by Devney Perry
Cole looked up from his pie. “Like a date?”
Date.
Maybe that word wasn’t so scary, after all.
“Yes. Like a date.”
“You look,” Cole swallowed, “stunning.”
“Thanks.” I smoothed down the skirt of my forest-green dress. It had a simple design but was fitted down the bodice to my hips and knees. I hadn’t worn this dress in years, but it still fit perfectly and gave me the illusion of curves and cleavage.
I looked up from my patent nude heels, letting my eyes linger on Cole. “Not so bad yourself, Detective.”
He was wearing a white button-down shirt tucked into some charcoal slacks. The leather belt cinched at his narrow waist accentuated his broad shoulders. And his legs looked long—really long—and his thighs thicker than they did in jeans.
I was shamelessly staring at his bulging quads when he cleared his throat. “Ready to go?”
I nodded, hoping that the heat in my cheeks wasn’t too red, and stepped down off the porch. “This is kind of weird, having you here again.” Tonight was the first time Cole had ever picked me up from home instead of the restaurant.
“Yeah.” He held out his hand but didn’t say anything else about that night.
When I slipped my hand in his, the nerves in my stomach settled the instant we touched.
An hour later, we were squished together in a wooden pew at the church. At the altar, my friend was saying her vows to a man who looked at her like she was the only person in the sanctuary.
I’d been fighting the burn and swelling in my throat since the moment she walked down the aisle. The moment she said I do, I lost the fight and tears flooded my eyes.
I’d never cried at a wedding before. Never. Not even my own.
Maybe it was because this was the first wedding I’d been to since Jamie had died. Maybe it was because the traditional vows that they’d exchanged were exactly the same ones I’d said to Jamie. Maybe I was just becoming more sentimental. Whatever the reason, I was about to lose it completely.
Breathe. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. But no matter how many times I told myself not to cry, I did it anyway. A steady stream of tears poured over my lower lids and I swiped furiously so they wouldn’t smudge my makeup. I sniffled as I wiped my hands on my dress, drying them so I could go back to my face. Just as I lifted them up for the second time, Cole took one between his own.
I looked up through blurry eyes as he placed a handkerchief into my hand.
“Mom always cries at weddings,” he whispered with a smile.
Cole didn’t say don’t cry. He didn’t care if I lost it now and then. He just gave me some extra steel for my spine in the form of a plain white hankie.
I hiccupped a laugh, taking the cloth from his hands to blot my eyes dry. Then, leaning into Cole’s side, I clutched the handkerchief and used it to keep my mascara from running as the ceremony concluded and the guests stood to clap for the newly married couple.
“She looks beautiful,” I said as my friend and her husband walked by our row.
Cole’s hand came to the small of my back as he inched closer. “So do you.”
I was a wreck. I didn’t need a mirror to know that my fair skin was splotchy from crying and my eyes were as red as my hair. But my heart still swelled with Cole’s compliment and I smiled at him over my shoulder. “Thank you.”
He lifted his hand, using his thumb to wipe a smudge on my cheek. “Want to hear a secret?”
I nodded.
He leaned down farther, pressing his warm chest against my back. His minty, cool breath feathered against my cheek as he whispered, “The guy in front of you has his fly undone.”
I blurted a laugh, though it came out more like a snort, and I turned, trying to nonchalantly check out my neighbor’s fly. Sure enough, it was undone. The blue tails of his tucked-in shirt were peeking out of his pants.
I looked back over my shoulder to a grinning Cole. With one silly joke, he’d made everything better. Jamie had always done that for me—given me brevity. Except where Jamie had always thought jokes were appropriate, Cole saved them for when the time was right.
As we slowly shuffled into the receiving line, the differences between Cole and Jamie filtered through my mind. I’d been dutifully trying not to compare the two, mostly because there wasn’t any point—this wasn’t a competition—but also because it sparked doubts about the relationship I’d had with Jamie.
He’d always been so relaxed, cavalier at times, which had driven me crazy. I’d been wondering lately how our relationship would have changed if we’d been given time. Would his constant jokes have gotten old? Would he have let go of some of his big-kid tendencies and matured? I’d always been the grown-up in our relationship. Would I have gotten sick of always having to be the adult?
No. We would have been fine. Thinking anything else just made me sad. And with laughing, happy people all around me, I didn’t want to be sad. So I brushed off those thoughts and joined Cole as he visited with the other guests while we waited to congratulate the bride and groom.
Two hours later, we’d tossed the rice, we’d listened to toasts and we’d eaten our cake.
And now, it was time for dancing.
“What do you say, pretty Poppy?” Cole’s hand skimmed my lower back as we stood by the bar. “Want to dance?”
“Sure.” Then I let the soft pressure from his fingertips guide me to the dance floor.
Cole took me in his arms with one hand gripping my hip while the other held my hand between us. My free hand slid up his chest, resting on his sternum. Underneath the thin cotton of his shirt, his heartbeat seemed fast—harder than normal. I bet if I touched my own chest, my own would match.
“Having fun?” He swayed me with the music.
I nodded. “Thanks for coming with me. I haven’t been to a wedding since . . . you know.”
