by Harlow James
And I lose it. My body convulses with sobs as Dr. Wilson lays my son on my chest, his tiny body covered in all sorts of fluids—but to me, he looks perfect. Beautiful. A certified miracle.
“He’s here,” Silas murmurs beside me as we both stare at his squishy face, his full head of dark hair and the wrinkles and dimples in his skin and hands.
“He’s perfect.” I stroke the side of his face with my finger just as his cries subside and one of his eyes pops open.
And I’m gone. Done. Will never be the same again as my son looks at me for the first time and every ounce of purpose I have in this life filters between the two of us.
This human is part of me and his dad and I will love him with every fiber of my body and soul.
But then he starts to blur and I hear panic in Dr. Wilson’s voice.
“Nina! I need more gauze.”
“What’s happening?” I hear Silas say as my ears start to ring and I feel my eyes lower. “Chloe? Chloe! CHLOE!”
And then my world goes black.
Chapter 17
Silas
He’s here.
And I’ve never heard a more beautiful sound in my life.
His cries carry over all of the other noise in the room as my eyes land on his small form just as Dr. Wilson places him gently on Chloe’s chest.
“I can’t believe he’s here,” I declare out loud this time, memorizing everything about this moment—how he looks, how I feel, how beautiful Chloe looks with our baby on her chest. Her hair is matted to her forehead from sweat, her face is red and she looks exhausted—but to me, she’s never looked more gorgeous.
The De Luca genes are definitely prominent in our son, his dark hair standing out for sure. But for some reason those dimples in the top of his hand on top of his knuckles are my favorite feature so far. My eyes are moving so rapidly over him, trying to take in every detail as time stands still around us.
I’m amazed, in awe from experiencing life being brought into the world, such a contrast to the pain it feels when someone leaves us.
Seeing my son almost heals all of the cracks from losing my parents and Nonno, the obstacles Chloe and I have overcome together, the isolation I felt before this woman gave me a child and a love that I never imagined could be the purpose for my existence.
“He’s perfect,” she murmurs as she drags her fingers down the soft skin of his cheek, and at that moment his cries start to subside before his eye pops open and locks onto Chloe right in front of me.
Air leaves my lungs and reality freezes as I take a mental snapshot of my son and his mother meeting each other for the first time.
Chloe smiles, but the panic in Dr. Wilson’s voice pulls me from the life-changing moment. “Nina. I need more gauze.”
Spinning my head toward her, I see her moving between Chloe’s legs, blood covering her hands and the sleeves of her blue scrub gown.
“What’s happening?” I ask as adrenaline rushes through me and my body starts to shake from the pounding of my heart.
But Dr. Wilson doesn’t answer me, her hands moving rapidly below the sheet draped over Chloe’s legs, so I turn back just in time to see Chloe’s eyes start to roll into the back of her head and her face turn stark white.
“Chloe? Chloe! CHLOE!” My voice booms against the walls of the room as her body goes slack and I reach on instinct to hold the baby in place so he doesn’t roll off of her chest.
“Silas, you need to move.” Dr. Wilson commands, but I’ll be damned if I’m leaving Chloe and my son at this moment. “Someone get him out of here.”
“What is happening?” I shout again as one of the nurses comes over to grab the baby and another starts to lead me away from the bed toward the door. “No!” I try to shove her off, but one of the male nurses who’s not as big as me, but definitely strong enough to move me, steps in and tries to keep me at bay.
“Silas, we need you to wait outside.”
“Will someone tell me what the fuck is going on? Where’s the baby? Chloe!”
“The baby is fine. We’ve got him. But Chloe is losing a lot of blood right now. We need to tend to her.”
“What?” My eyes lock on his as I see worry gracing every line in his face.
“Please wait outside until we get the situation under control.”
“I can’t fucking leave them!” My hands reach up to yank on the strands of my hair. “I can’t lose her!”
I feel my body being pressed out of the room, but my instinct is to race back inside, clutch onto her and hold my breath as the life is literally draining from her body.
