marriage haven’t changed. But, if I am to marry anyone, I would prefer it were you.”
She stared at him a moment, and he had no idea what she was thinking. At last, she said, “Thank you?”
He smiled, the tension inside him easing again—not entirely, but a little, at least. “People marry for all sorts of reasons, and many of them don’t even end up liking each other. Just look at my aunt and uncle. We at least like each other. I should hope we will always be friends, and I would think that would make for a rather successful marriage.”
She didn’t look convinced. “As just friends?”
Friendship couldn’t begin to describe what he and Sarah shared. And right now, he had no idea how to describe it, or if he even could. “Well, a bit more than that. It seems as though we’re rather attracted to each other.”
She blushed, and he wondered if he’d ever grow tired of seeing her do that. “So it seems,” she murmured.
“So we’ll wed.” As he said the words, his body felt as if it were detaching from his brain and floating away.
“Yes.” She gave him a tentative look. “If that’s acceptable to you.”
“It is.” Barely. How was he going to do this?
Just like you do everything, as if you haven’t a care in the world. Get a hold of yourself.
“You’re uncle isn’t going to be happy,” she said.
“Probably not, but that isn’t my concern. And anyway, maybe we won’t have a son.”
Her brows ticked up, acknowledging what he said, but she didn’t say anything in response. Instead, she said, “We should tell Anthony.”
Felix’s discomfort elevated once more. Anthony would be satisfied, but Felix still worried their friendship was irrevocably damaged. No matter what he said, Anthony would never be able to forget what he’d seen or change what he believed—that Felix had exploited his sister in a time of extreme vulnerability. Did she believe that too?
“Sarah, I want you to know that I never meant to take advantage of you.”
“Of course I know that. You tried to talk me out of my foolishness. I just…” She looked away. “Perhaps I surrendered to my own feelings of loneliness.” When she returned her gaze to his, her eyes were bright with tears. “I’m sorry for putting you in this position. If you truly don’t want to marry, Anthony will come to understand.”
He wouldn’t either. Felix closed the distance between them and put his arms around her, drawing her against his chest. She rested her cheek against his coat and hugged him in return. “I’m not marrying you to save my friendship with Anthony. Though I will be honest and tell you I hope it can be saved. Right now, I’m not optimistic.”
She looked up at him. “Have faith. Anthony is just having a difficult time.”
Yes, he was, and Felix wished he could take his friend’s pain away. “Let’s go find him.”
Felix took her arm, and they went to Anthony’s chamber. After knocking twice, the door finally opened. Anthony held an empty tumbler and scowled at them.
“We’re getting married,” Sarah said.
“Good.” It was more a grunt than a word. Anthony lifted the glass to his lips and drank. Upon realizing it was empty, he frowned and lowered it. “When?”
Sarah looked at Felix. They hadn’t discussed that. “As soon as you say so,” Felix said, hoping Sarah would find that acceptable.
Anthony exhaled, and it was clear he’d been drinking for some time. Probably all afternoon. “Any time soon isn’t ideal.” He looked at them both as if they were naughty children. “A month from now should suffice.”
Felix turned to Sarah. “Do you want to wed in Ware or Harlow? Or London?”
“Ware,” Anthony said, drawing Sarah to snap her attention toward him. She nodded in agreement, and Felix was curious as to why they both seemed to prefer that. “I’m leaving for Epping in the morning.” Anthony’s lip curled. “I received word earlier that the highwaymen attacked another coach. One of them was shot and taken to the magistrate. I will see he hangs for murder.”
That had been his news, why he’d stormed into Felix’s study when the door was shut. Felix had no doubt Anthony had gone to his study to ask him to accompany him to Epping.
“I could go with you,” Felix offered, hoping their friendship wasn’t completely destroyed. He looked at Sarah. “Are you certain you wouldn’t prefer your parish? I could stop in Harlow and obtain the license.”
“I don’t need you to come,” Anthony said.
That was all the answer Felix needed—to Anthony, their friendship was dead. And Felix wasn’t sure he blamed him.
Loss stabbed through him and stole his breath. No, he wouldn’t give in to it. “Perhaps you’d consider taking Beck,” Felix suggested. “If you don’t wish to go alone.”
Anthony gave Felix a cool stare, leading Felix to believe he wasn’t as sotted as he’d assumed. “Alone doesn’t bother me. Not anymore.”
The three of them stood there in silence for a moment until Anthony finally said, “Is there anything else?”
“No, I don’t believe so.” Felix worked to make his voice sound normal despite the tightness in his throat. “Should we expect you for dinner?”
“I should think not.” Anthony let out a soft snort, then closed the door in their faces.
Felix felt Sarah tense beside him. “He just needs time to get over being angry.”
