by Harlow James
“Damn,” Shayla says while shaking her head. “And his…you know?”
“His dick?” She nods and Waverly laughs. “You know you can say the word, Shayla. We’re not little kids anymore.”
She shoves me playfully on the shoulder. “I know. It’s just…weird asking about another man’s junk when I’m married now.”
“I’m married too, but I still want to know,” Waverly adds.
“Perfect. Long, thick, and he definitely knew how to use it.”
“Well, at least if you did get pregnant, it was worth it.”
“I’d have to agree.”
* * *
Once I feel ready to exit the room, I follow my two friends out to return to the celebration. Luckily, it seems the rest of the guests weren’t paying too much attention when I ran toward the bathroom earlier, and I want to keep it that way.
I am still hungry, even though no food sounds appetizing anymore, but I find a tray of fruit on the buffet and decide to partake in a few pieces of watermelon and a croissant, figuring if they come back up, at least it shouldn’t taste too bad. Nothing like that shrimp did. Note to self: no more seafood for the time being.
While snacking on my food at my table under the tent, I decide to people watch, one of my favorite activities. But my eyes land on a family in the corner, struggling to get their toddler to sit still long enough so they can eat. The mom looks exasperated as the father drains the rest of his drink before lifting the child out of the seat and walking off, giving the mother a break.
Was this my future? Struggling to finish a meal because of a screaming child? Relying on Silas to take the kid away so I could have a moment of peace?
And then it hits me. Would Silas even want to be involved? He doesn’t seem like the type of man to run from his responsibilities, but you never know how someone will react to unexpected news—an unexpected child.
Would we co-parent? Share custody? Would he even want me to keep the baby?
Or would he want me too?
No one wants you, Chloe. Your parents didn’t, so who’s to say Silas would.
The internal demons I battle on a daily basis start throwing out their running taglines, which only has my emotions bubbling up inside again. But this time they win and a tear slips over the threshold of my eye.
“Chloe?” I lift my head to find Silas staring down at me, concern etched into the line of his face. “Are you okay?”
I swipe at the tear and try to recover before he starts asking too many questions, questions I don’t have the answers to right now. “Oh, yes. I’m fine. Something got in my eye.”
He takes a seat while studying me, clearly not buying my story. “Are you sure?”
“Yup. I’m good.” I force out a tight-lipped smile and then recover quickly. “To what do I owe the pleasure of your company, Silas?”
The corner of his mouth tips up and then he leans back in his chair. “I just wanted to say hello. I saw you earlier, but then you disappeared. I didn’t want you to think I was…avoiding you, or anything.”
Ugh, this man. Why does he have to say shit like that? And why is it making me want to cry again? Fuck these hormones.
“You don’t owe me anything, Silas, remember?” I lean forward and whisper in case anyone is eavesdropping. “We agreed to no-strings, right?”
“Well, yeah. But I don’t want things to be awkward between us. I know we’ll still cross paths since our friends are married now.”
Well, things might get very awkward if I’m carrying your baby.
“Sex is natural, Silas. You saw my vagina and I saw your dick. No one has to know that.”
He chokes on his saliva and then regains his composure. “Yes, well, that’s true. Jesus, woman…you sure do know how to tell it like it is.”
“It’s part of my charm,” I say, shrugging and then smiling in his direction.
And his eyes narrow as he smiles back at me. “That it is.”
“So, how is business?” I ask, attempting to make small talk, even though the longer I sit here, the more I’m growing uneasy. I feel like there’s a ticking time bomb in my stomach and it’s about to explode. Or rather, I’m about to suffer from a bout of verbal diarrhea and tell Silas I might be pregnant. But there’s no point in freaking him out when I don’t know for sure.
“Good. I’m making progress on the restaurant in Goleta,” he replies, reminding me that he spoke about that location back in Aruba with Grace.
“That’s very close to Santa Barbara.”
“Yes, it is. It’s nice to be home, getting to see my sisters and my grandmother.”
