The Complete If I Break Series

by Portia Moore

  “Where are you going?” Mr. Scott asks sternly.

  “I wouldn’t want to ruin your appetite anymore, Dad,” he says. I can’t hide my smirk and quickly follow him towards the door.

  “Thank you for dinner, Mrs. Scott,” I say a little awkwardly as I grab Caylen’s diaper bag and my purse, thankful they’re easily in my reach.

  “I can take them back to the hotel,” his dad says, following us out of the house. Like hell he will. I have my own car and I’ll drive myself before that happens.

  “Yeah, I’m sure Lauren would love that since you’ve been such a nice guy to her the whole time she's been here,” Chris says sarcastically. Mr. Scott looks down at his feet guiltily. I follow Chris, who’s stomping angrily towards what I’m assuming is his truck. It’s a big red Suburban. I smile as I see the purple car seat installed in the backseat.

  “I picked it up earlier when I got the high chair,” he says, glancing up at me, his anger melting. “It’s cute.” I smile as I put in Caylen in her car seat. She likes it. A few seconds later we’re about to pull off when Mrs. Scott appears at the driver's side of the car.

  “I wanted to kiss my granddaughter goodbye, if that’s okay,” she says with a warm smile, seemingly unfazed by the previous fiasco. She opens the back door and gives Caylen a kiss on her forehead.

  “See you soon, Princess,” she says to her and tries to hug her as best she can while Caylen’s in her car seat. She closes the door.

  “You be safe, okay?” she says, patting the car door.

  “Love you, Mom,” Chris says, his stern demeanor softening, and she smiles. He pulls off, and we ride in silence for a while. I want to ask how I’m going to get back to my car but I guess he’ll pick us up tomorrow. It’ll be nice to let Caylen see him again before we leave. It hasn’t been three minutes since we left and Caylen’s drifted off to sleep. I look at Chris out of the corner of my eye. He seems to be in deep thought. I wonder if he’s angry about the comment I made earlier. I could see it being a little embarrassing but I really just wanted his dad to shut up.

  “I’m sorry about earlier,” I say glancing over at him. “I shouldn’t have said that.” I sigh. “I have the tendency to speak first and think later.”

  He doesn’t say anything but I see a small smile on his face.

  “I thought I’d gotten better since Caylen, but it just sort of slipped out,” I say, playing with my fingertips.

  “I think you handled that pretty well,” He smirks, then laughs. I do as well.

  “You shut my dad up. Most people aren’t able to do that,” he says, glancing over at me. “You know, I don’t really get why he has so much hostility towards you. It pisses me off because out of everyone involved in this, you bear the least blame,” he frowns. He’s pissed off at his dad because of me. It feels wrong that I’m a tad bit happy about it but the better part of me scolds my joy.

  “I don’t think it’s me, per se, that he’s pissed off with. He’s angry at Cal. I’m associated with him. I represent or am a reminder that he’s real and of what he’s done. He can’t take it out on Caylen, he won’t take it out on you, so I’m his scapegoat,” I reason. I feel guilty whenever I talk to Chris about Cal. I’m not sure why, but maybe Chris feels the same way his dad does. He has to. He’s just much better at hiding it.

  “It’s so easy for them to separate the two of us. I think they’re doing a better job at it than I am,” he says as he makes the wide turn that leads to the Ritter Inn.

  “What do you mean?” I ask curiously.

  “I keep trying to...” he trails off and sighs. He glances at me momentarily and I can read every emotion on his face. He’s frustrated and a little sad. It’s almost refreshing to be able to tell what’s wrong with him so easily. I was pretty clueless as to what Cal thought or felt.

  “It’d be easy for me to just think of this guy as another person. Right?” he says, and I nod. I thought that was what we were doing. Even if we weren’t, it makes things a lot less complicated for me.

  “My parents, my friends, Jenna, well maybe not so much Jenna… They’ve separated the two of us. Cal did this, I did that. Cal married you, I proposed to Jenna.” He sighs.

  “But Caylen discredits all of that,” he says, looking at me for a response. I’m not sure what to say. We’ve now pulled into the small parking area for the Ritter Inn. Chris turns off the truck but neither of us move to get out.

