by Laura John
“How is that even possible? You’re hot! There is no way you would disappoint that man.”
“But I’ve only ever been with one guy before, and it was a horrible experience.” I shudder at the memory. “I run Dustin’s social media; I know how many girls he’s been with.” I take a deep breath. “And I think I want more than a one-night thing, but I can’t mess up our friendship. Olivia needs him as much as I do. And what if I panic like I always do? I know I’ve never panicked at his touch before, but it could happen.”
“What if you don’t? What if Dustin wants more too?” she asks.
I shake my head. How is that even possible? I’m not his type. We’re just friends. And he doesn’t even really date. It’s more like he puts on a show for the public and just messes around.
“Knock, knock, bitches,” Damon says, breaking me from my thoughts.
Shae unlocks the door and lets him in. There’s a group of girls standing outside the bathroom complaining but Damon just flips them the bird and re-locks the door.
“Okay, first of all, who said you can have an emergency friend meeting without me? Second of all, why are you in here instead of making out with Hottie McHotterson? I saw you two on the dance floor. It was hot!”
“Because I’m an idiot and never should have kissed him in the first place,” I sigh.
I move to lean against the wall and throw my head back. How could I be so stupid?
“You are not an idiot,” Damon says, placing a hand on my shoulder. “You should have kissed him years ago.”
I roll my eyes. “This is going to ruin everything. How can I stay friends with him after I crossed the invisible line?” I close my eyes, trying to calm myself. “Do you think if I ask him to forget about it, we can go back to how things used to be?”
Damon shakes his head. “Unlikely. However, I think you stupid girls have forgotten one way of everything working out.”
Shae and I exchange a look, both very clearly confused.
“And what is that, oh wise one?” Shae asks, rolling her eyes. “We’ve already discussed how Dustin isn’t really a relationship man.”
Dustin sighs and throws his hands up. “Well, no shit, he isn’t a relationship man. I’m saying just be friends with benefits. You guys are already way closer than typical friends. Nothing would really change, except that you can both work off that sexual chemistry that oozes from your pores.”
I roll my eyes. “I don’t think I can do it, Damon.”
I haven’t told Damon about how I panic whenever a guy touches me. About how I have only had sex once. He may be gay, but he’s still a guy, and it’s weird talking about those things with him.
“I’ll just talk to him,” I decide. “I’m sure we can go back to how things used to be.”
I pray that we can.
“Is that ride still up for offer?” Crystal asks through her lashes, looking a bit nervous.
Damn, this woman is so beautiful. I want to lean down and kiss her again, but I don’t want to push her away. She’s obviously terrified by what happened.
Now I know for sure that I want something more with her, and I won’t take no for an answer, but I have to ease her into it.
I nod at Crystal and shoot off a text to my security guard to meet us out back. We grab our coats and give quick hugs and fist bumps before we leave the club. Crystal is cuddled under my arm and it feels perfect.
I’m thankful this club has a back door so that we don’t have to make our way through the crowd.
Crystal and I both get into the back of my security guard’s SUV, and I pull her into my side. She sighs and rests her head on my shoulder.
“Can we talk about what happened in the club?” she asks quietly.
“Of course. You go first. Tell me how you’re feeling.” I rub my hand on her shoulder, letting her know that I’m here for her.
“You’re my best friend, Dustin. I can’t lose you. I think kissing you was a mistake. Can we just blame it on the alcohol and go back to how everything was before?”
I take a minute before responding, trying to come up with the right words. Because no, we are not going back to how it was.
“I get that you’re scared, but I think this could be something great.” I kiss the top of her head and let my lips linger there a moment. “I won’t push you into something you aren’t ready for, but I also won’t give up. I’ve wanted you for longer than I care to admit. Take your time, but one day, you will be mine.”
It’s probably more forward than I should be, but she needs to know how I feel.
She burrows further into my side, not saying anything.
I hope this works. Crystal may be my best friend, but she is also the girl I want.
Dustin is back on his tour, and things seem normal. He hasn’t once forgotten to call Olivia on his nights off, and he calls me pretty much every night, just to talk, like normal. He hasn’t brought up my birthday, but I can’t help but replay his words through my head every night.
Take your time, but one day you will be mine.
What does that even mean?
My phone pings, and my heart lights up a little seeing that it’s Dustin.
Stop it, I scold myself.
He shouldn’t make me feel like this. I need to keep my heart guarded. One night of alcohol can’t ruin the time and effort I’ve put into protecting myself.
Dustin: What are you wearing?
I roll my eyes and take a picture of my fuzzy pink socks.
Dustin: Hot.
Me: How’s the tour?
Dustin: Great. Wish you were here, though.
Me: Olivia misses you.
Dustin: And you?
I pause. Of course I miss him. It’s impossible not to miss him. He’s my best friend.
Me: Always.
Dustin: Can I call you?
Normally, my response is immediate, but I can’t make my fingers move. I want to hear his voice, to fall asleep on the phone with him. But I feel my resolve slipping, and I can’t do it.
Me: Sorry I’m heading to bed. TTYL.