“And sad,” she said, sounding sad herself. “If he can.” She slid him a curious, almost probing look that made him a bit uncomfortable.
He turned from Anthony’s door, fighting against the sense of loss he didn’t want to feel, and desperately tried to focus on something else. Something he could manage. Something he could control.
He suggested they go down to dinner and offered her his arm. “So next month, we’ll marry in Ware?” he asked. “I can obtain the license tomorrow.”
She put her hand on his sleeve, and they started toward the stairs. “What about your family church?” Her question surprised him. “Perhaps the vicar could perform the ceremony here.”
Felix’s heart pounded s
o hard, he feared she would hear it. “You know of the church?”
“I visited it today with George.” They turned and began to descend to the ground floor. “It’s such a beautiful location.”
“I’d, ah, prefer to marry in Ware.” He never went to the church. His father had dragged him there every year until he died. Felix hadn’t gone back.
Halfway down the stairs, she nearly sent him tumbling to the base. “Your birthday is day after tomorrow. How about we have a celebration? Anthony won’t be here, but Lavinia and Beck will be. I believe they plan to stay a week more at least.”
“I don’t need a celebration. We should focus on planning for a wedding celebration.” Yes, focus on anything else.
Her forehead pleated as they reached the bottom of the staircase. “We shouldn’t really have a celebration. It’s too soon after my parents.”
He seized on the excuse, aware that it perhaps didn’t fit and not caring. “Then we definitely shouldn’t have a birthday celebration for me.”
She took her hand from his arm and turned to look at him, her brow still creased with concern. “There’s no reason we shouldn’t. Unless you’d prefer not to.”
Cornered, he took the evasion she provided. “I’d prefer not to.” It was also the truth.
“Why not? You work so hard to entertain everyone. Can’t we entertain you for once?”
Flatter. Flirt. Fend. Do whatever you must to deflect and distract. “Sarah, I should think it would be obvious that you entertain me greatly.”
Her eyes narrowed slightly. “You could do with a little self-indulgence.”
He wanted to argue with her, to shout that self-indulgence was what had thrust him into this marriage disaster. But he didn’t. Instead, he summoned a smile and took her arm once more. “Then I’ll leave it to you to tutor me.” He gave her a flirtatious smile and guided her to the dining room.
“I’ll look forward to it.” She sent him a sidelong glance. “And you will too.”
Of that, he had no doubt.
Once more, Sarah and Lavinia sat together on the settee in the drawing room following dinner. Anthony had never joined them, nor had he offered an excuse for his absence. Felix had told Beck and Lavinia about the highwayman being shot.
After that distastefulness, Sarah and Felix had shared the news of their upcoming marriage but without giving the details that had prompted it. It should have been fairly obvious—at least to Lavinia given what Sarah had told her and the ways in which Lavinia had advised her.
“Now that we’re alone, you can tell me everything,” Lavinia said as soon as they sat down and the footman left after depositing their glasses of sherry on a table. “Why on earth are you marrying Felix?”
“Isn’t the better question why on earth is Felix marrying me?” Sarah chuckled softly. It wasn’t really humorous, but what else could she do in this situation? She’d forced marriage upon a man who didn’t want it.
“Probably, but I wasn’t going to ask like that.” Lavinia scooted closer to Sarah. “You had sex, didn’t you?”
“Yes, but that alone wouldn’t have prompted a wedding. Anthony walked in.”
Lavinia’s jaw dropped. “How horrifying. For everyone.”
“We’d finished.” Sarah felt it was important to clarify that part. “Still, it was obvious what we’d been doing.”
“So Felix didn’t have an accident in the stables today?” Lavinia referred to the excuse he’d given for the bruise at dinner.
Sarah shook her head.
Lavinia snorted softly. “I don’t know why he lied. It’s not as if Beck and I wouldn’t have found out. I suspect he’s telling Beck the truth of it now. And if he doesn’t, I will. On that note, I should inform you that I told Beck about you and Felix.” She winced. “We don’t keep secrets, and I was just so happy for the both of you. I truly hoped you would find a way to marry.”
Sarah opened her mouth to speak, but Lavinia continued. “And Beck said something to Felix this morning at the pond. He wasn’t overly pleased that you’d disclosed your relationship to me.”
“I see.” But he hadn’t said anything. Then again, when would he have? “Thank you for telling me. Perhaps I should stop talking to you.”
She winced again. “I’m so sorry. If you need to tell me something in strict confidence, I promise I won’t tell Beck.”
Sarah could see that would be hard for her. “I think it’s nice that you’re both so honest with each other. That’s how a marriage should be, I think.” That was how she wanted her marriage to be with Felix. But how did you have an honest marriage when one person loved the other and didn’t tell them?
