They’d want the paternity test. Which meant asking Lizzie about it.
And telling her that he was no longer keeping her and Stella a secret.
How could he hope to do any of that when even the small things were stumping him? Was he going home for Christmas or not?
Either way, he was going to be letting someone down and needed to let them know.
He knew what he wanted to do—spend Christmas with Lizzie. But his decisions didn’t just affect himself. Whatever he did reflected on his family, as well. And could put the family’s personal fortune at risk—as Austin had done.
Yearnings, wants—those were kid stuff.
It was time for him to man up.
Chapter Eighteen
Waking up with a feeling of excitement Monday morning, Lizzie took time to wash and blow-dry her hair, leaving it long and wavy. She put on makeup, her favorite pair of leggings and a long, red, figure-hugging sweater with a sequined mantel on the front holding Christmas stockings. Nolan had bought it for her at a boutique they’d happened on the year before—not that he’d necessarily remember that.
Stella’s outfit, also from Nolan, was black leggings and a red dress, with a reindeer on the front—and matching bow to clip onto her hairband. Perfect for a visit with Santa.
She wasn’t sure what to make of Nolan’s pants and tie, the fancy shoes, but Carmela left no doubt of her reaction as she approached him holding the door open for her to climb into the back of the SUV next to Stella’s car seat.
“Wow. Impressive, Fortune,” she said, not all that kindly. Lizzie shot her a look, a silent Please? And Carmela nodded as she buckled herself in.
She and Carmela had had a long talk the night before when Lizzie had returned from the club. Carmela was certain that Lizzie was in love with Stella’s father. She just didn’t trust the man. He was setting Lizzie up like a kept woman and Carmela didn’t approve. At all. Even when Lizzie tried, over and over, to assure her friend that she wouldn’t marry Nolan even if he asked. She wanted no part of his fancy, high-powered life in New Orleans.
The rest—being in love with the man—she’d learn to live with. She just needed time.
And to have her brain about her apparently. “I forgot the diaper bag,” she announced from the front seat, just as Nolan was starting the vehicle.
She opened her door, but he insisted that he’d go get it.
Afraid to leave him and Carmela alone in the vehicle together, not counting a sleeping Stella, who would neither distract nor be able to referee, Lizzie handed him her house key.
“I have one question for you,” Carmela asked as Lizzie watched Nolan, looking a new kind of hot to her, walking across the parking lot.
“What?”
“If you love him, really love him, don’t you have to love the Fortune part, too, not just the Forte?”
She didn’t know. But she feared whether she had to or not didn’t matter. It was becoming pretty clear to her that she already did. She let her silence speak for itself.
“And that being the case,” Carmela continued, “wouldn’t that mean at least trying to like New Orleans?”
Her chest tightened and Lizzie’s good mood evaporated. “You know me, Carm. You really think I’d be happy there? Living in their atmosphere?”
“No. You hate attention.”
She hated pity even more, not that anyone was offering her any. She’d learned a long time ago to keep her private life private. She’d been truly happy for the first time in years when she’d come to college and escaped the persona of the “poor, sweet little girl who’d lost both of her parents so tragically.”
The plane crash had been all over the news. The weekend ski trip, the well-to-do Mahoneys and their friends, a couple from Chicago, a friend of Barbara Mahoney’s from high school, in a private jet. Her parents hadn’t even been named. Just “a couple,” “a friend of Barbara’s.” The news had talked about the Mahoneys’ assets, about siblings who’d fought over them. It had never mentioned the little girl who’d been left with nothing but an aunt who’d loved her enough to take her in, but who’d had to struggle financially to do so. There’d been no basis for any kind of lawsuit and it wasn’t like her parents had been insured for such a catastrophe. Their life insurance policies had only covered funeral expenses.
“It doesn’t matter,” she said, putting a halt to her thoughts, something she’d learned to do out of self-preservation many years before. She’d had the world, even after she lost her parents, because she’d had love. “He’s not going to ask. Now, can we please just have fun today?”
The path to joy was learning to find it in the little things. In the life she had. In the choices that were her own. The things she could effect.
“Of course,” Carmela said. “Do I get to have a picture with Stella and Santa?”
As it turned out, Stella didn’t like Santa. Stiffening the second Lizzie placed her on his lap, she started to cry, and Lizzie ended up holding her while Lizzie sat on Santa’s knee. Carmela jumped in on Santa’s other side for a shot, but when Santa’s helper asked Nolan if he wanted to come up, he shook his head. He was busy taking shots from his cell phone.
Nolan loved being with Lizzie, being a part of Stella’s Christmas firsts. He cataloged as much as he could, knowing that, if nothing else, he’d always have the pictures. With Carmela along there was no time for personal conversation with Lizzie and his time had run out. Either he was on the plane the next day or he wasn’t.
Which was why, when they pulled into the apartment complex with just enough time for him to get back to his hotel room and change—hopefully without running into his bandmates so he wouldn’t have to explain the clothes—he grabbed Lizzie for a quick conversation before he took off.
