by Tara Brown
My brain screams that I need to focus on the good things I know. Like how the most important thing is Joey and me are still alive, and somewhere in my heart I believe our dad is still not infected. I smile, thinking about my dad—knowing he has to be safe. I have to know this. It’s how I choose to see him—alive and well and looking for me. Even if I don’t find him, I will die knowing it.
Seeing the biters in military fatigues makes me think I’ll die sooner than later. Even they, trained soldiers, weren’t safe from it. What am I compared to that? Or compared to my father who is the smartest person I know? The cold reality of it all hits in that moment that had been so optimistic a second ago. The confidence feels like delusion, arrogant delusion.
Kyle’s hand slips into mine, surrounding me with warmth. “It’s going to be okay, Lou.” It’s then I realize I’m crying. Desperate sobs slip from my eyes as a war is lost inside of me somewhere. All those things I had hoped and prayed for are gone. They’re gone forever as all the fears inside of me come out of the cracks I had stuffed them into.
He won’t ever find us.
He won’t ever come for us.
If I even make it back to Laurel, I will always be the adult in Joey’s life. I won’t ever be free of the responsibility of those three girls.
I need to stop telling myself he’s alive. I need to start seeing that he might only be alive inside of me.
I drop to my knees, feeling the sudden onset of loss. I know I won’t ever let my brain convince me my father is dead. But I have to move on and survive for Joey. I have to let my dad go. I have to stop looking for him. I’m half way across the western part of the country from her and she could be in danger. I have left her in possible danger. What if Danny Hillman’s friends retaliate? There are a hundred what ifs living inside of me, and each one is a fear involving the one person who is still alive. The one person I might actually be running away from. Joey and the responsibility she has become.
I want to go home.
All of this hurts more than seeing my mother’s dying body twitching in the kitchen. It hurts more than running over the dead people. It hurts more than hugging Mr. Milson after Mrs. Milson killed herself and left him here alone with us.
Lee’s soft cries join mine. I know she is on the same emotional journey as I am. Her father was meant to be here too. Kyle wraps himself around us, huddling us and possibly muffling the sound of our desperation. I swear, somewhere in the wind I feel his lips press against my head as he pauses there, breathing warmth onto my forehead. It’s the same kiss my dad always gave me so I can’t be sure if it’s real or not.
I close my eyes and listen to the whistle of the wind that suddenly feels colder than the breath upon me. The wind is the loneliest sound I have ever heard. I think I’m wrong about the wind. I don't think she’s mocking us.
Maybe the solitary whistle of the breeze brushing across the barren world, is because it’s searching for people to liven its song up. But the people don't move, no matter how hard the wind blows. They don't budge. They die of exposure, and yet, still they don't fall over. They don't close their eyes. They don't leave the world and find freedom in the clouds.
They stand frozen, soulless, and lost.
And the few of us who do feel the wind, don't move either. We stand silent, afraid of the frozen ones.
My anguish is interrupted by the sound inside of the metal building behind me. I lift my tear-stained face, seeing the confusion on Kyle’s face too. He narrows his gaze, focusing on the metal wall. When he stands back up he pulls us with him, holding us by our hands and dragging us along the side of the building.
The doors in the front are huge bay doors but there is one small door on the side. We creep to it, pressing our heads to the cold and listening with bated breath.
Muffled voices and soft noises work hard at seeking the outside world through the thick metal door. Kyle gives me a look and shrugs, tapping against the metal. Inside the noises stop. “Hello?” Kyle says as loud as I think we dare. “Is someone alive in there?”
Breath upon metal is our response. Someone is next to the door, breathing as though they’re trying not to make a sound but it makes it worse. Controlling breath when you're panicking is like trying to control the wind.
“Please, let us in. We aren’t infected. We came to find help but the base is overrun. Can you just tell us what happened here?” Lee sticks her face into the crease of the door and wall and shouts a little too loud.
The door cracks open with a grunt and a gray eye greets us in the small space. “Who are you?”