“Whatever you need, I’ll be there in a heartbeat.”
I relaxed into his arms, resting my head next to my hand. When his chin hit the top of my head, I let out a sigh.
This is nice. The fairy lights above us were twinkling. The singer’s voice was soothing. And as cheesy as it sounded in my head, love was in the air. This dance with Cole was maybe the most romantic dance I’d had . . . ever.
I’d always had to beg Jamie to slow dance with me. His idea of dancing was a fast jitterbug or the bump and grind like we were at a club. The last time he’d held me close to dance had been at our wedding. Even then, he’d been so distracted—waving to people as they’d watched us—our dance hadn’t held much tenderness.
Nothing like this moment with Cole.
“What was your wedding like?”
“Hectic.” I frowned. “Jamie had no interest in wedding planning so I did it all myself. I wanted a nice, small get-together in Alaska, but Jamie wanted a big party at the ranch. We actually got in a huge fight about it and ended up doing both. We got married in Alaska and then had a party at the ranch.”
“Good compromise.”
I scoffed. “Not really. It was twice as much work as it should have been. But Jamie wasn’t known for his compromising skills. By the time it was over, we were at each other’s throats.”
As relaxed as Jamie had been, his competitive streak had been legendary. Sometimes, I think he liked to argue with me just to prove he could win. We’d get into innocent little debates that would turn into knockdown, drag-out fights because he’d never concede that I might have a point. After years together, I’d started to just let him win. I’d drop my stance and take his side to avoid the battle, even when deep down I didn’t agree.
I leaned back to look at Cole. “Did you know I love playing board games?”
“No.” He shook his head.
“Yeah, I do. But I haven’t played since college. Jamie had to win. It took all the fun out of it. I hated—”
Stop. What was I doing? Bad-mouthing my husband when he wasn’t here to defend himself? I was supposed to be honoring his
memory, not questioning everything about him. About us.
“You hated what?” Cole asked.
“Nothing.” I looked at the floor. “I shouldn’t be talking about Jamie like that. He was the best. He just liked to win and maybe I’m a sore loser.”
Cole used his finger to tip up my chin. “No one is perfect. Just because he had some faults doesn’t mean you loved him any less. We’ve all got our weaknesses. That’s what makes us human.”
“I shouldn’t be complaining about him. It’s not fair and I don’t want you to think badly about him.”
His finger left my chin as his hand framed my cheek. “I’ll never think badly about him. I’ll probably always be jealous. He had you first, and as much as I’m trying to be a grown-up about this, I’ve got a competitive streak myself. But I’ll never think badly of him. He was special to you, which makes him special to me. Weaknesses and all.”
I stared into his beautiful green eyes as the worries I’d had about Jamie all seeped away with Cole’s words. “How do you always know what to say to make me feel better?”
“I’m close to perfect.”
I smiled. “And very modest.”
He shrugged. “Modesty is for suckers.”
We both laughed and I leaned my head back against his chest to finish our dance. He’d been teasing, but from what I could tell, Cole Goodman was close to perfect. In our time together, I’d yet to discover a chink in his armor.
“What’s one of your weaknesses?”
His hand at my hip moved up my spine so his fingers could play with my hair. “You.”
I melted into him again, closing my eyes as we kept swaying. He was a weakness of mine too.
Soon, the music stopped and the couples around us came back into focus. When he offered me his arm, I looped mine with his as he escorted me back to our table.
“Do you want to stay?” he asked.
I looked around at the thinning crowd. It wasn’t late, but my friend and her new husband were inching toward the exit, ready to make a quiet escape.
“Not really.” I grabbed the clutch from my chair. “Let’s sneak out.”
Our escape was fast and the drive back to my house was quiet. I stared out my window as Cole drove, studying the stars shining brightly in the clear sky. My neighborhood didn’t have streetlights, so when I climbed down from the truck, I took a moment to look up into the midnight sky. “I’ve never been able to find the North Star.” No matter how many times someone told me the trick to finding it, I never could.
Cole joined me at my side and searched the stars. “It’s right there.”
I stepped closer, following his outstretched arm up to his pointing finger. “I still don’t see it. People always say it’s the brightest, but they all look the same to me.”
Cole chuckled, dropping his arm around my shoulders.
Even in the dark, I could see the change in his eyes. The sparkle went away as the heat took its place. It was the same heat I’d seen in his parents’ garage last week when he’d told me he wanted to kiss me.
His hand came up and, for the second time tonight, cupped my jaw. His thumb stroked across my cheek so gently that a shudder ran down my spine. And his mouth—those smooth, soft lips—began to drop.
Cole was going to kiss me. Did I want to kiss him? Yes. No. My breath started coming in pants as I flip-flopped back and forth. Cole wouldn’t do anything until I gave him a signal. All I had to do was nod or reach up a bit and he’d take it as my yes.
Except my final answer was no. I couldn’t kiss Cole. Not here. Not outside the house I shared with Jamie.
Cole sensed my decision—the one I’d made without a word—because his lips changed course and landed softly on my forehead. “Night, Poppy,” he whispered.