Isn’t it better to keep something from someone that they don’t want to hear?
She thought he didn’t want to hear that she loved him? Maybe.
Sarah let the confusion and worry flow out of her. “Lavinia, I don’t know what to do about this.”
“About Felix?”
“His feelings about marriage haven’t changed. He’s marrying me to please Anthony.”
“And you, I hope.”
“I said no initially. I didn’t want to force him, not when I know he doesn’t want it.” She swallowed against the pain rising in her throat. “But then I realized I want it. I want him.” She picked at a bead sewn into the skirt of her gown. “I ran into his uncle, and he was so smug about Felix and the estate, as if he were the earl and not Felix. He had the gall to tell me I shouldn’t have designs on Felix. Why would he even think that?”
“I don’t know.”
“He said it was the way I look at Felix. Do I look at him a certain way?”
“You do now, yes.” Lavinia offered her a weak smile. “Sorry. It is rather plain to me you are besotted.”
“Besotted?” Sarah jumped up and paced away from the settee before turning back and staring at Lavinia as emotion rumbled through her. “I’m not besotted.”
Oh, yes you are. You think of him constantly. You dream of him. You can’t wait until you see him next.
Sarah put her palm over her eyes and exhaled. Then she felt Lavinia touch her shoulder. Dropping her hand, Sarah gave her best friend a look of utter despair. “I love him.”
“I know.” Lavinia pulled her into a hug. They stood there like that for a moment before she asked, “Is there a chance he loves you too?”
“How would I possibly know? Have you ever seen him display an emotion beyond amusement or mild disgust? And even the latter is from something like manure blocking a path.”
“No, I have not. It’s interesting that you mention this because Beck said something to me earlier about the same thing. He commented that he and Felix both feel very deeply. I admit I scoffed.”
Sarah stepped back and briefly pressed her hands to her flushed cheeks. “I would have too. In fact, I’m scoffing now.”
“Beck explained, and I think he might be right. The difference between them is that Beck puts all his emotions into his music and his poetry. Where does Felix put his?”
After a minute, Sarah said, “Into his entertainments?”
Lavinia gave a single nod. “Or nowhere at all.”
Sarah let that seep into her brain. “His birthday is the day after tomorrow, but he doesn’t want a celebration.” She focused on Lavinia. “After everything he does for everyone else, he refuses to celebrate himself.”
“Why do you think that is?”
Sarah had her suspicions, but she wasn’t going to share them. Not with Lavinia anyway.
Thankfully, she didn’t have to respond because the gentlemen came into the drawing room. “That’s it, Felix has completely convinced me we must go to Scott’s Grotto,” Beck said.
“You don’t have to convince me,” Lavinia said, smiling and returning to the settee. “Shall we go tomorrow?”
Beck sat down beside her, and Sarah took a chair situated nearby while Felix occupied another chair. “I don’t know,” Beck said. “Felix and I were just talking about Anthony and wondere
d if we should follow him to Epping. Just in case he needs…something.”
“I don’t think that’s wise,” Sarah said. “But maybe I should go. You’re right that he shouldn’t be alone.”
“We could all go,” Lavinia suggested.
Felix nodded slowly. “I suppose we could.”
“I still don’t know.” Sarah thought of Anthony’s current state. He was still so upset about their parents, but, unlike Sarah, he hadn’t fallen in love amidst his sadness. Furthermore, he was furious with his best friend and only slightly less angry with her. Despite all that, she really did think he shouldn’t be alone. “We’d have to follow at a distance.”
“I recommend we give him an hour lead,” Beck said.
Felix stood. “I’ll arrange it. See you all in the morning.” His gaze lingered on Sarah, and then he turned and left.
A short time later, Sarah stood in her chamber ready for bed. She wasn’t the least bit tired. She was consumed with a desperate need to see and touch and talk to Felix. Why shouldn’t she go to his room? They were betrothed now.
Tightening the sash of her dressing gown, she left her chamber and strode to his room. She stopped before going in—bad things happened when people entered rooms unannounced.
She knocked and waited anxiously for a response. When none came, she lifted her hand to knock again. But the door opened.
“Sarah.” Felix looked surprised to see her. He also looked…undressed.
He wore a silk banyan and perhaps nothing else. She couldn’t tell for certain unless she stripped it off. Suddenly, her mouth was dry, and her flesh was hot all over.
She lowered her gaze to his feet. They were bare.
Snapping her attention back to his face, she had to work to remember why she’d come. “May I come in?”
He held the door open and moved aside as she crossed over the threshold.
She turned to face him. “Aren’t you going to close the door?”
He arched a brow but said nothing as he did as she asked. Once it was closed, he put his back to the door. Still, he said nothing.