“Can we...talk tonight? I can come by as soon as I’m done at the club.”
Her easy expression instantly stiffening, she asked, “Why? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong,” he quickly assured her, praying that she’d still see it that way when she heard what he had to say, that he’d come up with something that would please everyone who was counting on him. “I just... We’ve got so much going on, we’re doing so much, making life-changing decisions, and I’d just like to talk. You know, you and me. To make sure we’re both on the same page.”
True. All true.
“Okay,” she said, nodding, seeming to relax again. And he took that as a good sign.
He was still telling himself the changes in her since they’d reached their agreement and purchased the house—the way she’d let him hold the baby, and then taught him to change her, the way she’d given him her key and let him go back to the apartment for the diaper bag—were all good signs as he walked to her place hours later as soon as the band wrapped up.
Because they weren’t playing Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, he was carrying his horn with him. Daly and Glenn were staying at the hotel over the holiday. Branham was on a late-night flight back to his hometown of Baton Rouge.
Nolan had texted Lizzie, just like she’d asked, when he was out front, and, in jeans and a zipped-up dark hoodie, she came out to join him. As if by telepathic communication, they started walking down the block together, toward a small park that had a lighted fountain in the middle of it. It was a walk they’d taken before, several times, before going back to her place after a night at the club.
It never had been just all about sex for them.
Though, man, the sex had been incredible...
“Thank you for coming out so late,” he started in, still not certain where the conversation was going to end up. Only that he’d determined he couldn’t make the Christmas decision until he talked to her.
He felt her shrug next to his shoulder, hadn’t realized they were walking that close, but he reached down and took her hand.
When she didn’t pull immediatel
y away, he walked in silence for a few seconds. There was a nip in the air, but it was more cool than cold.
“How was the club tonight?” she asked, and he took hope from the fact that she wasn’t asking him to get to his point.
“Crowded. I think the band’s going to be asked back next year.”
Campus was pretty deserted, but the area surrounding it, even this late, had enough holiday revelers about that he felt completely comfortable. The cop car parked close by, and the security officers patrolling, helped, too.
They’d reached a bench by the fountain. She let go of his hand as they sat and he had to say, “I’ve missed you so much, Lizzie. I wish you could know how much. I know it doesn’t seem like it, I know my actions look differently, but I’ve spent this entire year trying to get out from under your spell.”
The streetlights and the lights from the fountain weren’t brilliant, but they illuminated her eyes as he gazed straight into them. Another couple walked close by, milling around the other side of the fountain, and still he felt like he and Lizzie were shut off from the world.
He wished they were.
Raising a hand to his face, she touched his cheek. “You confuse me,” she said softly.
“You are so beautiful,” he told her. If this was his moment, if his truth was going to be heard, it had to start with that which was deepest inside himself.
Leaning in slowly, he touched his lips to hers. Not with forethought. Or any thought, really. It just happened. She allowed the kiss and, seconds later, opened her lips to allow him to reacquaint himself with her more intimately. It was a hello.
Not a goodbye.
The thought infiltrated and Nolan pulled back.
“I’m sorry,” he said, needing to lean his head against hers for a second, but not doing so. He didn’t touch her. “I respect your need for no physical relationship between us.” He wanted to promise it would never happen again, but couldn’t make any more promises he wasn’t sure he could keep.
“It’s...okay,” she said, sounding like the Lizzie he’d known the year before. Her voice was filled with...something... He didn’t know what. But it sank into him and nestled down. “I mean, I still meant what I said, but...it was one kiss and we stopped. We were lovers, Nolan. And, as far as I was concerned, it was pretty incredible. We can’t dance around that fact if we’re going to make this work.”
Pretty incredible. At her words, desire shot through him.
“Making love with you was like nothing I’ve ever known,” he said. “It was so much more than sex. I think that’s why it’s been so hard for me to get you out of my system.”
Whoa with the honesty there, buddy. He couldn’t afford for this to go backward on him.
“I don’t know what to say.” She was still looking at him.
“It’s the truth.”
He couldn’t tell if it was the lights, or if a sudden sheen of tears had come to her eyes. He knew only that her expression changed.
“And now we have to put Stella first,” she said. “We have to handle whatever past business there is between us, put the past behind us, so that we can provide for her. We’re two responsible parents, not lovers sharing a two-week idyll. If we had sex again, so many other feelings would be involved, like I’d start to get jealous when you go home to New Orleans, worry about what women might be there... It would get awful and then where would that leave Stella?”
And there they were, right at the point he’d been dreading. He still couldn’t find a way to ask her for a paternity test.
Maybe they had to build up to that point.
When she shivered, he asked, “You want to go back?”
Nodding, she stood. “Do you mind? It’s colder than I thought. You could come in, have some tea. Carmela knows you might. She won’t bother us.”
At that point, he almost wished her roommate would join them. He’d have to focus on the facts before him, not the woman he so desperately needed.
