Her smile faded as she met his gaze. She didn’t miss a step, but the moment changed. “We were busy doing other things,” she told him.
Her lips were right there, lifted up to him, no longer talking, and he was lowering his head to them before he realized it.
Stella, whose arms and legs had been haphazardly flinging as he’d learned was normal for babies of that age, kneed him in the rib. It didn’t hurt. Barely touched him, really, but the little love tap reminded him why he was there. Who he was.
And who he wasn’t.
* * *
They were late getting back on Thursday and Nolan had to take off as soon as he parked the SUV in her lot. She’d offered to drop him off at his hotel, but he hadn’t wanted to take any chances on being seen by his band members. She was at the passenger car door, directly behind his driver’s door, unbuckling Stella’s removable carrier, when he handed her the keys.
Turning, she took them, and then froze as he leaned in, kissed her cheek, gave Stella’s foot a gentle little tug and left without another word.
She watched his back until he disappeared from sight.
Inside, she saw a note from Carmela telling her that her friend was at the library for the evening.
She bathed Stella, dressed her in a gray onesie with white hearts and pink trim around the neck and long sleeves, and an hour later was still shaking inside.
Putting Stella in her swing, she picked up her phone, searched the new contact for Nolan Fortune and pushed to text.
We need to talk.
She could picture him, standing in his hotel room—she’d only allow him still dressed in the day’s black jeans and red button-down shirt, not going into or coming from the shower—phone in hand, reading her text.
Could she do it? Could she be his secret?
Have bimonthly visits from a man who lived a life she knew very little about?
She could look up the New Orleans Fortunes on the internet. But Lizzie hadn’t wanted to become an internet stalker. Hadn’t wanted to see Nolan’s life laid bare before her on-screen.
Couldn’t bear to open that door.
As long as there was a possibility that she could raise Stella outside of the hoopla, the privileged environment, she would fight to do so.
She just wanted Stella to know how it felt to be an average person before she was consumed by the elite and powerful.
Her phone vibrated in her hand.
Tonight after the last set? If you call at midnight, I’ll pick up.
The first time they’d made love had been on a night that had started like that—her calling him after the last set to invite him up to her place. Carmela had been gone and she’d thrown caution and all her years of introversion and conservative upbringing to the wind and invited a man she barely knew to her apartment.
But it hadn’t felt like she’d barely known him. It had felt as though he’d been her soul mate.
Trembling, fighting something she knew she couldn’t have, a temptation she didn’t dare allow, she didn’t text back.
Talking at night made sense. With Stella, and being out and about as they were when they were together during the day, there was always the chance they’d be interrupted. Besides, over the phone was much safer than in person.
She wanted to be able to just do it. To call him in the intimacy of late-night privacy, and work things out. She needed to be able to. She was just so damned scared. Out of her wits. What if she really did love him?
A ghost?
Could she live with herself if she became his occasional lover, knowing that eventually he’d marry someone else and produce legitimate heirs for his parents?
She was already behaving in ways that made her ashamed of herself. Hogging Stella as she mostly did. Grabbing the baby up before he could.
He backed away every time. Allowing her to be the boss where their daughter was concerned, which made her feel even more selfish.
Nolan was treating them like gold. Willing to provide everything and take very little. His caring ripped at the walls she’d built around her heart. A look in his eye had melted a year’s worth of ice.
But how did she agree to any kind of relationship with a man she didn’t trust?
* * *
Nolan broke with his general practice and had a beer during the first set. He just needed a little help to relax, to slide deeply enough into his music to give the audience what they’d come to hear.
On break, he switched to ice water. He was swabbing his horn when his phone buzzed a text, and he was on it in a heartbeat.
Thank you, son! See you soon!
His mother. Responding to his text from earlier in the day.
He opened the text from Lizzie again, checked again to see the notation that his response had been delivered...and saw nothing further from her.
We have to talk wasn’t usually a good thing.
He swabbed his horn again, checked his low EB pad for moisture when his phone buzzed again.
His heart tripped a beat when he saw the new text icon on his screen.
She’d sent a picture of him holding Stella—obviously taken the day before since that was the only time he’d ever held the baby. He hadn’t known she’d snapped the shot, wanted immediately to set it as his wallpaper, but he’d told her he wouldn’t say anything about having a daughter.
So he spent the rest of his break looking at his phone, again and again, studying the picture of that tiny bundle in his arms, so filled with love for her he could hardly breathe, and trying to convince himself that whatever talk he and Lizzie needed to have had to be okay. He hoped to God she wasn’t planning to tell him goodbye.
* * *
Lizzie tried to be asleep before midnight. Stella ate at nine and was out. She shouldn’t be up again for another three hours at least. The night before she’d made it almost all night—maybe because of all the daytime stimulation she was getting.
She drank chamomile tea—her doctor had told her it was a healthy herb for both her and Stella while she was nursing. The usual calming effects were lost on her that night.
