by JA Huss
Hold on. Did Adam give you a knife?
No. It wasn’t my knife. It was a small knife from the bar, I think.
Like a paring knife?
Yeah. Maybe.
And then what happened?
I don’t know. I was bleeding. Suddenly there was blood everywhere. All over me. And I was getting dizzy. Then I woke in that garage tied to the bed.
You don’t remember anything else? Did the man say anything to you?
I don’t know. I can’t remember.
OK, Indie. That’s all for now. We’re done talking about it.
But… what happened?
I’m going to talk to Adam when we’re done here and find out what he saw.
Will you tell me what he saw?
I don’t know yet. If I think it will help you, I will tell you. But it probably won’t be helpful and then it’s just better you don’t know. It’s better that you move on. Try to forget about it. Your wrists will heal. You’ll be fine.
But what if they come back for me? What if they come here, Donovan?
They won’t. But I promise, Adam will take care of them if he hasn’t already. Now… aren’t you curious about what I’ve been up to?
Yes. Do you have a girlfriend yet?
Kind of.
Is she in school with you?
Yeah. We’re in the same program. We just study together because she’s like ten years older than me.
Oh, that sucks. I feel sorry for you. It must be hard to be so much younger than everyone.
Well, I guess you would know. You and I are the same in that regard. Is it hard living here with Adam and McKay? Do you wish you were older? Or they were younger?
No. Because I have Nate. And I know he’s worried about me. I told him I would be back two days ago and that I would see him as soon as you left.
Just tell him I was late. And your trip took longer than you thought. But you have to wear long sleeves. You can’t let him see your wrists. He will ask a lot of questions and maybe even tell someone because he’s worried about you. But trust me, Indie. Telling people about this is not the answer. You are safe here with Adam and McKay. No one can hurt you when you’re with them.
I know that. I won’t tell him.
Good. Then unless you have more questions for me, we’re done and you can go outside.
Really?
Yup. I have to leave tonight because I have class tomorrow and I can’t miss another day. But I’ll be back on the weekend.
Why so soon?
I just want to make sure you’re OK. We’re all worried about you.
You don’t have to worry about me, Donovan. I’m fine.
I know you are. Now go. I’m sure Nate is dying to see you. But don’t forget to change into long sleeves… And Indie?
Yes?
Next time Adam tells you to check the bedroom first, you need to check the bedroom first.
Transcript note: The recorder was left running for my conversation with Adam. And the next thirty seconds were just non-verbal sounds.
DONOVAN: Close the door.
ADAM: What did she say?
What the fuck were you doing?
Listen, you know I can’t tell you everything. And if you don’t know that all kids like her—kids like me—have an initiation, well. Then you’re just stupid. They don’t just turn us loose and say, “Have a good life!” I’m still under orders, Donovan. This was her initiation and as far as I can tell, she fuckin’ failed with flying colors. And that guy triggered her.
What?
Yeah. So your fucking grandfather has some explaining to do. I was not told that she had been… worked over so thoroughly before I bought her. He triggered her and she slit her own wrists.
You’re sure.
Yeah, I’m fuckin’ sure. I saw the whole thing on the goddamned security footage. I was watching from the control room in the basement. She went behind the bar where he was hiding and the minute she saw him he said, “Deactivate.” And her whole body locked up. What the fuck? And what kind of trigger word is that? Do you have any idea how many times in her life someone will say the word “deactivate?” It’s like… it’s like they put no thought into her at all.
I didn’t know. I swear to God, I didn’t know.
Well, someone knew. Because someone did this to her!
What happened to the men?
I fucking killed them! What else could I do? That asshole told her to slit her wrists! They set me up. They set her up!
And the Company?
Uh… pissed off doesn’t even cover it. They are livid. Fucking livid with me. But I bought her, Donovan. She’s mine. They do not get to come in and take her mind from me. You understand that?
I hear you. And I did not know.
Well, I’m about to go down to that island and cut your grandfather’s throat for this.
He didn’t do it. He’s got nothing to do with that program.
I don’t give a fuck. Do the words “full disclosure” mean anything to you? He knew. He had to know. She was there with him for six months. He had a file on her and if the Company is keeping that kind of information hidden from a guy like him… well, who the fuck is running this show? He’s on the goddamned board! And the fact that they thought they could just come in and fuck up my girl? I want to kill every single one of them.
Just calm down.
No. I will not calm down. She slit her own wrists, Donovan.
But she lived. So she passed.
She passed because I killed them.
Maybe that’s what they wanted? You are the clean-up guy.
They have no idea how badly they fucked up with me.