  “How are you doing with separating us?” he asks. I’m afraid to look up at him but I do. Our eyes meet, but it’s getting dark out so it feels like a filter.

  “You’re so different,” I say, forcing the words out of my throat. “I haven’t had a lot of time to get to know you but thinking back on the time I spent with Cal, there were moments that… that he reminded me of you,” I say, and I feel my heart pounding. “Of how you were today at least,” I clarify.

  “Seeing you in those pictures when you were a little boy, in high school, your life before me—before Cal—I’m guessing.” I take a deep breath. I will not cry.

  “I was able to understand a little better that anytime Cal was with me, your life was interrupted. That you have a life.” I take another deep breath.

  “So I appreciate you not reacting the way your father has towards me.” I smile and look away from him.

  “Uhm, I, I think you should hear something,” he says. He maneuvers in his seat and pulls out his phone. A few seconds later the voicemail states he has one saved message. The moment it starts to play I freeze and my breath catches.

  “You really are more fucking dense than I thought. All of these years, and you still think you’re just having blackouts? I don't have much time so I’ll get to the point. You can’t get married because you already are, dumbass. Talk to Dexter. Make this right, or I’ll have to do it for you. Stay away from any altars.” The voice chuckles. “No pun intended. If you don’t, there will be hell to pay. You can bet on that. Oh and by the way, since no one gave two shits to inform you, I’m Cal.”

  I have to react. I want to show Chris I’m not affected by this but I am.

  That was Cal.

  That was him, pissed to the max and acting like a complete asshole.

  But that’s Cal…my Cal.

  I’m going to be sick. After the euphoria from hearing his voice wears off, I feel betrayed. Completely and utterly betrayed. I’m furious. For the first time, it really hits me that he kept all of this from me. He didn’t trust me enough to tell me about any of this and that Dexter knew all along. I’ve been thinking of Cal as a victim but he’s not the victim. He could have made this right at any time but he didn’t—and now, now after all this, he demands that Chris make it right. I’m gripping the seat so tightly that my fingers feel hot. When he came back, the little time he had, he didn’t use it to talk to me, to warn me about what was going on, to tell me he loved me. He used it to taunt Chris?!

  “I didn’t play this to upset you,” Chris says quietly, and I nod but I can’t look at him. Right now he has Cal’s face. And I really want to slap that face right now.

  “Your dad’s right, he’s an asshole, a fucking asshole.” I’m so angry, I hit the dashboard. I feel my throat start to burn. I look back to make sure Caylen’s still asleep and didn’t hear the words that slipped out of my mouth.

  “But you love him,” Chris says quietly, looking at his lap. I chuckle and wipe away the single tear that has escaped. I feel like a complete idiot for having to admit it.

  “Yes.” I laugh at myself because I’m a joke, a complete and utter joke. I start to feel claustrophobic in the truck. I let down my window for some fresh air.

  “Are you okay?” Chris asks, growing concerned. I haven’t been okay in a long time but no less okay than I’ve been the past week.

  “Yeah, I’m fine,” I say, thinking that if I keep saying it enough maybe I will be. I let out a deep breath and slap my hands on my lap. I look over at Chris who’s looking at me as if I'm a lost puppy.

  “I r
eally am, Chris. Thank you for letting me listen to that,” I say, plastering my fake smile on my face and wiping the wetness from my eyes. I grab Caylen’s diaper bag off the floor and open my door to get out.

  “I’ll help you up, Lauren,” he says quickly getting out of the truck. I’m a little taken aback at how fast he gets out. It’s not that big a deal. I’m used to juggling Caylen and her diaper bag, but it’s cute. He’s much better at getting Caylen out of her seat than putting her in, but she’s sleeping so that makes it a little easier. I head toward the door of the Inn but he steps ahead of me to open the door. That’s also cute.

  “Mr. Scott!”

  I look back at Chris surprised.

  “Amanda, hi. A little late for you to be working, isn’t it?” he says. His voice has changed; it’s deeper and a bit more authoritative. His posture’s even straightened. The girl at the desk giggles and twirls the ends of her hair. She can’t be more than seventeen and the way her face has flushed pink, I think she has a crush. Not that I blame her.