“We’ve got her, Silas. The doctor and nurses are doing everything they can.” He leads me to a chair as I hear footsteps come up beside me.
“Silas!” Nonna rushes over as she takes in the panic on my face. “What’s going on?”
“Chloe…” I start to speak, but then the words freeze on the tip of my tongue.
“I’ll be out to give you an update in a minute,” the nurse tells me again before spinning around and running right back into the room.
“What’s going on? Is the baby here?”
I nod but my body is shaking, my eyes welling with moisture as I lock my hands together, rest my forearms on my legs, and lean forward to breathe and pray—pray to my parents and Nonno to please watch over her, pray to God that nothing happens to her or the baby, pray to anyone that will listen not to take her away from me too.
I finally accepted love, accepted this family that I never thought I wanted but now know I need more than anything, and I can’t help but wonder if life could be this cruel to rob me of this person too.
I feel Nonna’s hand land on my shoulder, but I can’t speak, I can’t look at her because if I do, that means that this is really happening—that what is supposed to be the most incredible moment of my life might also be one of the worst.
“Keep praying, mio nipote,” she tells me, rubbing my back softly and then murmuring her own prayers in Italian.
My body is so tight, my chest so constricted that I feel like I’m on the verge of passing out from the anguish I feel, the intensity of the fear.
I’ve never been this afraid in my life, and this circumstance is only escalating that worry with each passing moment where I’m kept out here in the dark.
I can hear the pounding of my heart in my ears, feel the clench of my jaw so tight that a headache is mounting in my temples, taste the bitterness that I’ll live with forever if she doesn’t live.
If she dies, I don’t know how I’ll do this.
I can’t live without her.
After what feels like hours but really only minutes, Dr. Wilson comes out of the room, covered in Chloe’s blood. I’m afraid to look her in the eyes, afraid to hear the words that will filter out into the universe and can never be taken back.
But this is a defining moment—a speck of time that will alter my world forever.
And it’s time to face it.
“Silas,” she says, her voice cutting out but latching onto my heart as my eyes flick up and find hers. “I’m so sorry…”
* * *
“Hey, little man.” I stroke my finger down my son’s cheek, admiring how much he looks like the perfect blend of me and Chloe. His eyes start to flicker open, which only cues more tears to fall from mine. “Looks like it’s just you and me, bud.”
My heart lurches in my chest at the thought of being alone with him for the first time, knowing it won’t be the last. Suddenly all of these pivotal moments in his life run through my mind—his first word, his first steps, his first broken bone, and first date—and it scares the shit out of me that Chloe wouldn’t have been a part of them.
“I’ll never let you down, Santino. I’ll always protect you. I’ll always be there for you, no matter what. I promise.”
“He’ll probably bulldoze you too, but don’t worry, that’s what I’ll be there for.”
I spin around in my spot to see Chloe’s eyes lift and a slow smile spread
across her lips, a smile that I thought I would have to live without the moment I saw Dr. Wilson come out of that room. She’s weak, not nearly as spunky as she normally would be, but she’s here.
She’s alive.
I get to keep my family together.
“You can try to fight me all you want, but you know I’ll win most of the time,” I say, walking slowly over to the bed while still holding our son as he drifts back to sleep in my arms.
“Just keep telling yourself that.” She smirks, blinking slowly, and then moves to sit up higher in the bed, but I rush over to stop her.
“Hey, don’t move, okay? The doctor said you’re going to be sore for a while.”
“I wanna see my baby.” Tears start to fill her eyes and her bottom lip trembles. “I need to hold him, Silas.”
“Okay, hold on.” I gently place him in the clear plastic bed on wheels they rolled him into the room on, and then move to grab the remote to Chloe’s bed, pushing the button that will lift the top half of her torso so she can sit up more. As soon as she’s in position and I make sure she’s comfortable, I reach back in for the baby and carefully place him in her arms as she hovers over him, clutching him to her chest, letting gobs of salty droplets fall from her eyes.
