by Portia Moore
“Because I wanted you to come out and have fun. Things just don’t seem to be going my way. Nothing has been working out the way I’ve wanted it to, Jenna. I’m trying, if you could just meet me half way.” I take her hand in mine but she snatches it away.
“Goodnight, Chris,” she says, scooting her way to the other side of the table and leaving me alone to think about what a disaster this night turned out to be.
I never imagined things would have developed like this. This morning I was optimistic, confident that today was going to be a great day. It turned out to be anything but great. Lauren and I have barely said five words to each other. That’s thanks to Aidan who has been acting like a five year-old and Lauren’s his favorite toy, asking her questions, joking around with her, looking her in the eyes and not at her chest like he normally does with girls. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think he actually liked her, but it’s Aidan. He doesn’t like girls. He likes what he can do to them and I’d kill him before he gets to do any of those things to Lauren.
I’ve been trying to keep my composure because he’s my best friend. He likes to play mind games. He’s probably doing this just to screw with me, and if he’s doing it just for that reason it pisses me off even more. He’s not involving Lauren in his little pissing contests.
We proceed to a burger joint after the rink and I may as well not even be here the way he’s been going on and on like he’s trying to impress her. She’s being polite, smiling, nodding, and laughing when he cracks jokes, but every so often I’ll see her glance at me. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think she was trying to make me jealous. Then again, I’m probably over reacting. It’s like my emotions are on edge. I wonder if this is how girls with PMS feel?
“Okay, I gotta go to the bathroom, but when I get back, I’ll tell you how this loser broke my wrist when we were kids,” Aidan says enthusiastically as he bounces out of his seat and heads to the bathroom, leaving Lauren and me alone at the table.
I’m picking at my food. I still have half a chicken sandwich and a handful of fries on my plate. I don’t want any of it.
“Aidan’s quite the character.” She giggles, and I do my best to muster up a smile. An awkward silence sets in, the first since the day we took Caylen to the zoo. Actually, this is different. It’s more like tension.
“He’s something alright,” I say.
I don’t mean to sound bitter, but…
“Are you okay?” she asks, tearing a French fry in half.
“Yeah, why do you ask?” I say dryly. It’s the first time she’s asked me anything since we got here.
“Well, you’ve barely eaten any of your food,” she gestures to my plate. I shrug. I know I’m acting like a six year-old but I can’t help it.
“It’s the first time we’ve ever eaten together that my plate has less food on it than yours.” She laughs and I ignore how her grin makes me not want to be mad at her anymore.
“Not in the eating mood, really,” I mutter, pushing my plate away and leaning back in my seat.
“Is Aidan single?”
I feel a wave of anger rush through me. Is she kidding? She seriously didn’t just ask me that.
“Why?” I snap at her. She looks shocked. I’ve shocked myself. “I just thought he and my best friend Hillary would get along really well,” she says apprehensively. As soon as she says it, my stomach unclenches and my chest feels lighter.
“Oh,” I feel like an idiot. She smirks, but then it turns into a full-fledged smile, and, just like that, the tension’s gone. Well that tension is gone. I take advantage of the chance to look at her, the shape of her lips, her big hazel eyes smiling at me, and it’s like something in the air has changed.
“You know. Cal and I had our first date at a place like this one,” she says, her eyes still on mine. I can feel my heart speed up.
“We had just gone bungee jumping, believe it or not.” She chuckles, looking around the restaurant.
“You know, when I first met him, I thought it was out of character for him to like places like this.” She continues to grin. “He seemed all five-star restaurants and private chefs, which he was, but every now and then, we’d go to places just like this,” she says, her eyes not leaving mine. “I remember it like it was yesterday. He sat across from me, sort of how you are now, and smiled at me like he could read my every thought. It seems like forever ago,” she says, shaking her head and then her eyes find mine again.