Oh God, his family. What will they say if I’m actually pregnant?
Suddenly, my stomach is rolling again and nerves seep deep into my bones. I can’t sit here any longer. I need to walk away before I throw up on him or say something I regret.
“That’s nice. Well, it was nice talking to you, Silas,” I say while standing swiftly, pushing in my chair. “Take care.” I spin around and start marching off.
“Chloe!” he calls out behind me, but I just wave over my shoulder and keep walking, heading straight for the bathroom, and then throwing up once more.
And I guess I was right. Watermelon coming back up doesn’t taste nearly as bad. Guess I should add that to the list of safe foods to eat for a few weeks.
* * *
I stare down at the two pink lines on the test sitting on my bathroom counter, taking note of how quickly they appeared. I contemplated being one of those women who sets a timer on their phone and walking away from the test, but deep down, I knew the answer. My cycle has always been regular and I’ve been throwing up like clockwork for the past two days. Plus, as soon as I set it down and washed my hands, the lines appeared. There wasn’t even time for me to walk away and wait.
“Fuck.” Tears well in my eyes as I grab my phone and dial the first and only person I have to tell, besides Silas. Jesus, how do I tell him this?
“Chloe?” Shayla answers on the first ring, which doesn’t surprise me since she knew I was taking a test today. She offered to take the day off from work and be here, but I told her no. Shayla is my family, my best friend, and I know I’m going to need to lean on her a lot now, but this was something I needed to do on my own.
“So, you’re going to be an aunt,” I declare, sniffling away from the phone to hide my reaction. And here’s the thing, I don’t even know why I’m crying. Am I sad? Maybe a little. Am I happy? I guess I should be. But these feel more like tears from fear.
“Oh my God, Chloe!” she screams full of excitement. “I knew it!”
“Yeah, I did too. I just don’t think I wanted to accept it.”
“Are you… are you okay?” The thrill in her voice turns to worry in a flash. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be celebrating something if you’re not happy about it.”
I sigh and leave the bathroom, heading into my room where I lie down on my bed, curling up on my side. “I’m not sure how I feel about it yet, Shayla. This is…”
“I know. It’s a lot.”
“I didn’t plan this. A baby? That’s the last fucking thing on my mind. And this doesn’t just change my life, it changes Silas’s too.”
“Damn. You have to tell him now, huh?”
“Eventually. I just don’t know how to have that conversation. ‘Hey, thanks for fucking my brains out a few months ago after I basically threw myself at you. But guess what? We made a baby that night and now you’re going to be a daddy!’ It just sounds like I trapped him.”
“Chloe, shit happens, and I don’t think Silas will react that way.”
“How do you know? We barely know him, Shayla. All I know is he has the body of a God, the most beautiful penis I’ve ever seen or had inside of me, and he has three younger sisters and runs a restaurant empire.”
“That’s a lot more than some people know about their one-night-stands,” she counters.
“Yes, but doesn’t that sound like a man that is going to shit
his pants when I tell him?”
She sighs. “I can’t speculate what his reaction is going to be, and neither can you. But you have to tell him.”
“Maybe I’ll just wait for the baby to grow up and start talking. I’ll let the baby tell him.”
She chuckles. “Referencing Friends again?”
“You know, Rachel was on to something with that line of thinking.”
“Chloe…”
“I know, Shayla. Please don’t get all motherly on me. You know, ever since you got married, you’re no fun anymore. You softened up too. Where’s the fiery girl I met back in middle school who was always down for a good time?”
“I’m still her, Chloe. I’ve just…grown up a bit, that’s all. And guess what? Now it’s your turn.”
“Don’t I fucking know it,” I grumble. “I can’t be a mom, Shayla. I don’t even know what having a mom looks like,” I say, attempting to recall any memory of my own mother that I can. But the few I have are from such a long time ago, and they’re pretty fuzzy. I guess that’s what happens when both of your parents die from a drug overdose when you’re ten and you’re thrown into the foster care system.