I see bubbles pop up, but they disappear. I hope I didn’t upset him. I don’t want to hurt him. I just want our friendship back to normal. This distance right now is good. It gives us both time to think, and then we can talk about it all when he gets back.
Dustin: Sleep well.
I close my eyes tight. This is for the best.
It’s April now, and Dustin still has three months left on his tour. I can’t get him out of my head and I honestly feel like I’m going insane. One moment, I think hell no. The next, maybe. The next, I think we should give this a shot. Then the cycle starts all over again.
I decide it’s time to bring everyone in for a girls’ night.
Me: Girls’ night. I need help!
Tia: I’ll text my mother-in-law, but I should be able to make it.
Rayna: See you tonight.
Leah: I’ll bring juice! Baby can’t have alcohol.
Damon: I’ll bring vodka. (Sorry, Leah!)
Leah: *rolls eyes*
Shae: Karl’s actually home, so I’m in.
Me: See you all later!
I’m setting out the food trays that I prepared when I hear Olivia running down the hall.
“Awnie Tia!” she shrieks, and I know my sister has arrived.
I hear fits of laughter and another high-pitched voice.
“Awnie Cwiss!” CeCe shrieks.
I pick up my beautiful little niece.
“I know it’s girls’ night, but CeCe really wanted to see you and Olivia,” Tia says, carrying Olivia.
“It’s okay. The girls will keep each other occupied, and then the grown-ups can chat!” I assure her.
Everyone else arrives, and we all move to the living room while the girls run to Olivia’s room to play.
“Spill, bitch. What’s going on?” Damon starts.
I shake my head and take a large gulp of my wine, staring at the ceiling and trying to figure out the words
to say.
“Well, you guys know I kissed Dustin on my birthday. Then he told me to take my time, but I’ll be his one day. But everything has been the exact same as it was before, and I’m slowly going crazy,” I say, talking as fast as humanly possible, letting the words fly out.
“How do you know things are how they were before? You haven’t even seen him since,” Leah says while stuffing some crackers in her mouth.
“Well, he hasn’t brought it up, and our conversations are how they always were. If he meant what he said, wouldn’t he say something? Maybe he was just drunk. Maybe he said it, but he didn’t mean it. Maybe he regrets saying it. Maybe I made it all up and it was just a dream.”
“Okay, slow down and take a breath,” Tia says, cutting my tangent off.
I take another gulp of my wine.
“Do you want things to change?” Rayna asks.
I don’t know how to respond. Yes? No? Maybe?
“I want him in my life, always, but I don’t know if I want more than what we already have,” I admit.
Tia grabs my hand, and her eyes are soft.
“It’s okay to not know.” She strokes my hand and calms me down.
“I don’t want to start something with him and have everything we have come crashing down. But when he kissed me…” I touch my lips, remembering the feeling. “I felt alive.”
“You’ve got it bad, girl,” Shae says.
I nod. Yeah, I think I do.
“What am I supposed to do?” I sigh, fighting back the tears.
I don’t want things to change, but at the same time, I do. Man, I’m messed up in the head.
“I think you should play it by ear, wait until he comes back, and see what happens,” Leah says, still stuffing her face. She blushes when she notices everyone staring at her. “What? The baby wants food.”
Leah is about five months pregnant and she acts like there are three kids in there. But I am not going to tell a pregnant lady what to do. I’m smarter than that.
My thoughts drift back to her and Johnny’s wedding day.
“Come on, sweetheart. Please don’t fight Mommy. Just let me put your shoe on,” I beg Olivia in the car outside of Mikey’s parents’ house.
She finally agrees to play along, and I grab her, speed-walking to get to where we are supposed to be sitting.
Why am I always late for everything? Having a kid has definitely not helped the situation.
As we enter trying to be quiet, all eyes turn to me. Damn it. They totally thought I was a bridesmaid or Leah.
I whisper my apologies and go to sit next to Dustin. Thank God he’s in the back row.
“You’re always so beautiful when you’re that shade of red,” he whispers.
I shoot him daggers.
“Livvy didn’t want to cooperate, okay?” I sneer back at him.
I use my daughter as an excuse, but in reality, it’s just who I am as a person to be late.
“I knew something would happen. That’s why I sat back here. You’re probably going to be late to your own funeral.”
I roll my eyes at him, but he’s not wrong.
I feel like people are staring at me, and I feel even more embarrassed. Dustin places his hand on my knee, and I freeze for a moment.
“I’m always here for you, and I think it’s cute that you’re always late,” he says, leaning in, and his scent makes me go slightly lightheaded.
I’m brought back to reality as Olivia and CeCe come running out of the bedroom completely decked out in princess attire.
“Dustin and I have never been just friends, have we?” I ask my friends once they rush out of the room just as quickly.
All of their heads shake, and Damon and Shae both have shit-eating grins on their faces.
I bury my face in a pillow. I honestly thought for so long that that was just how friends acted. Yes, I knew I had a tiny crush on him, but I never for the life of me thought Dustin returned any feelings. Now, I’m completely at a loss about what to do.