“We were at a table just like this.” She lets out a light breath and she lightly bites down on her lower lip. She stands up and now she’s sitting next to me, only a few inches between us, so close I can smell the hint of perfume she’s wearing. I can hear her unsteady breathing and my heart starts to race a thousand miles minute. It’s like everything around us has disappeared and it’s just us.
Me and her.
“I wanted him to kiss me,” she sounds breathless, like it took every ounce of air in her to say what she just did. Her eyes are on mine, big and bright, her lips slightly parted. She wants me to kiss her. It’s like she’s silently begging me to. She hasn’t said it, but she doesn’t have to, because I can feel it. I want to kiss her more than I have ever wanted to kiss anyone.
I need to kiss her.
I’ve never felt like I needed to do anything more in my life…but does she want me to kiss her? Is this urge I’m feeling my own or his. If I do this, there will be no going back. That line we have between us will be gone. It’ll change everything. After Cal possibly being out yesterday, everything is too murky. I can’t make a decision like this now. It’ll have too many consequences.
“Aidan will be back any minute,” I say, breaking our trance. I see her expression fall, the disappointment is palpable. Her face flushes scarlet, she’s embarrassed. She looks away from me and quickly gets up and goes back to her seat.
I feel like an idiot.
I probably am an idiot.
A fucking loser. A confused jerk-off.
Aidan comes back to the table, and goes into one of his crazy stories but notices no one is laughing. He frowns, looking at both of us.
“Did I miss something?” he asks, puzzled. Lauren’s not talking anymore, no more smiling, or laughing. She looks like she’s not even here.
This is what I wanted right?
“You didn’t miss anything. I’m just tired,” she says with a faint smile.
We leave. The car ride is quiet and awkward, even Aidan can’t lighten the mood. When we pull in front of my house she smiles at Aidan.
“Thanks for everything tonight. I had fun,” she says, attempting to appear cheerful. It looks like she’s on the verge of tears but none appear.
She’s strong.
You’re so fucking weak.
“No problem,” Aidan says. She doesn’t even glance at me.
“Here are the keys, Lauren,” I say to her. She’s in the backseat of her own car. I’m begging her to look at me, to let me know that she’s okay, that we’ll be okay. Whatever it is that we are.
But she doesn’t look at me. She hasn’t since that moment at the restaurant. She grabs the keys from my hand, keeping her eyes downcast, and quickly gets out of the car. When she's in the house, Aidan looks at me with an angry glare.
“What the fuck did you do to her?”
“I don’t know,” I mutter. That’s a lie.
I think I just broke her.
Chapter 44
Lauren
I’ve never been more embarrassed in my entire life. I thought I was reading him right, but that was obviously wrong. I thought he just needed the right push, for me to give him the right sign. I feel so stupid, desperate, and completely confused. The entire night at the skating rink, he watched me. I saw him not just glancing, but full-on staring at Aidan and me.
I thought he was jealous. When he ended up riding with me and Aidan instead of Jenna, I thought it was a sign to take my chance. It was so nerve-wracking at the diner. Aidan was great, telling jokes and old sto
ries about him and Chris. He turned out to not be a total horn dog jerk like I first thought. I was flattered with all the attention he gave me and a little surprised that he ignored Chris’s scowl. While I watched Aiden laugh and joke and have a great time, Chris sat there angry, brooding, and irritated…I thought he was, but I was completely wrong. When Aidan left the table, I couldn’t just sit there anymore. He was slouched in his seat, frowning, his hair messy but incredibly sexy, his green eyes a little darker than I’d seen. I try not to look at Chris. I’ve been trying not to look at him in that way, but he’s so freakin’ handsome, and he was once mine. I couldn’t help it. I tried to stop myself, but I couldn’t, and for a moment, I thought he wouldn’t stop himself either.
I believed he just needed a push. It took everything in me to sit next to him and not climb on top of him, right there in the restaurant. But I didn’t. I did everything I could to get him to kiss me. Maybe I did everything wrong, or everything right, it doesn’t matter. He just didn’t want to.