He didn’t take her hand as they walked back to her place, but he stayed close enough that their arms touched, and their hips bumped a time or two.
He needed this...to be connected to her...sex or not. She was the mother of his child. And so much more.
* * *
Carmela had been right. If Lizzie really loved Nolan, she had to consider him in their mix, too. The realization helped her as they climbed the stairs to her apartment and she let him inside. Fighting her feelings for him, fearing them, weren’t going to make them go away. She had to face them head-on. Deal with them. So that they could find a way to coexist without burning each other to bits.
Parents who hated each other weren’t going to be good for Stella.
Allowing herself to admit she loved him...what a relief. And now she had to find a way to live with her sexual attraction to him without letting it get in the way and ruin them.
A tall order.
She poured tea while she pondered it.
She handed him a cup and followed him into the living room. They were talking in whispers, and she took a detour to close Carmela’s door. Her friend, if she awoke, would understand.
She checked on Stella, too. Because she couldn’t resist. The baby girl, in a new red fleece sleeper, was on her back, sound asleep, mouth open.
So precious. Innocent. Completely dependent.
“I love you, baby girl,” she whispered, and turned to head back in to Nolan, only to find him in the bedroom doorway, looking in on them. Stepping aside, she motioned him over, and they stood there together, watching their daughter sleep, until he finally took her hand to lead her back down the hall.
They sat on the couch together. Lizzie would have chosen the chair, but this was new ground—space where they were admitting they had feelings for each other, while they worked through a way to deal with them without acting on them. It was a recipe for disaster, given the obvious chemistry that still flared between them. She wanted to get married someday. And she assumed he did, too. There was no way it could work between them, though. She could never fit into his world, and she had to make him realize that. Eventually they’d end up hurting each other. Hating each other.
How could anything like this possibly work out?
Anyway, she didn’t know the answer, but felt certain that, together, they could find it. Because of Stella.
As he had earlier, he took her hand. She didn’t pull back. Carmela was just down the hall. More to the point, so was Stella.
Could they love each other, openly, without sex?
She desperately wanted for there to be a way.
“I think it’s pretty clear that what we had last year still lives between us,” he started. Her lips were trembling as she smiled and nodded.
“I hope knowing that will help you understand the struggle within me.” His eyes were so serious, so filled with warmth...and pain? She couldn’t tear her gaze away.
“I can’t not be Nolan Fortune,” he told her. And her heart melted for him. All over him.
“Nolan, is that what this about?” she asked him. “I’m not going to ask you, or expect you, or even hope that you would ever turn your back on who you are. I knew from the second you told me who you were that Nolan Fortune is who you have to be.” Suddenly Carmela’s words meant so much more than she’d understood at the time. “I care for you, Nolan. I couldn’t possibly do that and ask you to be someone you aren’t.”
He didn’t look as appeased, or relieved, as she’d hoped he would.
“I mean it. I know you have to go back. That your life is there. Your family is there. I won’t ever stand in the way of that.”
“I have to tell them about Stella.”
Her stomach clenched, but she hung in there. How good was their future if she was felled at the first challenge?
“I know,” she said. She’d always known. “But you’ll stick to our a
greement, right?”
“About the house?”
Her breathing was coming in short spurts now, but she was going to persevere.
“And about her living with me and you visiting?”
She had to make certain that her part of that negotiation remained solid. It was all that could really matter to her.
“Yes,” he said. “Absolutely.” With those two words, everything inside Lizzie settled into place. He really was going to honor her need to mother their daughter full-time.
“So, I’m officially out from under my promise to keep her a secret,” he said, as though full disclosure was the only thing he was worried about. For herself, she’d been frantic that his family would take Stella away from her.
Reeling herself in, Lizzie nodded. Nolan was a strong man. He was a man his family could rely on, but that made him a man she could rely on, too. He knew their situation. He wasn’t going to let his family convince him otherwise.
Or was she trying to squash her concerns now, just to get along? Life was just so hard sometimes. It shouldn’t be so complicated.
She made herself admit the truth. “I’m scared, Nolan. I’m afraid that you’ll tell them and they’ll want Stella and convince you to fight me for custody. With your money, I won’t have a hope in hell of fighting back.”
He sat back, shook his head. “What have I ever done to make you think I’d take her away from you?” he asked, sounding hurt. “I know you have a thing about money and the supposed power it brings, along with the chains it imposes, but come on, Lizzie. You and Stella mean so much to me. You and Stella. She needs you. And even if she didn’t, I wouldn’t hurt you that way. I’ve never even had a thought about taking her from you. You’re a great mother, Lizzie. As her daddy, how could I want anyone but you caring for her?”
She’d never thought of it that way. Not ever. Tears filled her eyes, but she didn’t look away from him. He had to get through the tough moments. Not avoid them.
He wiped at the tears that had fallen on her cheeks. “I think we just crossed our first hurdle,” he told her. “I fully intend, with every fiber of my being, to make sure that both you and Stella are happy.”
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