A hot bath didn’t help. It just made her hotter for Nolan.
And Carmela had gone to bed early because she had to be up at six to help with some project at the architectural firm.
At a quarter past twelve, she gave up trying to fight with herself. The talk had to happen. There was no point in prolonging the inevitable. When a bandage needed to come off, it was best just to rip it quickly.
She climbed out of bed, pulled on a fleece robe over her white cotton pajama pants and short matching T-shirt, headed into the bathroom adjoining her room, turned on the fan and shut the door. No point in risking waking Stella. Dropping down to the thick, shaggy beige throw rug on the floor, she opened the text message she’d sent to Nolan and hit Call.
“I’m just heading out of the club,” he told her, picking up on the first ring.
At least he wasn’t already back at the hotel—in bed, which was what she’d feared if she’d put off the call too long.
Picturing him dressed in the jeans and black T-shirt and leather vest he wore to play, walking down a street filled with bars and partyers, was much better on her brain.
“First, I’m sorry I’m being so possessive where Stella is concerned,” she said, getting the words out almost exactly how they’d been rehearsed. “No matter what, she’s your daughter, too, and if you want to hold her, you have every right to do so.”
“I’m barging in after the fact, Liz. You’ve done all the work, have the routine. You’re the one who takes care of her. It’s your say.”
He was too damned understanding. Too nice. And if that was the father Stella knew, if, during their times together, whenever he could make it to Austin, this was the only side she ever knew of him, would that be so bad?
“Is Carmela home?�
� he asked when she just sat there, wishing she knew what to do.
“Yes.” That one was easy. She had her protection right there in the next room. No way he could come up and climb into her bed with her.
“Good. Then can you come down? I’m outside.”
He’d walked to her place rather than his hotel? Trembling overtook her again.
“You said we need to talk. Obviously not about the weather. I figure it’s best if we do it face-to-face. No more secrets.”
He had a point. But she wasn’t dressed and Carmela had to be up early.
Even as she was rounding up her defenses, Lizzie was in her room, checking on the baby, who was sound asleep.
“Okay,” she said softly. “Give me a few minutes.”
Hanging up, she pulled on orange sweats, a T-shirt and a dark blue hoodie, which she zipped almost to the chin. She stopped in Carmela’s room, just letting her friend know she was stepping outside to talk to Nolan for a few, and when Carmela sat up, she pushed her friend gently by the shoulder. “Go back to sleep,” she said. “I just wanted you to know I’m not here in case Stella cries. But I’m taking the monitor with me.”
She wasn’t going anywhere with him. And the talk wasn’t going to take long.
“Be careful, Liz.”
“Always.”
Carmela’s worried glance followed her to the door.
Chapter Fourteen
Watching as Lizzie walked out toward the parking lot where he waited for her, he was reminded of the few mornings last year he’d been lucky enough to wake up next to her. He wanted to kiss her. To take her in his arms, hold her tight and not let go.
“Hey,” she said, walking with him to a pony wall that separated a grassy area from the sidewalk.
“Hey.” He sat with her, his shoulder touching hers purposefully. She scooted down, clearly stating her purpose.
In his short-sleeved black T-shirt, with the jeans and black boots, he could have fit into any bar in the area. His family wouldn’t recognize him.
“You asked me what my parameters would be if you were to buy a place here and I were to live in it with Stella.”
Thank God. She wasn’t saying goodbye. That in itself was a relief. “Absolutely. Tell me what you need.”
Back in New Orleans, he knew how to keep business partners happy. To keep his family happy. This moment felt more important than either of those.
“First, my name and only my name would have to be on the deed.”
He’d planned on both their names. But he wanted her happy. “Done.”
“I choose the place. I won’t live in some fancy neighborhood where I constantly feel out of place. Where my car will stick out and people will raise their eyebrows.”
He’d have liked to have her in an upscale house in a part of town where she’d be looked after in his absence.
“As long as it’s safe, with safe neighborhoods all around, fine.”
His negotiating skills, usually a strongpoint, sucked.
“When you’re in town, using the house, you’ll have to let me know your schedule. No just popping in and out unannounced.”
She was seriously considering his offer. He held back a grin. “Fine.”
“You’d have your own set of rooms, and be responsible for keeping them clean.”
He’d figured he’d be hiring a housekeeper, but chose to keep that conversation for another time.
“Yep.”
Relief was almost as much of a high as sitting there with the woman in his dreams, knowing that they had a child together.
They could spend the rest of his time in town looking at places. Or at least as long as it took to have an accepted contract on one. He wanted it done before his ten days with her were through. To know they were settled and safe. To know he could see them every possible chance he got. He wanted to have a place to come home to twice in January.
Resisting the urge to take her hand, to kiss the palm, and then the rest of her, he shoved his fingers under his thighs, trapping them against hard, cold cement.