I thought he was giving me signs but maybe I’m imagining all of this Maybe I just saw what I so desperately wanted to see. I’m losing my mind. Now I’m too embarrassed to even look at him. I barely want to look myself in the mirror. He just confirmed he doesn’t want me. I was strictly Cal’s. Chris just doesn’t see me that way and it hurts so much more than I thought it would. I only have two weeks left. That’s all I have to get through. I felt a piece of me breaking last night and I can’t let that happen. I can’t go through what I did with Cal for two years. Not again. I’m a mom now. If Cal didn’t break me, I can’t let Chris do it.
I think it’s time to let go. The most important thing is for Caylen to have a family as normal as this dysfunctional unit can be. There won’t be any more complications on my end. I won’t let there be. If Chris wants to be confused, he can do that on his own. Or maybe he isn’t confused. Maybe I’m just not what he wants and he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter now.
I’m letting go of Chris and Cal, along with whoever else is in there.
Chris
Things are great.
Caylen’s taken to my family like we’ve been around forever. My dad and I are back on good terms. The anger and bitterness that came over me whenever I looked at him is gone, and the most surprising thing is that Jenna and I are on good terms too. No more angry glares or condescending comments. I can touch her without her jerking away from me and we’ve been able to spend time together without fighting. The constant tug of war going on inside me is over. Whatever was happening, the outbursts that came without me being able to stop them are gone. The mood swings haven’t come back and I feel like myself again. Everything is great, I should be elated. I should be happy.
But.
I’m not.
Lauren’s changed. Things have changed between us. Ever since that stupid night at the diner, nothing has been the same. I shouldn’t want them to be different. We’re cordial and that’s all I should want, but I want more. It’s not like things are bad between us. When I see her in the morning, she speaks to me. At dinner, she’s nice to me like she is to everyone else. When I take Caylen from her to give her a break, she manages to smile, but it seems forced. She’s different, almost like a shell of herself.
Our cooking lessons have stopped. The first night I knocked on her door after the diner, she said she was tired and we’d postpone. The second night I knocked on her door, she said she didn’t feel well. The third night, she answered the door and avoided my eyes. She avoided looking at me altogether. She barely glances at me now. She said she talked to my mom about giving her lessons so she won’t be a bother to me.
She’s never been a bother. I wanted to teach her because I wanted to spend time with her, to get to know her, and for her to get to know me. It seemed like a lost cause to argue, and how can I argue? I know why she’s pulled back. I just hate that it seems so easy for her to do it. It hasn’t been easy at all for me. I understand that it’s what she needs to do. I made it clear there’s a line that's not to be crossed, and she obviously won’t even come near it now. It’s selfish of me to want to walk the line, but I can’t help it. I look for excuses to be around her, but it doesn’t last long. She usually finds a reason to leave the room shortly after I enter. I’m jealous of the time she spends with my mom, where she genuinely smiles and looks like the weight of the world isn’t on her shoulders. She’s different with everyone else.
I should leave things how they are but I feel off-balance, like something is missing. I finally scheduled an appointment with the doctor Aidan’s friend sees. She’s booked out for the next month but I’m on the waiting list if she has a cancelation. Too bad the doctor’s all the way in Chicago. If something does open up, it’s not going to be easy to get there. Jenna’s glad I made an appointment. I haven’t told Lauren about it. I’m pretty sure she’s washed her hands of me, but I know it was something she wanted me to do.
I know it’s something I need to do because I really need someone to tell me why I steal glances at a girl I haven’t known long. Why these feelings are here and when they will go away. Why, deep down, I don’t think I want them to go away. I haven’t had any more memories this past week. My dad might have been right. Lauren could possibly be a trigger, the reason Cal shows me glimpses of my other life. It was weird and scary but I’d never felt better.