Lee steps back, her face lowered on the gun in the cracked door. The barrel is pointed right at her chest. Kyle pulls her back carefully, lifting a hand. “Whoa, we came to find the military. The girl’s dad is military, a scientist. We were hoping he was here, that's all.”
“We aren’t taking survivors here.” The eye darts to me, narrowing and processing for a moment. “We’re full up.”
Frustration and fear wreak havoc on my mind. I can see he’s about to refuse us so I lunge forward, letting his barrel press against my stomach. “Please, sir. Please. We came a long way and we don't intend to stay. I just need to know if he’s alive. Please. My mom has died and my sister is really little. Just let me see if he’s here somewhere. He came from Russia on a military plane. That's the last I heard from him. We won’t stay, I swear. I have no bites. We have no bites. Please.”
Finally, the door swings open, revealing several dozen people standing behind the soldier who was at the door. He stands and nods. “Come in. We got one scientist in the corner who came from Russia. You can look and be on your way. We aren’t taking any more survivors in this building.” His Southern accent is out of place here. “We gotta check you for bites though. Some people take longer to react. That's how we ended up in here.” Hands pat our bodies down, dragging our shirts to the sides and pawing at us. It's indecent and rude but I don't feel anything. I’m numb.
When they’re done they shove us on our way. Lee and Kyle walk ahead of me, scanning the crowd. Lee is searching desperately but I’m scared to find out it isn’t him.
My feet drag and the scuff sounds echo in my head as the voices of the dozens of people fade into nothing. My heartbeat and my ragged breath are all I can hear. I round the corner where a hand is pointed for me to go. People are staring at me from the crowd, I imagine desperate to see if I belong to them in anyway. Or if they belong to me. That's all we really want in a moment like this one, family or friends or familiarity.
But I don't know them, and when I reach the man in the far corner, I drop to my knees on the cold cement. The man with the beady eyes and mustache is not my father. The hands point to him and someone grabs my arm, shaking me a little. But I just stare, completely lost in the disappointment of the Wizard at the end of the yellow brick road.
“That's not my dad,” my lips part and the words tumble out.
The man’s eyes narrow as he watches my lips. “I know you,” he says softly. His eyes dart to the soldier next to me. “I know her.”
The soldier waves a hand at him dismissively. “You don't know shit. Since Stoddard shocked your ass back to life, you’ve been a hot mess.”
The man with the mustache points. “Stoddard’s desk. She’s from Stoddard’s desk.”
The sentence rings in my head as Kyle jumps into action. “Stoddard, that's her dad. Where is he? Lou, that's your dad. Dr. Stoddard. The scientist.”
I turn to see the soldier giving me a look that screams of the bad news he has for me. “You just missed him. He left here the day before yesterday to go home. Said he had to get to his girls.”
My eyes dart to Kyle. He winces but he nods. “He’s probably already back in Laurel.”
I swallow the words and the news and the feelings, and stand on my shaking legs. “How did he leave?”
“Boat. Said he would find a car on the mainland, but he was going by boat to the north a little. Said there was a highway up there t
hat might be safer. Took a couple guys with him. They were from around Montana and Idaho. Good soldiers. I bet he’s still alive.”
My jaw drops. “He’s still alive?”
He nods.
“THIS IS ALL OUR FAULT!” The scientist who isn’t my father jumps up, grabbing my arm and spinning me around, screaming, “THIS IS OUR FAULT! WE KNEW! WE KNEW! STODDARD KNEW! THEY WOULD TAKE IT AND USE IT!”
Kyle tears him off of me, putting me behind him instantly. “Touch her again and I’ll kill you myself.”
The soldier grabs the scientist, shaking him. “Chill your shit, Doctor. No disrespect meant but you need to calm down.” His eyes lower in disappointment. “He’s been having a real hard time readjusting after Doctor Stodd—your dad electrocuted him.”
I scowl. “What?”
“It’s a long-ass story, kid, and I imagine you want to be on your way.”