“Hey, baby boy,” she cries through her tears. “Thanks for coming out of me.”
“You did so good, Chloe. He’s so fucking perfect,” I tell her as I exhale on a shaky breath.
“He is, isn’t he?” Her gaze is locked on our son, but I don’t blame her. I can’t stop staring at him either.
“Absolutely.”
“And he looks like a Santino. I’m glad we waited to decide.”
“Me too.”
She places a gentle kiss on his forehead, and then gazes up at me. “What happened, Silas? The last thing I remember is him on my chest and then everything went black.”
I take a deep breath, preparing to live through one of the scariest moments of my life. “You started hemorrhaging, Chloe. Apparently our little baby hulk here tore your cervix when he came out. There was so much blood,” I breathe out, shaking my head at the reminder. I will never forget what that looked like.
“Well, since I’m alive and speaking, I take it everything is okay?”
“Knock, knock.” Both of our heads turn toward the door as Dr. Wilson walks through, landing in her stance at the foot of the bed. “How are you feeling, Chloe?”
She winces and then tries to adjust herself to ease her discomfort. “Better now that I have my baby in my arms, Doc, but really sore.”
She smiles and then places her hands in her coat pocket. “Glad to hear. Did Silas tell you what happened?”
Chloe nods somberly. “Yeah, just now. Is everything okay?”
Dr. Wilson bobs her head up and down. “Thankfully, yes. Your nine pound baby tore your cervix pretty good, which caused excessive bleeding. We were able to stitch you up and get control of it pretty fast, which was vital. Ideally, you should be healed up in about ten days internally, but you may still be sore for a while.”
“Will there be…complications?”
“Very unlikely. It doesn’t happen often, but cervical tears should heal just fine and not prevent any other pregnancy issues moving forward. Although, if you two decide on another one, we may want to watch the size of your baby again and opt for a c-section next time to prevent further tearing. This little guy was just a little too big for your body.”
“Well, look at his dad,” Chloe says while tossing her thumb in my direction.
Dr. Wilson chuckles. “I’m aware. I just wanted to check up on you, and offer my congratulations again. And Silas, again…I’m sorry for having to kick you out of here, but when complications arise, it’s best if the dad is out of the room while I work.” She shrugs.
“I get it. No hard feelings, Doc. And thank you again,” I say while looking down at Chloe and my son. “For everything.”
“You’re very welcome. Enjoy parenthood, you two.” She waves and then leaves the room just as Santino begins to fuss.
“So I wanted to talk to you about something,” I start as the baby’s cries get louder.
“Do you think he’s hungry?” Chloe asks, looking between me and the baby.
“Possibly. Do you want to try feeding him?”
She nods enthusiastically, reaching up with her free hand to pull down her gown. I quickly help her pull it down to expose her breast, and then she carefully places her nipple near the baby’s mouth.
And my son—the champ and tit man that he already is—latches on instantly, sucking away as Chloe and I stare down at him while he eats.
There’s nothing more beautiful and natural to me than this.
“Okay, what were you saying?” she asks, flicking her eyes up to me briefly before landing right back on Santino.
But all of the words I had planned to say fall to the wayside as I blurt out, “I want to marry you.”
“What?” Her head twists up to lock her eyes with mine.
“Will you marry me, Chloe?”
“Mother fucker!” She winces and then turns back to the baby where his entire face is buried in her breast and my heart lurches from losing her attention. “Oh my God, this hurts!”
“What does?”
“I swear, this kid is trying to suck my soul out of my body through my boob right now!”
I blow out a breath. “Do you want me to call in a nurse?”
She hisses again. “Maybe. I don’t think it’s supposed to hurt like this.”
I kiss her on the forehead before standing to leave to grab someone. “I’ll be right back.”
“Okay. Hurry please.”