I bounced around a few foster homes until I turned fourteen, and then got thrown into group home after group home. No one wants to adopt a teenager with issues. They want babies that they can groom and raise from birth, so I remained alone until I turned eighteen and Shayla and I moved to Santa Barbara with nothing but a few boxes in the backseat of her car.
Shayla has always been my family, the only person I have ever been able to count on, the only person that knows the real me.
“Aw, Chloe,” she says, and I can hear the emotion in her voice, which only makes more tears form in my eyes. “You can do this. I didn’t have that great of an example to follow either, but you are the strongest person I know. You are going to be an incredible mom because you love with your whole heart. And I’m here. I will always be here.” I wipe my nose with the back of my hand. “God, I wish I were there to hug you right now, Chloe. Please don’t cry. Just remember…you’ve got to keep swimming.”
“Are you quoting Finding Nemo right now?”
“I was hoping it would make you laugh.”
“You know I love that fucking movie.”
“Yes, I do.”
“Yeah, I don’t know what I was thinking, not letting you be here for this. I’m freaking the fuck out, Shayla.”
“Just breathe. You have time to figure everything out. Take today to relax and get some rest. I know the morning sickness has been kicking your ass.” And it has. I’ve never felt so sick in my life. I’m nauseous all day and am having trouble keeping anything down. “And you need to make an appointment to see your gynecologist.”
“Yes, Mom.”
“Might want to Google what to do until you get in to see your doctor too. Do you have any idea what your due date might be?”
“I literally just took the test, Shayla. I need a minute to process this.”
“I know, I’m just saying. You should have some idea, right?”
Of course I’ve thought about it over the past two days. All of a sudden, everything seems to be thoughts of dates and timelines I’ll be crossing over the next seven months. “Sometime in March since your wedding was in June.”
“I still can’t believe you slept with him and didn’t tell me.” She teases.
“Well, sometimes a girl just doesn’t like to kiss and tell.”
“Not you. You’re always willing to discuss your sex life. And he gave you three orgasms? I’m shocked you didn’t tell me about that unless…” she pauses and then sucks in a harsh breath as I wince. Damn the woman knows me too well. “Chloe…do you…have feelings for him?”
I laugh a little too forcefully. “I don’t do feelings, Shayla. We just agreed to keep things between us, especially since we didn’t want it to become a big deal with our extremely nosy friends,” I chastise her.
“Huh. Yeah, okay. But something tells me there’s more to it than that.”
“Well, it doesn’t matter. Now there’s a baby coming sooner rather than later and that needs to be the focus.”
“So…you’re sure you’re going to keep it?” she asks reluctantly. And I’d be lying if the thought hadn’t crossed my mind in the past forty-eight hours.
A child was not in my plans. And I don’t have plans for my life. Hell, I never thought I’d be the type to get married and have a family at all. That’s just not something I envisioned for myself, and I never wanted to end up like my parents and leave a child behind, or make them feel unloved.
“Yes, Shayla. I’m keeping my baby. I just don’t think I could go through with an abortion. I know there are women who do for various reasons, and not to shame them, but I’d feel too guilty. And I know what it’s like to not have a family, or feel unwanted, so adoption is out of the question.” And as scary as this is, I can’t help but think that maybe this happened for a reason—like I’m getting a chance to break the cycle that my parents started with me—raising a child in a healthy environment and giving it all the love I never got.
Damn, these hormones are making me extremely analytical and reflective. I need a drink to deal with this shit.
Oh, but there will be no more drinking for you for a while, Chloe.
Fuck.
“I’m just making sure. You know it’s my duty as the best friend to ask the tough questions.”
“I feel like you’re not even close to being done with that responsibility either.”
“Nope. So, here’s the next one? When are you going to tell Silas?”
As if I haven’t been thinking the same thing. Just sitting near him at the wedding, knowing I was keeping a secret from him even though I didn’t truly know the answer, was enough to have me avoiding the problem.
But I can’t avoid this any longer. There’s a baby coming and that is a timeline I have no control over.