“Honey, is everything okay?” my mom asks as we sit in the living room, watching her favorite show on the Food Network while Caylen plays with her toys. We’ve had dinner and Lauren’s gone back to her room. I’m not sure what she does in there. There isn’t a TV in there or anything. I guess she could be on her laptop. I wonder if I weren’t here, would she be in here with my mom and Caylen. I already know the answer to that.
She would be here if I weren’t.
“Yeah, it’s just been a long day,” I say with a sigh.
“I think Lauren and I are going to try this recipe,” she says, recording the show and turning towards me.
“How is she?” I ask her casually.
“She’s doing really well. She’s not a bad a cook as she made herself out to be.” My mom chuckles.
“I didn’t really mean the cooking, Mom.”
“Maybe you should ask her, Chris.” My mother’s warm smile makes me wish it was that simple.
“It’s not that easy. She doesn’t really want to be around me,” I admit.
“Why is that?” my mom asks genuinely.
Because you suck at life. You’re an oblivious jerk. A giant pussy.
“She probably thinks things are better this way,” I say quietly. My mom turns the TV to Nick Jr. and comes to sit next to me on the couch.
“How do you feel about that?” Her green eyes seem to see through me. She puts her hand on mine and I say what I’ve wanted to say since that night I pushed her away.
“Terrible,” I admit.
“Son, I know you are in a very difficult situation. Are you sure you don’t want to talk to Dr. Lyce? I know you’re not thrilled that she kept your condition from you but she is a very good doctor,” my mom says, and I roll my eyes.
“No. I’m not dealing with her anymore,” I say adamantly, and she nods.
“I don’t have the answers that you need. I can’t explain what you’re feeling or why.” She sighs. “But I don’t think it would be wise to make a life changing decision that you’re feeling so conflicted about,” my mom says quietly.
“What do you mean?” I ask her. Is she saying what I think she’s saying?
“Maybe you and Jenna should take a break,” my mom says, looking at me cautiously.
“I—I can’t do that. Jenna won’t take it as a break, especially after I proposed to her.”
“Christopher, when you marry someone, there should be no doubt or second guessing,” my mom says, her soft tone stern.
“When I married your father, I knew that I could spend the rest of my life with him and not think twice. There was no
other person that I wanted or could imagine myself being with,” she says, a warm smile spreading across her face. After all these years, she still loves him.
“If you can’t say that, there’s a big problem,” she says adamantly. “I know that Jenna was there for you, that she was a great friend to you while I was sick. I love her for that and was glad you had someone that was able to pull you out of your depression and help you face things.”
I can hear the “but” coming.
“…But there was so much going on at that time, and you were just settling back into your life. A life that had been interrupted so frequently. I know that you love her.” She takes my hand.
“Are you in love with her, honey? Are you with Jenna at this moment because you love her and can’t imagine not having her in your life?”
I start to think about what she’s just said. I love Jenna, I do. Am I in love with her? I can feel my heart beating with each word she says. I never really thought about being in love with a person. Movies romanticize everything. They make being in love seem sugar-coated, a roller coaster, surreal. I think love is sacrifice. True love is being with someone through the hard times, through sickness, through poverty. My parents faced all of that. I know that they love each other. I know that I could do that for Jenna. I know that Jenna would do that for me. Still there’s moments like now, when my mom talks about my dad and her eyes light up. The moments they’re together when no one is watching, when their actions aren’t for show, that I think maybe being in love isn’t a fairy tale…and when Cal looked at Lauren—when I look at Lauren--suddenly, my heart starts beating in my ears. I feel nervous, my skin is hot, and it becomes harder to breath. Like my body has forgotten how. My chest is getting tighter and tighter.
“Christopher, are you okay?” My vision is getting blurry.
“I—I can’t breathe,” I choke out. “My chest,” I say. I stand up trying to catch my breath, but it’s not working. I see my mom’s eyes widen in horror.