I closed my eyes and leaned into him even further. “Good night, Cole.”
He let me go, stepping backward twice before turning and getting into his truck.
I waved from my driveway until his taillights disappeared around the block. A slight breeze whooshed against my skin, bringing goose bumps and sending me inside. With the door locked behind me, I leaned against the wall in the entryway and slipped off my heels. Then I turned on the light and looked down the hallway that led to the living room and kitchen.
Pictures of Jamie and me lined the walls on both sides. There were pictures from college and our wedding. Pictures from our one and only year as a married couple. I glanced at the closet door on my left. I didn’t need to open it to know there were a couple of his old coats I’d kept tucked at the back, along with his favorite hat. I could wander through every room in this house and find something of Jamie’s.
This place was basically a shrine.
In the five years since I’d lost Jamie, I hadn’t changed much. All I’d done was box up some of his old things for storage and sent some clothes to charity. If I truly wanted to move on, I couldn’t do it here. Not in a place I’d spent hundreds of sleepless nights, wishing for a life I’d never have back.
Which meant if I really wanted to let go—to explore this thing with Cole—it was time for me to move.
Chapter Thirteen
34th Birthday: Jump into a pool full of green Jell-O
COLE
“Damn, I’m beat.” Dad slung his bag over a shoulder. “You could have taken it easy on me tonight, you know.”
“You held your own.” I chuckled and followed him out of the locker room.
Dad had come to the dojo for sparring tonight, something he hadn’t done in a while. And even though he’d been a little out of practice, he’d still managed to keep me on my toes. Probably because he wasn’t the only one out of practice. With everything I had going on at work, fixing up that truck for Poppy and trying to squeeze in as much time as I could to see her, this was the first time I’d been to karate in almost a month.
“Do you guys want to go for a beer?” Robert Sensei asked when we met him in the waiting room. He was all smiles because Dad and I had both made it to karate tonight and given him the chance to kick our asses.
“I could drink a beer.”
Dad nodded. “Me too. But one of you two is buying. It’s the least you can do for kicking my ass tonight.”
“Let me grab my stuff,” Robert said, then disappeared into the locker room.
Dad and I walked out to the reception area and took a seat. “I’m glad I came tonight.”
“Me too. That workout was long overdue.”
Sparring had given me the chance to release some pent-up frustration. It wasn’t how I’d preferred to burn my excess energy—having Poppy in my bed was my top choice—but since that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon, karate would have to do.
That and my own goddamn fist.
It had been a week since I’d taken Poppy to her friend’s wedding. A week since I’d nearly lost my patience and broken my promise to take it slow. A week since I’d been on the verge of kissing her senseless.
But I’d held off so she could dictate the pace.
Would she ever be as desperate for me as I was for her? Or had Jamie taken all of her passionate moments? Would she ever want me like she’d wanted him? This fucking jealousy was plaguing me. Every night, I’d go home to my empty house and remind myself over and over and over—it’s not a competition. I just wanted Poppy to be happy. But no matter how many times I reminded myself of that goal, the jealousy wouldn’t go away.
“I talked to the city manager today,” Dad said. “Your name came up a couple of times as a potential replacement for when I retire.”
I sighed. “Dad, no. I don’t think that’s the job for me.”
“You say that now, but who knows what will happen. It’s still years away, I just want you thinking about it. Just in case. Let’s not close the door to that possibility until you’re sure.”
“I am sure.”
He shrugged, still not hearing me. “There’s no harm in keeping it as an option.”
I clamped my mouth shut so I would
n’t say something I’d regret later. Dad was just looking out for me. He’d always been better at looking down the road than I was, and as much as I didn’t want his job, I didn’t want to disappoint him either. Luckily, he wasn’t retiring anytime soon. We didn’t need to wreck a perfectly good night because I’d told him how I really felt and let him down.
So we just visited about nothing as the rest of the students shuffled out of the dojo. With the last of them gone, Dad and I followed Robert outside.
“Where do you guys want to go?” I dumped my bag into the back of my truck just as I caught a flash of red out of the corner of my eye.
I know that red.
I did a double take just as Poppy disappeared into the apartment building across the street. “What the hell?”
What was she doing in a low-income apartment complex? I’d made two busts with the drug task force in that complex and it was on Bozeman PD’s regular watch list. My Poppy had no business being in that building. It was unsafe and the last place I wanted her wandering around on a Monday night.
“Cole. Earth to Cole.” Dad smacked my arm.
“Sorry. I’ll, uh . . .” I waved him off and started jogging across the parking lot. “I’ll catch up to you later!”
I heard them yell something back but I didn’t turn. I just picked up the pace, hoping I’d catch Poppy before she vanished into an apartment.
I ran across the street and straight to the glass door she’d used, ripping it open, then listening for her voice.
“This is it.” A man’s voice came from the second floor. “Like I told you on the phone. Six hundred a month plus utilities.”
“Thanks,” she said. “Can I look around?”
Was she looking to live here? Oh, fuck no. I took the stairs two at a time, hitting the second-floor landing just in time to see her walk through the doorway of an apartment.