“Really?” Nina took a bite of her sandwich, her understanding of Judith’s slight figure growing when she realized it was nothing more than creamy butter, watercress, and cucumber.
“I’d moved there from Iowa.” Judith laughed. “Isn’t it absurd?”
“You seem too sophisticated to be from Iowa in the 50s,” Nina said. “No offense to Iowa in the 50s.”
Judith nodded. “No, you’re quite right. It was ghastly. Small and brown except in summer when everything turned green. Even then it felt desolate to me. A place where one waited to die.”
“You wanted something else,” Nina said.
“Yes, although I didn’t know what. And in the 1950s when you wanted something else but didn’t know what that something was, you either went to New York or California.”
“What made you choose California?” Nina asked.
“Oh my dear, even then New York was for intellectuals. I didn’t want to think. I wanted to feel.”
“And did you?” Nina asked. She’d finished her first sandwich and was forcing herself to wait before inhaling the second.
Judith’s expression opened with a grin that removed twenty years from her face. “Did I!”
“What did you do there?”
“Why, everything! I lingered in Hollywood, catching glimpses of starlets and hoping I might be discovered too.”
“And you were,” Nina said.
Judith nodded slowly. “Not the way I expected, but yes. And I had such fun in the meantime. That’s something people don’t understand.”
“What’s that?” Nina asked the question before allowing herself to start on the next sandwich.
“I hear young people say it all the time — everything happens for a reason, things always work out in the end — but I don’t think they know how true it is.” Her face took on a dreamy expression. “I don’t think they understand that each thing, even the mistakes and accidents, make up the course of our life. When we look back on it all, everything makes sense, we see it all unfolded exactly as it was meant to, exactly as we wanted it to even.”
“Is that how you feel?” Nina asked. “That everything unfolded like it was meant to?”
“Of course! California was full of beautiful men at the time. I went with more than my share of them. We dressed for lunch and changed for dinner. We had our pictures taken for the newspapers. We stayed up late drinking champagne and feeling like we were the only people in the world.”
“And then you became famous,” Nina said.
“Not right away of course, and not the way I’d expected, but yes. You might say that.”
“How did it happen?”
“A gentleman approached me at a party and said he was making a calendar for soldiers still overseas. At the time the pictures he wanted to use were scandalous, like appearing in a pornographic magazine now.” Nina laughed as Judith continued. “But I was in California. I’d already left the person I thought I was behind. I did the calendar because I wanted to.”
What do you want to do Nina?
“Did you suffer any consequence?” Nina asked.
“Not immediately,” Judith said, pouring herself more tea. “No one in California cared. The calendar was a tremendous success. It led to more work, more money, more recognition. The fact that it was considered in poor taste by some didn’t affect me at all until I met Samuel.”
“What did your family in Iowa think?”
Judith waved away the question. “They had no idea what I was doing. We were in two different worlds by then.”
“But not Samuel? Surely he knew about your work,” Nina said.
“Oh yes, he knew.” Judith’s eyes sparkled. “One might even say it was one of the things that most intrigued him about me.”
Nina grinned. “I’m guessing it wasn’t the only thing.”
Judith returned her smile with a small nod. “I had no idea what to do in his world. It was so glamorous, so moneyed.”
“But you’d been around all those celebrities in Hollywood.” Nina eyed the remaining sandwiches on the coffee table.
“It wasn’t the same. Not at all. A lot of the people in California were people like me, people who came west because they didn’t fit in anywhere else. Back then wealth and celebrity didn’t negate one’s past like it does now. Most of us were no match for an East Coast blue blood like Samuel.” Judith smiled. “And please, dear, finish those sandwiches. They won’t get eaten otherwise.”
Nina laughed. “You don’t miss much, do you?”
“Not much, no.”
Nina added two more sandwiches to her plate. “I’ve always had a large appetite. I suppose it’s not very feminine.”
“Only to those who are fond of defining such words within narrow parameters,” Judith said firmly. “Lucky for you, you live an an era where those parameters are expanding.”
“Thank god. I’d be hoarding food and eating in my closet otherwise.” Nina took a bite and chewed before returning to the story. “So you fell in love with him. With Samuel.”
Judith hesitated. “In a manner of speaking.”
Nina looked more closely at her. “In what manner of speaking?”
Judith’s gaze moving to something beyond Nina’s shoulder, her eyes glazing over like she was remembering. “I was so alone in California. I had friends, of course, and plenty of men to date. But there was no one to trust. No security, no ground under my feet.”
“And Samuel gave you those things?”
“Oh, that makes him sound boring!” She laughed a little. “And he wasn’t. He was a fascinating man even then, a man who had traveled the world, who seemed to have read every book that had ever been written. He knew how to speak four languages and how to sail. He was equally at ease in a room with the riffraff as he was in a room with the President. Those things held an excitement of their own.”
“Of course.” Nina tried to formulate her next question, her real question, without offending Judith. “I guess I’m just wondering if you were madly in love when you married him, if you knew for certain that you loved him.”