“I don’t know, Shayla. I’ll… I’ll figure it out. I don’t even have his phone number.”
“That’s an easy problem to solve. I can get it from Wes.”
“And tell him what? That you need it so I can tell him I’m pregnant?” And then another thought hits me as I launch up in bed. “You haven’t told Wes yet, have you? I don’t want him saying anything to Silas before I can. Or worse, Hayes. Hayes has a big, fat mouth.”
“No, I haven’t said anything, Chloe. What kind of friend do you think I am?”
“The kind that is married now and tells her husband everything.”
She laughs. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s going to be hard to keep this from him, and the man can read me like a book, so I’m sure he’ll sense something’s up. But I promise, I’ll keep it close to the belt.” She pauses and then gasps. “Oh! I know! Why don’t I ask for his number to invite him to a game night? Waverly and I have been wanting to have one with all six of us, and it would be the perfect opportunity for you to see him and to tell him.”
“I’m not going to tell him in front of everyone. That would be like kicking him in the balls in front of everyone. He wouldn’t even be expecting it and then he’d be caught off-guard while holding his nut sack.”
Shayla laughs. “Obviously you can tell him in private. But this way, it’s just more natural to be in the same space instead of calling him up and asking him to meet, just the two of you. That might freak him out.”
The woman does have a point. I told Silas I wouldn’t be that girl that bothers him, so this could work out well. He’s still going to be shocked, but at least the conversation can happen naturally and I can still pull him to the side to have it.
“Newsflash. The man will probably be freaked out either way, but whatever. I’m in. As long as you have buffalo wings, I’m there.” Suddenly, the strangest craving for buffalo wings assaults my taste buds and my stomach growls. Given that I haven’t really eaten anything today, I should probably find something I can keep down soon.
“Buffalo wings it i
s. I’ll text everyone and let them know the time, and then you’ll have me there for support in case things don’t go well.”
I lie back down again and stare up at the ceiling. “Thank you. This…this is going to be okay, right Shayla?”
“Yes, Chloe. It will. And I know you’re freaking out, but I am so excited to hold this little baby! I’m going to be an auntie! I didn’t ever think I would be one. I don’t have any siblings, you know. And no offense, but I never took you for the settling down type.”
“Tell me how you really feel,” I mock her.
“Don’t sit there and pretend you didn’t feel the same way or say those exact words before.”
“I know. You’re right. This isn’t what I wanted, but I guess life had other plans.”
“Yup. You’re about to embark on a crazy adventure, and I’ll be here every step of the way. Okay, I need to get back to work. We have several classes tonight at the facility and I need to make sure everything is ready before I head home.” Shayla works at the Wings & Wheels facility that Wes built for his younger half-brother, Nolan. Nolan is paralyzed from the waist down from an accident when he was younger. Wes built a center for him and kids like him with varying disabilities, and my best friend now helps run it.
“Yeah, okay. I’ll let you go.”
“I love you, Chloe. Everything is going to be alright.”
“Love you too, Shayla,” I say before ending the call. Letting out one more heavy sigh which only mimics the heaviness resting on my chest right now, I stand up and head for my kitchen in the apartment I used to share with Shayla.
Trying to decide on something to eat right now is a tougher decision than figuring out what I’m going to say to Silas. I can’t even go grocery shopping because something that sounds good in the store might not the next day. I end up calling for a delivery of buffalo wings from a local pizza joint, and by the time they arrive the craving is still there, which I take full advantage of as I scarf them down while watching Bridgerton on Netflix.
“If a man got off that fast and didn’t make me come, I’d be kicking him in the dick!” I shout at the television around a mouthful of chicken wings. Sex portrayed in television shows and books is so far off from reality sometimes. Any self-respecting woman will admit that it takes a whole lot of work to get off and almost always a toy is involved. I feel bad for the girls and young women who watch this stuff and expect to have an orgasm in less than five minutes from just the man’s dick. When are we going to start normalizing what sex is really like in our culture?