  “It’s not even 9:30 and I’m not a kid,” she says with a shrug and a flirtatious smile, and for the first time, she notices me and the child he’s holding.

  “Oh my God, she’s so pretty,” she says, glancing over at Caylen. She’s asleep, her face resting on Chris shoulder. He walks closer to the counter and turns so she can get a better look.

  “She’s adorable,” she squeals. “Is she your niece?” she asks, touching Caylen’s hand. My stomach drops. Of course, she wouldn’t think she’s his daughter. No one knows about her or me. I feel my chest tighten, wondering what he’s going to say. If he’ll be ashamed or embarrassed. I don’t think I’ll be able to take it if he is.

  “She’s my daughter,” he answers proudly. The girl's eyes widen, and I let out the breath I was holding. I didn’t expect him to say it so simply.

  “Oh,” is all she can manage to say.

  “This is her mother, Lauren,” he says, and she looks over at me, her mouth agape. I definitely didn’t expect him to add that.

  “Hi,” she says, barely above a whisper.

  “We met earlier when I checked in,” I say. She looks as shocked as I am relieved. I suddenly feel light and there’s a joy coursing through me. He hasn’t really done anything but to hear him say that feels good. Even though I’m not really sure who she is to him, or if she’s important at all. It feels good that we’re not a dirty little secret.

  “Right. Room five,” she says, recovering from her initial reaction.

  “Yup,” I nod.

  “Did you need anything?” she says tightly.

  “No I’m fine.” I shake my head and start up the stairs to my room.

  “Good night, Amanda,” Chris says and follows me to my room.

  “See you, Mr. Scott,” she calls out after us. It’s so much easier to unlock the room when I’m not juggling Caylen. I open the door and flick on the lights.

  “This room's bigger than your last one,” he says as he comes in behind me. He noticed. The room I had the last time I was here was tiny.

  “It was only an extra thirty dollars,” I say, closing the door behind him. He stands for a bit in observation. There are toys scattered about but the bed’s made and the room is neat. He walks over and sits on the sofa. He carefully takes off Caylen’s coat and shoes so as to not wake her.

  “You’re pretty good at this,” I say, a little surprised as I take off my own coat and shoes.

  “Really?” he asks, with a wide smile that makes me forget what I just said.

  “I’ve never been around kids this little,” he says honestly.

  “Well you’re doing really well,” I tell him, fixing the space on the bed for her. He lays her down, then kisses her on the cheek. It’s moments like these that make all the drama I’ve gone through today worth it.

  “So your first full day as a dad. How does it feel?” I joke with him. He stuffs his hands in his pockets and smiles.

  He chuckles. “Not too bad.” He gestures towards the couch.

  “Sure,” I say. He sits down, stretching out his long legs. I should have already offered him a seat. He’s wearing a brown pair of Timberland boots and jeans, his big khaki jacket is back.

  “So. Mr. Scott?” I ask him curiously, remembering the girl downstairs.

  “Oh, Amanda. She’s a student at the school where I teach,” he says simply, and my mouth falls open.

  “You’re a teacher?” I ask surprised.

  “Well. A substitute, “he says modestly.

  “That’s great. So you have your bachelor’s degree?” I ask him and he nods.

  Wow.

  Cal didn’t have any respect for or interest in higher education.

  “So Amanda was one of your students,” I guess.

  “Yeah, I think she might have a crush on me.” He laughs. Thinks? I’m sure she and every other girl in his school.

  “Yeah, I think you broke her heart when you told her you had a daughter.” I giggle, and he shrugs.

  “So how are we going to do this?” he asks, adjusting his position so he’s facing me. His demeanor changes so abruptly that I’m caught off guard. “I mean with Caylen. I really want to be involved. My parents love her. I know we live pretty far apart but we can make this work, right?” he asks for my assurance and I nod.

  “Yeah. Caylen has really taken to you guys. Whatever I can do to make things easier,” I say honestly. And I see the worry on his face disappear.

  “Good,” he says, his eyes light up and it causes my stomach to do flips.

  Chapter 32

  Lauren

  “You’re what?” Raven doesn’t even try to remove the sharpness from her voice.