Do I give in and try something with Dustin? Or do I try to keep things how they have always been? Is it worth the risk to my heart, and to Olivia’s?
“You’ve been amazing, Edmonton!” I yell at the screaming fans, then run backstage.
Tonight was the last of our Canadian stops, and I couldn’t be more excited to go home. Two more months of concerts, and then the tour is over.
Frankly I’m already done. I don’t want to do a tour this long again.
And then there’s the obsessed fan that seems to be following the tour. At almost every show, a random gift shows up. The gifts themselves aren’t that weird, really. Chocolate that’s certified peanut-free. It is weird that they know that, but information about my allergy is in my rider, which could have gotten leaked online. And who knows? Maybe I mentioned my allergy in an interview at one point and I forgot. It’s possible. I’ve also gotten souvenirs from my tour stops that always have my favorite color, orange, in them, and some really amateur-looking fan art with obscure lyrics from my lesser-known songs and my early songs from my YouTube days.
But the notes that come with the gifts? Yeah, those are weird.
I chose you. Why won’t you choose me?
I will have you. Just wait and see.
You are all I want. You will be mine one day.
I wish we could figure out who’s sending this stuff. We have upped the security at my shows and my hotel rooms, but it hasn’t done any good. And, frankly, it’s starting to freak me out.
It’s always the same: the gifts are left anonymously, and some random kitchen staff is paid like a hundred bucks to deliver it. They always think it’s harmless, and I get why. Because they don’t read the notes.
The description that the person who delivers the gifts gives us is different every time too.
It’s a man.
It’s a woman.
He has brown hair.
No, she has blonde hair.
She’s tall.
No, he’s short.
He’s overweight.
No, she’s rail-thin.
We think these people also being paid to give a false description so we can’t identify the person based on that. So far, we haven’t alerted the whole crew because it’s still harmless enough, but if this keeps up, we’re going to have to tell them.
I really love touring. I love the crowd, the energy, all of it. But this tour’s been difficult since I don’t know where Crystal and I stand. I don’t want to bring up her birthday until I see her in person again, so I’ve been keeping our conversations casual.
“You’ve really been killing this tour,” Kyle says, slapping me on the back.
I flinch, and he has a shit-eating grin on his face. I’m so fucking jumpy around him since I’m still waiting for him to prank me back. I know he’s planning something big.
“Thanks, man. Any gifts show up tonight?” I ask, hoping that they have finally stopped.
He looks down and nods.
“I think it’s time to let the crew know. And maybe you should up your security again. The notes are getting crazier. Whoever this is, they’re obsessed with you.”
I pause, not really knowing what to say. This is uncharted territory for me. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do. Or not do.
Then again, I don’t get the vibe that this person wants to hurt me. If they did, they could have already done it very easily. My peanut allergy is severe. If I’m even in a room with peanut products, I have an allergic reaction. So if they wanted to hurt me, all they’d have to do would be send chocolate with peanuts in it. Instead, they’re making sure that the chocolate doesn’t have peanuts.
“Let the crew know,” I finally decide. “We’ll keep the security tight for the tour, but I don’t think I need it afterward.”
He looks nervous, but nods.
“I’m so lucky you got put on as my tour manager. The last one almost killed me. Like, who leaves peanuts in someone’s dressing room when they know the person h
as a severe allergy?” Wiping my forehead with a rag, I take a bottle of water off a table nearby.
“Yeah, this gig has been pretty sweet, but I miss my daughter something fierce.”
I nod. “Yeah, being away from Olivia has been tough. I know she isn’t my birth daughter, or even my stepdaughter, but she means just as much to me.”
He nods. He knows almost everything about my life. We are really close. I never thought we would become best friends, but he’s like a brother to me.
“She’s lucky to have you. So, how are things between you and Crystal?”
I shake my head, not even sure how to answer. “No idea, man. I want to talk to her in person, and figure it out.”
“What’s up, shitheads?” Wade says, slapping me on the back, his brother Decker coming up behind him.
“Not much, man. What are you guys up to?”
Wade and Decker have been in my band since the beginning. We are practically family. Wade and I are the same age, and Decker is a couple of years younger.
“Well it’s our last night in Canada and this fucker is legal to drink here.” Wade grabs Decker in a head lock. “We thought we’d go out and have a good night.”
Decker is the quiet type, but everyone likes to let loose and have a good time.
“Do you even know where to party here?” I ask, honestly not having the slightest clue. The last time I was in Edmonton was for a quick show and out the same night.
“Well, I met a girl this afternoon,” Wade starts.
I shake my head. Of course he met a girl. He has a different girl every city. He’s a lot like my friend Johnny Crown used to be: a player with a capital P.
“She said there’s an awesome country bar, and we probably won’t even get recognized,” he continues.
“Just because they’re country fans, it doesn’t mean they won’t know who I am,” I counter.
Kyle nods. “You idiots aren’t going anywhere without security. Let me call the bar and see if I can sneak you guys in a back door.”
I nod. I haven’t really gone out much on this tour, and it would be fun to have a drinking night.
“Shots, shots, shots!” a tiny girl clinging to Decker yells.