by JA Huss
Today though? Would she kill Adam tonight if he decides to show up? I just don’t know. I have no fuckin’ clue what’s running through that girl’s head.
Sex. Obviously.
Which I can’t pretend I don’t enjoy.
It would be a sick thing to admit I have loved Indie this way since I first laid eyes on her when she was ten. It’s wrong. On every level. And it’s not even true. I mean, I did love her immediately, but I wasn’t thinking of her sexually until well after she was eighteen.
Still. It’s fucked up. We all know it’s fucked up.
And part of the reason she lost her mind was because of us.
And what we all did on her twentieth birthday was the trigger. That was the day when Nathan came home from school and saw us. All of us. Together. Right over there. On that swing I made Indie when she was just a little girl.
That act of passion shattered our lives into tiny little pieces.
And after that day was over… we knew there was no way to ever put it back together.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN - INDIE
Maggie was the most perfect baby alive. So small and sweet. And she smelled like… like a spring rain on a sunny day.
The pregnancy was hard. I’m not gonna lie. After the whole truth was out and I moved in with Nathan, everything seemed OK. Like this was all gonna work out just fine. Living over at Nate’s wasn’t much different as far as I could tell. Only my view now was of Old Home and not the brown-brick house. His grandfather had passed a few weeks earlier, but his grandfather had been sick for as long as I could remember. So that wasn’t much different, either.
To be honest, the real difference was McKay. Because he wasn’t there to make dinner for me. Which sounds ridiculous, but I did not know how to cook. And Nathan kinda expected to be fed.
Which was also weird, because Nate was the one who did all the cooking too.
I don’t know. Something changed between us after I moved in. I didn’t read a lot of romance books, just that one about the boy next door. But I figured it couldn’t hurt to find a few more to study. I just needed some pointers about this romance thing, that was all.
But all the romance novels for sale in the river town were old and out of date. People were still using telephones in them, for fuck’s sake. So I’m not sure I did myself any favors by reading those for tips.
Nathan liked to go into New Orleans for dinner or shopping. But this was weird for me. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve been all over the fuckin’ world. I’m no stranger to cities. But always on a job, never really just for fun.
When I was younger McKay took me to the zoo once. It was fine. But it reminded me of the island where Adam bought me. And that made me think of snakes and there were enough snakes in my backyard, thank you. I didn’t need the zoo to remind me of that.
And he took me to the Space Center in Huntsville once. We stayed for a few days. I liked that more than the zoo. At least there were no cages.
And then we did have plans to go to Disney World for my twelfth birthday, but something came up and we didn’t go. Then the next year, when McKay brought it up again, I said I felt too old to see Disney World for the first time. He tried to change my mind. Said it was for all ages. He even sweetened the pot and said he would make Donovan and Adam come with us, but I still said no.
But other than that, we didn’t get out much. I enjoyed the river trips Nathan and I took up to the river town. And the ice cream, of course. But I didn’t like the town where he went to school very much. I always felt like people looked at me weird.
And of course, all of Nathan’s friends lived there and he played football for his school. So those first few months we were living together as a couple, he always wanted to go there and meet up with his friends on the weekends. So I ended up just staying home with McKay and Adam when he did that.
We weren’t having sex, either. Not that I cared. Our relationship wasn’t about sex. But we used to kiss a lot. And hold hands. We didn’t do that anymore after I moved in, either.
And then, by the time Maggie was born, I was ready to go home to my own bed in my own room. The little brown-brick house was fine, I guess. But it was small, and old, and to be honest, it smelled a little bit like Nate’s dead grandfather.
I don’t know. I could not get that smell out of my nose. McKay told me that smells get funny when you’re pregnant. But it was the same after Maggie was born.
So I just moved home.
A few weeks later Nathan broke up with me.
Or maybe that’s not quite the right word. Was he really my boyfriend? No. We were friends. Friends who used to like to kiss and hold hands and who had sex exactly one time, but other than that… even my old raggedy romance books told me that was not a boyfriend.
And that hurt. And it hurt even more when he said he didn’t want the baby and me to go to college with him. Because he said, “You don’t fit in, Indie. You live in another world from the rest of us.”
Which I could not exactly argue about. Because I did live in another world. But it wasn’t my fault that I was Company. Even though, by this time, there was no Company. That made very little sense to me. There was no more Company, but I was still Company. There was no way to not be Company.
It hardly seemed fair.
But back to Magnolia. Maggie. Mags. She was my new world. And she was not Company. She would never be Company. That gave me hope. And being with her—and seeing McKay and Adam dote all over her, and Donovan would come, and then he would dote on her too—that made things a little better.
For a little while.