I shake my head. “What story?”
The soldier nods his head at the man’s shoulder where I suddenly notice a bite mark. I jump back, dragging Kyle with me.
The soldier shakes his head. “He isn’t infected. It isn’t what you think it is.” His eyes dart around the room at the various types of military personnel. I start to see bite marks on several of them, all on the shoulder. It dawns on me then the wound is always the shoulder.
When I scan back to the soldier, he’s helping the scientist back down to where he was sitting. The man’s eyes are still full of terror and his jaw doesn't stop moving. The soldier turns and walks with us, away from the rambling man. “It was a weapon. It started with a prototype for an offensive means of gaining control over a group of people. Obviously, the intended targets were terrorists. Get one infected or, as they liked to say, controlled person inside and they take out the entire organization and they gain control over everyone. It was a way to peacefully enter an organization and take them down without the bombing and invading. The team was looking at how to do things with the least amount of casualties.”
Kyle stops walking and lifts a hand. I can see he’s confused. “So you guys made a way to control people and it became that hot mess out there? I think you missed the mark a little.”
The man sighs in a way I have only ever heard our chemistry teacher do. It’s heavy and annoyed but sounds like the person doing it is too tired and defeated to fight about it. “Right, kid. We made a way to control people, but then some asshole scientist went rogue and attacked the world with it.”
My guts drop but the man shakes his head. “Not your dad. It was another member of the team. They were testing in Russia when they found out the entire project had been compromised. Dr. Arsenault from France, was working with them on the research. He apparently found God in the last few months and had been working to sabotage the entire project.” He rolls his eyes. “What we actually found out was that he had syphilis but didn't know. The red rain in India and the dying of the bees across the world spurned him on. Suddenly there were signs everywhere. He knew the end of days was coming. In fact, he was sure it was. He modified the material they were working with and gave it to a select group of people from the radical church he had founded. Jesus freaks who wanted the end of days—they wanted the end of the world. They believed they were the hand of God or some bullshit like that.” He talks and walks us back to the main door. When we get there he pauses with his hand on the massive lock. “Now we all gotta wait for the end of the seventh day. Your dad and that guy back there, Jacquard, and a few others managed to reprogram the materials so they’ll at least have an expiry date. It was the only thing they could do. We gotta try to survive in here until the seventh day and then we can take it all back. If anyone is still alive.”
Kyle’s face is pale. Lee’s is blank and soaked in tears. I’m sure mine is a mixture.
“A person did this? A human hurt the rest of us?”
He nods and I can see that even though he’s acting cool about it, he’s as disturbed as we are. “Now, I know I said y’all couldn't stay but if you want, you can. It’s only one more day.”
I swallow, almost wanting to say yes, but my stomach twinges and I know we have to leave. “Our friends are waiting for us.”
He lowers his mask and cocks his gun. “Let me lead you out to the fence. It’s not so bad in here. We’ve killed a lot of them.” He swings open the door, clearing the area as if we’re in a movie. Soldiers hand us back our guns. I hadn’t even noticed they took them.
We run across the grounds, following him and running as silently as we can. When we get to the fence where we jumped over, he stands guard as we climb over again. I go last but I’m not scared this time.
“Be careful, kid. Your dad was pretty sure y’all would be holed up in that house of yours with all the doors and windows boarded up. He’s going to be pissed when he gets there and no one is home.”
I hug him. I don't know why. I guess because it makes more sense to hug him than to speak. How do I tell him the story of why I left without it becoming some huge tale? He feels like hugging a mannequin, with all his gear on, but he at least hugs back.
“You kids watch your six,” he shouts and waves, walking back to the others.
I climb the fence and follow Kyle and Lee back into the woods.
Chapter 13
The Seventh Day
Gale gives us a hesitant look. “I’m going to ride it out here and wait for tomorrow. Like I told you already, they were dropping like flies by my place. I think that soldier was right—they all expire today.” She hugs each of us, smelling just like a mom should and feeling twice as soft. When it’s my turn I close my eyes and savor the moment she offers me.