Were they targeting you? Do you think they know anything?
I don’t fuckin’ know. But we need to, excuse the pun, deactivate this shit inside her head. Now. You’re not going back to Duke. You’re gonna spend the next…fuckin’ however long fixing her.
I can’t quit school, Adam. I have a job to do too. I’ll be up to my neck in clinicals starting next month. And so much for my research paper. I can’t publish this. Not even internally.
You did not just say that.
I mean… of course I’ll be back to fix her. But I can only come between classes, Adam. I can’t disrupt my schedule. They don’t even know what I’m doing here with you. And now is not the time to go off plan. We’re very close. I’ve got a lead on Sasha Cherlin. And if we can get to her, then—
Fuck that girl! I don’t want to work with her again. She’s the antithesis of how I want Indie to turn out. And you’re the one who told me to stay away from her. Remember that? Back on the island. You said…
I know what I said. But she got out and she’s still alive.
She got out because of me!
Fun fact.
What?
I met another guy named Adam in the business.
Who?
Some FBI agent. Company black ops. He’s on the inside. And his brother is how I tracked down Sasha. Her name’s Aston now, by the way. I think this might be helpful in the future.
I don’t want to see Sasha ever again. You understand me? Nick Tate is out there killing kids. Did you know that?
I’ve heard.
Well, then you know that Indie is on his shortlist. And if he finds out she has a trigger word—
I highly doubt he knows that. Or anything about Indie. She’s been here for almost two years now. If he knew where she was, he’d have taken her out already, trust me. I know that guy pretty well. At least I used to, before that shit show out in Santa Barbara. Just… try to calm down. Have McKay put up extra security cameras. Get some dogs, maybe. I’ll be back on Friday night, but I have to leave Sunday. I’d like to talk to McKay before I go though. Can you call him in?
Are you dismissing me?
No. Of course not. I just have to go and I need to make sure McKay understands how we’re going to proceed. He’s in charge of her training. Unless something has changed and—
Fuck you, Do
novan.
(Transcript note: Several minutes go by on the recording while McKay and Adam argue in the other room.)
MCKAY: What?
Donovan: Close the door. Good God, don’t you people believe in privacy?
Just tell me what you have to say. I need to go hunt down Indie and her little boyfriend and make sure he’s not asking too many questions.
…
What? Why are you looking at me that way?
Are you… jealous of him?
Fuck you. You have two seconds to spit out what you need to say or I walk out.
OK. So she has a trigger word—
I just heard.
—and we need to fix that. I’ll be back as often as I can come, but in the meantime, you need to keep her very busy.
Because you’re the expert on this.
I’m all you’ve got, McKay. So shut up and listen. I’ve been studying this shit for as long as I can remember. I know more about it than anyone you know. Keep her busy. Plan some jobs for her to do. And by plan I mean fake, OK? Set them up. Set her up to succeed. Send her into… I don’t know. New Orleans, probably. And make her complete simple tasks. Get her confidence back and help forget this… incident.
How long is this gonna take?
Years. Probably two or three? Hard to tell. Not many people have gotten out of the program. Only four total case studies over the past fifty years. But one of them went on to live a long, almost normal life.
Well, that makes me feel better. Not.
Well, it should. At least we have some hope. She’s young. No one’s used her much yet. We can undo it. It’ll just take time.
You better be right about this.
SESSION #19 NOTES
SESSION #19 NOTES
Indie Anna is smart, capable, and is living as close to a normal life as she could’ve hoped for. Despite McKay’s agitation with the boy next door, he will play a critical role in Indie’s healing. The news that she has a trigger word is an unfortunate development. But I am confident that I can lead her through this deactivation period and get her back on task.
SESSION #19 NOTES - PRIVATE
I feel like I’m getting further and further away from my goal when I started this project. I have put Indie under hypnosis eight times since our first session and each time she becomes more compliant. But none of my questions, or her answers to them, led to any actionable information. If this job in Pensacola didn’t just go sideways, I might be tempted to concede that all my suspicions were unfounded.
But she was triggered. And her command was to kill herself. So someone had to program her. And that someone has to be Carter. Nick Tate didn’t do it. That’s the only thing I’m sure of. Nick was already in the thick of his Zero Program exit strategy by the time Indie came to the island. He wouldn’t have started her just to end her.
Carter. It has to be Carter.
I have to believe that. Because right now Indie Anna Accorsi is the only connection I have to him.
I know he was real.
My father told me over and over again that he was just a dream, but I know he was real.
I’m not crazy.
I know he was real.