The holidays were fun that year. Very fun. McKay always went out of his way to make sure we had nice holidays. He cooked Thanksgiving dinner and Adam and I would bake frozen pies. We tried to make them from scratch one year, but everyone agreed that the frozen ones came out better. So that’s what we did from then on.
And most years it was nice enough to eat Thanksgiving dinner outside under the pavilion. Adam would make a fire in the fireplace and watch football, and Donovan was usually there. He and I would play cards. And McKay would make us all clean up the dishes afterward because he was the cook. But he helped anyway. So all four of us would be in the kitchen washing and drying dishes and putting things away.
And then the house would go dark and we’d all hang out on the couch and watch TV. Usually an old horror film.
But Maggie’s first Thanksgiving was even better. I decided to cook instead of McKay. I figured it was time to learn some domestic things. McKay couldn’t always be there to take care of me. Besides, he had carved out a place in the garden for a playset for Maggie. He was working on that the first year. And let me tell you, it was something else. A big square of garden and hedges were ripped up to make room. McKay built another pavilion over it with a big ol’ skylight so future Maggie could play outside in the rain if she wanted, but still have a big patch of sun when it was nice out. And the play set was no ordinary play set. It was almost like a treehouse. There were two slides, and a swing set with a baby swing and three regular swings. It even had a little kid climbing wall and a rope bridge.
I swear. Those hands of McKay’s could make anything.
Nathan St. James didn’t even come home for Thanksgiving that first year.
I thought, OK. His grandfather was dead. And winter break was coming up and that was a long one, so for sure he’d be home for Maggie’s first Christmas.
But he didn’t come.
And there was this missing piece inside me after that. Like… he was never there. Like I had lost something and I was desperate to find it again.
I tried to put it out of my mind. I did some odd jobs on the side. Kept busy.
But it really messed with my head.
McKay and Adam liked Christmas. They were like little boys. We didn’t buy each other a lot of presents, but we always had presents. McKay always made me something. He made me a dollhouse that first year. I was maybe a little old for it since I was ten and half. But I like
d it anyway. And played with it for a few years, at least. He made Adam a knife. A fucking knife. Like forged that thing in flames out in a special fire stove thing behind the shed. And it was a nice one too.
He made Maggie a rocking horse for her first Christmas. She was six months old by that time. She could sit on it and rock a little if we held her.
It was special. And I was happy. But I really did expect Nathan to come home and see us. And he didn’t.
After the holidays were over, I told Adam I wanted to go back to work. He said no, of course. That I had a job and that job was called being a mother. But it wasn’t enough for me. It should’ve been. I realize that. It just wasn’t.
But I didn’t pester him about it because once Adam makes up his mind his mind is made up. It’s always been that way.
But I had a mind of my own as well.
I had my truck. I could go into any town I wanted to shop or whatever. I did that sometimes. I’d put Maggie in her seat and we’d drive all over the place while McKay and Adam were off doing things I used to do, but was no longer allowed to.
And that was when I first saw Angelica again. I was nearly twenty at the time. Maggie was getting big and was about to turn two that summer. She was making good use of that play set McKay had built her. And everyone was home during Easter weekend.
Everyone but Nathan, that is.
I slipped out of the house when Maggie was napping and McKay and Adam were watching TV, and I was walking in the woods like I used to and there she was.
Just… there she was. One minute nothing. Then, poof. Angelica was in the woods with me. Like she came out of nowhere.
And she started telling me all about these jobs she was doing. I was stunned, to say the least. Because I had thought that Nick had killed her years before. But then I tapped my head and remembered… oh, that was right. Nick didn’t kill her. Adam said something about her going to live with someone like him. Someone who could raise her and take care of her until she was old enough to do it herself.
She said, “Indie. Come here. I have a job for you.” And then she whispered all the details into my ear.
And I smiled.
It was like I had just woken up from a long dream.
Like I was back.
Right before she left, she put her finger to her lips and whispered, “Shhhh. Don’t tell no one, Indie.”
So I didn’t.
PART THREE - THROUGH THE GATE
And here we are. The point of no return. You opened your eyes when you opened the door. And even though you haven’t passed through yet, it’s inevitable now.
You know what’s behind you. It’s all very familiar and safe. But people who feel safe often get giddy with stupidity.
They forget why those walls were built in the first place. They forget why the gate was locked. They forget what’s waiting for them on the other side.
And they don’t care anymore. They can’t stand one more second of safety. They need new. They need different. They need anything else but same.
Something has to give.
CHAPTER NINETEEN - DONOVAN
INTERVIEW WITH INDIE – age 19.9
SESSION #178
DONOVAN: OK, Indie. What the actual fuck? You’ve been missing for two weeks and—
INDIE: I already told you. I don’t want to talk about it.