She pulls away, making me colder than I have ever been, I swear. She waves and pulls the kid into the car. They wave profusely, not like the lady who tried to wave us down from the building in Spokane, but in a way that makes me think of an aunt or relative saying goodbye.
Kyle starts the boat as we climb in and continue waving to Gale from inside of the cab.
She gets smaller in my eyes but not inside of me. She’s a person I care about now. I will think about her always. I will wonder if she made it to the end of the seventh day.
The boat ride is somber. Explaining what the soldier told us and the things we saw is like trying to explain sounds to a person who can’t hear. They don’t seem to understand and the questions are things we don’t have the answers to.
The sway of the boat ride makes my stomach twist and turn, but I don't give in to the sickness or the heavy feeling. I just stare ahead, desperate to be on the road. Desperate to get home. Wishing I had a phone or a way to reach him.
I can feel the whole world between us, and it’s only now in this moment that I realize I miss and love him because he’s my dad, and not just because I don't want to be alone.
Erin and Miles snuggle into each other, staring blankly ahead like the honeymoon is already over and the crushing reality is something they might not want to face.
Lee gives me a soft smile. “You feeling as green as you look?”
I nod.
“Me too.” She tucks her curly blonde hair behind her ear and sighs. “My hair is getting unruly. I need a shower and some shampoo, and everything else that we just don't have anymore.”
Erin snickers but it’s only halfhearted. “I was just remembering that time the bee flew into your hair, Leelee. You remember how hard we laughed, watching that poor thing struggle to get out of your thick locks.”
Lee blushes but it’s hard to see with all the grayish green around her gills. “Yeah. Damn bee. I freaked out, trying to shake it free without getting stung. My hair was buzzing and moving and then it just stopped. The poor little guy strangled in the tangled mess.”
Miles laughs. “You killed a bee with your hair?”
“That's talent. Almost as impressive as Lou killing that hamster by blowing on it,” Kyle laughs, steering us to the right. His face turns crimson the same as mine does.
Lee gives me a look. I laug
h and shake my head. “Oh man, that was bad.”
Miles scowls. “I don't remember that. What happened?”
I wince. “It was Sasha’s. It was sleeping in its cage and I leaned in and was petting it. It didn't move so I thought maybe it had died. So I blew on it. Poor thing jumped up, screamed, and died of a heart attack.”
Miles grimaces. “Oh, that must have impressed her dad.”
Lee laughs. “Kyle’s right, you have me beat.” Kyle shakes his head, muttering to himself as Lee scowls. “I thought you all just met the other day. Did you guys know each other before?”
I pause, looking at Miles. If he doesn’t know the hamster story, how does Kyle? When I turn and look at him, he points. “We are here. Miles, you wanna get the bumpers and tie us off?”
Lee looks at me but I don't move. I stay there, waiting for the answer to the question I don't think I need to ask.
Miles and Erin jump off, tying us off. Lee joins them and when Kyle tries to leave the cab, I grab his arm. “How?”
He licks his lips nervously. “Alleda is your blood elf priestess. You are a dungeon and raid healer for Times Square, the guild.”
My insides start to burn. “You really do play.”
His green eyes darken as he lowers his brow. “I’m Gorgon.”
The cab of the boat spins as my face flushes. He doesn’t just play—he’s one of my best friends and I didn't even know it. I sit back down, almost out of breath. For whatever reason, I feel betrayed but in my head I can’t seem to find an offense. Apart from the fact he knows every detail about me.
EVERY DETAIL!
He kneels in front of me, lifting my chin. “It doesn't change anything. So we know each other better than you thought. Isn’t it better this way? I’m your friend in real life.”
I almost gag. “No. No, it’s not. You know everything.” I laugh/cry. “I told you—” I pause and my eyes follow Miles up the back lawn. “Oh God.” He knows all about Miles and my teenaged-girl crush of doom. The very one I have just now decided is never going anywhere.