“There will be no physical relationship between us of any kind.”
Breath seeped out of him at her words. He couldn’t speak until he took a moment to let his lungs refill.
He had to be honest with her about what he wanted—what he hoped for between them. He was pretty sure he’d used up his allotment of lying to her for the rest of their lives.
“Can I just add a caveat that if at any time in the future things change with our situation and we are both fully consenting, we can reopen the physical relationship dialogue?”
“I’m not going to change, Nolan.”
“I’m not saying you are.” He glanced over at her, unable to make out her expression with her long hair falling on either side of her face. “I told you I would be completely honest with you. And, in all honesty, I’m finding you every bit as irresistible now as I ever did.” He felt her stiffen, and back-pedaled. “I’m not saying I want to have sex with you,” he added. “I agree one hundred percent that it would be a stupid idea at this point in our lives. But I need you to know that the feelings I had for you last year, sexual and otherwise...they’re still here.”
Taking a deep breath when he feared that he’d scared her off, he added, “I’m just saying that if, sometime in the future, something changes, I might want to mention it to you.”
“I can’t have you in my home, staying there, with this...this...possibility...hanging there between us.”
He understood. Totally. Wished he didn’t.
“I know.”
“So you agree. No possibility of sex.”
“I agree because I also want what’s best for our daughter.”
Pressing his fingers against the wall beneath him, he waited in the darkness. It was cool out. Low sixties, maybe colder. He shouldn’t be sweating.
“Okay. As long as you agree to leave if things get out of hand, if I start to feel uncomfortable with you there. You know, sexually. Like pressured or something.”
Okay!
He brushed off the agreeing-to-leave part. He’d do it. He just didn’t have to linger on the idea.
She might date someday. Even as quiet and shy as she was, her beauty couldn’t help but attract male attention. Once Stella was a little older and...
He shut the door on those thoughts. No sense borrowing trouble.
He was going to get her to agree to letting him buy her a house—one that would be a home to him, too, twice a month or so, when he came to visit his daughter and the mother of his child. At the moment he couldn’t imagine a better gift.
She wouldn’t have to work so hard. And she’d be able to spend as much time with Stella as she wanted, could enjoy life more than she’d ever been able to do before.
She didn’t trust him. He got that.
But he was still in love with her. He got that, too. And a part of him believed she still had feelings for him.
Their arrangement wasn’t typical. Probably wouldn’t work for a lot of people. But this was him and Lizzie. A fantasy that had become reality.
Chapter Fifteen
Carmela was up and waiting for Lizzie when she came back inside half an hour later.
She didn’t bother to ask her friend, who was in fleece Christmas tree pajama pants and a matching red top sitting up with a cup of tea on the couch, why she was still awake.
“You should be in bed,” she said instead. “You have to be up early.”
“You think I was going to sleep lying in there?” Carmela shot back, giving Lizzie the once-over about half a dozen times. If ever there was a protective bear, Carmela was it, and Lizzie loved her for it.
Just as she knew she could never allow herself to need it. Carmela would be graduating and getting on with her life soon. She’d need to be able to leave Lizzie and
Stella behind without guilt.
“I agreed to it,” she said, figuring that the sooner they got through the conversation, the sooner her friend would get the rest she needed.
“What did he agree to?” They’d talked it all over the night before. Over and over. And again that morning before Carmela had left, and more that evening, too, when her friend finally got home.
“All of it,” she said, shrugging as she dropped down into an armchair, her feet up in it with her.
“He agreed to give you the full deed to the house?” Carmela’s eyes wide, she held her teacup halfway to her mouth.
“You didn’t expect him to?”
“I guess I did.” Carmela broke eye contact, but only for a second. “I just... I don’t know, maybe I hoped...”
“What?”
No answer came to mind.
“I think I hoped he’d ask you to marry him,” Carmela said softly, standing just behind her. “Didn’t you, Lizzie? Even a little bit?”
Tears sprang to her eyes, the first she’d shed all day, and Carmela wrapped her in a hug. “It’s okay, sweetie. I love how you always manage to hold on to hope until the very last minute,” she said, giving Lizzie one more squeeze before letting her go.
“I would have said no,” Lizzie told her, sniffing as she wiped away the little bit of tears that had fallen. “There’s no way he’s going to give up his life, and no way I could ever fit into it. Even if he’d asked me to. But I knew he wouldn’t. Not with what happened with his former girlfriend.” She’d told Carmela about Molly. And about Nolan’s older brother, too, who’d married a woman after only knowing her two weeks.
The Fortune family had survived it all just fine, but that didn’t take the sting out of the burn.
“I guess it’s good that he’s buying you a house...”
“...and an SUV with a lifetime service agreement,” Lizzie snuck in, because she wanted to give due where it was deserved. She wanted Carmela to know all of the facts because she needed her friend’s opinion.
Fortune's Christmas Baby Page 12