Judith considered the question. “I cared for him. But I think I was more afraid of being alone than I was in love.”
Nina leaned forward. “And later? After you moved to New York and got married and became one of them?”
Judith’s smile was indulgent. “Well my dear, I quickly learned the most important truth of all.”
“Which is?”
“We’re always alone. And no one and nothing in the world can ever change it.”
20
Nina leaned her head on Jack’s shoulder and breathed in the scent of the sea, crashing against the wall that protected the ancient city of Split from the Aegean. They’d been in Croatia for nearly a week, a vacation to the Dalmatian Coast that had seemed impossible when Jack proposed it a few days after her lunch with Judith.
What would Nina do about the gallery? Who would feed Virginia?
They were silly objections. Moni could feed Virginia, and Nina hadn’t asked for more than a single day off at the gallery since she’d started more than a year ago.
But Nina had been hesitant even as Moni and the girls called her crazy and urged her to go. Only Karen seemed to understand, turning to Nina when they were finally alone and placing a hand on her arm.
“You’ll never know if you can trust yourself if you don’t try,” she’d said.
And then Nina had understood: she was afraid of getting lost.
Lost in Jack and his life and in the control his games gave him over her body.
Her life in New York was an anchor, her shifts at the gallery, conversations with Judith, and plans with her friends the only things keeping her from disappearing completely. Leaving felt like letting go of the rope that had so far prevented her from being carried out to sea on the current of her dark desire.
But Karen was right: staying because she was afraid to go was a step backward, a forfeit to the fear she’d been trying to banish when s
he’d allowed herself to start seeing Jack again.
So she’d taken the time off, paid Angela to feed Virginia with Moni’s supervision, packed a bag, boarded Jack’s plane.
Jack’s lips on her forehead pulled her back to the present. “What are you thinking about, darling? You’re so quiet.”
“I’m glad I came,” she said.
He chuckled. “I’d have done something wrong if you weren’t.”
She smiled into his shoulder. It had been a magical few days. They’d stayed at a quaint but luxurious house — his, he’d told her — perched on a cliff overlooking the water. They’d swam naked on a private beach, laid in the sun, walked the stone streets of the city while Jack recounted its history, first as a Greek colony in the second or third century and later as a Byzantine city. It had eventually become part of a struggle between Hungary and Venice before falling firmly into Venice’s hands and being surrounded by Ottoman territory.
She’d listened with fascination, remembering Judith’s words about Samuel, about how his knowledge and education had excited her. As she toured Diocletian’s Palace with Jack, he only became more attractive to her, casually recounting the site’s history as a home for the Roman emperor at the turn of the fourth century.
They made love into the early morning hours every night, Nina bound, able to only moan around the gag they’d begun using with more frequency, biting down on the soft ball in her mouth as Jack withheld her orgasm again and again while he gave into his own.
His games were aided by an assortment of toys that included crops and ticklers, vibrators and anal plugs. None of it felt like enough. She wanted more even as she didn’t know what “more” would entail.
She’d spent their time in Split in a constant state of arousal, the friction of simply walking requiring her to focus on anything but the pressure between her legs, on the verge of release every moment of every day.
They stopped at a railing and looked out over the sea, dark beyond the walkway’s lights.
“It’s so beautiful here,” Nina said. “Like time has stopped.”
He turned toward her and lifted her face, closing his mouth gently over hers. She sank into the kiss, his tongue sweeping hers with a tenderness he was only able to show outside of the bedroom.
“It could be this way all the time, you know,” he said, looking into her eyes.
She smiled. “It is like this all the time. Not quite as beautiful in New York, but you know what I mean.”
His expression grew serious. “Have you been happy with me, Nina? These last few months?”
I think I might be too conflicted to be happy.
She thought about her words to Karen and wondered if it was true. Maybe her definition of happy was just too narrow.
“Of course,” she said.
He stroked her cheek with his thumb. “I’m glad. You’ve made me very happy.”
“Have I?” she asked.
He nodded. “Although the fact that you ask means I’ll need to try harder to make sure you know.”
“Am I… pleasing you?” she asked. “In bed?”
“Nina…” His voice was uncharacteristically gruff as he looked into her eyes. “I enjoy every minute of our time together.” He took her hand and placed it gently on his cock, hard beneath his trousers. “Can’t you tell?”
A pulse started between her legs. She pressed them together, trying to eliminate it, wondering if it was possible to come while she stood at a railing overlooking the Aegean.
“What about out of bed?” She hated herself for asking. For needing reassurance.
“Don’t you know?” He cradled her face in his hands, his eyes piercing hers. “I love you, Nina. I need you. I’d resigned myself to being alone, to the fact that I might not be capable of love.”
She forced herself to keep breathing, his declaration ringing in her ears.
He loved her.
“And now?” she asked.
“You’ve made me believe in love again,” he said. “Have made me believe I might even deserve it.”
She wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed against him, the confession somehow making her want him more.
He pulled away to look at her, his arms still around her waist. “Move in with me, Nina.”
“I… What?”