Like the cliché image of a new dad that has no idea what to do, I frantically search the halls for a nurse to come in and help Chloe. It only takes one look from the nurse sitting at the nurse’s station to stride toward me and lead me back into the room. She helps Chloe and the baby latch correctly, and explains some tips for being able to breastfeed him successfully. The explanation helps, but apparently a little pain is part of the game when it comes to nursing.
“Well, that’s better,” Chloe sighs in relief, resting her head against the pillow as Santino continues to eat like a happy little man, suckling in and out of sleep.
“So, about that question I was asking…”
Her head pops up again and she stares at me with wide eyes. “Oh my God, Silas. I’m so sorry. I heard you, I did…but the only thing that hit my mind at that moment was the shooting pain going through my nipple.”
This woman. Fuck, she makes me laugh. Life will never be boring with her. “It’s okay. But for the sake of the story we’ll tell our children and grandchildren, I’d better try this again.”
Chloe’s lips spread wide as she leans closer to me, her mouth just a few inches from mine. “It has to sound like a fairytale, Silas.”
“It’s definitely not a traditional one, but it’s ours, Chloe. We made it ours.”
Her eyes fill with tears. “Yes, we did.”
“So what do you say…will you marry me, Chloe Pierce? Will you be my wife, my queen, my real life happy ever after?”
She nods before whispering, “Abso-fucking-lutely.”
With the biggest smile on my face, I lean in and kiss my future wife, the mother of my child, and the woman who gave me my unexpected family.
Chapter 18
Chloe
“So what do you think, Nonna?”
My eyes are locked on the sight of Silas’s grandmother holding both of her newest great-grandbabies, one in each arm. Valentina delivered her baby just three days after Santino was born. She was jealous that I was due after her, but ended up delivering first. I know she was just joking, but the competitive person that I am was silently grinning on the inside.
And now that I see our babies together, I’m already anxious for our kids to grow up alongside one another and be the best of friends.
I never had cousins, but my son is going to have a bu
nch. And damn, does that make me want to cry some more.
“My heart has never been so full.” Nonna’s eyes mist over, which then triggers mine to do the same. “You did good, mio nipote,” she says, glancing up at Silas who is sitting on the arm of the chair where she’s sitting.
“Yeah, I did.”
“Uh, what about Chloe and me?” Valentina interjects. “Pretty sure we’re the ones that birthed those beautiful babies.”
I raise my hand in the air. “I second that notion.”
“You’ve all made me one happy Nonna, okay?” She glances at all of us around the room, her face reflecting her joy for the family all together and growing.
“Well, I for one, am glad that you two are popping out babies to appease Nonna right now, because it’s gonna be a while before she gets one from me,” Mia says, walking back into the living room from the kitchen.
“True story,” Bianca adds.
“Well, believe me…as much as I love that little guy, I never knew a level of elation and exhaustion as I do now until he was born.” Silas and I make eye contact, knowing we’re thinking the same thing.
Seven days ago I was released from the hospital, eager to get home and start our lives as parents. But one night in and I realized this wasn’t going to be smooth sailing. My precious little man has his days and nights mixed up right now. Two nights ago he was up screaming for almost four hours. Silas and I looked at each other like we weren’t sure his crying was normal, or if we would need someone to perform an exorcism on him. I started crying, claiming I couldn’t do this, that I was his mother and couldn’t even get him to sleep. Naturally, Silas stepped in and calmed me down, but it has definitely been rough—especially with trying to heal from my cervical tear and breastfeeding while my nipples crack and bleed after each time he eats.
Motherhood and healing from childbirth is just fucking beautiful, isn’t it?
“It’s always hard in the beginning,” Valentina adds, smiling over at me from her chair. I actually called her after that long night and asked her for advice. Surprisingly, her little boy was up doing the same thing that night, so that made me feel a little better. And Silas was proud of me for asking her for help. I figured she knows more than I do, so I might as well take advantage of her advice instead of fighting it anymore. Besides, those pregnancy and baby books don’t tell you shit about what to do when your kid is crying for four fucking hours.