I know you don’t want to talk about it. You’ve made that very clear. But I have been equally as clear that we will not leave this room until you tell me where you’ve been and what you’ve been doing.
…
I’m not fucking around, Indie. I will lock you in this room until you talk.
I’ll find a way out.
I will drug you. And then no, sweetie. You will not find a way out. I will keep you here for as long as I need to. Because you cannot go missing for two weeks with no explanation.
I’m a grown-up, Donovan. I can do whatever the fuck I want.
You have a child, Indie. If you walk away from her, that’s called abandonment. And we won’t put up with it.
Is that a threat?
Yeah. That’s a fuckin’ threat all right. I have serious concerns about your mental state and your ability to take care of Maggie right now.
I’m her mother, Donovan. You’re no one to her. None of you guys can stop me from picking her up, walking away, and taking her with me.
Wanna bet? You wanna try us, Indie? Because we’ve already agreed that you will not leave this house with Maggie. That is one hundred percent truth. And we’re no one to her? Really? I heard her calling Adam ‘Daddy’ last week. That’s no one?
Adam isn’t her daddy. Nathan is.
And Nathan is not here, so—
OK. Let’s start there. Why isn’t Nathan here, Donovan?
I couldn’t really tell you for sure. He was too young to be a father? He wanted to play football instead? He wanted to fuck girls in college and have a good time?
That’s not why and you know it. You can say all those nasty things to try to hurt me, or shock me, or whatever. But that’s not why he left and never came back. We both know one of you did something.
What did we do? Because I know for a fact, I didn’t do anything. I can count the number of times I’ve talked to Nathan St. James on one hand. And all of those conversations happened before you were fifteen. So, no. I didn’t do anything to keep Nathan away from you. He’s just a boy who walked away as far as I’m concerned.
Well. I’m happy to hear you weren’t involved. But aside from the fact that one of you got him arrested—
He was quickly released.
—he also called me once, you know. And he told me different.
When?
A few weeks after Maggie’s first Christmas.
Is that right?
Yup.
What did he say?
He said… “I hope you’re happy.” But it wasn’t sarcasm. It was real. He hoped I was happy.
Is that it?
No. That’s not it. He also said… he said he was sorry.
Sorry for what?
For cheating on me. And before you let that smug smile creep up your whole face, that’s not why he left, either. He didn’t leave me and Maggie for another girl. Or college. Or anything like that.
Then why did he leave?
Because he said he made a mistake. And once that was pointed out to him, he knew he could never be there for me the way you guys could. That’s how I know one of you said something to him.
Why didn’t you say anything? Why didn’t you come tell us he called and told you those things?
Because I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want to admit that…
Admit what, Indie?
That you guys didn’t really love me. That you were all just… afraid of me. That’s all. That’s the only reason you come, right, Donovan? To keep me sane? I have heard Adam say that so many times, I lost count. “You need to come right now, Donovan. She’s done something.” “You need to set her straight, Donovan. She said something.” What did I do? Huh? What did I do that was so bad, Donovan? What did I say that scared you guys? Three grown-ass men? Two of whom kill people for a fuckin’ living? How did I scare you? Can you tell me that, at least? Because I don’t understand what is so wrong with me. What do I do that scares you so bad? Do I stalk into your rooms in the middle of the night with a knife? Tell me.
There are a lot of question marks in that statement.
Only one counts. Why do I scare you?
First of all, McKay doesn’t really kill people for a living, so he’d probably appreciate it if you didn’t go around spreading that particular rumor.
Oh. Excuse me. He only trains killers. Got it. Big difference.
And you’re wrong, you know. We’re not afraid of you, Indie. We’re afraid for you.
What does that even mean?
It means that you disappear for two weeks with no word and then come back refusing to talk about it.
So? It’s my life, right?
You have a child. You can’t just—
Exactly. My. Child. Not yours. Not Adam’s. Not McKay’s. She’s mine.
Who did you think was taking care of her while you were gone on this trip, Indie?
You know who.
Adam and McKay?
Of course.
And what if they weren’t home when you decided to walk out? Then who?
That didn’t happen. They were home. I knew they were home.
OK. Let’s go back to that night. Walk me through your decision to leave. Can you do that?
…
Indie, I’m not judging you. I’m really not. You’re a good mother. You’re a very sweet girl.
But? There’s a but in there, right?
But… you do have to admit your life is far from normal. And you have done things—
Things you guys made me do!
I understand that. It’s about the things you do, but also the way you react after you do these things.
Because I’m mad at you right now? Because Adam took Maggie and I don’t know where she is?