“Move in with me. I love you. I want to be with you every possible second. Keep your job at the gallery or leave it. I’ll buy you a gallery of your own if you like.” He drew in a shuddering breath. It was the most emotion he’d displayed outside of bed. “Let me take care of you. Let me show you the world.”
She swallowed around the lump in her throat. “I don’t… I wasn’t expecting this.”
“I’ve been thinking about it for awhile,” he said. “I don’t need to think about it anymore.”
She bit her lip. “Can I? Think about it, I mean?”
A flash of surprise — and was there pain? — flashed across his face before the unreadable wall dropped down over it. “Take all the time you need.”
“Thank you.” She stood on tiptoe and kissed him. “You have made me happy, Jack. I… care about you so much.” She winced inwardly as she said it, aware that the word paled in comparison to the word Jack had used: love. “I just… I haven’t even been divorced two years. I just want to be sure I’m not rushing into anything.”
He nodded and lifted her hand to his mouth. “Of course.”
“Thank you.”
He nodded, his eyes darkening. “Are you ready for bed?”
The promise in his question was unmistakable.
“Yes.”
He led her away from the railing, and they started back to the house, Jack’s words fresh in her mind.
Let me take care of you.
Did she want to be taken care of? She didn’t know.
21
A week later, she was back at the gallery, pacing the floor while she waited on hold for Tracy, Manager of Special Events at Brown’s Catering. Nina had been sure she’d chosen a vegetarian menu for Morris’s next show — at the artist’s request — but when their rep called to confirm they had no record of it.
“This is Tracy.” The voice on the other end of the phone was brisk.
“Tracy, hi. It’s Nina at the Stockholm Gallery.”
“Hi, Nina. What can I do for you?” Tracy asked.
Nina explained the problem, detailing how she’d filled out the order form and checked the box requesting all items be vegetarian.
“Hmmm…” Nina could hear Tracy tapping the keyboard on her computer. “That’s really strange. I have your paperwork in front of me and the box isn’t checked.”
Nina lowered herself into the desk chair. “That can’t be right. I’m sure I checked it.”
“Do you want me to email you a copy?” Tracy asked.
“Yes, please,” Nina said. “What are our options now? The show’s Saturday and the artist is a strict vegetarian. This really puts me in a bind.”
“Let me take a look at a couple things,” Tracy said. Nina waited while she tapped. “We’ve already got some of the chicken on order. I might be able to cancel it and revamp the menu, but the gallery will have to cover any cancellation fees on the food, and some of the vegetarian options will cost more than usual.”
Nina dropped her head into her hands. “Why is that?”
“We’re usually able to get discounts by ordering in advance, because we can combine quantities from different events. In this case we’ll have to place last minute orders for this event alone. It’s probably going to cost us.”
“I understand,” Nina said. “Do what you have to do.”
“Will do.” Tracy’s businesslike tone made it clear that what was a catastrophe for Nina was just one of many crises in Tracy’s day. “I’ll email you a copy of the order form now and will get you a new menu by this evening.” She chuckled. “Vegetarian, of course.”
I’m going to strangle that laugh out of you with my bare hands, Nina thought.
<
br /> “Thanks so much. You’re a gem.” She hung up the phone and covered her mouth with her hands, like that might stop the primal scream threatening to erupt from her mouth.
The computer dinged with new email and she opened it to discover Tracy’s email. It took less than thirty seconds to determine that Tracy had been right: Nina hadn’t checked the box for the vegetarian menu.
She’d fucked up. It wasn’t unrecoverable, but it would cost her. She couldn’t expect Moni to cover the cost of Nina’s mistake. Nina would have to cover it from her dwindling savings.
She sat back in the chair and looked past the gallery’s interior to the window. It was sunny and hot, Brooklyn’s pedestrians out in skirts and shorts and sandals, passing by the glass in sunglasses and hats on their way to whatever activity healthy, normal people not obsessed with sex did to amuse themselves.
Nina felt pale and out of sorts by comparison. Not to mention so horny it was painful.
Jack still hadn’t delivered on her orgasm. She’d lost track of the number of times he’d brought her to the brink since their trip to Croatia, but her need for release had overshadowed almost every other aspect of her life. Jack’s confession their last night in Split was the only thing that managed to be equally distracting.
She’d replayed their conversation a hundred times since then: the naked emotion on his face, the way his voice had sounded raw, almost vulnerable.
I love you.
The words sent a storm of conflicting emotions pinwheeling through her body. She had been relieved when he didn’t press her to repeat the words, when he’d let it go unmentioned that she hadn’t, but it wasn’t a question that could go unanswered for much longer.
Did she love Jack Morgan?
Was the fact that she couldn’t stop thinking about him love? The fact that she could hardly breathe when he touched her? That she craved his touch and his mouth and the way he looked at her in bed every waking moment?
She wasn’t twenty anymore. She didn’t want to succumb to the conditioning of her youth, the idea that fairy-tale princes always rode in on a white horse, ready to rescue the princess with sweet words and respectful gestures.
The Surrender of Nina Fontaine (Awakening Book 2) Page 11