  “It’s just going to be three weeks. It’s not that big a deal,” I say calmly as I brush out my hair. Truth is, I’m far from calm about this. I’m nervous, a little scared, and anxious. But I can’t let Raven see that I’m unsure about this. When I talked to Chris about going back for three weeks it was so easy to say yes while looking into those warm green eyes. They’re coaxing and intoxicating. He has a way of easing you into doing what he wants with a shy smile and bright eyes. I would have told him I’d wear a clown suit and heels just to be near him. At the time, it didn’t seem complicated or like a dumb idea at all. It wasn’t even a big deal. But as the time for me to go approaches, I begin to see the problem. It is a big deal, and it’s a very big deal to Raven. She’s tapping her foot, her arms folded across her chest as she’s standing in my bedroom.

  “I don’t like this, Lauren. I really don’t like this,” she says, shaking her head. I shouldn’t have said anything but I don’t want to feel like a child that has to sneak around and hide, especially since she’s looking at me like I’m about to be punished.

  “It’s not for you to like. This isn’t about you, Raven. This is what I think is best for Caylen,” I say adamantly.

  “You don’t think I want what’s best for Caylen?” she asks in disbelief.

  “You don’t think that I want what’s best for her?” I ask with thinly veiled sarcasm.

  “I think that your judgment is a little clouded.”

  And here she goes.

  “I believe you should hold off getting her so involved with Cal…”

  “Chris. His name is Chris,” I interrupt her, and she rolls her eyes.

  “Involved with Chris until he’s gotten some type of hold on his mental state.”

  I knew this was coming. She comes closer and I can see her face in the mirror.

  “He’s not dangerous, Raven. I’m not worried about him hurting her!” I say pointedly.

  “What about him hurting you?” she says firmly. I let out a sigh and look away from her gaze.

  “I’m not worried about that either,” I retort.

  “You can’t break what’s already broken,” I mutter under my breath as I finish my braid and tie it at the end. I stand up and she grabs my shoulder. “Almost broken.” I roll my eyes at her and get up to put on my g
ym shoes.

  “You’re not broken yet. I can see it in your eyes. I know you, Lauren. You haven’t given up hope.”

  “What’s so bad about having a little hope, Raven? Is it such a bad thing?” I ask her, but I know the answer to that. I just wish someone could make me feel a little better about it. Raven lets out a deep sigh and I know she’s not going to be the one to do it.

  Angela. I should have told Angela first.

  “Honey. You’ve been through so much with Cal—this man. He’s put you through so much,” she says solemnly, but maybe it’s better if she yells. Anything’s better than her somberness. It makes me feel pathetic

  “You know, I was a big supporter of the two of you, but he’s damaged goods. He’s in love with another woman.” First knife through my heart. “You’ve given him the okay to move on.” Second knife. “You say that he isn’t Cal and if that’s true, he doesn’t love you that way.” Screw the knife. She’s ripped out my heart and is stomping on it.

  She takes my hand as if it will make her words hurt less. I bite my lip, I refuse to cry. This is stuff I already know and I’ve told myself a thousand times. “I don’t want to see you hurt any more. You need to let him go,” she says, stressing the last part.

  Let him go.

  She’s not the first to say it. It’s not like I haven’t thought about it. She’s right about every single thing she’s said. I just wish it were as easy to do as everyone seems to think it is.

  “You said Chris wants to be a part of her life, and honey, that’s great. But just because he’s going to be a big part of Caylen’s life doesn’t mean he has to be a big part of yours.”

  I take my hand away from her.

  “Have you both talked about the status of your marriage, getting a di—”

  She stops when I shoot her a warning glare.

  “Can you just stop?!” I plead with her and let out a deep breath. She never knows when to let up. She keeps going and going and each statement feels like another brick on my chest.

  “I want what’s best for you, Lauren. You deserve to be happy,” she says quietly before picking up Caylen and leaving the room. I throw myself on the bed. I was heading to the gym, but now I feel like just crawling under the covers and sleeping the day away. But I won’t. I might as well get prepared for this. I told Raven first about going to Madison so that Caylen can spend time with the Scotts and her dad. I still have two other people to tell. I’m so tired of defending myself and my decisions about my child to people. At the end of the day, any decision I make, I’m going to have to deal with the fallout.