CHAPTER NINE - McKAY
PRESENT DAY
In bed, we sleep.
Well, she sleeps. I think so, anyway. I can hear her soft, deep breathing. And I recognize it like a fingerprint. There could be a whole room filled with sleeping people and I could find Indie in the dark by her breath alone.
She is flat on her stomach, head turned away from me, cheek pressed into the pillow. I lie on my back, hands behind my head, eyes on the ceiling.
I don’t want this to end but Donovan will be here soon. Maybe an hour. Maybe two. And then this pause will be over.
The ceiling has no answers for me. Just more questions. How did she get here? Where has she been? Who was she with?
But I stare at it anyway because if I look at her—if I allow myself to look at her—then I’ll want to touch her. And this can’t last. We both know this can’t last.
I might belong to her but she doesn’t belong to me. Not me alone, anyway. Adam and Donovan own equal parts of her heart. Even if she does blame Adam for her current situation, she will never be able to detach herself from him. No matter how much she’d like to.
Just like I can’t.
There’s a part of me that still wonders what my life would’ve been like if I had not come to live with the Bouchers. I still wonder if what Mr. Boucher told me was the truth.
But there’s no time to think about my past or my problems with it. Because Indie is back. I have spent the past four years wishing for this day. Hoping she was still alive and she’d come back to us.
And here she is and I can’t even look at her.
Finally, I can’t take it anymore and I turn my head. Stare at the long curve of her spine. Notice the lights and darks that play along the muscles of her back in the moonlight.
I turn onto my side just enough to reach over and trace a long, soft line down her back. And suddenly there is this overwhelming urge to wrap my arms around her. To pull her into my chest and hug her tight. So tight she melds into me. Becomes a part of me. And our hearts merge.
That’s where she belongs. Inside my heart.
I press my head into the pillow and sigh.
“Why are you sighing?”
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.”
She doesn’t turn or even move. Just lies still. I want to keep her like this. Forever. Just crawl on top of her and cover her with my body. Keep her for myself. My captive.
“What do you think is gonna happen now, McKay?”
I can’t answer that. And my heart beats fast, then faster. Because I’m afraid she’ll turn and look at me. And she’ll see what’s behind my eyes. The fear. The longing. The false apologies. The secrets I’m hiding from her. From everyone. “I don’t know,” I finally answer. “We’ll go home, I guess. What else can we do but go home?”
And then she does turn and I suddenly want to cry. A hard rock forms in my throat and just grows bigger and bigger until I’m very sure that I will die.
My eyes become wet and sad.
I’m so fucking sad.
Her hands are tucked under her cheek and her blue eyes are wide open. There is no sadness there though. Because she doesn’t even know that she should be sad.
She reaches out with one hand and places it on my cheek. “Don’t worry. It’s gonna be OK.”
I place my hand over hers and nod. Then I pull her close to me and she scoots in until her breasts are pressing against my chest and both hands grab on to my hair.
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing,” I lie. “I’m fine. How are you?”
“Better.”
This makes me smile. “I’ve missed you, ya know. I’ve been worried about you. I want to know everything.”
She frowns and pouts her lips. Just a little. “You really don’t.”
“Do you remember now?”
“Where I’ve been? Or what I’ve done?”
My heart skips a beat or seven. “Aside from the dog walking?”
“I don’t really remember. I just… I just have a very bad feeling about it.”
I take her hand off my head and hold it. Kiss the back of her knuckles. “We’ll figure it out.”
“Maybe I don’t want to know? I mean”—she looks up into my eyes, searching for something—“if I’m supposed to know, then why do I keep forgetting?”
“You know why. You don’t forget everything. You found your way here. Two weeks ago,” I add. Louder. Sterner. “Why the fuck didn’t you come to me when you got into town?”
“I don’t know. I don’t remember getting here. One day I was just watching you get drinks at the bar.”
“From the inside?”
“Yup. I was there. I kept thinking, He’ll feel me. Ya know? I thought you should be able to feel me watching you. But you didn’t. So I just… stayed i
n the shadows.”
She’s right. I should’ve known. But it’s been four years since she left. And maybe, that first year, I would’ve. But then… time just kept moving forward and things started to fade. I didn’t exactly forget about her or the past fourteen years of my life. I just… let it slip away. Into the dark background. Into the shadows.
And that’s where she was. Right there in the darkest corners of my memories. Close, but unseen.
“I’m sorry. I should’ve felt you. But you’re here now and you’re not leaving again.”
“You don’t know that. I don’t even know that.”
“I’m not gonna let you, Indie. It’s not safe.”